#  >  > Living And Legal Affairs In Thailand >  >  > Living In Thailand Forum >  >  Local Lavatory Legends

## somtamslap

During my first trip to ‘The Land of Smiles’; yes, the people do smile, yes, it is indeed ‘land’ and if you cunningly rearrange these two unremarkable nouns into some sort of order with the use of a preposition and a definite article then you are in fact greeted with a catchy slogan, but should you replace the aforementioned nouns with a pair which are perhaps a smidgen closer to home, say ‘filth’ and ‘pit’, you would be less likely to get a thorough bollocking for callous libelous. 

So during my first trip to The Pit of Filth way back when in 1999, which although was only 12 years ago feels like 12 billion, another life time even, a time before the subtle capacities of lao khao had further addled my already ganja baked brain, I did as every other unscrupulous back packer with a bit of spare changed in his pocket would do – purchased a lady for the purposes of a night of wild, multiple orgasmic fornication, either that or a three minute drunken fumble in the dark for two thousand fucking baht – thieving tart should’ve been prosecuted for being a bastard.

After the night of passion, Titwank ( I believe her name was such) had awoken early, obviously feeling thoroughly refreshed and clear headed after the sexual encounter and took it upon herself to do a little spring cleaning. The way she swept the floor was almost poetic. The ceramic tiles were brushed with awe inciting efficiency. With half an eye cocked through the onset of a thunderous hangover, I couldn’t help but admire her. 
‘This lady’, I mused ‘belongs in slavery.’

It was only whilst I was showering the thick residue of surplus alcohol from my pores that I realized the true evil that lurked beneath her seemingly agreeable facade.
Through the thin shower curtain I saw her approach the lavatory. ‘Splendid’ I thought ‘the bog is well overdue a Mr. Muscle dousing.’ 

But to my shock, horror and sheer disbelief, a most unprecedented series of events began to unfurl, and the bog brush was definitely not an integral part of the script.

The shadow which had now eerily started to resemble a homicidal goblin was actually beginning to mount the toilet! Not as you or I would, but actually climb onto the seat, and yes, stand on it!

“Err, Cupcake, anything I can help you with?’ I nervously queried from behind the shower screen.

“fgtetd!” She responded, with a harsh rasp.

‘Fuck me! She’s a fucking toilet monster! HELP HELP HELP HELP – I’m about to be attacked by a fucking lavatory goblin!’

I managed to regain composure as the wave of horror which had swept over me subsided a fraction, giving me an opportunity to collect my thoughts. 

Eventually curiosity allowed me to summon the courage to peer round the curtain. What greeted me will stay with me forever. It would be the focal point of many a sleepless night, of countless nightmares, of blood curdling screams into the mass void of insanity.

The girl/thing/fucking goblin was standing on the toilet seat taking a HUGE dump. It actually looked like she had grown a massive black knob from the angle of my bewildered stare.

“Be gone with you, PEASANT!” I screamed with a mixture of fear and anger. 

“I DEMAND you leave my presence!”

That was my first encounter with any such primal behavior and I obviously wasn’t impressed.

Surely, SURELY to get the most from your lavatory experience a sitting position would be more fitting.
I can’t think of a more uncomfortable or vulnerable way of taking a dump, not to mention being visually unattrative.

Tsssch. Some people!

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## alwarner

My seven year old has had a western style toilet wherever he has lived his whole life, yet, he still insists on the stand / squat method of defecation.

Most perturbing.

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## crippen

As long as it hit the bowl,she did ok. :Smile:

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## somtamslap

> My seven year old has had a western style toilet wherever he has lived his whole life, yet, he still insists on the stand / squat method of defecation.


 I would say nip it in the bud, but the young chap is now a fully blossomed bog balancer.

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## BaitongBoy

^^ Stinky is a crack shot...

 :Smile:

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## alwarner

> Originally Posted by alwarner
> 
> My seven year old has had a western style toilet wherever he has lived his whole life, yet, he still insists on the stand / squat method of defecation.
> 
> 
>  I would say nip it in the bud, but the young chap is now a fully blossomed bog balancer.


yeah, it's weird. as far as i know the rest of the family are all sitters.

He'll probably scrunch bog paper rather than fold it in the absence of a bun gun.  The little monster.

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## FlyFree

I want to say something nice, befitting my reincarnation as a man of peace, but I find it hard to think of something.

Slap, you short on Baht? The quality of your lao khao seem to be dropping. Bit concerned here.

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## Carrabow

I used the one in the Surin market by the meat stands and it was horrific. It is too bad I did not have a camera. I was afraid to touch anything and insisted I sit in the back of the truck away from the food until we could get home to take a shower. 

I had a really bad case of the rumbly grumbly's. I had to or would have shat meself  :Confused:  On second thought I do not think I cleaned up afterwards, klong water would have been preferrable than what was in the water bucket  :Confused:

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## Looper

> The girl/thing/fucking goblin was standing on the toilet seat taking a HUGE dump. It actually looked like she had grown a massive black knob from the angle of my bewildered stare.


