#  >  > Living And Legal Affairs In Thailand >  >  > Farming & Gardening In Thailand >  >  > Thailands Zoos and Animals >  >  An Isaan fable of unalloyed feline loathing: AKA Pad Krapow Meow

## somtamslap

My wife, she loves our cats. Absolutely adores them. They are provided with two thoughtfully prepared meals daily and are never left wanting for strokes, cuddles, or indeed, light conversation. 

It’s really rather a shame, then, that I, totally, with every last morsel of my being, despise the abhorrent bundles of misery. Given the choice I’d rather keep a pair of sexually-active baboons, in my underpants. 

As you might imagine, this difference of opinion has resulted in much friction. While my better half will invariably greet their early morning screeches for sustenance with a pat on the head, a peppy verbal exchange and a generous serving of rice infused with slow-poached mackerel, I, on the other hand, will offer them a colourful volley of language followed by playful punt towards the distant horizon. And so begins the bickering…

A quick disclaimer: cats do not always land on their feet. They sometimes land on their heads, which is a pleasing conclusion after a tremendous boot to the bollocks has been administered.

I didn’t arrive at this cat-detesting juncture without just cause, mind you. It took me a good few years to fine-tune my hatred, but I got there in the end.
Perhaps the turning point, the most significant factor which converted plain old disapproval into an unalloyed, seething hatred for these creatures, was a series of events that transpired one Sunday evening. 

I was sitting on the balcony enjoying the sunset with an ice-cold bottle of local beer and a book. The house was currently a shrine to the much revered Sunday roast. Baking trays clattered, saucepan lids opened to reveal a bubbling assemblage of seasonal vegetables, used utensils dropped with a splash into the washing-up bowl, and a meticulously manufactured pepper sauce traced a path from the kitchen and out on to the balcony, gloriously scenting the air. 
My excitement for this pending feast began to pique, and I licked my lips in anticipation. A full Sunday roast dinner awaited my undivided attention. A cut of the finest beef, a stack of impeccably executed roast potatoes, an assortment of leafy greens, peas and carrots, an intricately grafted gravy, and the pièce de resistance, my wife’s take on Yorkshire puddings, which although would probably deeply offend Auntie Bessie, still brought that element of je ne sais pas to the table. 

And so it came to pass that ‘Dinnertime’, the best compound noun in the history of linguistics, was called. 

Fantastic news! The arrival of my food had coincided with the last page of the chapter I’d been reading.
“Give me one-hot-minute.” I said to my wife. “Pop it on the table. I shall be in forthwith.”

After speed-reading the final few paragraphs of the chapter, I closed my book, took a large gulp of lager, and hurried into the dining room ready to attack my roast dinner. 

But it quickly became apparent that I wouldn’t be attacking my roast dinner today. No, I would instead be attacking the fucking cat who was standing in it! Using the roast potatoes and the Yorkshire pudding as a vantage point, the heinous moggie was gnawing vehemently at the cut of premium roast beef, its front legs knee-deep in gravy.

An almost tangible aura of hate filled the room. The ceiling rained hellfire. The walls blazed an angry red. I was on the brink of either a massive stroke or mass-murder. 
Fortunately, although it was touch and go for a good few seconds, the former didn’t occur, leaving the latter my only choice of path. 

With an animalistic roar I embarked on a feline genocide campaign. Proceedings commenced with the violent removal of the roast dinner perpetrator. Grabbed by the throat and escorted to the balcony, it was launched, pursuing a path with flailing limbs, over the garden wall – I’m sure it was still chewing mid-flight. In my honest opinion, it was lucky. If I wasn’t such an affable chap, I could have quite easily lopped its head off with an axe. 

I then went into my bedroom and liberated a shotgun which I’d acquired for such eventualities. Granted, it only cost 50 pence and shoots plastic pellets, but is capable of inflicting a satisfactory sting to its recipients, so I chambered a round, lit a cigarette, and basically morphed into a fat Terminator. 

“What are you doing?” My wife inquired.

I was tempted to shoot her in the leg. She likes cats. She was fair game. But I forewent instigating a year-long domestic feud and simply uttered “I’ll be back.”

Outside on the garden bench, with a leg cocked at an impossible angle, another cat sat, about to succumb to my wrath of Sunday roast retribution. 
I fired off a round aimed at its head. It missed, the pellet having been gathered by a gust of wind. I took another shot. Again, the target wasn’t hit. I decided that a more proactive means of exhibiting my fury should be employed. Using the shotgun barrel as a handle, I made towards the vicious bastard, who by this time looked to have consumed its head with its anus, with a view to issuing a devastating blow to the midsection. I brought the weapon down. Too late. The cat had obviously heard my approaching breaths of rage and jumped out of the way just as the shotgun met the table and smashed into a hundred pieces. 

