#  >  > Travellers Tales in Thailand and Asia >  >  > Laos Forum >  >  Laos Back to the Old Skool (the views of a very ignorant man)

## SiLeakHunt

Reet
  I’m still in Laos and I’m starting to write a trip report which says a lot for the place and I would have started it this morning if I hadn’t rented a motorbike. Everyone’s up to date as to why I’m out of the country and applying for 60 days at an Embassy rather than popping over the border and heading back with some cheap Viagra and a bottle of Jack.

  Anyway I thought I’d try Laos , I’m sick of airports, white marble and cellophane meals so I thought I’d do a bit of Back to the Old Skool and took myself and my Sunday hangover to Hua Lamphong.

  The driver asked me where I was going.

  “Nong Khai”

  “Mee faen Nong Khai?”

  “Mai chai, visa Laos”

  He became diplomatically silent, I should have immediately took heed, cancelled my plans and got a plane to either Manilla or Phnom Pehn for a week of debasement with a couple of drunken appearances at the Thai Embassy thrown in, but I was a bit too hungover to notice properly.
  After a bit of waiting I was aboard a train, and what I wasn’t too hungover to notice was that the Malaysian guy I was about to share an overnight cabin with was a fruiter (that’s queer, faggot, arsebandit) for those of your from south of Stockport.

  I was busy trying to sleep with one eye open (and I don’t mean my brown eye) when he fucked off with a pair of French fag hags and left me in peace to drift in and out of sleep whilst reading the Wind up Bird Chronicle. After a mix of sleep, fidget, a rummage through Kumiko’s laundry basket and a surreal dream that saw my route to Nong Khai lined with English pubs and soldiers re enacting “The Eagle has landed” I arrived in Nong Khai on Monday morning.

  I patched my way through exits and entries , passports and booking desks and eventually found myself in a taxi to downtown Vientiene with a Kiwi NGO type and a half Phillipino ex US soldier who startled me with his genius when he stated that American foreign policy was fuelling terrorism. 

  Anyway my first impression of the Laos Peoples Democratic Republic, was that it’s like Kho Samui without the good bits. I mean to be fair that’s not a bad appraisal if you make a list of what’s good about Samui, then one of what’s bad about Samui, throw the good list away and add “Communism” and “French influence” to the bad list and you’re there.

  Anyway the AmeriPhiliGenius alighted at the Thai Embassy, the NGO somewhere else and me at a bank so I could cash a couple of travelers cheques before handing my passport over.
  The guy at the bank looked at my travelers cheques as if they were Doctor Who’s Sonic Screwdriver or something equally unfathomable from the future that could only be exchanged for cash when the Shuttle Challenger landed astride two Laotian tug boats with the nose piece exactly facing his mouse mat and refused me so I had to get $150 US using my credit card.
  Not that that’s important like but it delayed things, as did the fact that I didn’t know that the Laos Pedantic Dreary Ratcatcher at Passport control wanted one of the two photographs I was planning to use for my Thai Visa so I had to stop and get a load more done.

  By the time these capers had been completed I approached the Thai Embassy to be told they were shut until tomorrow (half day closing for officials, great!) I took this in my stride and proceeded via an overpriced tuk tuk to the “Day Inn” which had been recommended to me and as I looked at the brochure on the stand in reception I wondered whether to check in or not and noticed they had a magnificent looking pool where I could make a start on a tan and finish off “Wind up Bird Conservatry”. I checked in, dumped my bag off and went to check out the throbbing metropolis of Vientiene.

  I wasn’t far into the centre when I was weigh laid by a load of tuk tuk drivers.

  “You want something”

  I’d realized my toiletries were lacking an essential item when I’d done my ablutions as the train pulled into Nong Khai station

  “Err yeah I do actually”

  My suitors eyes lit up with a Laos Peculiar Develish Radiance, “Marryuan, Opium, Hashish?”

  “No the white stuff.”

  He looked confused.

  “What you want ?”

  “Toothpaste.”

  He chugged his 1950’s contraption off in disgust. I mean to be fair I’ve found that the better the drug dealer the smarter his car and using that rule of thumb I wouldn’t have bought any gear off him anyway judging by the state of his chariot.

  I was starting to get the impression that being in Laos is a bit like being on detention at school, even the teachers don’t want to be there and the bit of paperwork you do goes straight in the bin anyway. I mean to be fair there’s fuck all there. You’ve got the odd café restaurant with polished teak floors run by a retired ballet teacher from Nimes and her 26 year old Laotian boyfriend and they do such nice crepes. You get the scene and there’s the omnipresent Beer Laos van but not much going on.

  Anyway I got a tuk tuk to “Talat Soon”, that’s the morning market for the uninitiated because I wanted to score a pair of shorts. There’d been a bit of a laundry backlog at chez me and the shorts I’d travelled in were two nights on the piss old so a fresh pair was becoming pretty much a necessity, I mean in fact by the time I started looking they were two nights on the piss and a night in a sleeper carriage old, you’re starting to get my drift. Now I know this seems hard to believe, but in Vientienes (a known backpacker haunt) biggest market there wasn’t a pair of camouflage combat shorts to be seen. There were bottles of whiskey with pickled cobras in them, three headed opal Buddhas, opium pipes the same gauge as the pipes they use to float sewage out to sea, the sort of silk shirts only waiters and Old Hippy wear, Beer Laos Tshirts, Thsirts with a map of Laos Primary Drinkers Resource, but not a pair of effing shorts in sight.
  Anyway as well as the market I’d been told the National Museum was worth a look so I paid the tuk tuk driver the four or five dollars he wanted and let him take me half a kilometer to a building he pointed at and when I walked inside realized it was the National Library. Now to be fair it looked more like a load of papers bundled up waiting to be taken out for recycling, but apparently these six small rooms of old newspapers was Le Biblioteque Nationale du Laos. I walked past an office with the word “Directeur” or whatever the French for “Director” is and gingerly pushed it open. Inside the director of the National Libraries office was a bloke asleep on his arm. I walked out.