Yermans pay top dollar to watch that so she was probably fishing for a tip  :Smile:

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## jizzybloke

> I used the one in the Surin market by the meat stands and it was horrific. It is too bad I did not have a camera. I was afraid to touch anything and insisted I sit in the back of the truck away from the food until we could get home to take a shower. 
> 
> I had a really bad case of the rumbly grumbly's. I had to or would have shat meself  On second thought I do not think I cleaned up afterwards, klong water would have been preferrable than what was in the water bucket


One of the night markets in Bkk I needed a dump got sent the wrong way a couple of times and when I finally found it, I waddled in the door clenching but as the smell fucking hit me it really took my breath away.
I turned around and walked back out, very nearly did shit my pants that night but there was no way I could have used those toilets!

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## somtamslap

> The quality of your lao khao


 Same old see-sip degree bottom-end shite.






> Yermans pay top dollar to watch that so she was probably fishing for a tip


Yeramans - causing me to wretch since 1999.

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## withnallstoke

Got any polaroids of the hemorrhoids?

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## billy the kid

what are yermans or yeramans ?
i thought it was a belfast <it is> saying.
eg, how's yerman,, jimmy doing these days.

you ain't seen or smelt anyting
until you visit the 'toilets' in Yunnan,China.
shit you not,,, they are the worst.

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## alwarner

> Got any polaroids of the hemorrhoids?

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## alwarner

> what are yermans or yeramans ?
> 
> you ain't seen or smelt anyting
> until you visit the 'toilets' in Yunnan,China.
> shit you not,,, they are the worst.


Germans.

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## somtamslap

> what are yermans or yeramans ?


 Krauts.






> Got any polaroids of the hemorrhoids?


 Only slides I'm afraid. Actually I'm having an evening in December you may want to pencil in. And for pity's sake PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave your beastiality collection at home.

^ Who the FACK is that, Al?

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## alwarner

Emma Freud

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## wuron

I have been here 5 years and never yet had to squat to take a dump. I worry I would miss. What do you do if you miss? Do you grab it and throw it in real fast or just get the hell out of there?

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## alwarner

> I have been here 5 years and never yet had to squat to take a dump. I worry I would miss. What do you do if you miss? Do you grab it and throw it in real fast or just get the hell out of there?


it's a bit of an ordeal.

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## Carrabow

> Originally Posted by wuron
> 
> 
> I have been here 5 years and never yet had to squat to take a dump. I worry I would miss. What do you do if you miss? Do you grab it and throw it in real fast or just get the hell out of there?
> 
> 
> it's a bit of an ordeal.


If it is a sprayer, hopefully it did not get on your pants leg or ankles if you are in shorts  :Confused:

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## billy the kid

> I have been here 5 years and never yet had to squat to take a dump. I worry I would miss. What do you do if you miss? Do you grab it and throw it in real fast or just get the hell out of there?



get the hell outta there.  
with a smile on yer face.

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## somtamslap

> Do you grab it and throw it in real fast or just get the hell out of there?


 Definitely the latter. Nine times out of ten it'll go unnoticed anyway.

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## alwarner

> Originally Posted by alwarner
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
>  Originally Posted by wuron
> ...



ha ha - I've nothing against a squat toilet per se, but the only time i ever seem to use one it/s a matter of utmost urgency.  As the law of sod would have it they are therefore the most heinously disgusting things imaginable.  I tend to find that the only sort of bowel movement that would force me into one of these places is of a volcanic nature.  So it's shorts and undercrackers off and not squat but sit on the bloody thing.  As the pain subsides, and i regain my vision it's always then (and not before) that I remember these places NEVER HAVE ANY TISSUE PAPER.  So to top it all off it's stagnant water and my left hand to cleanse my very sensitive ring piece.

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## oxyjohn

i always thought Thailand had the right mixture of depravity and modern plumbing. The bum squirter was a great invention. Can't manage the squater toilets though, my knees would sieze up.

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## somtamslap

The next thing you have to consider whilst performing the stand - squat method is the volume.
Defication is usually laced with a hearty helping of flatulence and even whilst sitting in the conventional manner, the conclave into which your are relieving yourself does little to muffle the bowel explosion. So just imagine then that you are squatting in a cubical with a large intestine fit to burst with last night's laab moo and six bottles of lager, and one of your superiors at work decides to go for a quick piss in the neighbouring urinal...

* PHMMMMMMPT PARRRRRRRRRRP CHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUG Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeek*

Would that count as a loss of face or not?

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## Carrabow

> Originally Posted by Carrabow
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
>  Originally Posted by alwarner
> ...


Copious amounts of Immodium will ensure you can avoid these places. Bus station food is absolutely out of the question.

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## BaitongBoy

^^^Yep...it's really the knees when it cums right down to it...

Thais don't have knees...hence, it's easy for them to squat...

 :mid:

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## alwarner

> The next thing you have to consider whilst performing the stand - squat method is the volume.
> Defication is usually laced with a hearty helping of flatulence and even whilst sitting in the conventional manner, the conclave into which your are relieving yourself does little to muffle the bowel explosion. So just imagine then that you are squatting in a cubical with a large intestine fit to burst with last night's laab moo and six bottles of lager, and one of your superiors at work decides to go for a quick piss in the neighbouring urinal...
> 
> * PHMMMMMMPT PARRRRRRRRRRP CHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUG Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeek*
> 
> Would that count as a loss of face or not?



fucking LOL.

oh the humanity.

