#  >  > Living And Legal Affairs In Thailand >  >  > Farming & Gardening In Thailand >  >  Down on the Farm

## somtamslap

I get up when I want, except on Tuesdees, when I'm roooodley awoken by the bullock....FARMLIFE.

Or for want of more appropriate wording..




Being a relative noobie to farm-life, I still find myself in the midst of the honeymoon stage, which means to say I have yet to be sufficiently moved to find myself outside in my boxer shorts in the middle of the night, decapitating a rooster with my bare hands whilst cackling insanely at the moon.  Of course, the thought has crossed my mind on more than one occasion and the desire to buy a powerful air-rifle is becoming quite an obsession. I picture myself as Jude Law in Enemy at the Gate, calmly and systematically picking off the poultry, then steaming round to their owners place, smashing the granny out of him with the butt, giving his wife a sound rodgering, then strolling back to the farmhouse, leaving a beaten chap, a very satisfied wench and a sea of dead poultry in my wake.  That's what is known as the 'Issan Dream"..everyone's gotta have one.

So, the day starts off thus..midnight, give or take a couple of minutes(we like to start really fucking early here), the roosters start with their fuckadoodle doing, which in turn wakes the bull who starts mooing because 15,000 tons of grass just didn't quite fill that hole..the mooing then sets of the dogs..lovely little midnight chorus we have here..not forgetting the frogs if its been raining and those fuckers are deafening..we've got one out here that sounds like a machine gun, first time I heard it I thought the house was under attack. With the dogs howling, my daughter is now awake, playing with her toys and showing no signs of fatigue..splendid..just SPLENDID.

Have a look out the bedroom window, anytime after about 6.30pm you'll find a small army of poultry in here..a hand grenade would do the job...



And out the side window..at any given time you'll see one of the fuckers..



No beer in the fridge..bollocks..and every lau kau retail outlet operator passed out around sunset, ready for another busy day..lots of sleeping to be done, better get some sleep in so they can get some more sleep later..... so no chance of a beer or a nip of something to help me sleep through the racket...

OOOps..what's that I hear? What divine sound dares join in the chorus...Ahhh, Granny has opened the door and started squawking gibberish at me (she's been living around the chickens too long because she actually sound like them)...I have woken her up because I raised my voice ever so slightly when I told the dogs to shut it..
Err, granny, dear..go back to sleep and make it a really long one, please.

2am, daughter has just about worn herself out after a gallant effort to consume the television set..the momentary respite in farmyard noises allows me to slip into a restless slumber, dreaming about punching cows, kicking chickens and headbutting grannies..

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## good2bhappy

those halcyon days

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## somtamslap

6am and the poultry starts up again, in full chorus this time, why do thy do this is the question that begs to be asked? Answer: They are retarded lunatics.
What would possess any living thing to, upon waking up, start screaming and shouting all over the place. I don't do it (well, not all the time anyway), why should they..what fucking right do they have.

That's as good an alarm call as any..so time to get some jobs done, dog walking, vegetable watering, wood staining, all the usual bollocks. 
A recent land dispute which worked out quite nicely in our favour, entitled us to this nice row of 50 dragon fruit trees..



My dogs enjoying eating the fertilizer



We gained a bit more land out of it so I'm gonna stick in another 30 over the next week..great little earners come July/August.
To make sure there are no more disputes and angry farmers brandishing sickles etc..I went down to the land in the evening  tooled up..



These posts should keep the riff-raff from the land..



Sun going down over the farm..back to the fun and games..

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## Davis Knowlton

Tried to green ya, but it says I've loved u 2 much already. Great stories!

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## somtamslap

^ Cheers squire..I'll add more as I go..

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## withnallstoke

"Somtamslap the vampire chicken slayer begins another hard days work".

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## highlander

these posts should keep the riff raff out,

unless its an optical illusion looks like the would only keep out vertically challenged people :mid: 

great posts  keep them coming .

scotty

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## somtamslap

> "Somtamslap the vampire chicken slayer begins another hard days work"


 Bloody good plan..I could bat them into the next village with the tools.

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## Norton

Ah yes, the joy of peace and tranquility living the life of a gentleman farmer.