  I thought I’d try and complete project pantaloon in the shops on the front by the river but after extensive research drew a blank. I mean my mind started racing, are shorts illegal in Laos ? Have western democracies refused to supply Laos with shorts in protest against their Communist regime, whatever the reason there’s a shortage of shorts, a paucity of pantaloons and whenever there’s a gap in the market like that things start to happen. Mavericks get their pickups stopped at the border and when customs officials find three hundred pairs of short cut cargo pants they shake their head and say, “You’ve got a lot of explaining to do sunshine.”
  “I just picked them up for a mate in Luang Prabong I didn’t know it was _shorts_ in the bundles.”
  If it was Thailand that had a cargo shorts embargo there’d be bewildered farangs turning up at Lumphini police station in their underpants where a disinterested desk sergeant would look up and say, “So this ladyboy, what did she look like?”

  “Right so you don’t normally like ladyboys but you think you were drugged not drunk…..OK”
  Anyway I thought “Fuck this” nothing looked particularly interesting and I wanted to be up bright and early for the Embassy so I had a quick meal and headed back to the hotel to bury myself in “Wind up bird complication”

  I hadn’t noticed before but the aircon unit was a bit on the dated side. It could have been off the set of “Shane” or “Citizen Kane”. My shorts took themselves off and I clambered into bed and despite having avoided the tuk tuk drivers delights had picked up two equally depressing local entities, Diarrhea and Influenza.

  I reached the bit in the book where your man climbs down the well to sink low so he can bounce out after Mr Hondas instruction. Pussy faced Japper [at][at][at][at], if he wanted to appreciate depth and desperation he should have come on a Visa run to Laos. With the world falling out of my arsehole and an invisible man gripping my throat from inside I marked Laos down as good for mother in laws and split my time that night between bed with my head buried in that book and the bog with my undies round my ankles.

  When morning approached I headed for a pharmacy for immodium and Actifed so I could do the necessary queing up at the Embassy without shitting myself as I dashed to the toilet or sneezing a bucketload of lime green snot on the visa officials uniform.

  One of the things about Laos is whatever currency you offer to pay in it’s the wrong one. If you offer them Kip they want Baht, if you offer dollars they want Kip and give you change in baht if you offer baht they refuse to take it, you can’t win, but when you get change in Kip you’re left wondering how much you’ve been given or if you’ve been ripped off (the fact is they can’t be bothered ripping you off because even if they did there’d be nothing to spend it on), but every time I bought a sandwich or a glass of coke I’d give them a five dollar bill and be given 87 million Kip as change. I changed up a hundred dollar bill into kip before getting to the embassy and got a shoe box full of Kip and had to buy a rucksack to keep it in.

  Anyway the Embassy experience was relatively painless, I handed over my passport and was told to come back the next day, so headed back to the Day Inn to undertake project pool, I wondered round the back headed to where logic dictated the pool would be and got accosted by a maid.

  “Where you go,” the Laos don’t smile the way Thai’s do.

  “I want the pool.”

  “Oh sorry pool not have,” I didn’t want to embarrass her by saying, “well there’s fucking big one in the brochure on reception has it died of boredom or summat?” so marked that down as a stroke of bad luck on my part. I was just starting to accept the fact that Laos not got much to offer and disappointment is to be expected, had I been treated to some Laos Prescient Diary Reports I definitely would have gone somewhere else.

  Allright so no pool, I walked back into reception trying not to feel let down and as I asked for my key the receptionist told me that my room was booked and I had to check out. 
  “OK” I sighed and they offered to put me in another billet nearby.
  “Can you find one with a pool ?”

  They put me in the Lane Xang which is by the Mekong (or the Laos Powdery Dry Riverbed) and organized a free transfer as well which was decent. The pool was more of a footbath and the hotel itself had a quaint old world colonial air (it needed updating).

  I decided to hire out a motorbike and as I drove off from the shop I pulled out into the traffic and nearly got totaled by a lorry on my blindside (I couldn’t hear a fucking thing with my helmet on).

  “Fucking French cunts,” the colonialists had made every fucker drive on the wrong side of the road and was going to take some getting used to. Anyway I started scooting about and found nothing in particular, Laos really is Purely Devoid of Revelry I mean there’s nothing to do, the roads have very few roadsigns so after about an hour of driving I was slowly getting used to being on the wrong side of the road, or is it the right side? And found myself surrounded by open road and fields. My journey started to feel unfruitful so I did a uturn and tried to head back to HQ although every junction looked the same and there were no signs so I was going on pot luck to get me back to town. I was about an hour into my misdirected journey when I stumbled across a large gate that bore the insignia “Kaysone Phomvihane Memorial Musuem,” well it couldn’t be more boring than driving round doing nothing so I drove through the gates and got stopped by the guard, who for only 70 million Kip showed me round a collection of old breezeblock huts where the bloke who was president in the seventies used to live. 
  Unimpressed I left an hour later with vague directions on how to get to Vientiene and 300 billion Kip still in my pocket aching to get spent.

  As I approached the outskirts I saw a very impressive looking building with a load of old military aircraft parked on a large drive at the front and decided to give that a butchers, this was the Imperial War Museum (I think) and downstairs were a load of old military vehicles, upstairs actually a decent effort of a display going on about what’s actually happened to the Laos Prostate Dangerous Retards.

  Now if you’re French please scroll down to the end.

  Basically the French don’t come out of this smelling very nice, which they don’t anyway but take this into account. The French in around 1939 when threatened with occupation by Hitlers hordes bravely surrendered. Instead of putting up a fight however futile which could have weakened the Furhers resolve and forces, possibly indirectly saved Jewish lives and further bloodshed at a later date they just said OK let the krauts in an carried on spreading VD and being dismissive in restaurants.

  Then in 1945 when the allied forces had liberated them from scourge of the Nazi’s at great cost to themselves without so much as a word of thanks or a free glass of wine they suddenly found all the weapons and fighting strength and courage they’d forgotten about when the Furher was on the march and promptly invaded Laos.