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## BaitongBoy

> Would that count as a loss of face or not?


It would be more related to your arse, surely...

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## alwarner

> Originally Posted by alwarner
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
>  Originally Posted by Carrabow
> ...


I'd never thought of that, but it'd mean whenever i stray more than 4 minutes from a safehouse(mine or the in-laws) i'd have to dose up.  and i never know when the urge is going to take hold.

Examples:

Go to Khorat shopping with the Mrs.  Browsing in a couple of decent Malls, Lotus, Big C - something to eat, bit of a mooch.  Not even so much as a fart on the horizon.  

Got to Chok Chai to get internet sorted out / buy modem, as soon as we get off the bus i'm in bits.  Awful.  Had to use the khazi at the transport police office, and then leave sharpish.  I wouldn't be surprised if there was a warrant out for me for crimes against humanity it was that bad.

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## oxyjohn

Also Thais have a consistent diet, their turds are entirley predictable. Farangs on the other hand will yam pla muk one meal and the next have KFC. Our excretions are never predictable. You really need to be sure what to expect when using one of these infernal devices.

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## Carrabow

Thats why before I leave the house (especially after a drinking binge) I perform a forced bowel movement  :Smile:

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## somtamslap

> as soon as we get off the bus i'm in bits.


 It's when you're on a bus with no shitter on it, you have to worry. Its taken me several different buses to make a two hour journey in the past.

'STOP! STOP THIS FUCKING BUS IMMEDIATELY!'

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## somtamslap

> I perform a forced bowel movement


 Sometimes that forced bowel movement is the tip of the iceberg..

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## Carrabow

> Originally Posted by Carrabow
> 
> I perform a forced bowel movement
> 
> 
>  Sometimes that forced bowel movement is the tip of the iceberg..


of a sh*tty experience

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## oxyjohn

The farang's unpredictable intestinal constitution is due to our obsession with cleanliness. The mrs, however, was brought up without such concerns and consequently has a stainless steel stomach, she never gets the shits. I only have to look at chickens feet soup and i've got the runs something terrible.

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## OhOh

> I only have to look at chickens feet soup


Chicken Feet soup, only the best for you then. It's rice and spicy twigs for me on many occasion.

The visits to "family" are the best. 10 visitors all sleeping in the same room. I say sleeping, how is one to achieve this except by drink. Kids, grannies, "brothers" wifes and husbands all with very different agendas. My advice is grab a nap in the afternoon and stay up until the chaos has died down.

One arises and claims the "bathroom. The trick is to appear to be waiting. The "bathroom", a ceilingless, block, rectangle with the obligatory tin door held with a piece of string just not long enough to tie the door closed.

More people awake and a queue forms whilst you are "finishing" the Shit/Shower/Shave routine. Squat, squirt and sluice. Dunk, scrub and sluice again. Scrape whilst imagining a mirror. I find singing loudly keeps them at bay.

A voice at the door, "quick quick you feed monks, come now, now".  

This is the prearranged call. Rush out, smile and leave the bathroom/kitchen/dining room to the next guest.

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## sabang

> fucking lavatory gobling


That is, or should be, illegal.

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## nigelandjan

> Would that count as a loss of face or not?


              Not necasarilly ,,,,,,, I went up a couple of notches on the family tree after delivering the afoermentioned with a full boom bangabang bang in the cupboard/closet/corrugated iron thingy in the corner of the kitchen as the MIL chopped chilli,s merrilly away the other side of the door ,, secured by the S shaped nail  :Smile:

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## khmen

Khmen's guide to Asian anal hygiene.

Take off your shorts/trousers and underpants, if you wear them.
Position ringpiece over the bowl.
Place feet as far apart as possible to avoid shitty splashback.
Brace yourself.
Shotgun blast the bowl with the full force of last nights beer and chillies.
Take the provided bowl of water, cup some in your hand and apply to your slippery piece, which feels somewhat like a dirty slug.
When you have diluted your shit to the extent that it no longer shows up on your fingers and is running down your legs and into your shoes youre done.
Dry the diluted shit solution off on the non-existent towel or bog roll.
Throw a couple more bowls of water into the shitter to flush away the toxic waste.
Put your trousers back on, open the door and act like you havent just engaged in some of the most vile scatalogical perversions known to man.

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## celtic

Yep! Having to use a squat toilet scares the shit out of me!
(Unintentional but unavoidable pun!)
Because of my MC accident 7-8 years ago I'm unable to bend my left leg so squatting is out of the question and standing while trying to "open bomb bay doors" is not at all appealling as an alternative!    :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

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## Strongarm

> Thats why before I leave the house (especially after a drinking binge) I perform a forced bowel movement


I am generally well aware of my AGB (After Grog Bog) requirements.  There is no way in hell I am leaving the house the next morning until everything has made its way out of me, whichever hole it chooses.  

Currently stirring the pot as we speak, should be only minutes away.....