With this, it was deemed absolutely essential that I immediately vacated the premises. Two minutes later I was frantically consuming alcohol at the local shop and regaling my tale of woe to an amused crowd of regulars. Apparently such adversities never seem to befall them – after all, anything with four legs and heartbeat invariably ends up in the pot, doesn’t it?
Do they eat cats in Thailand? Or is that just China?
Either way, Pad Krapow Meow has a delightful ring to it.

Look cute; are, in fact, dinner...

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## Dillinger

Somtamslap, the poor man's Rick Thai
 :Smile:

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## Necron99

Pussy, I told you to buy a decent pellet gun.


^ Should I add him to Ricks Big Adventure Book Dill?

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## Dillinger

^ yeah. I would buy that  :Smile:

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## beerlaodrinker

Fucking hate cats. Get a gerbil

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## somtamslap

> ^ Should I add him to Ricks Big Adventure Book Dill?


Rick seems like quite a handy fellow to have around the place... :Smile: 






> Get a gerbil


 Funny you say that. I'm building a guinea pig run this arvo, which is extremely fucking pleasant of me.

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## Albert Shagnastier

> two thoughtfully prepared meals daily and are never left wanting for strokes, cuddles, or indeed, light conversation.


 :rofl: 
It's the "light conversation" that I love.

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## somtamslap

> It's the "light conversation" that I love.


 You know the drill, Alberto. My mrs speaks to the animals more than Dr Dolittle.

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## Albert Shagnastier

> My mrs speaks to the animals more than Dr Dolittle.


My mrs speaks to the animals more than me  :Smile: . 2-3 times a day I say "What love?" and she says "I'm talking with the rabbit!"

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## somtamslap

> "I'm talking with the rabbit!"


 I like rabbits. I'd quite happily have a chin-wag with a rabbit. But cats. Cats are good for booting only.

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## Sumocakewalk

What was the wife's reaction to all this? Was she upset at the dinner being ruined, or about the cat being hurled over the garden wall?

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## somtamslap

> Was she upset at the dinner being ruined, or about the cat being hurled over the garden wall?


 I believe the latter prevailed. It was a Sunday roast - fare not applicable to the average Asian. She would've gone loopy if it was a bowl of rotten fish infused basmati.

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## david44

"Id rather keep a pair of sexually-active baboons, in my underpants"

Feck me as I opened Bleeders Digest I discovered i'd won a brace of such baboons as a prize,sadly since to previous convictions following the giraffe incident,I was unable to accept so notified Fedex you'd be delighted to claim them.

They should be bursting thru your catflap soon,The dominant one with a refined Stoke accent answers to name Withball while the submissive possibly AC-DCone is known as Will-he or some such easy to tell apart by there Stoke City and Wallabies theme nappies.

I'm sure these frisky little chaps will give you minutes of fun while heating the pot. (brain stew recipe attached),May your potlatch be in a wig wam

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## charleyboy

> A full Sunday roast dinner awaited my undivided attention. A cut of the finest beef, a stack of impeccably executed roast potatoes, an assortment of leafy greens, peas and carrots, an intricately grafted gravy, and the pièce de resistance, my wife’s take on Yorkshire puddings,


In fookin' Issarn!

Rickdanger is far more believable...  :Wink:

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## somtamslap

> In fookin' Issarn!


 It's all available up there, Chaz. Apart from the cut of the finest beef. The beef is generally pork or chicken unless you want to be chewing for half the afternoon.

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## kingwilly

> Originally Posted by somtamslap
> 
> A full Sunday roast dinner awaited my undivided attention. A cut of the finest beef, a stack of impeccably executed roast potatoes, an assortment of leafy greens, peas and carrots, an intricately grafted gravy, and the pièce de resistance, my wifes take on Yorkshire puddings,
> 
> 
> In fookin' Issarn!
> 
> Rickdanger is far more believable...


Yep, I'm calling  :Bsflag:  too! 

^^ david44 - I owe you a green for that!  :rofl:

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## somtamslap

> Yep, I'm calling too!


Beef - check

Potatoes - check

Broccoli, assorted greenery - check

Peas, carrots - check

Gravy - check

Milk, flour, egg for Yorkie Puds - check

Et voila.