Somtamslap bought a new bull
 Tied it in the shed
 A  little mouse squeaked at it
 And the bull saw red!
 The  bull bucked and roared
 And frightened the dainty little chooks.
  They fled down the road
 And so collided the motosi's.
 The  dogs barked and buffalo brayed
 The granny cackled and rooster crowed.
 The noise disturbed the Lao Khao man
So he fell asleep in front of his fan
Somtamslap endured it all in spite of sobriety
 And screamed  for deliverance from his life of insanity
The bull heard his plea
And charged him with glee
Oh what a terrible day it was
 On Somtamslap the gentleman's farm!

(slightly plagiarized) :Smile:

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## withnallstoke

Nice one Norton.  :rofl:

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## somtamslap

^ Twas good.. :Smile:  and very bloody true.. :Confused:

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## UpTooYou

These posts should keep the riff-raff from the land..




Is that an Easter egg left of the post,  you big softy doing a Easter egg hunt for TD.

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## somtamslap

> Is that an Easter egg left of the post


 No, that's my scooping out tool..half a coconut husk..only use the best quality shit round here..

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## UpTooYou

> Originally Posted by UpTooYou
> 
> Is that an Easter egg left of the post
> 
> 
>  No, that's my scooping out tool..half a coconut husk..only use the best quality shit round here..


You could have wrapped it in shinny stuff!

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## Bung

Thanks for reminding me of what a bunch of crap living in the Thai country side can be.....Happily enjoying the city life in Chiang Mai at the moment, don't miss the farm one bit. 

Dust, bugs, chickens, dogs, snakes, rats, family members, boredom? No thanks!

Neighbours chickens? Be careful not to hurt them, they have a right to go where they please you know!

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## somtamslap

> rats,


 Jungle rats are quite cute little blighters..seeing them scurrying up to the house, foraging through the bins warms the very cockles of your heart, because, although they are conniving little chaps they are also very dense. There homes consist of an entrance and no more than two feet away, an exit..



Which means with a bit of help from a stick in the entrance and a dog's mouth at the exit, they can be shifted quite easily..





> boredom


 Rarely get bored...too much to do at the moment..

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## withnallstoke

> Which means with a bit of help from a stick in the entrance and a dog's mouth at the exit, they can be shifted quite easily..


Swap them 'round. Get the dog to scare the rat straight onto your barbeque stick.

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## somtamslap

^ It's an option..but rat seems to be flavour of the month with the doggie right now..Pedigree chum is for posh fuckers anyway..You'll have rat and your'll fucking enjoy it...OK

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## patsycat

One of your tools looks like a golf club circa 1860.

Has the bullock gone to the temple yet?

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## somtamslap

> Has the bullock gone to the temple yet?


 Unfortunately, no it hasn't..
On the way back from the land today, I caught a glimpse of the black and white beast..
Not sure you can see it in this pic, but it's there..mooing at me from that fucking distance would you believe..
The farm house is right at the top in the middle of the pic..



Bit nearer, yomping through the red dirt..no shower can remove it..

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## somtamslap

Up at the break of dawn with the damn poultry again, although I'm getting used to it, and at this time of the year the only time to enjoy the day is before 8am and after 6pm, cos it's just too fucking hot in between..so, 6.30 am is officially rise and shine time now, quick cup of tea and out with the dogs for an hour or so measuring out where the new dragon fruit trees are gonna go..it was all going rather well until the little bastard dog started taking an interest in the tape measure and wouldn't let me measure in peace..so we all got a bit pissed off with each other and fucked off back home..in silence..

Dripping with sweat, I arrived home and dunked my head in one of those big water jar things..instant relief....I would take my t-shirt off but granny takes offence..while I was doing some concreting the other day..tough work in this climate cos you've gotta go at it hammer and tongs before the gear dries out...my t-shirt had turned into a sodden garment which was very uncomfortable to wear, so off it came..ol granny sitting outside, preparing her next vat of betlenut  started squawking like a raving lunatic for me to put it back on..it is not the done thing, apparently to work without a upper garment!?..you fucking what, love..we're on a farm in the middle of bastard no where, and I'm not the one who pisses in the flower bed with me tits hanging out..

