#  >  > Non Asia Travel Forums >  >  > UK Travel Forum >  >  Memoirs of an urban commute

## somtamslap

I recently acquired a folding bicycle. With such a piece of apparatus I  would be afforded the luxury of being able to board rush hour trains  without being lynched by a baying mob of commuters, just dying to  compliment their morning coffee with a public butchering. 

You  can see it in their eyes. The commuting set, particulalry those who use  the train, are invariably angry, angry people. They want blood. They  want suffering. They are the desparate and the depraved and the downright  sadistic of the modern world. 

Enter the cyclist; he with the  Lycra and the 27C wheels and the ridiculous footwear. He is more than  fair game. His assailants, who usually come in the form of repulsive  strumpets, boasting breasts down to their knees and arses the size of Scunthorpe, will snarl and expectorate and wheeze in the direction of  our lowly biker until he is forced to yield and alight at the next stop.  He shakes his fist at the carriage as it trundles towards the horizon,  trembling under the weight of its fat and irritable cargo.

A folding cycle is subsequently purchased - and the fuckers will rue the day. 

I  clambered aboard a South-Western vessel which would plough a furrow  through suburban London and up to Clapham Junction. From there a short cycle would ensue, a day's work would be done, and the  entire journey would be replicated in reverse. 

My little Brompton, or Barbara, such is her name, sat dicreetly in the aisle. 



Now,  for her plentiful strengths, Barbara certainly isn't without flaw.  Perhaps the most predominant being that she has a canny knack  of making her owner look like a total fucking idiot. A bicycle so small  with a rider so large may elicit robust sniggers from the naysayers,  and it was indeed true that whilst piloting Babs through the urban  sprawl it looked like I was trying to consume her through my buttocks.  Yet she is suprisingly resilient and we arrived at the office without  hinderance. 

The return leg on the other hand was somewhat more irksome.

Exhibit A, if I may...



How Babs and I negotiated that little lot without inadvertantly snapping a pedal off in someone's arse is anyone's guess.

----------


## klong toey

Did you do any research before purchasing Babs.
 'BASTARDS! It's completely bike-o-phobic,' says Boris Johnson MP, upon hearing that bikes are now banned on some train services into London.
Five on test: folding bicycles | Money | The Guardian

----------


## Necron99

I feel this should be moved to Moog's "coming out" thread.....

----------


## thaimeme

You're a civilised fellow, Slap....

The definitive sophisticate.
 :Smile:

----------


## Dillinger

> I was trying to consume her through my buttocks.


Is it just me or does that seat look like a massive black  cock with ample balls?

Barbara ?

Ahhh I see


By da rivers of Barbara where we sat down. Hey hey hey hey

----------


## Luigi

I'm sure I've seen that man vilely ranting about Thais and Thailand on youtube. Good to see he made back home. Doesn't look any happier though.

----------


## somtamslap

> upon hearing that bikes are now banned on some train services into London.


 Generally only non folders during rush hour, which is understandable - those carriages become so busy that the fug of post slumber exhalations become almost palapable.






> I feel this should be moved to Moog's "coming out" thread.....


 I said Barbara, not Bob.

----------


## somtamslap

> Is it just me or does that seat look like a massive black cock with ample balls?


 I'm happy to confirn that it isn't just you. Others have also noticed the similarities. They have said: "Slap, your bike has a massive cock protruding from the seat tube.

It took me a while to register that it was me they were referring to.

----------


## charleyboy

Looks like a fookin' wheelchair!

----------


## BaitongBoy

^With a cock added...

----------


## somtamslap

No it doesn't. It looks like a fucking folding bike. And a bladdy sexy one at that.

----------


## wasabi

Welcome to civilisation, in Bangkok motorcycle retards toot their horns on pavements to get pedestrians to move out the way.

----------


## BaitongBoy

^The hell, they do...

----------


## kingwilly

I thought those folding bikes were a fad of about 15 years ago. And then died out.

----------


## withnallstoke

> I thought those folding bikes were a fad of about 15 years ago. And then died out.


Not quite.

I believe it was the owners who died out.

----------


## baldrick

> I thought those folding bikes were a fad of about 15 years ago. And then died out.


google folding electric bike - quite a few out there that are designed for the last few kilometers of a commute

http://www.gizmag.com/impossible-ele...ackpack/34683/

http://www.gizmag.com/electric-mood-e-scooter/36073/

and using unused rail tunnels under london as bike lanes

http://www.gizmag.com/london-underline/36052/

----------


## withnallstoke

Try one of these somtam, then badger a fitness freak to tow you to the office.

