#  >  > Non Asia Travel Forums >  >  > UK Travel Forum >  >  On yer bike: Slap's Surrey Hills shindig

## somtamslap

There's no doubt in my mind. It's unequivocal. Upon opting to reside in Southeast Asia, we also unwittingly opt to regress a century or so. This is by no means a bad thing, quite the contrary, in fact. Modern life is officially rubbish. Modern life is pricey, pretentious and full of Polish people. Modern life is fast, unforgiving and four pounds a pint. Modern life is slavery; a social chain gang - relentless tedium with occasional masturbation and kebab breaks. 

A very wise man once said that when the going gets tough he couldn't speak more highly of a pint of Tia Maria, some crack cocaine, and an hour's worth of red-hot carnage with a Bratislavian immigrant. But I have implemented a new - perhaps more wholesome - system which curtails the monotony of modern day living in the western world.

I simply call it: "Get on your bike and ride until your brain goes numb"

It's an extremely efficient means of hopping off the conveyor belt for a few glorious moments, and of course, come the end of the day your ale has been well earned.

In the Surrey Hills yesterday and I quickly became aware that they hadn't been named by mistake:

Draggy ascents under the canopy cover went on for miles.



Finally descending into quaint little villages...



...with big pubs.



Found a local shop. No Lau Khao present. Always extremely displeasing.

Bottle of water and blueberry muffin sufficed.




The vehicle



That blueberry muffin made me hungry. Spot of lunch in a pub, I think.



Masculine fare...



The village green opposite the pub would shortly host a cricket match...



That's how we currently roll, folks.

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## malcy

I'm calling poof on the muffin

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## withnallstoke

I do believe you have a white fiver sticking out of your cobwebbed wallet.

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## malcy

And god help you if you were wearing Lycra .

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## Necron99

Please tell me there are no spandex bike shorts involved in this....

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## withnallstoke

> I'm calling poof on the muffin


And the gherkin.  :Yup:

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## somtamslap

> And god help you if you were wearing Lycra .





> Please tell me there are no spandex bike shorts involved in this...


 I wear a short under the trackie bottoms, tucked into socks, rockin' a pair of reebok classics - kinda like a really tough gangsta, don't get it twisted y'all. 






> And the gherkin.


 Gherkins aren't bent!

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## barrylad66

thanks slap and a nice bit of light relief :Smile: , and the ploughmans looked the bollox

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## malcy

Is that the arkose 1 ?

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## cyrille

> the ploughmans looked the bollox


it does look good, but is sadly lacking ham.

in other words a vegetarian ploughman's, otherwise known as a crime against nature.

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## Dillinger

I don't think I've ever purchased a bottle of water in the UK. In fact, even in my old raving days I'd   drink it  straight out of the cistern rather than pay. :Smile:

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## robuzo

That's a fine Yankee velocipede you have there, old chap. 

Glorious weather, a fine lunch and the lovely scenery of the sceptred isle. Sure you haven't died and gone to heaven? By the way, as I recall Polish girls are about as pretty as they come, but maybe that's only in Poland and the mountains of Pennsylvania.

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## Tickiteboo

No beer?  That's poof.

Slice of lemon in the coke?  That's proper poof!  :Smile:

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## Bettyboo

> I'm calling poof on the muffin





> And the gherkin.


The cheese platter is also extremely poof...




> In fact, even in my old raving days I'd drink it straight out of the cistern rather than pay.








> I simply call it: "Get on your bike and ride until your brain goes numb"


Nice thread, nice pics, keep up the good work.

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## Necron99

> I don't think I've ever purchased a bottle of water in the UK. In fact, even in my old raving days I'd   drink it  straight out of the cistern rather than pay.



Yeh, but despite questionable wine cooler nights with well dodgy CharlieBoy, you've never gone the full Poof have you?
Slapper owns it now.

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## Dillinger

> Yeh, but despite questionable wine cooler nights with well dodgy CharlieBoy


Charley's not poof, he just likes the cock

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## Bogon

> ...with big pubs.




or small roundabouts?