So, I did a bit of path gravelling..fully clothed..granny watching me like a hawk..one day I'm gonna drop me cacks and stick my arse in her face..
So, lots of nice wildlife to be observed during working hours..
This lovely little female chameleon thing was very tame and allowed me to get within inches of her..



She sat there, barely flinching as I went about my work..until this chap came along, chased her along the wall and filled his boots..



Early evening and great uncle whatshisface makes an appearance on the farm with his prize winning cock..I'd watched him nab it out of one of the trees a month or so ago..he promptly jumped on his bike with it and took it into town for a spot of money making action..no idea how he knew how this particular one would be a good fighter, but apparently it kicked arse up in town....so, uncle comes back with it, dumps it and fucks off..leaving the now desensitised rooster to reek havoc amongst all the other poultry..picking on every fucker that crossed his path..total psycho..

Here, have a look..he's the blacker of the pair..




And yes..that is the bull giving it large [at] 6 seconds.. :Smile:

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## withnallstoke

> pisses in the flower bed with me tits hanging out..


Photo?

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## somtamslap

^ An easily obtainable shot..but viewers should seek immediate counselling should they wish to be able to function normally in public again..it's quite quite horrendous.

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## withnallstoke

> ^ An easily obtainable shot..but viewers should seek immediate counselling should they wish to be able to function normally in public again..it's quite quite horrendous.


Can you time it just as she gobs out a great big purple splat?

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## somtamslap

^ Red actually..but of course, that goes without saying, and I wouldn't even have to time it..she's a bit nifty with the catapult too..so I'll go for an action shot.

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## SiamRick

I was guffawing with you till the granny  scene. That's. Just. Not. Right! _. . .  shudder . . .
_

Anyway, thanks for the entertainment, somtam. I'll be sure to give farming a pass,    thanks to your introductory lesson  :Smile: 

 ::chitown::

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## Nawty

You got nothing to complain about.

Put a pond next to your bedroom and then wait for the rainy season to start......which it did this last weekend..

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## somtamslap

> Put a pond next to your bedroom and then wait for the rainy season to start......which it did this last weekend.


 ribbit....ribbit..ribbit.ribbitribbitribbit etc..thing is, you get hold of one of them who's barking out enough decibels to set of a car alarm and he's the size of a 10 baht piece..very unsatisfying, until you hurl the blighter into the next province..shouting at them to shut the fuck up also works..for about 30 seconds..

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## Thaiguy

> Nice one Norton.


*Nearly pee'd myself - so close to home!*

 :smiley laughing:  :smiley laughing:

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## Thaiguy

> You got nothing to complain about.
> 
> Put a pond next to your bedroom and then wait for the rainy season to start......which it did this last weekend..


*Not too loud in our village now - all caught in the rice minced and eaten - uuurrggth!*

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## smeden

nice pics      ::chitown::  :Smile:  :Smile:  :Smile:  :Smile:  :Smile:  :Smile:

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## drbillphd

ha ha ha  ... ohhh the life of a gentleman farmer...

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## Mr R Sole

> Have a look out the bedroom window, anytime after about 6.30pm you'll find a small army of poultry in here..a hand grenade would do the job...


Nip down to Bangers matey..you ain't that far away, they have loads there...those red shirted scoundrels are fully armed to the teeth..obviously got them in BIG C... :mid:  along with the CS Gas I saw them brandishing today..Gas the chooks and the granny in one...




> I have woken her up because I raised my voice ever so slightly when I told the dogs to shut it.. Err, granny, dear..go back to sleep and make it a really long one, please.


You see Thai's can sleep through a nuclear bomb or even tsunami...but should a dirty orrible farang raise his voice...well low betide you young man. The wrath of the moaning old [at][at][at][at] be upon you...


Careful mate these feckers are quick to get their guns out as well you know...she may well be packing!!!!!




> A recent land dispute which worked out quite nicely in our favour, entitled us to this nice row of 50 dragon fruit trees..


Feck me watch your back on that little score mate....you know this lot they are never happy about losing anything even their hair...


Looks like he's smiling doesn't it.....well your wrong....just wait till he's had another bottle of Lao Khao and your toast...