  The Laos amassed such a fearsome fighting force that it took them 10 years with an army made up of old women smoking opium and wearing wide brimmed hats to send the surrendering French cunts packing, and no sooner were the victorious locals skinning up a joint of Laos Psychadelic Depressant Resin to celebrate their new found freedom then the American’s invaded. For a country with so little actually going for it they’re fucking unlucky to get invaded so much.
  Anyway it was around 1971 when they got their freedom back and apart from a few casualties and the odd lingering French trait like driving on the wrong side or selling baguettes they seem relatively unharmed. It was while the people were cracking open the opium pipe for a bit of Laos Post Dogmatic Relief that the leaders imposed Communism well they sort of did, they’ve put up the odd statue of Lenin and the odd red star here and there but to be honest they just get on with things they’re not really noticeably communist the way the Soviet union was.

  They have been pretty unlucky to be fair, all they’re due now is the krauts to try and bring them in line with the rest of Europe and impose higher taxes, let the Poles in and make them use the Reichstag Euro single currency and then let the Pakistanis in to demand free housing and dole money that would be the cherry on top of the cake.

  Anyway after a couple of smaller museums I was museumed out and armed with enough bigotry to write a thesis entitled “French cunts they don’t deserve the air they breath” I headed back to base camp for a shower.

  I went and sat in a bar and started writing up my trip report, then around tennish dropped my notebook off and decided to wonder up the Laos Poorly Designed Riverside for a drink and a bit of R&R. To be honest the bars aren’t up too much, the beer’s nice I’ll say that and the people appear intelligent and trustworthy but you get a general lack of excitement if your looking for a gogo you’ll find there’s no such thing as a Laos Pelviclly Debauched Revue, I found a bit of a nightclub in some hotel a bit down the river and there were some English guys of similar disposition to me bemoaning the lack of excitement and eagerly awaiting the return of their paperwork so they could get back to LOS. 

  Anyway come around 3am it didn’t look like I was going to give any of the women a Laos Pearly Dribbled Ringpiece so I headed to bed.

  I picked up my passport at 1pm and everything was in order. I tried to book a flight from Vietiene but they were all full so got the next best option one from Udon. The hotel booked me a taxi to Friendship bridge and when I got there a bloke offered to take me to Udon for 1000 baht. I walked through the Laos exit desk wearing the shorts which were now 5 days old and said goodbye to the Long Panted Dickhead Region. I had to stop myself kissing the tarmac once I entered Thailand I bought a snake in a bottle and in the taxi to Udon mentally composed a tourist brochure for Laos.

  The front cover could copy “Amazing Thailand” but read “Unremarkable Laos” the lettering over some jungle, page two would read, “Not much doing”, page 3 “no honestly there really isn’t”, page 4, “Don’t rush, you’re not missing owt.” Page 5, “The beers not bad and you can still get Carlsberg.” Then the final page would read, “You’ll be glad when you leave.”

  A friend of mine has a Laos girlfriend and I rung him and asked to speak to her, I told her she was lucky to get out of the country. You hear of Laos girls working the bars in LOS illegally, if I lived in Laos I’d be that bored _I’d_ go to Pattaya and sell my arse to fat German perverts. My mate had a Laos girl working in his bar in Pattaya he said it was three months before she started charging blokes.

  On the plane back from Udon there was a pair of German cunts sat behind me as the plane took off they opened some sausages or pate or something that stunk to high heaven and started talking really loudly, by the time the plane was landing they’d started to fart out the sausage.
  I get to the point where I moan about Thailand sometimes, but at least it’s got sanuk. Oh and if you’re French you’re from a country full of cunts and if you want to know why scroll back to where I told you to scroll down from and read what I’ve written.

  Cheers

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## Doggsy

so you had a nice time then?

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## The Fresh Prince

Could someone just do a quick summary for me. :Smile:

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## SiLeakHunt

You can tell which side of bed I got out of !

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## Chairman Mao

> Could someone just do a quick summary for me


Or quote it, but hit enter a few times.

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## deathstardan

I liked it!

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## Kel

Pissed meself laughing - I thought these things only happened to me !
All the best
Kel

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## mobs00

> Could someone just do a quick summary for me.


 


> ...share an overnight cabin with was a fruiter (thats queer, faggot, arsebandit)
> 
> ...So this ladyboy, what did she look like?
> 
> ...picked up two equally depressing local entities, Diarrhea and Influenza.
> 
> ...Fucking French cunts,
> 
> ...Pussy faced Japper [at][at][at][at]
> ...


 
  Just a typical visa run written up by a racist and a bigot who believes his country (England) is an example of how to do things right and cant understand why the rest of the world doesnt follow their (Englands) example.

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## graym

Never a truer word spoken in jest?

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## nidhogg

Had me rolling in stiches.  But there again I have been to laos.  Its the only country I have ever been to where I was at the airline office the day after I arrived begging for a ticket out of the place.

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## Super Swan

There is plenty of fun to be had in Vientiene mate.  If you know where to go.

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## The Fresh Prince

Cheers Mobs,

I switched off after reading this bit, :Smile: 






> Reet

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## Jesper

That was funny. Laos does not seem like that great of a place.

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## Texpat

^#8^ what mobs said.

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## Super Swan

> That was funny. Laos does not seem like that great of a place.


It all depends on what your looking for really Jesper.

Personally I find Vientiene to be a nice break from the hectic pace of Bangkok.  There are some great places to eat, french restaurants, Curry houses, bakeries with good french bread, cheese and meats.

Beer Lao is worth the trip alone.  If you ever go try Beer Lao Dark.  A great drop and it gives you a bit of a belt too.

The Laoatian people are really friendly as well.  I have been to a wedding up in Lao with some laoatian friends.  My Scouse mate and myself were not allowed to put our hands in our pockets all night despite many attempts at buying crates of beer lao.  Every time we managed to buy one the money was always returned to us when it was spotted that we had bought beer.  