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## Bettyboo

^that's a normal size roundabout, Bogon, they call it Henley's Corner 2, but it's a fukin massive, MASSIVE!!! pub...  :Smile:

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## withnallstoke

> In the Surrey Hills yesterday and I quickly became aware that they hadn't been named by mistake:  Draggy ascents under the canopy cover went on for miles.


The highest summit of the Surrey Hills is Leith Hill near Coldharbour, at 294 metres (965 ft) above sea level.

I have bigger pimples on my arse.

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## barrylad66

> Originally Posted by barrylad66
> 
> the ploughmans looked the bollox
> 
> 
> it does look good, but is sadly lacking ham.
> 
> in other words a vegetarian ploughman's, otherwise known as a crime against nature.


forgot to edit, needed a nice bit of crumbed and boiled ham!

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## Bettyboo

Needs a scotch egg and a bit of pork pie...

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## barrylad66

^
just nik picking now :Smile:

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## Bogon

Actually, that ploughmans looks like a construct your own cheese sandwich.  :Smile: 

Nice to know the wardens are now allowing Slappers the chance to reintergrate with society.

Keep up the good work Somtam.

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## Rural Surin

Thanks Slap!

Lovely thread!!!

Much needed break from the heathens..
Cheers. :Smile:

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## Dillinger

The shifter could have had the ham for an extra quid




> Ploughman’s
> Served with French Bread, salad and pickles
> 
>                    Cheddar or Mixed Cheese
> £8.50
> 
>                    Ham
> £8.50
> 
> ...

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## Smug Farang Bore

I was in the surrey hills the other week but I used the train to get to the nice rural Ye Olde English Pubs.


Actually lads. This is all cut n paste, as I met Slap for a pint and we met in a skinhead, pikey, gypo and brass filled Witherspoons pub in Guildford.

Not a bike in sight.


The Kunt came on the train too... :Smile: 


He's making it all up so you think he's got a life back there.



Asked me to send him back some Lao Khao as he needed a fix.....man.








...practically climbed in to my case to come back.

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## Breny

Slap, nice set of wheels.  I reckon that must have cost about the same as 45 years worth of Lau Khao.

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## Kurgen

Fukk me, Slappers auditioning for Last Of The Summer Winos !

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## somtamslap

> Is that the arkose 1 ?


 Arkose 3 - latest cyclo cross model. 




> Glorious weather


 Looks can be deceptive; the breeze was bitter. Although it was nicer than today's non-stop drizzle. 




> Nice thread, nice pics, keep up the good work


 A compliment? From Betsy? Well I never. They're as rare as hens that withnall hasn't fucked. 




> The highest summit of the Surrey Hills is Leith Hill near Coldharbour, at 294 metres (965 ft) above sea level.


 Went up Box Hill which is apparently an 'iconic climb'. Meh, traversed tougher slopes en route.






> Actually, that ploughmans looks like a construct your own cheese sandwich.


 Oh yes, oh yes indeed. Stick the pickled onion in there and we've got a winning sanger. 






> The shifter could have had the ham for an extra quid


 Biking was of the essence. The shifter didn't want ham.

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## somtamslap

> The Kunt came on the train too...


 I was toying with biking it. But it's quite hard to pedal after 12 pints of ale. Even hard getting on the right train if you remember the platform staggering. 




> I reckon that must have cost about the same as 45 years worth of Lau Khao.


 They are about a grand, I think. Although free to those who can afford it.

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## somtamslap

> Fukk me, Slappers auditioning for Last Of The Summer Winos !


 Wrong part of the country - but yes, I wouldn't mind kicking it with old Cleggy.

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## robuzo

> Originally Posted by robuzo
> 
> Glorious weather
> 
> 
>  Looks can be deceptive; the breeze was bitter. Although it was nicer than today's non-stop drizzle.


Beds i' the east have surely made ye soft, what once was refreshing is now bitter.