> To make sure there are no more disputes and angry farmers brandishing sickles etc..I went down to the land in the evening tooled up..


That's the spirit, get the buggers before the get you first....

Pre-emptive strike..Shock and Awe....




> These posts should keep the riff-raff from the land..


Ah, not quite what I was thinking...I take it you told the locals that the ghosts had put them in, and that the land was full of them. You were told this by a Monk friend of yours.




> Dust, bugs, chickens, dogs, snakes, rats, family members, boredom? No thanks! Neighbours chickens? Be careful not to hurt them, they have a right to go where they please you know!


Chickens, dust and family members I totally agree with you there....the rest are IMHO are quite ameable

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## somtamslap

> Feck me watch your back on that little score mate....you know this lot they are never happy about losing anything even their hair...


 Eh, nay fooking bother there, chap..at the end of the day, I'm the one with a pitch fork in me hand and they can have it up their arses any time they fooking well want it..

It was scorchio mak fackin mak around here today..someone is surely having a laugh with this weather but it's not funny..not funny at all..so, I decided that, although I  nearly passed out with sunstroke yesterday, that it wasn't gonna deter me from doing something..so I watched a movie and it was utter shite (Deuce Bigalow in Europe or somet like that), so I turned it off and put me wellies on..off out into the garden for a bit of creativity..adding some aesthetics to it.. 

A few plants to spruce up the old abode..nothing like a bit of hole digging in 40 degree heat..good for the soul, but makes the brain slightly retarded..
The last of the plants about to go in..the boy wanted to 'tam ngan douay'..but I don't call asking if the plant should be watered yet, 'working'..on each of the three trees.."is it ready for watering yet?"..."Hold on now, I haven't even started digging the fucking hole..



So in she pops and gets a thorough watering from the lad (my aunties, second cousin's, dog's grannies, half brother, twice removed)..don't look that pretty at the moment, but given time they should look rather jolly nice..



So after an hours worth of watering on each tree..the rumbles of thunder started, and the clouds with it brought along 7 billion cubic tons of rainfall to my garden..refreshing, but irritating..a) because the boy has cost me about 1000bt in water usage and b) because I will now have to tip toe around the farm to avoid getting covered with the red soil around here...it's relentless in its pursuit to make everything really dirty...one pace = leg covered ...two paces = 2 leg's covered..3 paces = a bright red Yeti...gotta love walking into your new home with the lovely new beige tiles with that shite all over you..some what disheartening too when you have to scrub the bathroom for half a day to get the mud from the tiles..but hey ho...EH!

Example of said soil..



And on closer inspection we come across this millipede which looks like its been cast upon us from the Jurassic era..check out the yellow sting on it's arse end..looks like it could be a wee bit painful..

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## withnallstoke

> check out the yellow sting on it's arse end..looks like it could be a wee bit painful


Should have forked the bastard. They come and get you in the bollocks when you're asleep, and lay eggs in your arsehole.

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## somtamslap

> They come and get you in the bollocks when you're asleep, and lay eggs in your arsehole.


 You're are actually incorrect about that..they in fact get you in the arsehole and lay eggs in your bollocks..bloody philistine..

Been ever so busy down here on the farm of late...a few nights ago I decided to go out (for the first time in 4 fucking months)...anyone who's had a pregnant mrs spitting poison at them will know why I chose this move..it was either go out or murder everything in sight..including the fucking crops..
So out I popped where I found myself drinking and obscene amounts of ale and thoroughly enjoying myself, whilst the dragon sat back at home causing all sorts of smoke damage with the fire she was bellowing...bless her really..sort of anyway..
The following morning I felt very shite indeed and the first thought that entered my mind was to nip across to the Lau Kau merchant, take a swift shot or two, then buy a bagful of Chang to take home. Good thought..but it's been done before and the consequences are rather fucking unpleasant..just prolonging the agony, for days and days..
So, bollocks...I got out of bed, practically in tears from the pain and took the dog out, tres painful, the sweat was running down my face like blobs of alcoholic molasses..
After that, a few jobs needed doing..watering plants etc..(did that by leaning over the vegetation and letting the sweat give them a thorough drenching)..
We have a bit of land at the front of our abode (about a quarter rai or so) which isn't actually ours, but the governments..but they seem to turn a blind eye on the people with adjoining houses using it..as long as your not gonna build a house on it or anything too permanent, so I decided this day was as good as any to pop in some more dragon fruit trees..not easy because you have to dig down 3/4 of a metre for the posts which will keep the trees upright..