One roast dinner in bumfuck nowhere.

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## Necron99

> Milk, flour, egg for Yorkie Puds - check
> 
> Et voila.
> 
> One roast dinner in bumfuck nowhere.



It's ok SomtamYorkshirePudsInIssanSlap.

We believe you....

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## somtamslap

SomtamYorkshirePudsInIssanSlap

I suggest a bake off.

Unfortunately I'm not in Isaan at the moment, so you have several years to practise.

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## Necron99

> SomtamYorkshirePudsInIssanSlap
> 
> I suggest a bake off.
> 
> Unfortunately I'm not in Isaan at the moment, so you have several years to practise.



What ever happened to that soup?

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## somtamslap

^ Ainsley Harriot's Broccoli and Stilton sachets are the way forward.

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## kingwilly

> Originally Posted by kingwilly
> 
> Yep, I'm calling too!
> 
> 
> Beef - check
> 
> Potatoes - check
> 
> ...


I'm sure you have all those components, I doubt very much your missus cooked it up in a traditional roast without at least adding some chillies, fish sauce or somtam or boiling some random green bits of grass or something.

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## thaimeme

> Originally Posted by &quot;Albert Shagnastier&quot;
> 
> It's the &quot;light conversation&quot; that I love.
> 
> 
>  You know the drill, Alberto. My mrs speaks to the animals more than Dr Dolittle.


Perhaps she doesn't find human types adequate.

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## Gravesend Dave

> Fucking hate cats. Get a gerbil


Going only half way with this!

Gerbil fuck off who wants one of them rodent cnuts in the house! :Confused: 

If an animal is called for get a Dog and be done with it.

personal preference when I have owned Dogs they live out the back in a Kennel and only enter the house when invited.

Catch and kill cats and vermin plus attacking unwanted human intruders :Smile:

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## zimba

I'm pretty sure there's a Vietnamese dish named "slam bang meow"
advertised as " the other white meat"

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## somtamslap

> I doubt very much your missus cooked it up in a traditional roast without at least adding some chillies, fish sauce or somtam or boiling some random green bits of grass or something.


 Maybe a sly teaspoon of MSG. 







> If an animal is called for get a Dog and be done with it.


 Won't be getting (or adopting) any more animals for a bit. LOve dogs but they're as much responsibility as a child and they shit all over the place.






> "slam bang meow"


 Sounds like a Chinese basketball play.

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## barrylad66

[. No, I would instead be attacking the fucking cat who was standing in it! Using the roast potatoes and the Yorkshire pudding as a vantage point, the heinous moggie was gnawing vehemently at the cut of premium roast beef, its front legs knee-deep in gravy.


 :rofl:

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## Sumocakewalk

> But it quickly became apparent that I wouldnt be attacking my roast dinner today. No, I would instead be attacking the fucking cat who was standing in it! Using the roast potatoes and the Yorkshire pudding as a vantage point, the heinous moggie was gnawing vehemently at the cut of premium roast beef, its front legs knee-deep in gravy.


Do front legs have knees?

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## Gravesend Dave

> Originally Posted by somtamslap
> 
> 
> 
> But it quickly became apparent that I wouldnt be attacking my roast dinner today. No, I would instead be attacking the fucking cat who was standing in it! Using the roast potatoes and the Yorkshire pudding as a vantage point, the heinous moggie was gnawing vehemently at the cut of premium roast beef, its front legs knee-deep in gravy.
> 
> 
> Do front legs have knees?


No they would be Elbows  :Roll Eyes (Sarcastic):

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## somtamslap

> Do front legs have knees?


Required reading...

Do Cats Have Elbows? - Pets

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## Sumocakewalk

It seems the question of knees versus elbows in regards to feline front leg anatomy is in a quandary. There are opinions on both that are being promoted as correct. I am of the elbow camp. Regarding the OP, I can sympathize with the fact that the fury creature was making a mess of the Sunday dinner, regardless of whether it was elbows or knees planted in the gravy.

  Just the other day, our feline friend made an assault on an unfortunate gecko that ventured into our house while we were out. I came back to find all my disc drives knocked over, with one of them having suffered a fall to the floor. After a quick test I found that it was still in working order, but I was still none too pleased with the situation. I usually oppose retribution against felines, but this did raise my ire to a certain degree. It resulted in a stern warning to the kitty cat, along with some tossing of water at the offender. Not that it will do any good because after all, she is a cat.