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## withnallstoke

> and standing while trying to "open bomb bay doors" is not at all appealling as an alternative!


Rather than the full on squat method, have you tried the bomb bay duck?

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## nidhogg

> Surely, SURELY to get the most from your lavatory experience a sitting position would be more fitting.
> I can’t think of a more uncomfortable or vulnerable way of taking a dump, not to mention being visually unattrative.


 
Much as I enjoyed the story, I do have to add a note of seriousness here.

"Sqatting" shitting is actually the recommended way -much healthier for your body. "Sitting" shitting is actually a very bad way - and because of it we westerners are very prey to a number of ailments which include hemorhhoids.

Sadly, you are designed by nature to shit while squatting. The human lower colon has a "bend" in it when you are standing. This bend acts as the last physical "trap". Squatting straightens the bend, and makes it easier to shit without forcing it.

Sitting (as we westerners are want to do) does NOT sufficiently straighten the bend, meaning we "force" the load on its way over the bend. This forcing is bad for us.

It is recomended that if you do have to "shit to shit", you put your feet on a couple of books (or similar) on the floor. This raises the angle of your knees higher, and helps to straighten out the colon resulting in much less stress on your lower bowel and the colon wall.

Now, you all may mock, but, the offset of all this is that we westerners are really likely to end up, on our fronts, arse in the air while some doctors stiches up your arse after having cut off a "bunch of grapes". Your call.

Anyway, 2,000 baht in 1999? She saw you coming....(probably literally)

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## somtamslap

> "Sqatting" shitting is actually the recommended way -much healthier for your body.


 What about those of us with inner ear issues who can bearly walk upright let alone balance on a shatter thundering out last nights beef wellington. Totally impractical method.

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## somtamslap

> Anyway, 2,000 baht in 1999?


 Room service at a posh hotel. Those bastards charge the Earth..

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## misskit

> "Sqatting" shitting is actually the recommended way -much healthier for your body. "Sitting" shitting is actually a very bad way - and because of it we westerners are very prey to a number of ailments which include hemorhhoids.


When I first went to Japan, around twenty years ago, the government was having squat style toilets converted to sit toilets in the homes of elderly people. It was done free of charge. The reason was when older people get up during the night and squat, it raises their blood pressure to a very high and dangerous level. There were more people having heart attacks after a trip to the squat toilet.

It always seemed to me that squatting was more natural and would keep one in better physical condition.

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## OhOh

> thundering out last nights beef wellington


You want to try Gordon Ramesy's "Sole a la Stilleto".

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## nigelandjan

> you put your feet on a couple of books


           Thanks for the tip ,,,,,,,,, I,m off to the library to ask for a couple of reccomendation,s for this excersise  :Smile:

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## alwarner

> Khmen's guide to Asian anal hygiene.
> 
> Take off your shorts/trousers and underpants, if you wear them.
> Position ringpiece over the bowl.
> Place feet as far apart as possible to avoid shitty splashback.
> Brace yourself.
> Shotgun blast the bowl with the full force of last nights beer and chillies.
> Take the provided bowl of water, cup some in your hand and apply to your slippery piece, which feels somewhat like a dirty slug.
> When you have diluted your shit to the extent that it no longer shows up on your fingers and is running down your legs and into your shoes youre done.
> ...


That's the exact method I use.

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## somtamslap

> You want to try Gordon Ramesy's "Sole a la Stilleto".


 Sounds like the sort of thing Ramsey would knock up, whilst telling people to fuck off, of course.

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## ltnt

To be considered truly "local," one must master this activity.  Once mastered you have become BM ambi-dexterius.  

I've been watching the squat and s#[at]t thing since 5 so along side the road, in the gutter, or simply pull the pant-leg up and squat effect has no shock value anymore. 

 Most memorable was the swabbing out of the clit after with the two fingers on her pearlesent hand and throwing the seaman against the wall next to the bed.  For me this is still one vision to many, time to return to the land of the big PX.

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## withnallstoke

^ Good grief. 
What a classy wench.
Did you keep her number?

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## BaitongBoy

> the seaman


He must have made a big splash...

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## ltnt

Young dumb and full of come.  You kidding, keep her number...more like how did I end up with her.  I can still see it sliding down the wall...

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## ltnt

I don't know about a splash, but thinking on it perhaps it was a late night snack for her?

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## BaitongBoy

Why are camels called ships of the desert?

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## Cujo

> Why are camels called ships of the desert?


Because they're full of Arab seamen.
That's so old you should be redded for it.

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## BaitongBoy

^ It's semen, Koojo...that makes the punchline...

Refer back to posts #52 and #54 for full understanding...