I took one of these out with me..full of water with a couple of bags of ice thrown in..this would hopefully keep me alive throughout the day..cos the sun was fucking beating down like a bastard..



It hurt..it hurt alot..but at the end of the day, it was the better of the two options..work or get pissed..anyway..the fruit of my labour..stuck some banana trees at the end of the plot too..cos I'm like, well bloody hard..



Also put another tree in the garden...the whole experience hurt..



Having my own personal Songkran festival down here..it involves me and my sweat...I'll see your bucket of water and raise you 50 gallons of perspiration..

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## somtamslap

The bullock necking 15 litres of water in less than a minute, whilst the mrs and I discuss the chickens sleeping in our tree and some of the chicks dying 'problem'..it's all rather moving..

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## somtamslap

The ol bullock was tethered across the other side of the road yesterday...everyone was out enjoying songkran but my good self(and granny, who never leaves her seat, ever) and come early evening the bull starts mooing a very angry moo. Since I've washed my hands of this unfriendly fuck, I did nothing..it was either hungry or thirsty or wanted to empty its ever expanding set of testicles, but I couldn't be bothered to tend to any of it's needs, especially the latter, and let it continue with it's irritating, monotonous groaning.
But bugger me if the thing didn't snap the rope and start galloping..yes, fucking galloping towards the garden, with me in it..I legged it, bowels loosened to almost the point of no return onto the balcony of my house and hoped it wouldn't follow me, which thankfully it didn't...but it headed straight in the direction of granny's gaff, who was busy knocking up another fix of the ol betelnut with her extra large bolt..I heard granny's squawkings and sheepishly peered round the corner from the balcony..the bull is going mental looking for water.  Obviously, granny is bellowing at me to sort the situation out as she's on the verge of being relieved of her stash of shit and the possibilty of getting a large portion up the gary..so stealth was required..nimbly jumping off the side of the balcony that the cunting bull wasn't near, I grabbed hold of the nearest water container I could find and legged it round to the nearest tap, where I waited in haste as the thing filled up..hoping the bastard wouldn't spot me..but alas, he heard me...and charged, no, really..CHARGED towards the tap..bucket only containing enough water to merit a mere apperitif  in this things eyes..so I left the tap on and fucked off, sharpish..got straight on the blower to the mrs, who was at the temple doing all the nice Buddhist shit and asked her, very nicely, to "GET THIS FUCKING BULL OUT OF MY LIFE"..she agreed, probably cos granny was squawking her approval in the background..
However..it's still here, but "arrangements are being made"..

Back to the work and since all the posts are in for the dragon fruit, it's time to put the actual trees in.
We started by procuring some cuttings from the neighbour..free..quite unbelievable..



These are the Vietnamese variety..slightly sweeter and sell much better than the Thai or Australian ones..

Next we load up a wheelbarrow full of bull shit..quite literally..the wanker might have his faults but I'm a big fan of his cack...



Now the posts need to be prepared, one large outer circle in the soil and a smaller inner one for maximum irrigation purposes, also weeds the area around the tree nicely..



Three cuttings for each post should be used for the best results..trowel down a good six inches, add some cow shit then pop them in..



Tie the cuttings to the post with string, then put a welded cross piece of metal followed by one or preferably two old motorbike tyres on the top of the post..this helps take the weight of the tree after a year or so's growth..they get pretty bulky..



The tyres and metal should be fastened to the post with some of that thin bendy metal stuff..

Also remember..despite their appearance, toads the size of your fist do not attack you..but they really look like they wanna..



Chok dee from me, Happy Songkran..

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## jaywalker

Fuckin' hilarious shit Bro! LOL.

Those frogs are pretty fearsome-looking. I walked by a giant plate of them for sale in the fish section at the local Makro the other day and damned near shit myself.

