#  >  > Living And Legal Affairs In Thailand >  >  > Farming & Gardening In Thailand >  >  > Thailands Zoos and Animals >  >  Isaan snake attack (director's cut): the wrath of Somjit

## somtamslap

And so it came to pass one muggy and overcast Saturday afternoon in  the wilds of Northeast Thailand, that I found myself on my backside,  cowering away from a stream of highly concentrated venom being shot from  the fangs of an extremely vexated Indochinese spitting cobra.
How did you arrive at this juncture?, I hear the cries from the back row, and note the puzzled expressions at the front.
Well, the answer is simple.
In  fact its a stockpile answer I tend to refer to whenever my life takes a  desperate turn for the worse: Its all my mother in-laws fault.
It is. She is to blame. And Ill tell you why


So there I was lying in my hammock, busy devouring the works of a  certain Mr John Grisham while making steady but sure inroads into a box  full of Australian Award Winning lager beer (Chang, if you study the  label closely), when she, she-who-must-fuck-everything-up, _Mair_, breezed around the corner and nonchalantly chimed, theres a snake in my garden, can you please remove the fucker?.
Now  this annoyed me. I was just about to celebrate the climax of chapter  two with a massive slug of booze and a cigarette  but no.
Despite  residing in the arse end of Southeast Asia, where the most exciting  thing to happen in the last fortnight was Great Uncle Somjits annual  delousing, times of solitude and relaxation are unusually scarce.


I  was handed a large, heavy garden implement  a job, or a hoe, and  weighing the tool in my hand I quickly concluded that the offending  reptile wasnt something that my dear, and so often misinformed, mother  in-law had confused with a large earthworm or something.
In her  garden now, I was greeted by the squeals of half a dozen or so of Mairs  mates, sarongs hoisted up to their knees like some Asian version of a  Carry On film. They gestured, panic-stricken to the point of pissing  themselves, towards a pile of wood.


_Nguu hao, ngu hao_, they chanted at me.


Back  in those days my standard of Thai could be described as Where is the  beach? at best, so while I was able to translate the word Ngu meaning  snake, I didnt know what hao meant.
I later surmised that  hao was the Thai for spiteful twat, but was actually corrected by a  farmer I later regaled the tale to. Hao, it transpires, means bark.  And cobras are known to make a kind of growling noise as oppose to the  bog-standard hiss associated with all things that slither.
So with  hoe in hand and a now very intrigued spectatorship cooing and clucking  behind me, I approached the woodpile with a view to perhaps making  friends with the snake and asking if it minded moving, I dont know,  several kilometres to the right, because a) yes, my mother in-law is to  be obeyed at all times, and crucially, b) my young children often play  around here and we wouldnt want it to be mistaken for the skipping rope  that went awol circa November 2012.
Using the metal plate of the  hoe, I freed up the topmost planks of the pile, one by one,  systematically, unsure if the next would be the one to unearth a  scowling serpent. But now, after having dismantled the pile and pared it  down to just a few lengths of lumber, I wondered if this wasnt an  elaborate ruse concocted by the Mair and her muckers to liven up their  Saturday night.
Nothing on tv? Lets get that foreign chap round here to look for a snake that doesnt exist.


But  then I saw it. A coiled spring. A scaly black ring of writhing muscle.  Unravelled this thing must have been approaching the six foot mark. It  flicked its forked tongue in my direction, eager to hone in on the scent   which at this point was probably a heavenly bouquet of beer Chang  fumes, stale sweat and fresh flatulence.


Because Im an idiot, and  the crowd behind me were growing delirious, I made the first move: a  little prod just to help it on its way.
Go on, bugger off. Theres a good chap.
Nothing. If that snake had shoulders it wouldve shrugged them. Instead it just lay there, blowing raspberries at me.
Now,  at this stage, I might be wrong, but Im quite sure one of the  spectating contingent passed out through sheer excitement  there was an  anguished wail which appeared to be cut short, followed by a thud on  the deck. But I had no time to look around to see whatd happened. I was  too busy playing mind games with Nagini here.


Another prod, more indifference.


Calling  for backup, which came in the form of a fresh bottle of suds, I drained  half the contents and went back to business, this time, though, with  perhaps a little more zeal. The prods were turning into pokes, the pokes  into shoves, and finally, the shoves into a fairly robust jab. And that  was that.
Rearing up towards me with robotic precision, it tilted  its hood flanked head back, stared me straight in the eye, and said,  Right, get a load of this, you prick.
Bringing its head crashing forward, it spat a gin clear, arrow straight stream of poison, directed right at my face.


Fortunately,  I was so terrified, Id began staggering back/falling to the floor  before it had discharged the venom, so instead of having the desired  effect of blinding me, it merely left a soggy patch on my t-shirt. I  reeled around on the dusty ground, frantically scrabbling backwards.
Mair and her friends were already 12 amphurs up the road.
Then something quite unprecedented befell the situation.
Great  Uncle Somjit, fresh back from a day in the fields and on the outside of  several pints of moonshine if one were to judge his erratic gait,  suddenly activated Samurai Warrior mode.