 :Smile:

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## withnallstoke

It's not all Arab   :mid:

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## Aussie Tigger

A couple of occasions come to mind seeing we are deep in discussion on crap.
First one was in Talisay Cebu where every Sunday night my first Filipina (mistake) had her family join us for dinner and to watch the highlight movie that took about 3 hours to screen as commercials dominated 2 hours of it.
Well the kids went to our modern toilet and seemed to take for ever so I looked in to see the 8 year old nephew crouched with his feet of course spread on the toilet, but holding on for dear life to the cistern.The image has not left me to this day. 
Second scenario was catching a bus driven by a Charles Bronson look alike re enacting Death Wish 3 from Tacloban in Leyte to Dolores in Samar, a third of the way across the mountainous journey my bowels started to loosen up.
After countless pleas to what I now realised was a deaf Charles Bronson it was obvious he had no intention to slow down.
His death defying driving hardly helped my now almost exploding bowels which was so bad I was not game enough to cough let alone fart.
3 hours later with skid marks permanently etched into my briefs he stops for a 3 minute lay over at a sari sari store.
In agony I got myself of the WMD and yelled where is the toilet (forget the name for crapper in Visayan).
Well by now even mentioning the word toilet set the bowels in motion as most would agree occurs,but I with relief I pushed open the door(next to the food storage) and waded through the floor of the toilet that had 5cms of urine with a few torpedoes also working their way around the enclosure.
The actual toilet was as one would expect a squat type but even the footprints that is normally etched in was covered with you know what. 
With my pants clutched to my knees to avoid the 5cms of urine and torpedos I offloaded and then looked for paper which of course there was none.
My yell however got some action and the jungle women I had foolishly let myself get involved with finally passed over a sheet of newspaper.
I eventualy waded out of this cesspool and onto the bus vowing to never travel without paper again or without making sure I had cleared my system before.

Third Scenario still in Dolores at the local beach where on Sundays a picnic was the go as long as there was a foreigner willing to pay for the food and drinks etc.
I was in the sea up to my chin I recall asking myself WTF was I doing here in Eastern Samar with rebel forces a km away and filipino guys pissed to the eyeball on Tuba roaming around.
Lost in my thoughts as described a splash about a foot from my nose happened and sort of surprised me especially when I realised the splash was caused by a 6 inch torp. I looked around an there was my jungle waray waray women about 15 feet away with the biggest smile on her face. 
She had crapped in the sea and thrown it at me aaaggghh. 
All I could think of was what my dear old Dad would have said if he had been there. 
Needless to say I did not stay that much longer with her although I am a victim for punishement at times as I have learned.

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## oxyjohn

^Their fckuing animals! The ladies i met on my only visit to the Phillipines (from Angeleise and Sabang) all seemed very civilized. Never observed their toilet habits though.

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## oxyjohn

^ They're fckuing animals, i should say

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## IceSpike



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## nigelandjan

^ Good God I,d rather have a jimmy round the back somewhere rather than chance that beast  :Smile: 

              Lovin the gold tooth though , funny I,ve had one there in the same place in the rack for 14 years now  :Smile:

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## somtamslap

> Good God I,d rather have a jimmy round the back somewhere rather than chance that beast


 Definitely. The saucy bugger's even poised to photograph the unsuspecting bog conniseur's knob.

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## Stumpy

> If it is a sprayer, hopefully it did not get on your pants leg or ankles if you are in shorts


^ Those are memorable.... :rofl:  Not been blessed with one of those deals but have heard from a few that have. 

As an avid hunter you learn how to quickly drop your deuce with one hand on a tree. Same applies in the bathroom, lean against the wall. 

I imagine for some of you old folks with bad knees this could present a dilemna. Maybe take a piece of cardboard in as a shield/guide.  :smiley laughing:

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## withnallstoke

> Maybe take a piece of cardboard in as a shield/guide.


Sometimes that just wouldn't help.

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## Stumpy

> Originally Posted by JPPR2
> 
> Maybe take a piece of cardboard in as a shield/guide.
> 
> 
> Sometimes that just wouldn't help.


^ Yikes, that looks like the "run off" from a hard Hennessey night. I can see where cardboard would not cut it. Maybe one of their suits with a zipper up the ass trap door dealio? Disposable of course.

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## somtamslap

> Yikes, that looks like the "run off" from a hard Hennessey night.


 Looks like a tame morning in the Slap household, with the aid of a pair of immodium.

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## Stumpy

> Originally Posted by JPPR2
> 
>  Yikes, that looks like the "run off" from a hard Hennessey night.
> 
> 
>  Looks like a tame morning in the Slap household, with the aid of a pair of immodium.


See you are scaring me now with that Lhao Kao junk you drink. I did the taste test and it was finger nail polish remover relabeled. 

Just buy some Remy and call it.......

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## OhOh

> Looks like a tame morning in the Slap household


My first thoughts as well, I can see why Withnallstoke is reluctant to the conjugal visit idea.

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## DrB0b

> nouns into some sort of order with the use of a preposition and a definite article


Are you secretly a TEFLer, Slap? :mid:

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## somtamslap

> Originally Posted by somtamslap
> 
> nouns into some sort of order with the use of a preposition and a definite article
> 
> 
> Are you secretly a TEFLer, Slap?


Lord, no! I'm a successful stockmarket guy! Buy high, sell low..it's worked out for ages..

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## Stumpy

> I'm a successful stockmarket guy! Buy high, sell low..it's worked out for ages..


Me too. In fact with the majority of my friends I am used now as a leading indicator. When I sell at a loss it usually goes up huge. I guess the beauty in my method is I never have to pay capital gain taxes.