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## Roger Ramjet

*King Willie has hit a very sore point right on the head!! *  ........with his extremely accurate assumption "*I'm sure you have all those components, I doubt very much your missus cooked it up in a traditional roast without at least adding some chillies, fish sauce or somtam or boiling some random green bits of grass or something"............*

Me personally, I would rather put up with a furry pussy than the risk of one of those inverted, wriggling, eat anything and shit it into the gravy little ghekos!
I mean its like a blowfly in the marmite. (or vegemite if your from the colonies)
What is really needed here is a workable and devious plan to prevent the contamination of a proper roast dinner, with the completely taste destroying herbs and crap that even the very finest Isaan wives seem absolutely and completely unable to resist the temptation to add to the family roast!
I would try cooking it myself and send her to her mother's ..........but she died.....and when on occasion I have managed to get a roast to completion so it tasted like a traditional roast .....I got great compliments on how good it tasted!

For those in Isaan who are really hanging out for a tender lamb roast....I found a supermarket under the Centra shopping centre in Udon that has really first class lamb.
 :Aussie:

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## patsycat

You probably could have salvaged your roast dinner, it's not like the cat was like a dog and run off with the whole roast.  Probably just had a nibble at the corner which can be cut off.

My cat used to nick fish fingers.

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## Gravesend Dave

> You probably could have salvaged your roast dinner, it's not like the cat was like a dog and run off with the whole roast.  Probably just had a nibble at the corner which can be cut off.
> 
> My cat used to nick fish fingers.


Now that's proper scummy behavior!

You can't eat food after an animals already tucked into it,well I can't anyway

Each to their own though!

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## patsycat

Why not?  If you see it has nibbled at a corner, you just cut off that corner.  Or just slice yourself another bit.  It's not like the whole roast has been gobbled at like a dog would do.

OK, I drew the line at salvaging a fish finger off the floor...  Of which the breaded bit had been delicately peeled off to get at the fish underneath.

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## Dillinger

> Why not? If you see it has nibbled at a corner, you just cut off that corner. Or just slice yourself another bit.


I'd slice off a bit of the cat if he came near my dinner. Cat's are horrible creatures and they will eat your eyeballs when you die Patsy  :Smile:

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## Dane

> *King Willie has a very sore head!! *  .....*your missus cooked it up or something"........*I would rather put up a furry pussy than the risk of one of those little ghekos!
> I mean its like a blow. (if your from the colonies)
> What is really needed here is the very finest Isaan wives and the family!
> I would try cooking myself like a traditional first class lamb.


My english is very bad. I deleted the words I don't understand. Could someone explain what Roger is writhing :Aussie: 

Thank you very much
Dane

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## Albert Shagnastier

> Cat's are horrible creatures and they will eat your eyeballs when you die Patsy


And if you become paralysed before you die the fvckers will eat them while you're alive. Watch your back (or your eyes)

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## somtamslap

> And if you become paralysed before you die the fvckers will eat them while you're alive. Watch your back (or your eyes)


 Just imagine if cats were the size of lions or cheetahs or leopards or tigers. They'd fucking eat you soon as look at you. Do not be fooled by the fluffiness.

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## Dillinger

> ust imagine if cats were the size of lions or cheetahs or leopards or tigers


i sat and pondered there for a while.... 

I'm gonna Rick Thai some fukker for that

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## patsycat

You are all just scared of cats, how silly is that.  A lot of men are, nothing to be embarassed about.

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## BaitongBoy

> I would rather put up with a furry pussy


Tough job, but someone has to do it...

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## BaitongBoy

> they will eat your eyeballs when you die Patsy


Reminds me of the old Thai woman who died and they found her covered in the little jee-jo fckers that were devouring her rotting corpse...

Story was, she ate the little bstards when she was alive...And they came and returned the favour when she died...

I was asking Thai friends why they didn't eat the little boogers like everything else, and I was told it was a Buddhist thing...Then, they remembered the story of the old woman...

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## poorfalang

Dear slapper, 
i will suggest that you stop right now, get yourself four cans of beer, unopened, you, then will enjoy the contents of it, leaving you half happy, you will also get a string, any colour will do, once you have enjoyed your drink you will take the string and tie the cans all together like a train one after the other. then get your goPro ready, then tie one end of that string to that long thing hanging above the cats anus, i think it is called a TALE, well secured and still holding the cat grab a seat, throw the cat gently to the floor with it's cans hanging from it's tale and let the cat go nuts, the cat will run until the cans fall off if they don't fall off the cat will run until it passes out because of exhaustion. 
Oh, one more thing, once you recorded all of the action with your GoPro upload it so i can enjoy it too, 


PS. I hate cats,

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## thaimeme

> Originally Posted by &quot;Albert Shagnastier&quot;
> 
> And if you become paralysed before you die the fvckers will eat them while you're alive. Watch your back (or your eyes)
> 
> 
>  Just imagine if cats were the size of lions or cheetahs or leopards or tigers. They'd fucking eat you soon as look at you. Do not be fooled by the fluffiness.


