#  >  > Non Asia Travel Forums >  >  > Travel the World Travellers Tales Forum >  >  Thai Airways: Slap's airbus odyssey

## somtamslap

After days of researching the aircraft online, I eventually selected Seat 41 G, situated towards the middle of the cabin. The Thai Airways Airbus a330 had only been a third booked when I bought the ticket and Seat 41 G was now occupied, denoted by an orange symbol on the seating plan, amid a barren plain of emptiness. 

I implored the flight to be as sparsely populated come the day of travel. 

Even though I had only paid for one space, I still expected, nay demanded, to be afforded the use of all four seats in my row. Manipulating the entirety of my frame into a horizontal position was imperative if I was to achieve my goal of absolute unconsciousness for the duration of the journey. Should anyone dare have the gumption to interfere with this arrangement they could expect to bear witness to the combined wrath of 10 bottles of beer Chang, a brace of Xanax, and a fierce phobia of flying. Indeed, anyone foolish enough to hamper my plans would be slept, dribbled and possible urinated on. 

Suvarnabhumi airport loomed into view. I slurred my farewells and staggered to the check-in desk. Informing the homosexual scrutinizing my passport that I was a nervous flyer, I continued to inquire into the possibility of an upgrade. No, sir, he lisped. The flight is fully booked. Although I had only known this gentleman for less than 10 seconds, he quickly became the most deplorable individual to ever walk the planet. 

Arriving at Seat 41 G on cruise control triggered by the morning's quota of alcohol and prescription medication, I noted that 41 F was occupied by a gentleman of African descent. I was about to apologise in advance for the great inconvenience he would be subjected to for the next 12 hours when my phone rang. It was my wife. Are you on the plane? She asked. Not so many moons ago I'd had a habit of foregoing the flying process in favour of staying in the pub instead. Yes, I said, and with a great amount of effort stowing my small case in the luggage cache. How are you feeling? She pressed, fully aware of my aversion of all things aviation. In fairly fine fettle, I answered - although this was probably heard as fgwefyggqgfwgfqfhggfhgfqhgfjfghjfgbigblackbloke.

The plane taxied to the runway, fired its engines, took off, and cruising altitude was reached. 

The stewardesses began to appear, I beckoned a bloody mary to comer hither. 

Something quite, quite beautiful then befell the situation. The flight attendant of bloody mary fetching fame presented me with my beverage and went on to inform that there were a pair of vacant seats by the exit, and would I like to pass out in them.

Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

Relocating, I reclined my seat to the hilt, sipped my drink, and closed my eyes.

The last words I heard before sinking into slumber came from the pilot over the address system...

"Please don't worry," he said, "we are trying to rectify the issue."

Seat 41 G...in there somewhere

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## Breny

Nice job as usual slap.  Bloody Mary/Zopiclone sleepers are my combo of choice when i fly.

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## xanax

genuine pics are always preferable

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## somtamslap

> Bloody Mary/Zopiclone sleepers are my combo of choice when i fly.


 BMs are traditional.





> genuine pics are always preferable


 Yep. Poor show. Couldn't muster the motivation to get me camera out.

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## klong toey

Our last flight with Thai from swampy,aircraft taxing towards runway.
Cabin crew final check,sir please put your seat up,can't its broken.
Few seconds later next steward sir put your seat up can't its broken,i tried on both occasions to move it to the upright position would not budge.
Steward sir put your seat up please,this time i unbuckle stand up and give it a good yank.What part of its broke and will not go to the upright position don't you understand.
Its bloody broke you put me in this seat its your bloody aircraft you fix it.
Okay sir sit down we take off now.
Thai smooth as silk.

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## xanax

smooth as shit more like

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## ACT

Nice story. 

Yin Dee Ton Rab Soo Prathet Thai.  :Smile:

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## somtamslap

> Yin Dee Ton Rab Soo Prathet Thai.


 Shan't be hearing those words for a while, unfortunately. England mode has been activated.

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## Lostandfound

My advice on traveling in economy.

1. Don't

2. If you must, argue the toss and threaten to resign if your employer is paying.

3. If above fails, board aircraft last. irrespective of your seat assignation find a row of four, or three or failing that, wherever you think looks most comfy. Eat before boarding and do not attempt to board sober.

4. Pull out the sick bag in setback in front, take two Xanax 

5. Dribble into sick bag as plane taxis, apologizing to fellow passengers and mention you have taken Imodium (cunningly disguised as xanax) for the diarrhea. This discourages the others from sitting anywhere near you.

6. As soon as the seatbelt sign goes off lie down and pass out.

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## somtamslap

^ Sounds about foolproof. 



> take two Xanax


An absolute must.

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## kingwilly

A buncha nancy boys, imagine being 'fraid of flying. But well written OP.