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## Crepitus

For sale by careful Thai lady owner: 
Qty 2 toilet brushes, new, never used.
Reason for sale: have pet Farang _untouchable_ .

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## DJ Pat

> Originally Posted by khmen
> 
> 
> Khmen's guide to Asian anal hygiene.
> 
> Take off your shorts/trousers and underpants, if you wear them.
> Position ringpiece over the bowl.
> Place feet as far apart as possible to avoid shitty splashback.
> Brace yourself.
> ...


Never crapped this way, and I'm bloody glad.

Although once I was so desperate for a wank that I almost tried it in one of these khazis but for a wank it's quite difficult in the squat position.

I had to wait four hours til I got home, and boy was it an almightily prolonged, perverted thought infested wank. 

When I did come it was like thunder and lightning.

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## alwarner

> Originally Posted by alwarner
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
>  Originally Posted by khmen
> ...


just cause you're in a toilet cubicle it doesn't mean you have to sit down / squat to crack one off.

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## taxexile

the sign outside a hua hin public toilet.

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## oxyjohn

how do they know what you've done if you're in a cubicle? i suppose if you ask for toilet paper first and don't return with it??

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## somtamslap

My worst experience to date re: Public Shatters, would have to be during a bout of extreme cacking in the Saraburi bus station bogs. Just as the job had been completed and the mop up was being considered, the next door cubicle door burst open, was quickly locked and the sounds of rampant benders pushing poo commenced..it was so fucking horrifying that I completely overlooked the wiping process and spent the best part of the day walking about with a greasy ring piece.
Horrendous state of affairs.

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## IceSpike

Hehehehhohohohahaha if you pay the five baht you get two-sheets single ply and a smile from the Honey behind the sign.

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## alwarner

> the sign outside a hua hin public toilet.


that's appalling.

You shouldn't have to specify before you go into the breach.   What happens if after paying for a "richard" the rumbling in your bowels is just a bit of a trapped wind, followed by your prostate forcing out a feeble jet of warm yellow liquid?

the system is flawed.

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## somtamslap

> if you pay the five baht you get two-sheets single ply


 Completely forgot about such home comforts as I bounded up the stairs five at a time, screaming 'MOVE, I'M ABOUT TO FUCKING EXPLODE!'

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## IceSpike

hehehehohohohohhahaha Did you get loose? It can be explosive!

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## IceSpike

Actually this is serious if all you have on is a pair of boxers and cargo shorts...

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## Carrabow

In case of an emergency, if you have a t-shirt on tear off 6 inches from the bottom of it.

Solves the greasy ring piece

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## khmen

^ Or a sock. Did that not so long ago when caught short, after I'd run around with my keks round my ankles, as I'd initially squatted over a red ant nest. Think I already posted about that somewhere on TD actually.

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## Carrabow

> ^ Or a sock. Did that not so long ago when caught short, after I'd run around with my keks round my ankles, as I'd initially squatted over a red ant nest. Think I already posted about that somewhere on TD actually.


I cant do that, I have smelly feet and I do not know what would be worse. Running around smelling like Poo all day or stinky feet  :Confused:

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## nigelandjan

> if you have a t-shirt on tear off 6 inches from the bottom of it.


            and if your suffering from triangular shite cut 6 inches off your string vest  :Smile:

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## nigelandjan

> What happens if after paying for a "richard" the rumbling in your bowels is just a bit of a trapped wind, followed by your prostate forcing out a feeble jet of warm yellow liquid?


            Sorry no refunds allthough credits can be added ,, also points can be scored for good behaviour in the traps ,, also taken away for improper or dangerous behaviour in there  :mid:

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## LooseBowels

I've been shittin some real beauties lately, 18" coils.  :Smile: 

I put it down to drinking cholesterol reducing yogurts every day, don't half bulk up your turds.

Lot better since I had 2 of my 3 hemerroids banded, got the knack of squeezin em out without me arse endin up like a butchers shop.

Its all in the pose, but thing is, as soon as that turd tip smells daylight, he's on his way, wether anyones at home or not

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## withnallstoke

> I've been shittin some real beauties lately, 18" coils.


If you dry them out, place them under a table and light them, they may help to keep the mozzies away. **





**_May also attract flies._

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## Rural Surin

> how do they know what you've done if you're in a cubicle? i suppose if you ask for toilet paper first and don't return with it??


 
For those cretins that use paper.

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## Cujo

Christ almighty, greens for everyone posting on this thread, I haven't laughed so much in ages.

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## Rural Surin

> Originally Posted by LooseBowels
> 
> I've been shittin some real beauties lately, 18" coils.
> 
> 
> If you dry them out, place them under a table and light them, they may help to keep the mozzies away. **
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You need to get out more, mate. :Mischievous:

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## taxexile

for dedicated crapologists and colonophiles only. 


Crappers Quarterly - Glossary of Turds

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## nigelandjan

> I've been shittin some real beauties lately, 18" coils.


 Are you using the wife,s tape measure Bowels ?