Felines have it over most species, including humankind. Shouldn't sit us on a pedestal as it's not deserved.

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## somtamslap

^^ Just off out to by a Go Pro.

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## Necron99

> Dear slapper, 
> i will suggest that you stop right now, get yourself four cans of beer, unopened, you, then will enjoy the contents of it, leaving you half happy, you will also get a string, any colour will do, once you have enjoyed your drink you will take the string and tie the cans all together like a train one after the other. then get your goPro ready, then tie one end of that string to that long thing hanging above the cats anus, i think it is called a TALE, well secured and still holding the cat grab a seat, throw the cat gently to the floor with it's cans hanging from it's tale and let the cat go nuts, the cat will run until the cans fall off if they don't fall off the cat will run until it passes out because of exhaustion. 
> Oh, one more thing, once you recorded all of the action with your GoPro upload it so i can enjoy it too, 
> 
> 
> PS. I hate cats,



Endless hours of fun to be had by just putting a sock over it's head, have a few cones and spend ages watching it walking around backwards bumping into shit.

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## Dillinger

> throw the cat gently to the floor with it's cans hanging from it's tale


Fireworks are better, one of them homemade Isaan ones would be fun

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## patsycat

And you all fell for it.

Of course any feline would get a quick flick of the foot under the tail if it tried to nick my lunch.  But mine were trained to wait.  Apart from Madame Fish Finger nicker.  In the end i just cooked two extra for her.

I did make a mistake once, i went to a Boxing Day party and left the turkey on the table which had been savaged by me and my mates the day before.

The whole lot of them finished it off.  But that was my fault.

Got yaz.

A friend of mine's dad died a few years ago.  He lay there dead for a week and his dog licked his face off.

We can love our furry friends, but not to the point that their lives take over ours.

So, Davey, rest assured.  When you come to take piccies of Geneva and i invite you to eat you will not be eating cat leftovers.  As i no longer have any cats.

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## Roger Ramjet

I can't believe these DANE's ......
"I would try cooking myself like a traditional first class lamb.".......Maybe he is expecting to get sunburnt!  Surely he is not planning to cook himself? :smiley laughing:  :smiley laughing: 

To explain.......I was noting that most guys in the West married to Thai women, who like the taste of a traditionally cooked meat roast, have a tough time getting it cooked without it tasting "like Thai Somtam" rather than the traditional taste, due to their wives/girlfriends feeling they must always change the taste to "Thai" ........by adding various dead creature Thai spices and sauces!

I don't really fancy "roast viking" even with Thai fish sauce!

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## Breny

Cats cannot be trusted.  View all penguins with contempt.

I like the way that Thais boil eggs, on the BBQ. Quite an eye opener.

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## OhOh

Kittens should be turned into book bindings at birth and cover an upcoming blockbuster, freely distributed by any author currently residing in Crydon.

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## somtamslap

^ concur...

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## phinik

Samtam, that was the most enjoyable post that I've read on TD, and to think, I thought that you Brits didn't have a sense of humor. Great job! :smiley laughing:

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## phinik

By the way, I'm moving to Issan (Sisaket) in a few months.  Fortunately my wife hates cats.

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## somtamslap

> By the way, I'm moving to Issan (Sisaket) in a few months.


 From Vegas to Sisaket - now that's a transition!

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## SiLeakHunt

lucky they didn't mistake the greenpeas for their litter tray !

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## poorfalang

> Cats cannot be trusted.  View all penguins with contempt.
> 
> I like the way that Thais boil eggs, on the BBQ. Quite an eye opener.


They are not boiling eggs, they are BBQ'ing them, boiling involves water, they also boil eggs just like the falangs do, pan, water, eggs, fire  :Smile:

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## corvettelover

> Originally Posted by Necron99
> 
> ^ Should I add him to Ricks Big Adventure Book Dill?
> 
> 
> Rick seems like quite a handy fellow to have around the place...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 And they cook up well skin hard to remove though. :Sorry1:

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