----------


## BaitongBoy

> I believe it was the owners who died out.


Laughed out loud I did, withnall...I guess they're making a comeback, now...Err...The bikes, I mean...

----------


## nidhogg

> 


Thank you for that.  It reminds me that however irksome my job can be at times, I do not face that crap on a daily basis.

Frankly, I think it would drive me insane.

----------


## Davis Knowlton

^I focused on that gruesome shot as well; no way would I ever choose to endure that crap. Never happen.

----------


## Neverna

All those people standing and there seems to be a spare seat! Perhaps they are all frightened of the guy with the stare.

----------


## klong toey

Another plus point will easy go in a bike bag and in the cargo hold of a plane bound for Thailand.
Some of my friends decide to take their bikes,not Brompton's  on holiday with them.
Very keen cyclist they flew to Bombay that's what it was called then rode to Goa for a holiday and then rode back to Bombay.

----------


## withnallstoke

> All those people standing and there seems to be a spare seat!


They're not standing.

They have taken root.

----------


## withnallstoke

Oi slapper.


What about this bad boy.

----------


## BaitongBoy

^It might just spring out like a switchblade or a jack-in-the-box...

----------


## Dillinger

That would crumple and negate the effects of hanging around blind turns

----------


## somtamslap

It's true.

I sit on that train after another hard day's slog, gradually making in roads into my monthly rent. It coincides with the time I'd normally be at my local shop in Isaan - perhaps just unfolding the corner crease in my book, or slamming the first YD of the day down my gullet, or fending off repugnant female farmers with rat snake curry on the belch. 

I do a lot of sighing, I can tell you.

----------


## Bettyboo

Dear MrSlaps, I hate people like you! Taking your fetish wheelchairs with black cock 'seat' into an already crowded sardine can... Bikes are for riding outside, in the rain and sleet, so the poor commuters have something to laugh at and feel good about while passing by you trying to take their minds off of their miserable lives. They enjoy the commute, it's the best part of the day, gives them some pleasant dreamtime away from the painful realities of their office and home lives... 

p.s. that fetish wheelchair with big black cock attachment is even gayer than your countryside bike (which is pretty gay all by itself). Can I suggest going the whole hog, coming out of the wardrobe, and getting yeeself a large orange cone.

----------


## somtamslap

> I hate people like you!


 And a very good morning to you too, Booby!

----------


## chassamui

> Another plus point will easy go in a bike bag and in the cargo hold of a plane bound for Thailand. Some of my friends decide to take their bikes,not Brompton's on holiday with them. Very keen cyclist they flew to Bombay that's what it was called then rode to Goa for a holiday and then rode back to Bombay.


If you travel with Air India they will take your bicycle as it comes and just put it in the luggage hold. No need for a bag, a box or partial dismantling. just Park and ride.
Virgin will carry cycles for free depending on space available. (Allegedley).

----------


## klong toey

> Originally Posted by klong toey
> 
> Another plus point will easy go in a bike bag and in the cargo hold of a plane bound for Thailand. Some of my friends decide to take their bikes,not Brompton's on holiday with them. Very keen cyclist they flew to Bombay that's what it was called then rode to Goa for a holiday and then rode back to Bombay.
> 
> 
> If you travel with Air India they will take your bicycle as it comes and just put it in the luggage hold. No need for a bag, a box or partial dismantling. just Park and ride.
> Virgin will carry cycles for free depending on space available. (Allegedley).


This was a few years ago and the were very expensive bikes £2000 plus so decided on bike bags for protection .
They did fly Air India though no damage to bikes or passengers right result.

----------


## beerlaodrinker

Good one slappers,  I feel your pain there is no way I would  willingly subject myself to that kind of commute daily, but my hat goes of to for being a staunch mothafucka, and I've sent a bottle isaans finest Lao khao, pommy beer ok but I'm guessing your missing the real thing

----------


## somtamslap

> pommy beer ok but I'm guessing your missing the real thing


 I had a bottle of Old Thumper last night. It wasn't without its charm. But I do confess to having a hankering for tree bark infused chemicals.

----------


## Bettyboo

Dear Slaps, any pics of you on Trina?

----------


## somtamslap

> Dear Slaps, any pics of you on Trina?


 ... and now he wants to look at images of me getting buggered by Barbara!

Is there no end to the hostility of this man?

Shame on you, Booby.

----------


## Bettyboo

I have lived in Bangkok for over 10 years, there is no more shame left to know...

Barbara the Train Trannie doesn't have the same 'ring' as Trina the Train Trannie although it has to be said that Barabra is a nice name, and if one were to sit on a large black cock shaped thingy and move up and down then I can certainly see the attraction in shouting out 'Oh yes please Barbara'. Any pics?