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## chassamui

I'm goin to sell me telly and just tune in to the STS version of the Archers every day.
Much more entertaining and much more satisfying.
I look forward with eager anticipation to the next episode, and the shaping of all those lovely characters you've introduced us to.

You are one funny fokker. Thanks for sharing and brightening up my day.

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## pompeybloke

Extremely witty stuff slap. Cheered me up reading that-ta!

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## somtamslap

Cheers chaps..there's somet quite cleansing about venting spleen..




> the STS version of the Archers


Quite right..if I didn't have the poultry barking in my earholes, I'd probably have the dulcet tones of the theme tune stuck in my head all day..




Not now, Waraporn,love..can't you see I'm oop to me elbow in this buffalo...

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## somtamslap

Unusually late start today..1am! Woken up by what felt like someone unloading an Uzi onto one of my wisdom teeth.. indescribable agony..the remaining 3 Tylenol and one other pink coloured tablet did absolutely nothing for the pain..just made me drowsy and  increasingly wearisome of the utter horror that was taking place in my mouth..made me think back to the movie 'Cast Away' in which Tom Hanks uses the rock and ice skate blade combo to solve his problem..was severely tempted to adopt a similar technique myself..although I would've probably missed the target with a straight shot from the claw hammer I had in mind..I got through the whole series of Blackadder Goes Forth (not laughing at all..cos it just was not fucking funny at the time)..before getting all of 2 hours kip..120 minutes of pain induced nightmares was then disturbed by a fucking weirdo ringing from Blighty and deciding that 7am in the morning is the perfect time for a good ol chinwag..."Yeh yeh yeh yeh yeh yeh bye"..was all I managed.

Rain pissing down, no need to water anything this morning, so I had the opportunity to spend some time with my daughter..watching a Barbie cartoon..again and again and again...fuck it, wellies on and out to clear the patch where I'm gonna pop me cucumber and chilli plants..for self use only..not gonna deal this lot..

The bull has been grazing in the rain for the majority of the morning, out in one of the adjoining fields..unleashed, I might add...so he get thirsty again and comes into the garden takes a sip of water and promptly starts trying to shag a tree..literally mounts the fucking thing with a full on hardon.."Errr, Sweetness?", I call to the mrs, "Your beloved wanking bull is currently in mid - fornication with a mango tree, should we not have it removed from the premises immediately?????????"..
I subsequently hear a telephone conversation which follows thus.."Maa lap wua diaw nee..(come and get the fucking bull right now)...

So without further ado, the Slap Farm is at the end of a very interesting era..
Literally 20 minutes after the call took place, 3 chaps and a pick up arrive..they looked the part I must say..the first guy to get out of the motor was brandishing a fucking lasso for god's sake..at this point I started to feel a little bit guilty..

Here's the chap successfully hooking the bull..took him two efforts...



He was then EXTREMELY strict with the bull..shouting at him that he was the boss and shaking his fists at the poor fucking thing..



Didn't work that well cos the bull put up a massive struggle whilst they were trying to load him onto the truck..



Finally getting somewhere..



And the big push..





Farewell, you horrible bastard...its been an experience..as they say...



Must admit, I felt very sad for a few seconds there..what on earth am I gonna do without his shit?!

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## astasinim

> Extremely witty stuff slap. Cheered me up reading that-ta!


One of the best threads on the go, at the moment.

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## patsycat

Do you know where he's going?

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## astasinim

Just a guess.  :Smile:

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## somtamslap

^ ^Yes, I do..he's going to a farm where he will be doing exactly the same stuff as he did here, but under the control and guidance of people who know what they are doing. 
In all honesty it was a thoroughly emotional affair, as my mrs assumes he'll be accompanying someone's chips tonight and was very tearful about it...me asking for my steak well done tonight didn't help either..

 He'll be good for the next few years and most importantly not a danger to my family or anyone around us..because it was rapidly looking such a way..very emotional day..but it needed doing.

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## somtamslap

> Just a guess.


 Gotta fatten the fucker up a bit more before getting cuts like that off him..

Like I've mentioned somewhere else..I'm not oppose to getting a few cows, but that bull had 'murder' written all over his chevy chase..

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## astasinim

Would it have made a difference if his nuts had been chopped off? Or was the intention to use him for breeding?