The only downpoint was that we had to do that bloody daft dance they do up there with granny ping and swarms of kids.  Good laugh though.

The Mekong can be beautiful to sit by at dusk.  The sunset there is a sight to behold.

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## WujouMao

> so you had a nice time then?


funny as fcuk i thought, but yea, you had a pukka time then? i guess you would opt for Malaysia next for a Thai visa?

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## Rural Surin

> Could someone just do a quick summary for me.


Lazy cvnt... :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

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## Butterfly

I see he likes the French,

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## SiLeakHunt

> Originally Posted by Doggsy
> 
> 
> so you had a nice time then?
> 
> 
> funny as fcuk i thought, but yea, you had a pukka time then? i guess you would opt for Malaysia next for a Thai visa?


This is what happened when I went to Malaysia on a Visa run


  Although Mike will disagree with me I have at various points in my life come to the not unreasonable conclusion that Mike is the root of all evil. There may be something in it actually because he seems to be one of the few members of the small band of layabouts and underachievers that I call friends who ever seems to have any money which could be the roots that support him while I occasionally shelter under his branches. Anyway I can’t say too much because he’s quite successful in his own right and its not that I’m all that bothered about shattering his reputation it’s more the fact that he’s about the only one of my mates that could afford a lawyer.

  Where were we? Yes my Malaysian visa run. Sorry I forgot. I’d been in Thailand for a while and as I’m sure you know that people visiting the Kingdom of Thailand have to leave the country every thirty days or so to get a new visa and Mike was in Malaysia on business at around the time I needed to leave the country. He’s a brilliant salesman and had convinced me that a visit to Kota Kinabalu which is the Western bit of Malaysia would be a worthwhile trip and why not join him and then follow him onto Kuala Lumpur. He explained how fantastic the jungle trips were and what a rewarding experience it would be for me to go on a trek and see the Urang Otangs. So I flew down didn’t I.

  When I landed at Kota Kinabalu airport I filled in the medical form and passed through customs without having my prostate checked and was sat about wondering what to do. It was actually quite a nice place, tropical heat palm trees, uplights in the road that sort of stuff quite a quaint place if I’m honest. Now in Thailand there’d be herds and herds of cabbies and pan handlers and hotel reps trying to get you to stay at this place or the other or get a lift to here or there and you’d pass over a few baht jump in a barely roadworthy automotive contraption and pull up the drivers sister in laws guest house fifteen death defying minutes later with somewhere to stay and a brown patch in the seat of your trousers. Not Malaysia though, it’s an off spin of British colonialism, you can’t have people at railway stations and airports trying to help you can you? Anyway I sat about smoking cigarettes and couldn’t find any cunting taxi driver who spoke English or Thai so I babmbled about looking lost and smoking fags.

  Anyway I was struck with a brainwave as to how to get into town, why not ask some [at][at][at][at], and the fellow I chose to accost turned out to be a fairly decent German type who looked like a birdwatcher or butterfly collector. He seemed to know where to find accommodation and suggested we could walk so I agreed and followed him, then it started to seem like a bit of a hike so we got in a cab, anyway long story short we found a hotel within budget and he got put in the room opposite me. I’d discovered on the journey that he was a kindred spirit, like me he was on a visa run and he was married to a Thai bird and lived in Samat Prakhan. 

  Fast forward an hour and I’m sat in the bar of the Sheraton with Mike (whose want is to stay in such places on his trips round the planet) talking shite, catching up and listening to him enthusing to me about what a fascinating place we were visiting. We had a couple of sherberts and headed into town. Then what happened , we went round a few bars on the sea front had a few scoops, went in an upmarket  disco and watched football on a big screen while we had a few more beers, nothing too exciting but not bad. Then last orders came so we asked a couple of people drinking nearby if there was anywhere we could go for a late drink so they pointed us in the direction of a slightly lower rent gaff that had a couple of pool tables and a bar that was open.

  Anyway Mike had to be at some business meeting or other at 10 in the morning so he beat a retreat  at about 1 am while I’d had a bit of Dutch courage and was making friends with a couple of European guys who were playing pool. They were the sort of vaguely itinerant well educated drifters you tend to meet off the beaten track in South East Asia not quite hippies, not quite career men. The French guy told me he was teaching at a local university and started going on about ecosystems and wildlife and stuff while I played pool with him for a drink a frame. When the bar started to close up he asked me if I fancied a nightclub and ever the intrepid explorer I agreed.

  A twenty minute taxi driver later and we’re in some nightclub in the middle of nowhere, we’d driven for a bit out of the town and there was this street with houses that had neon outside and we were in one up a flight of stairs. So anyway the disco looks a bit iffy but I’ve faced worse opposition in my time so I got a drink and tried not to look too conspicuous. All was going well, there were a few Malaysian gangster types, the odd foreign couple on a gap year and me stood not too bothered but wondering where Piere or Luc or whatever his name was had gone. Then this fellow comes up to me with a big smile and a pot like the sort you get Starbucks Frapes in with some yellow stuff in it that looked like a Mango shake or something and said ,”Here, drink this.”

  I laeticiously obliged and once I’d slurped the lot down through a straw asked the sprightly young chap what he’d so kindly concocted for me.

  “Magic mushrooms,” he replied with an evil grin and fucked off.

  It was seven bastard hours before everyone in the club took their Star Wars masks off and I felt safe enough to venture outdoors. During the night Mick Macarthy the manager of Sunderland FC had become embossed in the wallpaper and was berating me about his teams defeat at the hands of the Latics, John Merrick the Elephant Man had done a spot on the decks and I’d vomited fire and somewhere during the night I’d realised I was about the only white guy in club full of Malaysian gays. Not a cool scene if I’m honest about it. At one point I thought I was inside my fridge in the flat in Stockport sat next to a pack of Birds Eye grilling steaks. 

  When I was eventually brave enough to leave, the French guy was waiting on the balcony, I asked him if he could get us a cab but he explained that taxi drivers thought the area was too dangerous and we’d have to wait for the first bus back into town.