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## Albert Shagnastier

> it's quite hard to pedal after 12 pints of ale.


Not if you have a fat line of charlie mate  :Smile:

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## somtamslap

> Beds i' the east have surely made ye soft, what once was refreshing is now bitter.


 True. In the east you yearn for that refreshing northeasterly breeze. Once you get here it turns out it's shite. 






> Not if you have a fat line of charlie mate


 50 notes though. 50 notes!

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## blue

I'm calling those  Surrey ''hills''  gay and  flat chested  ...
the steepest incline  seen is the slight slope the phone box is on.
Lets see if they have a place in this years British start to the 
*The 2014 Tour de France Stage 1,  Saturday 5th July 2014*

     Leeds - Harewood - Otley - Ilkley - Skipton - Kettlewell - Aysgarth -  Hawes - Reeth - Leyburn - Ripon - Harrogate
 Nope 
 but maybe  Surrey  is holding the veterans event for over 85s ?




On the other hand that moldy  Stilton cheese is well hard; enough to make any Thai quiver with fear just at the sight and smell.

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## Albert Shagnastier

> 50 notes though. 50 notes!


40, plenty for 40.

And though it may seem steep, how much was that ploughmans?  :Smile: 

And if you divide the price of the gram by the benefit of the hedonism, it's a bargain at twice the price.

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## somtamslap

> The 2014 Tour de France Stage 1, Saturday 5th July 2014  Leeds - Harewood - Otley - Ilkley - Skipton - Kettlewell - Aysgarth - Hawes - Reeth - Leyburn - Ripon - Harrogate


London 2012 Olympic Road Race route:

Shere, North Downs, Dorking, ,Box Hill

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## somtamslap

> how much was that ploughmans?


 five ploughman's for a gram of powder.

That's a lot of cheese... :Smile:

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## Albert Shagnastier

> five ploughman's for a gram of powder.


Yeah, but 

"A gram will see you through times of no cheese, better than cheese will see you through times of no gram"

Fat Freddy.
Innit.

 :Smile:

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## patsycat

Where's the pic of your legs?

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## somtamslap

^ What, you mean my manly, muscly, finely chiselled, bronzed pins? Pins that have previously been known to elicit underpants awash with cascades of vaginal fluid? Are those the pins you mean, Pats?

Just let me move my gut out of the way and I'll see if I can get a snap. It's quite an ask though, you understand Pats? I haven't seen my knob in two score and seven.

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## MANICHAEAN1

How did you miss the rain you lucky devil? It's been on and off all day in Herts.

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## patsycat

> ^ What, you mean my manly, muscly, finely chiselled, bronzed pins? Pins that have previously been known to elicit underpants awash with cascades of vaginal fluid? Are those the pins you mean, Pats?
> 
> Just let me move my gut out of the way and I'll see if I can get a snap. It's quite an ask though, you understand Pats? I haven't seen my knob in two score and seven.


Can't wait.  All in a tizz.

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## mingmong

> I wear a short under the trackie bottoms, tucked into socks, rockin' a pair of reebok classics - kinda like a really tough gangsta,


  this is the dress of the South Australian Bogan! [indoor Gardner] are You sure You didn't drop into S.A ?

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## Dillinger

> How did you miss the rain you lucky devil?



He is gonna need a mudguard on there, sooner or later

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## Bettyboo

^it does look very clean. Straight out the back of the Rav4 for the photo op, back in, a few beers and poof lunch then drive back to Croydon?

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## Necron99

> Originally Posted by Breny
> 
> I reckon that must have cost about the same as 45 years worth of Lau Khao.
> 
> 
>  They are about a grand, I think. Although free to those who can afford it.


A thooshand poonds?
Is that what the guy you nicked it from paid for it?
How much were the boltcutters?

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## Dillinger

^^ What are you inferring Betty ? .... that the bike  does not belong to Lance Slapstrong.. but is indeed a photo of the local paperboys new bike,with him out of frame to the left of his yellow paper satchel ??