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## chassamui

You will just have to buy or steal your fertiliser from now on mate. A sad passing. Will STS Archers be the same without him?
How do you replace a character as big and bountiful as that one?

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## withnallstoke

> Will STS Archers be the same without him? How do you replace a character as big and bountiful as that one?


With the special breed of madness that is somtamslaps topsy-turvey meanderings on this earth, anything is possible. Shine on.

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## somtamslap

He was superb material, no doubt about that..



> topsy-turvey meanderings


..Bollocks.. everything done is a set of well orchestrated movements..



> Would it have made a difference if his nuts had been chopped off?


 I made it very clear that if they'd been chopped off then he could stay...I guess some people are just deaf.

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## withnallstoke

> ..Bollocks.. everything done is a set of well orchestrated movements..


Indeed...with the conductor being a very drunken octopus suffering from Parkinsons disease.  :Smile:

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## somtamslap

...and a Lau Kau and Smack addiction..just took me  90 minutes to water everything and without warning a huge black cloud covering the whole sky has burst open..sneaky fucker..looks like it's in for the day too..

The bull has definitely left a big gap down here..I'm considering getting a pair of goats to keep the grass down at the front..their shit may be able to do the fertilization job..

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## astasinim

> I'm considering getting a pair of goats to keep the grass down at the front..their shit may be able to do the fertilization job..



Good idea. They`ll eat anything.

Also you could do a nice line in Milk, feta cheese, and goat curry, to name a few.

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## somtamslap

> Also you could do a nice line in Milk, feta cheese, and goat curry, to name a few.


Yes, I can see goats being a part of this place in the near future..hadn't thought about their other attributes..but I'm like that..slightly retarded..personally I blame the sun I've been working in..

As I say, I've been working..working like a Japanese prisoner of war..but a happy one.. (plagiarism, but Partridge always deserves a quote)..I work like this, in this torrential humidity, for two reasons..a) because I fucking well want to..and b) because it makes beer taste better..
I am yet to find a better feeling, to this very day, than the taste of a cold bottle of beer after slogging yer guts out for the day..quick shower, no need to be thorough, waste of fucking soap..save the suds you were gonna use today and use them tomorrow instead..thrift is the name of the game on the farm..plonk yourself down on the easy chair, pop the cap of with a lighter (thrift)..(it also makes a very satisfying 'POP'..unlike when you use a bottle opener, in which case you get a very boring 'phmmpt')...then neck the nectar, a big bottle easily doable in one..or is that just me being ridiculously masculine..probably. Sit back and muster up a belch loud enough to rattle about ol granny in her wicker arm chair and the day is complete..the perfect end to a day on the farm.

But today though..fuck that...I'm not working in this. 

A day out on the bike was needed..a day in which to ponder the question, "What the fucking hell am I doing here?"..a day to escape the squawkings of grannys and the incessant cluckings of roosters.

I found myself motoring my way through the Issan countryside on the way to PB Valley in Khao Yai.. (a vineyard)..new ideas for the farm were needed..

Got there, and the set up looks quite straight forward..posts with the grape trees spaced about a metre or so apart..



The trees are climbing up three strands of tort wire. Beautiful part of the world this..once again, no justice done with my model of 'camera'..



Wait a year or two for 'Old Slapper' to be on a supermarket shelf near you..

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## Bangyai

Another great thread ST. But what happened to the farmhouse ? There are millions ( well , quite a few ) of TD members wanting to see the finished project.

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## somtamslap

> But what happened to the farmhouse ?


 Cheers Bangers, we moved in about a fortnight ago, actually before the place had windows, which was an arse when it rained I can tell you..

I'll update the thread on the morrow..

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## astasinim

What would the set up costs and running costs of owning a vineyard?

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## chassamui

You really have to know your onions if you want to grow grapes.

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## astasinim

Wouldnt it be better to know about grapes?

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## somtamslap

It might be worth testing them out on a rai..don't think it would be that expensive, but the big area of land out the back where I would give the project a shot, currently has no water..and since we're way up in the mountains it costs a fortune to dig down for it..so it's something to think about for the future.