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## somtamslap

> imagine being 'fraid of flying


 In this day and age of planes disappearing willy nilly into the ether, it'd be foolish not to.

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## siamsaunter

I always fly economy but pay to enter the lounge at swampy. Get trashed on the free Leo, pop some pills and pass out when I am on the plane. I look horrific when I land!

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## aging one

Which lounge would that be?

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## Dillinger

> I noted that 41 F was occupied by a gentleman of African descent. I was about to apologise in advance for the great inconvenience he would be subjected to for the next 12 hours when my phone rang. It was my wife. Are you on the plane? She asked. Not so many moons ago I'd had a habit of foregoing the flying process in favour of staying in the pub instead. Yes, I said, and with a great amount of effort stowing my small case in the luggage cache. How are you feeling? She pressed, fully aware of my aversion of all things aviation. In fairly fine fettle, I answered - although this was probably heard as fgwefyggqgfwgfqfhggfhgfqhgfjfghjfgbigblackbloke.


 :smiley laughing: 







> there were a pair of vacant seats by the exit, and would I like to pass out in them.  Yes, yes, yes, and yes.  Relocating, I reclined my seat to the hilt, sipped my drink, and closed my eyes.  The last words I heard before sinking into slumber came from the pilot over the address system...  "Please don't worry," he said, "we are trying to rectify the issue."


Did they move another lard arse over the opposite wing ?

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## Bettyboo

^ cruel...

Slaps is a good lad, well built, with a very sensible fear of flying; give him some slack you fukin orrible Northern git...  :Smile: 




> Which lounge would that be?


I was in a Swampy lounge a few days ago, by gate G2 - 1000 baht for 2 hours, as much food and drink as you like - had a few Leos and some really 'orrible cheap wine (last minute gauging before boarding). I thought it was a good place.  :Smile: 

I have also used another one in the past, right the other end by Burger King, not as good, smaller, but staff were nice, had beer and sandwiches...

Whilst pissed in departures I got some Shure in ear buds, weird looking fukers, great sound, but don't overly like 'em - the dangers of getting pissed up in a departures lounge with a credit card and 3 hours to kill...

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## aging one

Never heard of those lounges. Thanks.

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## Bettyboo

The one by G2 is massive, AO - on 2 floors. At only 1000 baht it's good value, imho. They had a good selection of food, and the spirits/beers were all 'help yourself' which is nice; plenty of spirits (alas, no Baileys - another good drink to swig down in large quantities at the last minute)...

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## Dillinger

> staggered to the check-in desk. Informing the homosexual scrutinizing my passport that I was a nervous flyer


I thought Betty was in Korea  :Confused:

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## charleyboy

> (alas, no Baileys - another good drink to swig down in large quantities at the last minute)...


Nancy boy!

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## withnallstoke

I rang the fatman whilst he was waiting in the queue to check in.

I gave him my best rendition of "who's that lying on the runway".

He gave me his blessing that a tsunami land upon my northern head.

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## somtamslap

> The one by G2 is massive


 I left from Gate C4. C4! The powers that be were shatting me up to the last.

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## klong toey

> I rang the fatman whilst he was waiting in the queue to check in.
> 
> I gave him my best rendition of "who's that lying on the runway".
> 
> He gave me his blessing that a tsunami land upon my northern head.


Its comforting knowing you can rely on close friends for moral support during stressful  times. :Smile:

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## withnallstoke

> Its comforting knowing you can rely on close friends for moral support during stressful times


I like to think it helped.  :Smile:

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## Rigger

Only fly business for many years now, don't want to mix with the lower class teaching scum down the back. Plus the skin impaired people don't smell as much up the front.

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## Smug Farang Bore

Business for the last ten years but had to scale down on the last flight to EVA elite class which is in between.

Once you've started on the business thing, its a feker to get out of the habit.

If you fly three of four times a year and do the FFP thing, it actually doesn't work out much more.

Especially if you can drink your own body weight in champagne and have a merc take your drunken carcass home instead of the bus.

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## baldrick

> Once you've started on the business thing, its a feker to get out of the habit.


yes - business class with the company picking up the tab

the only gripe I have at the moment is the carrier I use mainly has a shagged freq flyer points - not affiliated with anyone

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## Ascotkiwi

Last time I flew with Thai Airways from AKL the hostie came along with the meal trolley and asked " would you like chicken or beef?"
I said " chicken please"
She said "no hab chicken"

Which was better than my last British Airways flight - 
the hostie said " would you like a meal sir?"
I said "what choices do I have?"
She said "yes or no"

I take my own food now.

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## aging one

> She said "no hab chicken"


No she did not, and no she did not.  You are simply making shit up.

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## DJ Pat

Still waiting for Slap's trip aboard Ryanair or Easyjet

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