  When it eventually arrived I was a walking hallucinating corpse and I had to share a bus with fifty Malaysian schoolkids. When I arrived at the hotel I hallucinated a sea of schoolkids in the reception. I felt like Raul Duke on his quest to find the American dream. Anyway before I went into my room I thought I’d check on the German fellow to see if he could talk me round into mental stability but when I knocked on his door he answered bollock naked.

  I shook my head went into my room and crawled under my sheet until the monsters left me alone.


Cheers

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## WujouMao

> Anyway before I went into my room I thought Id check on the German fellow to see if he could talk me round into mental stability but when I knocked on his door he answered bollock naked.
> 
>   I shook my head went into my room and crawled under my sheet until the monsters left me alone.
> 
> 
> Cheers


nice!! so whats next? China or burma

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## Marmite the Dog

> so whats next? China or burma


I bet the Burma trip is a blast...

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## SiLeakHunt

I'll let you know, the most recent one was in Macau and I woke up in the hotel with a black eye and no underpants. Apart from that it passed without incident.

Cheers

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## watterinja

In life, you get out much of what you put in. If you don't like Laos - don't bother to come back. Folks who want, rather than share aren't really worthwhile - are they?

Personally, I'll take Laos over Thailand any time - that's why I live there...

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## Chairman Mao

Where about? The big V? I'm pretty interested in moving up there one day.

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## jarne

funny stories

allthough getting your visas done sounds a bit dangerous.
Laos can be a bit boring, but you can always chase lao girls.

alien abduction might be waiting around the corner for you by the looks of things

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## EmperorTud

> I should have immediately took heed, cancelled my plans and got a plane to either Manilla or Phnom Pehn for a week of debasement with a couple of drunken appearances at the Thai Embassy thrown in


Thai Embassy in Phnom Penh is notoriously bad and usually don't issue tourist visas to non-Khmers.

Shame, as PP is a great place.

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## DrB0b

> In life, you get out much of what you put in. If you don't like Laos - don't bother to come back. Folks who want, rather than share aren't really worthwhile - are they?
> 
> Personally, I'll take Laos over Thailand any time - that's why I live there...



I thought you had to do a runner from Thailand after the cops on Suk Soi 7 found those 400 pills you'd stashed in your arse?

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## Sculpto

nice writing.. i laughed a lot.   :Smile:

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## the dogcatcher

I never found and entertainment places, are there any there? Although two girls who worked in the hotel did offer me st for 400bht.

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## jubby

Yeah,    I just got back from a laos Trip.  Didn't get to Vienteine.   Luang Prabang was Nice though although it did take 7 hours on a bus to travel 200 kms to get there.  I found my fellow travellers a bit uncouth couthing and spitting everywhere even the Ladies. There must be more tarmac in our Village than in the entire LPDR.   The distinct Lack of smiles was rather odd after spending so much time in Thailand, although I'm sure I'd feel the same about the UK.  I'm sure my bad habit picked up in Thailand  of cracking half a smile at everyone came across rather odd too.  Even my Lao Mia Noi who has a beautiful smile in Thailand developed a frown for the duration of the trip.   I thought Thailand was laid back but Laos sort of reminded me of mexico for some reason although I've never been.  I was a little paranoid I suppose  as I had been told its illegal to fraternise with the Natives unless officially married, so maybe that put a damper on the trip.

I could be wrong but I got the impression it was Illegal to walk on the left and you had to walk in the same direction as the traffic so you couldn't see what was going to hit you.   And whats with all the expensive Toyota Landcruiser VX 4x4's ?   never seen so many in one place. 

I drew what I thought was 10000 bahts  worth of Kip from the ATM and made a scene  when the tuk-tuk driver took me 100 yards and wanted what I thought was 400 baht for the trip.  I then proceeded to walk everywhere until Lady friend told me the trip was only 40 baht.   Still expensive though ;-)

On returning to Thailand I thought about kissing the ground and singing the national Anthem but didn't want to risk upsetting the Immigration Lady who was surprisingly very friendly indeed .    I did wonder why the Thai Immigration official wished me good luck with a smile on my departure rather than the usual stoney Silence ;-)     Its good to be Home ,  I Guess I just love all the Bullshit smiles !

Now where can I get Beer laos here ?

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## Happyman

Great stuff SLK - both posts !

I presume you were pissed out of your skull when you wrote 'Kota Kinabalu which is the Western bit of Malaysia' as it is in fact the most eastern city in East Malaysia !

But WTF !  good stuff - where is your next visa run to - your audience awaits !

 :rofl:

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## SiLeakHunt

I'm a fuckwit sometimes. When finances permit will be my next trip report, which the way things are looking is likely to be the next decade at least.

Cheers

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## kingwilly

> I presume you were pissed out of your skull when you wrote 'Kota Kinabalu which is the Western bit of Malaysia' as it is in fact the most eastern city in East Malaysia !  But WTF ! good stuff - where is your next visa run to - your audience awaits !


bladdy pendant.

but it was damn funny. good work silikunt

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## grasshopper

Good report. Keep up the medication though.

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## robuzo

> Laos sort of reminded me of mexico for some reason although I've never been.


I'm sure Laos would remind me of some places I've never been, if I'd been to them that is.  There is a potentially a zen koan or Leonard Cohen lyric in your or possibly my statement.




> I could be wrong but I got the impression it was Illegal to walk on the left and you had to walk in the same direction as the traffic so you couldn't see what was going to hit you.


Just one of many quirky Lao laws- their version of population control.  Amazing how they get all the corpses out of the way so quickly.  Did you get a chance to try any of the sidewalks, by the way?  Vientiane has a lot of them, and unlike Bangkok most are motorbike-free. 