Entering the theatre of  conflict, he noted the cobra and appeared to consider the situation for a  second or two before brandishing a machete and casually  and I mean  casually  lopping its head clean off, before continuing his onward  stagger.


Have you ever tried _pad pet ngu hao_?


Mair has. And she loves it.


Snakes In Thailand: An Indochinese Spitting Cobra Chronicle | WOS

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## Topper

Very good Slap!!!!!!

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## misskit

Enjoyed that snake tale, Slap.

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## nidhogg

As always a great read.

I do think: "Death by snake: how mairs cunning assassination plan went awry" might be a bit nearer to the truth though......

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## somtamslap

> I do think: "Death by snake: how mairs cunning assassination plan went awry" might be a bit nearer to the truth though......


 You are very likely right. I miss many, many things about Thailand - but the thought of my mater inlaw still distresses me.

On the isssue of Thailand - while we're here. I went past Southampton docks yesterday and it got me thinking... I now intend to literally work my way back to Asia on a cargo vessel.

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## Nicethaiza

I like "Hao" = Bark  :Smile:

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## stroller

> I now intend to literally work my way back to Asia on a cargo vessel.


Looking forward to your report.  :rofl:

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## nidhogg

> I now intend to literally work my way back to Asia on a cargo vessel.


Good plan.  What can possibly go wrong?

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## Topper

> I now intend to literally work my way back to Asia on a cargo vessel.


I suggest you download "Cabin Boy" before you do.

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## baldrick

> I now intend to literally work my way back to Asia on a cargo vessel.


do they still use ballast ?  :Wink:

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## Eliminator

Quoting someone else is not writing a story.  All too much story for nothing.

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## Neverna

Nice one, Slap.  Very good.  :Smile:

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## somtamslap

> Looking forward to your report.


 That's what it's all about! Research.






> Good plan. What can possibly go wrong?


 Worst case scenario... no booze. If there is no booze on board, I shan't be on board either.






> I suggest you download "Cabin Boy" before you do.


 I shall. But I shall not be deterred. 




> do they still use ballast ?


 IOf the money's right  - I shall bend over in the mess hall bogs of an evening.






> Quoting someone else is not writing a story. All too much story for nothing.


 Are you on drugs?






> Nice one, Slap. Very good.


 Obliged, squire.

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## moose65

please tell more stories, as i is shit bored and your adventures shine some light into my mundane world.

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## stroller

> Originally Posted by Eliminator
> 
> Quoting someone else is not writing a story. All too much story for nothing.
> 
> 
>  Are you on drugs?


He should be.

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## somtamslap

> please tell more stories, as i is shit bored and your adventures shine some light into my mundane world.


 Hold onto your hat. I've got a cracking anecdote about our family's recent weekend break in Weymouth. 

No, really. That's as good as it currently gets.

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## stroller

Does it involve Thai curries and itchy blurters?

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## moose65

> Hold onto your hat. I've got a cracking anecdote about our family's recent weekend break in Weymouth. 
> 
> No, really. That's as good as it currently gets.


i thought my life was dull !

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## somtamslap

> i thought my life was dull !


 The Punch and Judy show was a highlight - no, thee highlight.






> Does it involve Thai curries and itchy blurters?


 No, it involves low budget b&bs and wetherpoons lunches. And father did indulge in possibly one too many slurps of Kronenberg.

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## Neverna

^ Morrisons in Weymouth do good and economical lunches, Slap. It would make a change from Wetherspoons.  :Smile:

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## somtamslap

> Morrisons in Weymouth


 Didn't see the Morrisons. We went in Londis a couple of times though  :Smile:

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## crackerjack101

A nice little sketch. cheers somtam.

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## somtamslap

Nice once, cracker. And terrific to hear you're on the mend. 

Here's to that first sun downer on the banks of the Mekong.

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## Smug Farang Bore

There's a book of these stories moose65 don't ya know....

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## Cold Pizza

> Bringing its head crashing forward, it spat a gin clear, arrow straight stream of poison, directed right at my face.
> 
> 
> Fortunately,  I was so terrified, Id began staggering back/falling to the floor  before it had discharged the venom, so instead of having the desired  effect of blinding me, it merely left a soggy patch on my t-shirt. I  reeled around on the dusty ground, frantically scrabbling backwards.


Scary.

1. if the venom got in your eyes how long would you have been "blinded."

Several minutes like pepper spray? Or, forever?


2. Always use Samurai mode and not a hoe to pick and annoy it enough to attack.

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## baldrick

> 1. if the venom got in your eyes how long would you have been "blinded."


have you heard of google ?

https://www.google.com/#q=why+am+i+such+a+dickhead

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## crackerjack101

> Nice once, cracker. And terrific to hear you're on the mend. 
> 
> Here's to that first sun downer on the banks of the Mekong.


Thanks mate. We hope we're getting better and the sundowners help a lot.

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## moose65

> There's a book of these stories moose65 don't ya know....


read em, and i is eagerly awaiting more !

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