> Lot better since I had 2 of my 3 hemerroids banded,


       I really feel for you mate ,, these bloody government cutbacks are affecting us all in different ways,  nevermind mate it,s only 6 month,s untill the next financial year to get the other bugger sorted . If my wrists were stronger I would  put a miners lamp on my head and force a set of tongs apart with an inner tube for a wheelbarrow over the bastard thing !  Don,t worry I used to remove heavy hogs nuts with a similar implement  :kma: 






> got the knack of squeezin em out without me arse endin up like a butchers shop.


            When the budget allows mate try the meat counter at Waitrose ,,, it does,nt have to be like this.  

        Be carefull its dangerous out there !

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## nigelandjan

Koojoo   that used to be a common complaint in the 70,s  doctors surgeries block booked with men wearing these

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## Crepitus

...5555 such a tasteful thread...

Had an Aussie mate in Canada told me that when he was in the navy the queen was coming aboard his ship...he was part of the team which was _preparing_ her cabin...
..apparently they _modified_ the crapper piping so that they could collect one of her turds...all went extremely well and the excrement was duly collected.
It was then dessicated, varnished and mounted in a frame to adorn the officers mess ....thus for ever debunking the British opinion and myth that ".....she takes pills"...

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## Shy Guava

In the early 70s I used to drink in a bar on Silom Rd near Patpong owned by an American ex-SEAL. A great place for various activities, and most of the clientele were Special Forces guys on leave from Vietnam plus a few local residents like me. I have a lot of interesting stories from this place but one in particular regarding shithouses.

The bar owner was married to a Thai Muslim who had nagged him for years about getting their two sons circumcised, but this had gone on for so long they were now young teenagers. He finally gave in, but as he was paying for the ceremony, every uncircumcised kid in Samut Prakan wound up getting in on a freebie.
The result was a huge celebration, if that is the correct word. 4 other farangs and I were guests of honour. The quid pro quo on this was that we had to sit on a stage just before the actual rite and watch assembled mussies manage to get into riot mode without the benefit of alcohol. Some of the lads were getting quite big, so my other duty was left leg holder while the poor kids were getting snipped by a rather undesirable looking fellow with a rusty blood-stained  tool  kit. The anesthetic was a Vicks inhaler stuffed up each nostril.

But I digress.

As our farang group was the only infidel drinkers in a solid muslim enclave, our host rented a barber shop for us to hang out in the hours leading up to the ceremony. We each had a barbers chair and the comely wenches who are normally there to give massages and dig wax out of patrons ears were assigned to fetching and serving us alcoholic beverages. After a while I felt the need to use the facility at the back of the shop. I went in to the small room and at first all I could see was a klong jar full of water with the normal ladle and several drinking glasses holding family toothbrushes and toothpaste.

But where was the bog?

I was bewildered and then noticed I was standing on a sheet of plywood on the floor. With some trepidation I eased up one end of the plywood. Sure enough, there was squatter mounted  flush with the floor. This was absolutely filled to the brim with turd mixture. Part of the plan was immediately apparent: take a dump, put the plywood back down and then jump up and down on it to force it through the system.

It was horrific, but I suppose was useful in early identification of any looming family medical disasters. My problem was that I only wanted a No 1 and I could see no way that this could be achieved without it just running off the hot plate back onto my feet. I thought of excavating a hole with somebodys tooth brush glass, but decided to seek alternatives first. I had noticed a back door and hoped it might lead to a backyard or laundry. I was partly correct. The discharge from the aforementioned shitter ended about 6 from the wall and a large diameter shit sausage was being extruded out of it every time somebody stood on the plywood inside. After filling the back yard up, this was eventually able to be carried away in a fetid drain outside the property. Anyway, I stood on the back step and took a leak.

After reclaiming my barber chair, I resumed conversation with the Green Beret dude in the chair beside me. When he was heading out to the back, I mentioned that it was one of the dirtiest shithouses I had ever had the misfortune to use. He grunted at me manfully as those blokes tend to do, and headed out to do his business.

To my surprise, he appeared rather nonchalant on his return. I asked him his opinion on the facilities and he sneered at me and said Ive seen much worse in Nam.  I thought: well these guys are really tough after all but suspected he must have found an alternative convenience that I had missed.

I just had to go and look but could find no other doors that I had missed. I peeked in where I had been for evidence and nearly gagged at what this idiot had done. He had completely missed discovering the plywood courtesy cover, but there was a picaninnys arm bobbing around in the klong jar wreathed in toothbrushes.

No wonder they pick those guys for missions where return is unlikely.

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## somtamslap

^ A set up like that would defienitely result in a bush-squat.

Nice story, Mr. Guava..

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## withnallstoke

> but there was a picaninny’s arm bobbing around in the klong jar


That wasn't a log.
It was an actual arm.
It belonged to a member of our church.
Brother sin by name. So we did a song about the event.



Brother Sins arm.

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## nigelandjan

> Part of the plan was immediately apparent: take a dump, put the plywood back down and then jump up and down on it to force it through the system.


            Our works canteen is based on a very similar system  :Smile:

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## astasinim

All I could think of, whilst reading the op, was what would happen if the shitter broke?

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## alwarner

^man up and walk it off.

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## astasinim

Get some air to it. It`ll scab over in an hour or two.