> I drew what I thought was 10000 bahts  worth of Kip from the ATM and made a scene  when the tuk-tuk driver took me 100 yards and wanted what I thought was 400 baht for the trip.  I then proceeded to walk everywhere until Lady friend told me the trip was only 40 baht.   Still expensive though ;-)


You must have a really large wallet.  Good thing Lady brought the calculator, eh?  Kip exchange rate-calculatin' can be a real puzzler, right up there with solving the Schrodinger equation!  It's always best to ask the price first and make a scene before departing, by the way.




> On returning to Thailand I thought about kissing the ground and singing the national Anthem but didn't want to risk upsetting the Immigration Lady who was surprisingly very friendly indeed .


Bummer, kissing the ground and singing the national anthem gets you a smile and a blowjob. You should have checked on Teak Door before going.




> Now where can I get Beer laos here ?


Lots of bars, but the only shop I know where they sell it is the tienda in my building.  Not sure why, likely some sort of brewery conspiracy.

Great travelogue in terms of being a testimony to how safe and forgiving Laos can be for innocents abroad.

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## Vientianeboy

Please don't come back to Laos. We don't need fools like you.

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## robuzo

> Please don't come back to Laos. We don't need fools like you.


"Maybe we don't _more_ fools" would be more appropriate.  I'm very fond of Vientiane, but it sure has a high concentration of knucklehead farangs- not necessarily like the one(s) above, but there is quite a cross-section.  The most amusing contingency is the aging backpackers.  Laos appears to be one of the places the remnants of the old India-Nepal-SE Asia (Thailand)-Japan backpacker trail mob is going to die.

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## Vientianeboy

Fair comment. I would agree with the above.

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## robuzo

I hope I didn't sound harsh.  I meant in an "elephants' graveyard" sense, like Boca Raton for New Yorkers.

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## watterinja

> Please don't come back to Laos. We don't need fools like you.


3 questions for you:

1.  Why is Laos the 2nd poorest nation on the planet?
2.  Would you invest in developing a business in Laos?
3.  What would you estimate the corruption index to be in Laos (take Thailand at 5-10% as a starter)?

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## robuzo

> Originally Posted by Vientianeboy
> 
> 
> Please don't come back to Laos. We don't need fools like you.
> 
> 
> 3 questions for you:
> 
> 1.  Why is Laos the 2nd poorest nation on the planet?
> ...


Is Laos really 2nd poorest in terms of per capita income?  I think the poverty index is rather worse in quite a few other countries, including most of West Africa.

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## pompeybloke

I like Vientienne for 2 reasons: beer Laos, and no inane smiles...people mind their own business.

cheers

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## watterinja

^^ It used to be the poorest for quite some time. I also guess that a lot will depend on the index used.

Africa does take some beating, doesn't it...  :Smile:

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## watterinja

> 3. What would you estimate the corruption index to be in Laos (take Thailand at 5-10% as a starter)?


A clue... LOS times 10...

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## Vientianeboy

> 3 questions for you:  1. Why is Laos the 2nd poorest nation on the planet? 2. Would you invest in developing a business in Laos? 3. What would you estimate the corruption index to be in Laos (take Thailand at 5-10% as a starter)?


Watterinja, your statistics are incorrect. However I guess it depends from where you have sourced the information as measures vary.

1) It isn't. From where are you dredging that statistic. (Not that I am not saying it isn't in the top 15 poorest nations).

2) Yes, and I have. I certainly will do again as there is a lot of money to be made. Tip - invest in Lao shares when the stockmarket opens next year.

3) According to Forbes, Thailand is more corrupt than Laos. That is a moot point however, as both are corrupt. My personal experience is also that you can trust Laos business partners but not Thai. 10X times more corrupt is just silly.

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## the dogcatcher

Why is Laos so poor? And why are things expensive there?
No real industry that I can see, other than electricity and the average Laos citizen is not gonna see any of that money. No real foriegn investment, probably due to corruption. Has Laos any natural resourses? It may have but there is'nt the money to look for them. Communist government not elected so no accountability to the Laos people. No Sea port for import, export.
The French have been there, always seems to fck a country and leave it poor when the frechies have been in power. Same same Cambodia and Algeria, the later of which has more oil than Iraq and is still piss poor.
Perhaps it's just a place people should live cos it just does support life.

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## robuzo

> The French have been there, always seems to fck a country and leave it poor when the frechies have been in power. Same same Cambodia and Algeria, the later of which has more oil than Iraq and is still piss poor.


The Thais resent the French having colonized Laos and Cambodia, too.  They wanted large swaths of those countries for themselves, not to mention a couple of northern Malay states.

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## the dogcatcher

> Originally Posted by the dogcatcher
> 
> 
> The French have been there, always seems to fck a country and leave it poor when the frechies have been in power. Same same Cambodia and Algeria, the later of which has more oil than Iraq and is still piss poor.
> 
> 
> The Thais resent the French having colonized Laos and Cambodia, too. They wanted large swaths of those countries for themselves, not to mention a couple of northern Malay states.


 
Your point being?

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## robuzo

> Originally Posted by robuzo
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
>  Originally Posted by the dogcatcher
> ...


You really need it explained?  Look at it this way- do you detect a lot of resentment of the French among the Laos?  There is probably a reason that French tourists still feel welcome there, in a way they probably don't in Algeria.  

The Laos seem happy not to be part of Thailand.  The last time I was there one thing they seem most concerned about now is not being part of China.

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## the dogcatcher

I don't detect resentment towards anyone by the Laotians. I don't see why they should resent the Chinese unless they are pissed off with being saddled by communism which the chincks had a hand in. Most the Laotian I know, and that's plenty, have no idea about the history of their own country. GF had no idea why she could by French bread everywhere in Laos and nowhere in Thailand, except Tescos. And no one feels welcome in Algeria, bloody dangerous place.

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## robuzo

> I don't detect resentment towards anyone by the Laotians. I don't see why they should resent the Chinese unless they are pissed off with being saddled by communism which the chincks had a hand in. Most the Laotian I know, and that's plenty, have no idea about the history of their own country. GF had no idea why she could by French bread everywhere in Laos and nowhere in Thailand, except Tescos. And no one feels welcome in Algeria, bloody dangerous place.