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## somtamslap

> How did you miss the rain you lucky devil?


 Went on the Saturday. Slashed it down all day yesterday here, too.






> He is gonna need a mudguard on there, sooner or later


 Not a bother. She's equipped with mudguard and pannier mounts.




> Straight out the back of the Rav4 for the photo op, back in, a few beers and poof lunch then drive back to Croydon?


 Sort of, Betsy. But I don't do day time drinking anymore and that lunch wasn't a poof.






> A thooshand poonds? Is that what the guy you nicked it from paid for it? How much were the boltcutters?


 Like I say, free to those who can afford it.

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## Bettyboo

> But I don't do day time drinking anymore




It's the best kind.

We lurrrved the bike helmet vid, any chance of some more?

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## bobfish

Nice Cycle Slap.
I see you've left it in the big ring - that's properly hard!
To quote the Velominati: "_Sur la Plaque! [ In case you don't speak the language of the peloton, that's French for, “Put that thing in the big ring, fucktard.]”.
_

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## Necron99

*Peloton, Noun, Fr.*

A particularly unpleasant sausage made by shoving a bunch of sweaty assholes into a tight fitting skin.....

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## withnallstoke

somtamslap   splendid and tremendous
 

 Last Online: Today 02:12 PM
 Join Date: Dec 2007
 Location: Down on the farm
  					Posts: 10,242

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## Bogon

^ I think you have captured him magnificently.

I can see that he has kept 2 small balls of cheese in his cycling shorts to take home.

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## mingmong

/\ and a Frankfurt!

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## somtamslap

> I see you've left it in the big ring - that's properly hard!


 Only for show. I'm usually stuck in the granny gear for anything that isn't downhill.




> ^ I think you have captured him magnificently.


 So do I. I'd use it as my AV if I knew how.

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## withnallstoke

> I'd use it as my AV if I knew how.


Use it as your lav - a mobile squatter so you don't have to crap on your own doorstep.

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## steveun

> *Peloton, Noun, Fr.*
> 
> A particularly unpleasant sausage made by shoving a bunch of sweaty assholes into a tight fitting skin.....


You have never tried andouilette, Noun, Fr.

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## mingmong

just googled  ''andouilette'' 

@TomEats  Ive had good tripe and good intestine, Ive even eaten tasty chitterlings from St John. None of them even came close to the taste of this. Wow. It, quite literally, took my breath away.

@meemalee  you are so right, i should have asked you, bumhole sausage is about right. The really evil thing is that it looks so innocently tasty sitting there on the counter

 Nordic Nibbler 6 December 201
- See more at: Andouillette or... The Dish Of Death | The GrubwormThe Grubworm

now I'm educated! thanks

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## somtamslap

Had it last year in France when I went to Normandy.

All types of wrong.




> andouilette

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## steveun

Mingmong, very funny article. First time I tried it, I was in Lyon with a Swedish bird. She said it was a steak. Salad lyonnaise followed by andouillette. Possibly 1 of the worst meals in my life.

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## mingmong

Steve any  Food write up with Bum hole and sausage in the same line is Evil!  :ourrules:

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## steveun

I love liver but do not love my liver. Most offal I can eat. But tripe and intestines are a no no.

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## Dillinger

but can you do this,Slapper ?

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## Albert Shagnastier

^After 10 shots of ya dong and six yaba tabs - a walk in the park  :Smile:

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## Albert Shagnastier

Now add a speedball into the mix, and this is some everyday shit  :Smile:

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## mattrauen

Very Nice

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## david44

lavender pickers still surry on down for a yadong sassafras and shoshine

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## david44

meanwhile the cars halt on beetches

Laura Nyro - Stoned Soul Picnic Lyrics | MetroLyrics

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## Albert Shagnastier

> meanwhile the cars halt on beetches

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## david44

Is a dork posting about surrey be a Teak Dorking or a leatharhead

Peek of Somtams nipples at 38seconds before I come on there all mad in Surrey

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