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## alwarner

ha ha a bit of cold water and a sponge - right as rain

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## Carrabow

> All I could think of, whilst reading the op, was what would happen if the shitter broke?


Last night I posted a picture of a turd in a toilet bowl and DD deletes it because it is so called thrashing the thread. But you can post this and it is OK.

Hmmm? 

I have nothing against the Pic dont get me wrong, I just am starting to see how some of the political BS works on this forum. I guess I have not stroked his ego enough. Oh wait a minute, he does that enough himself.

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## Carrabow

> ha ha a bit of cold water and a sponge - right as rain


 
Takes a lot of tissue to wipe that butt crack  :Smile:

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## astasinim

> Last night I posted a picture of a turd in a toilet bowl and DD deletes it because it is so called thrashing the thread. But you can post this and it is OK.


Didnt you get the memo? No Scat, and no Cock pics, anything else, pretty much goes.  :ourrules:

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## alwarner

it's going to take more than a couple of stitches before he can wipe his arse again.

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## Carrabow

> Originally Posted by Carrabow
> 
> 
>  
> 
> Last night I posted a picture of a turd in a toilet bowl and DD deletes it because it is so called thrashing the thread. But you can post this and it is OK.
> 
> 
> 
> Didnt you get the memo? No Scat, and no Cock pics, anything else, pretty much goes.


A turd in a toilet bowl eh? I guess I stand corrected.  (whatever)

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## astasinim

Count yourself lucky mate. I recall one poster got jailed for posting pictures of poo on the board. Granted, it was in almost every thread, but, you get the picture.

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## Carrabow

> Count yourself lucky mate. I recall one poster got jailed for posting pictures of poo on the board. Granted, it was in almost every thread, but, you get the picture.


Well thats sh*tty, I wonder if a pic of Winny the Poo would do it too  :Smile:

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## sabaii sabaii

> A turd in a toilet bowl


Was it in a kitchen or food thread

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## sabaii sabaii

> Or a sock. Did that not so long ago when caught short, after I'd run around with my keks round my ankles, as I'd initially squatted over a red ant nest. Think I already posted about that somewhere on TD actually

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## Carrabow

> Originally Posted by Carrabow
> 
> A turd in a toilet bowl
> 
> 
> Was it in a kitchen or food thread


On this thread, thats why I am scratching my noggin. What gives?

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## LooseBowels

> Originally Posted by LooseBowels
> 
> I've been shittin some real beauties lately, 18" coils.
> 
> 
> Are you using the wife,s tape measure Bowels ?


 
Almost right there nj, but its actually my boyfriend Basher who claims the credit for them, reckons only for him packin em back up there, they'd be lucky to reach 3"  :Smile:

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## somtamslap

Looks like somebody go spanked with a samarai sword. Isn't that taking S&M a touch to far..

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## Cujo

> I guess I have not stroked his ego enough.


There's your mistake right there, it's not his EGO you have to stroke.

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## Shy Guava

> ^ A set up like that would defienitely result in a bush-squat.
> 
> Nice story, Mr. Guava..


An interesting footnote to the story is the bloke whose two kids were circumcised, had their foreskins wrapped in gold leaf and set in those amulets for holding Buddha images, which he wore on a chain around his neck.

We have probably all been bored by farang pillocks whose wife gives them Buddha images to wear and they love to pull them out and give you a complete rundown on the image involved, the monk who gave it to them, the history of the wat etc etc. 

This guy had the ultimate put down when he could pull out his foreskins for comparison.

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## Carrabow

> Originally Posted by Carrabow
> 
> 
> I guess I have not stroked his ego enough.
> 
> 
> There's your mistake right there, it's not his EGO you have to stroke.


Can you elaborate, please?

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## Rural Surin

> Originally Posted by Carrabow
> 
> 
>  
> 
> Last night I posted a picture of a turd in a toilet bowl and DD deletes it because it is so called thrashing the thread. But you can post this and it is OK.
> 
> 
> 
> Didnt you get the memo? No Scat, and no Cock pics, anything else, pretty much goes.


The exclusions include pinky parts, as well.... :Wink:

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## astasinim

Dont you have access to that part of the forum?

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## Carrabow

> Dont you have access to that part of the forum?


What part?

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## Rural Surin

> Originally Posted by astasinim
> 
> 
> Dont you have access to that part of the forum?
> 
> 
> What part?


The section you can't access as of yet.
10,000 posts minimum :Smile:

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## Carrabow

> Originally Posted by Carrabow
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
>  Originally Posted by astasinim
> ...


When will they mail me my decoder ring, I am still waiting for that  :Smile:

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## astasinim

> Originally Posted by astasinim
> 
> 
> Dont you have access to that part of the forum?
> 
> 
> What part?



The part where you access the real Thailand. You mean you havent been granted it yet? Dont listen to RS, all you need do is PM the admin, and all will be revealed. Pattaya secrets aint got shit on our level 2. See you there.

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## Carrabow

> Originally Posted by Carrabow
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
>  Originally Posted by astasinim
> ...


Thanks but no thanks, I am not good with set ups. 

Cheers

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