Also consider that there is a large part of Thailand bordering on Laos, in which a large part of the population and their dialect are referred to as Lao and which has a history of seeking independence from Bangkok.  There is a reason Prem wants to place a large standing army in Isaan, and it probably isn't about repelling invaders from Laos or Cambodge.

As to the Chinese, they are more or less on their way to colonizing Laos.  They control the Mekong.  There is also the "special economic zone" (Chinese zone) outside of Vientiane: BBC NEWS | Asia-Pacific | China moves into laid-back Laos  Have you noticed the lettering on the taxis lined up along the riverbank in Vientiane?  Laos tend to be fairly aware of their culture and people I talked to last time I was there expressed concern about Chinese influence.  

"Most the Laotian I know, and that's plenty, have no idea about the history of their own country."  Are you sure you are in a position to judge?

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## watterinja

> 3) According to Forbes, Thailand is more corrupt than Laos. That is a moot point however, as both are corrupt. My personal experience is also that you can trust Laos business partners but not Thai.


Well, good for you. Somehow, though, I'd say that you're either naive, or are talking baloney...  :Smile: 




> 10X times more corrupt is just silly.


A very simple calculation:
Thailand corruption index around 5-10% is acknowledged by many business folks. It's when it gets above 10% that people begin to really feel uncomfortable.

Laos is interesting:
An externally-funded project comes up. Relevant authority figure approaches supplier along the lines of - you double your price - 50% for you (original selling price) + 50% for me. In other words 100% of correct selling price.

Ever wondered where the money comes from to fund all the V8 Toyota Landcruisers driven around Laos? Oh, sorry, missed the new laptops, mobiles, free per-diems... the list is pretty interesting.

Thailand corruption = smooth as silk;
Laos corruption = hard, in-your-face, upfront, brazen.

Hey, best of success in your investments in the Laos stock market...  :smiley laughing: 

Seriously though:
When the level of corruption, in any country, goes above a certain level, it kills business & trading. In my sincere view, this is the fundamental reason why Laos has not grown since 1975. Almost all major initiatives, whether of honest intent, or not, are squashed at early feasibility stage, as the greed factor kicks in. This is a great pity, as the Laos people are, in the main, wonderful, kind folks, who really do deserve to be given a fair chance at life. Instead, many are forced to go off to Thailand in search of work - often menial - just in order o fend for their families. It is a shame.

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## robuzo

> Laos is interesting:
> An externally-funded project comes up. Relevant authority figure approaches supplier along the lines of - you double your price - 50% for you (original selling price) + 50% for me. In other words 100% of correct selling price.
> 
> Ever wondered where the money comes from to fund all the V8 Toyota Landcruisers driven around Laos? Oh, sorry, missed the new laptops, mobiles, free per-diems... the list is pretty interesting.
> 
> Thailand corruption = smooth as silk;
> Laos corruption = hard, in-your-face, upfront, brazen.


A long time ago, a couple of years after the collapse of the USSR, I was talking with a Russian man in Vancouver and asked him what he thought about the rise of the mafiosi in Russia.  "Before we had one mafia, now we have several- there is competition!"  Laos, as far as I can tell, still has one mafia.

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## the dogcatcher

I read the BBC article and it would appear positive providing the Laos government hold true to their word. Unfortunately this brings us back to corruption, and the one Mafia conversation. Laos Desparately needs inward investment, but I fear too much of that investment will end up in the pockets of government officials and not the man in the street.

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## the dogcatcher

And yes, I can comment about the level of understanding of Laos history by the commoners there. The village I live in probably has more foreigners than Thais and a good percentage are Laotian, also I am "married" into a large Laos family. There's hundreds of the Laosy buggars.

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## watterinja

> I read the BBC article and it would appear positive providing the Laos government hold true to their word. Unfortunately this brings us back to corruption, and the one Mafia conversation. Laos Desparately needs inward investment, but *I fear too much of that investment will end up in the pockets of government officials and not the man in the street*.


This then answers my 3 questions above. It is a true tragedy.

Of late, there has also been increasing pressure to clamp down on foreign (long-term)  visas for Laos. This applies to NGO's, businesses, individuals. It cannot be good for the long-term view on the country, & is a great pity in my view, as many foreigners seem to recently be moving out of Laos.

Something has changed & many foreigners seem to have given up on it's apparent, or promised forward progress - a pity. (Source was from close family members who commented on the number of foreigners they'd observed moving away from Laos.)

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## Fabian

> Great stuff SLK - both posts !
> 
> I presume you were pissed out of your skull when you wrote 'Kota Kinabalu which is the Western bit of Malaysia' as it is in fact the most eastern city in East Malaysia !
> 
> But WTF ! good stuff - where is your next visa run to - your audience awaits !


I agree, very funny.

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## Vientianeboy

"Thailand corruption = smooth as silk;
Laos corruption = hard, in-your-face, upfront, brazen."

I guess you don't read Forbes? 

"Of late, there has also been increasing pressure to clamp down on foreign (long-term)  visas for Laos."

News to me. I believe the exact opposite to be the case; the Govt. is looking at making visa regulations easier. Though I will say that there has been a clampdown and check on legitimate visas over the last 3 months. This is because of the SEA Games. The same thing happened when the ASEAN conference was held here.

"Hey, best of success in your investments in the Laos stock market..."

Thank you. You could do a lot worse than invest in Nam Theun, BCEL and Laotel.

Dogcatcher: "Has Laos any natural resourses? (sic). It may have but there is'nt the money to look for them."
You are joking, aren't you? I suggest you have a look at Phu Bia and LXML for starters.

As for talking "baloney". Do you actually live and work here? Have you got a business here? Have you spoken to any of the younger ministers and politicians in the government? They are just as aware of corruption and want to do something about it. I am just curious as a lot of what you have written is incorrect. I am always bemused by people who are outside the country and set themselves up as authorities. I actually have more time for the present government here than I do for Abhisit, who really would have difficulty running a brothel on a free day.