----------


## thaimeme

> It's true.
> 
> I sit on that train after another hard day's slog, gradually making in roads into my monthly rent. It coincides with the time I'd normally be at my local shop in Isaan - perhaps just unfolding the corner crease in my book, or slamming the first YD of the day down my gullet, or fending off repugnant female farmers with rat snake curry on the belch. 
> 
> I do a lot of sighing, I can tell you.


Homesickness.
Knew it would surface eventually.

----------


## beerlaodrinker

I'm worried about you Betty.

----------


## Dillinger

I'd pay good money for that  in pic/ ebook/video form too. :Smile: 

Choo  choo!!!!!!

----------


## somtamslap

^ I shall begin the lubrication process.

----------


## BaitongBoy

Knock yerself out, slap...

----------


## ltnt

> I'm sure I've seen that man vilely ranting about Thais and Thailand on youtube. Good to see he made back home. Doesn't look any happier though.


You actually choose to live this way Slap?  Sad day for Issans own naked child...tears are flowing in somchi's whorehouse today...showed them this pic.

----------


## somtamslap

> You actually choose to live this way Slap?


 No I must certainly do not.

Needs must at present. 

There's only so much cash one can muster pretending to farm in Isaan.

----------


## thaimeme

> Originally Posted by ltnt
> 
> You actually choose to live this way Slap?
> 
> 
>  No I must certainly do not.
> 
> Needs must at present. 
> 
> There's only so much cash one can muster pretending to farm in Isaan.


The good missus and your well-behaved children must love this shit.

All waiting patiently for Daddy to give in - move the clan back to Isaan.

 :Smile:

----------


## somtamslap

> your well-behaved children must love this shit.


 They love the U.K. Whilst this is good news it also makes my dossing in Isaan plan a little tricky to actuate.

----------


## BaitongBoy

^Luck with it, slap...

----------


## somtamslap

She's a work in progress.  :Yup:

----------


## ltnt

^ Wow, I really feel sad for you.  What a miserable way to live.  The crush of human drones on their way to their meaningless jobs...sleeping avoidance pretending to be tired from their efforts.  I avoided this lifestyle like the plague during my working years.  When I did live as you are, I was one miserable fucker.  Stayed drunk all the time...

----------


## SiLeakHunt

I think I'd prefer a Brompton Cocktail

----------


## ltnt

^Suicide?"

----------


## BaitongBoy

Pain relief...

----------


## Smug Farang Bore

> ^ Wow, I really feel sad for you.  What a miserable way to live.  The crush of human drones on their way to their meaningless jobs...sleeping avoidance pretending to be tired from their efforts.  I avoided this lifestyle like the plague during my working years.  When I did live as you are, I was one miserable fucker.  Stayed drunk all the time...


He stayed drunk the 10 years he was here.

o slap , that train looks fun....na


 ::chitown::

----------


## ltnt

> He stayed drunk the 10 years he was here.


Yes, but no commute except to Po's shop for more LaoKho...Freedom comes in different packages for many....what they choose to do with that freedom is up to them...he did some writing while here...

----------


## crepitas

Blooody loooksury.....no graffiti, ripped seats or pipe smoking bowler hats..probably got heat too..do the toilets still give you a view of the rails and sleepers whizzing by?
A touch more crowded and depressing than 60's steam and diesels ...  
 I really envy you....really _miss_ commuting on the first am to Kings Cross from Ware Herts on a frickin cold dark damp Brit summer morning...
Where are the saggy boob strumpets?
Interesting that there seem to be only Caucasians in the pic...guess _others_ just live above their takeaway?

----------


## crepitas

^^^^^
 A little off topic and perhaps of limited interest:
  My commute ended via the Central line at an unobtrusive guarded doorway. Access to an elevator to a subterranean telephone exchange..Part of a network including Churchills _war room_ it was rumored.
  Since, in those days it was a six day working week for the princely sum of 7 pound nine bob a week, it often meant that I entered in half light and emerged in the dark.
  Effectively I never saw the light of day except on Sundays after surfacing from my _pit_ at 10am or thereabouts.
  There was an upside...an underground government subsidized cafe serving enormous crusty rolls stuffed with bacon and complemented by a big bottle of HP ,thick brown tea in big _cups_ made with real tea leafs..Payday breakfast often included bubble and squeak or fried tatters, fried bread, mushrooms, tomatoes, kidneys and an egg!
  Tell that to the kids today and they wont believe ya!

----------