In the mean time, we will continue with the crops that require very little water, but of course, the more the better..always happy when it rains...the dragon fruit and custard apples..
Happy to see custard apples starting to appear when I took a walk through the land at the back, earlier..should be ready for harvesting in the next 6 weeks



Trees are getting pretty big now..a good 10 foot..



The lychee I put in a year or so ago has also weathered the weather..

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## chassamui

> The lychee I put in a year or so ago has also weathered the weather..


whether the weather be cold 
whether the weather be hot
we must weather the weather
whatever the weather  
whether we like it or not

Spike Milligan

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## somtamslap

> whether the weather be cold


 chance is a fine thing..





> whether the weather be hot


 yes, incessantly so 





> we must weather the weather


..oh, we do..





> whatever the weather


..it's hotter than satan's right armpit and always will be..





> whether we like it or not


 tell me about it..





> Spike Milligan


 = genius..

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## somtamslap

I was given the honour, yes, the honour, dammit, of raking up all the dead leaves that fall from the trees in the mango plantation out the back..I say 'honour' as not any old fucker can stroll in and do the job, it's an annual event and granny allocates the pair of hands which will do the job.."RAKE UP THE FUCKING LEAVES!" she barked at me..that's honestly what it sounded like..tact isn't one of granny's finer points..in fact, I'm not sure if granny does have any fine points..
"NO NEED TO FUCKING SHOUT!" I replied and went off to fetch the tools for the job..

Before I get started, I feel like a nutritious and healthy snack, so I turn my attention to the fruit that these trees have to offer..the trees are nearly as old as granny so all the good fruit is way to high to just grab..



But it's up there, somewhere..



Right, some sort of a long stick is required..



And I'll stick this medieval device of torture on the end...



The fruit of my labour..not the sweetest, but pretty tasty..



They were falling out of the trees like bombs while I was doing the work..granny's telekinesis lessons are obviously working then..

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## chassamui

Do you have a tool shed at the new place? It could be a good hiding place if the old tart is prowling.

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## Mr R Sole

http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/b...Image007-7.jpg..
I can see a way to get granny to shut the fuck up...apart from of course hanging the old cnut from one of those trees....

What's that hanging from the neighbours tree???? Looks like moaning old cnuts to me.... :Smile:

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## somtamslap

Actually, old granny took a bit of a topple yesterday. I was out the back teaching a group of wannabee footballers how to sweve a football into the top right corner of the goal with somewhat alarming accuracy, when I heard a squawk followed by a series of cluckings. I looked over to see granny on the deck and surprised myself by legging it over and helping her to her feet..poor old granny..still managed to fit in a bollocking though.."If no one was here I'd be dead", she said..
Yes, granny, you probably would be, so do I get no thanks for saving your life?

Too hot on the farm at the moment..I'm averaging a good four t-shirts changes of a day..bring on the winter..and leaw leaw about it..

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## Nawty

> I'm averaging a good four t-shirts changes of a day


Crikey...I use the same one for at least 3 days......saves water on washing day.

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## withnallstoke

> I looked over to see granny on the deck and surprised myself by legging it over and helping her to her feet..poor old granny..


Way too soft. Should have shown the young Beckhams how to swerve a granny into the top corner.

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## sailorr13

> Originally Posted by somtamslap
> 
> 
> I'm considering getting a pair of goats to keep the grass down at the front..their shit may be able to do the fertilization job..
> 
> 
> 
> Good idea. They`ll eat anything.
> 
> Also you could do a nice line in Milk, feta cheese, and goat curry, to name a few.



Any Idea where to buy a couple of goats here in Chiang Mai?

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## palexxxx

> Originally Posted by somtamslap
> 
> pisses in the flower bed with me tits hanging out..
> 
> 
> Photo?


Sick man

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## Crepitus

*somtamslap...replying to old post but..

nice to hear from a fellow sufferer....
see you have the required farm dogs.....ours would really enjoy chicken on the claw methinks.
I have to add their incessant barking at neighboring rubber cutters 11pm till 6am , added to the Wat drums, "dead people" parties, feral chickens in the jungle, frogs. crickets ad nauseam...ah !! the quiet country life.

canine doppelganger doggy pic' next post as can't seem to attach here
*

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