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## klongmaster

get it right KW...



> bladdy pendant





> Wiki:A *pendant*  is a hanging object, generally attached to a necklace or an earring.





> Wiki again: A *pedant* is a person who is overly concerned with formalism and precision, or who makes a show of his learning.

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## Maximusp

The Lao people don't really resent any other people. Given that their status as a LDC, past history and their geogrphical location, Laotians understand that Laos isn't in much of a position to do anything about the encroachment of the Chinese especially up north or the omnipresent Viets. Well I'm not too sure if the Chinese have a definite idea as to what they want to achieve in Laos i.e. if they are really interested in incorporating the LPDR into China. However, in my conversations with a few Laotians, it isn't China or the Chinese that they are concerned about, it is Vietnam. In fact, the impression I seem to be getting is if and when the LPDR will follow in the footsteps of the Khmer Khrom and be annexed formally by Vietnam.

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## Jimmu

written up by a racist and a bigot (Spot on)

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## Maximusp

Few more things. Laos does possess some natural resources and several outfits are seeking to invest, are prospecting or already mining there albeit most of these are from ex communist allies like the Russians (see Russian firm seeks tin, zinc in southern Laos and Laos Mining News - Mining Industry Today), the Chinese (see Sepon mine in Laos to be sold to China? and Tatas eye iron ore mines in Laos-China Mining) and of course the Viets (see Vietnamese mining company signs Laos mining deal and Joint venture carry out bronze mining in Laos - Vietnam Business Finance). Of late, the Aussies seem to have also gotten into the game too (:: KPL :: Lao News Agency).

While Laos may not be the preferred of destinations for most foreigners, I personally do have a soft spot for it. Perhaps it has to do with its sad history dating from the times of the Lane Xang Hom Khao i.e. where each and every one of its neighbors Cambodia, Burma, China, Thailand and of course Vietnam have all sought control over this strategically located country. One cannot forget how a country that led by such great kings like Chao Setthatilath who had fought off the Bayinnaung and his mighty Burmese armies can then press the self destruct button with different factions of nobles dividing the country up into 3 separate kingdoms i.e. Luang Prabang, Viang Chan and Champassak, each faction seeking the support of amongst others the then Siam and Vietnam. Then there was the Vietnam War, where again due to her unfortunate geography, she unwittingly became a player in that war too leading to Laos being the most heavily bombed country in the world just because she formed part of the Ho Chi Minh Trail and also the fact that the Lao People's Revolutionary Party (i.e. LPRP or ພັກປະຊາຊົນປະຕິວັດລາວ) - the current ruling communists - were pro-Vietnam and had set up a soviet republic in Houaphan.

Given the past history, the geographical location one straddling powerful neighbors like China, Vietnam, Thailand as well as ex colonial masters Burma and Cambodia, its inferior bargaining position i.e. as one of the world's Least Developed Countries (LDC), disregarding the obvious Vietnamese influences such as the omnipresent conical hats and the beef noodle soup pho, one cannot be envious of the task the current LPRP leaders such as Choummaly Sayasone and Bouasone Bouphavanh have. i.e. the task of counter balancing, playing off each of the above-mentioned powerful neighbors including the one who were most instrumental in helping formed the LPRP in the first place and providing the then nascent Laotian communist party with their first leaders like the part-Vietnamese Nouhak Phoumsavanh and the University of Hanoi-educated Kaysone Phomvihan. This is no mean feat as Vietnam is thought to still have a 100,000 troops in the LPDR ostensibly to help the LPDR battle the ragged remnants of CIA-trained, General Vang Pao-led Hmong guerrilla army. News reports even those from official mouthpieces like the KPL (see :: KPL :: Lao News Agency) don't seem to offer much relief to those Laotian seeking to shake off the Vietnamese yoke.

While we do not know if it'll indeed happen, the example of what happened to the Khmer Khrom and their lands e.g. Saigon serves as a most sobering reminder to Laos, her people and their leaders as to what may lie in store for Laos in the not too distant future. In fact, some amongst the Laotian diaspora and many within Laos say Laos is already a colony of Vietnam in all but name.

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## Rural Surin

> Originally Posted by robuzo
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
>  Originally Posted by the dogcatcher
> ...


The French have left a legacy of resentment wherever they've been {historically}??

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## the dogcatcher

Yeah, but  they didn't hate the money that the French were sending them, in fact they learned to rely on it a bit too much which led to no national ambition and hence turned the countries into shitholes.

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## good2bhappy

> convinced me that a visit to Kota Kinabalu which is the Western bit of Malaysia would be a worthwhile trip


so did you find it then?!

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## Vientianeboy

"Of late, the Aussies seem to have also gotten into the game too (:: KPL :: Lao News Agency)."

5 years to be exact.

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## Maximusp

> "Of late, the Aussies seem to have also gotten into the game too (:: KPL :: Lao News Agency)."
> 
> 5 years to be exact.


Yeah but still relatively speaking, a recent phenomenon as compared to the the Russians or the Viets both having upwards a 34 years headstart.

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## mtone9317

yort post. If you read my post in Travel, it doesn't begin to compare with your trip to Viantiane. Words to my fellow American--if you want travel and ADVENTURE come to Thailand, it's much better than an amusement park. Anyway, Disneyland is expensive.

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## mingmong

[quote=SiLeakHunt;1008392]Reet
Im still in Laos and Im starting to write a trip report which says a lot for the place and I would have started it this morning if I hadnt rented a motorbike. Everyones up to date as to why Im out of the country and applying for 60 days at an Embassy rather than popping over the border and heading back ..................................................  .........................................



I enjoyed reading that,  :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):  like visa run to Cambobia, always glad to go home...

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## ralphinlaos

I've lived here for eleven years now - five in Vientiane, six in Thakhek, and have had few problems - none with the Laos government.  And I own a business here.  Lovely country, happy and friendly people.  Something for everyone (but it ain't Pattaya or Patpon, thank Buddha).

----------

