#  >  > Living And Legal Affairs In Thailand >  >  > Farming & Gardening In Thailand >  >  Oh Bullocks!

## somtamslap

The mrs must've been bartering with some magic beans on her last trip to the market. As oppose to bringing back a kilo of beef or whatever, I was greeted upon my return from work by this fucker..



I first thought it was a cow, jolly good..fresh milk of a morning..but then I saw that it was boasting a rather impressive set of knackers and a couple of horns coming from its bonce..a BULL, what the fuck is one supposed to do with a bull??

All it does, is eat, shit and piss, all in abundance..



I have a new found respect for dairy farmers..they must have one hell of a job keeping a whole farm-full in fodder, let alone clearing up the shite..one is hard enough, starts giving it large with the mooing if it hasn't got enough grass (pretty scary actually)..

It's about 14 months old....

On a more positive note..I'm quite fond of the smell of cow shit.

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## Fondles

> what the fuck is one supposed to do with a bull??

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## S Landreth

Make sure he is fed well (or grazes healthy grass) and then take him to the market (when hes a bit older). 

Pity it is just one,.cause youll probably grow fond of him and will not want to sell him off.

Oh you might want to have him cut,.better hes thinking about grass and not ass.

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## Norton

> better he’s thinking about grass and not ass.


Indeed.  Get rid of the T-shirt ASAP.

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## mobs00

Introduce the misses to the beauty of veal.

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## ItsRobsLife

Skinny thing isn't it, might just about have a kilo of meat on it.

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## somtamslap

Can't kill the poor blighter, it's got a name ffs.Jing Jai ..how long do they live?? Centuries I bet..





> Indeed. Get rid of the T-shirt ASAP


 Got roast beef sandwiches in that lunch box too..nothing personal, Jing Jai.

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## Norton

> Centuries I bet..


 5 or 6 years and he's likely just a memory.

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## S Landreth

> Can't kill the poor blighter, it's got a name ffs.Jing Jai ...


 
If he grows to a healthy animal (like the one pictured below),.youre gonna have a problem.

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## somtamslap

> If he grows to a healthy animal (like the one pictured below),….you’re gonna have a problem.


 He already breaks out into an alarming gallop..it's a bit worrying.



> All it does, is eat, shit and piss, all in abundance..


 I forgot about drink..just brought him back from the field and he downed about 15 lites of water in less than a minute..

Pretty good for keeping the grass down though.

So far, Jing Jai's attributes are a good lawn mowing technique and the smell of his cack..the downside is absolutely every other aspect of owning him.



> If he grows to a healthy animal


He eats for at least 12 hours a day..I'd say there's a good chance he could turn out like that..just what a needed in my life this..psychopathic cattle.

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## Norton

> psychopathic cattle.


Here ya go.  Only a few seconds and all sorted.  He'll be calm and gentle.  Don't wait til he gets too big though.  They kinda resent folks doing this.

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## S Landreth

^save them, they can be eaten (I don't but some people do),.............mountain oysters




> it's a bit worrying.


 
A bit?  :Smile:  One day the winds gonna be blowing right,…..he is going to get a sniff and just wait,………a horny bull. No 4 strand, 5 strand or 6 strand barbed wire fence will hold him back.  :mid: 

cut em and cut the horns, please,.... if you are going to keep him

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## somtamslap

^^ I'll get a local round to hack em off..not sure he'll make it look quite as easy as that though. That chap looked like he was working in a gonad removing factory.

Good suggestions chaps, thanks..

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## somtamslap

> cut em and cut the horns, please,.... if you are going to keep him


 Will do..,,I'll organise a 'castrator' asap.

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## Simon43

What to d with that bull?

How about grabbing his dongle and giving it a good hard chuckwow!!  Then you can sell his lovejuices to all the farms with cows... hear it can be a profitable busness...

Simon

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## jizzybloke

How much was he?

oh gawd i'm sounding all Thai now :mid:

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## somtamslap

> How about grabbing his dongle and giving it a good hard chuckwow!!


 Just choked on me beer then, Simon..I'll personally give that option a miss..but if baht is involved I'm sure the locals will be cuing to administer the hand job..although I'm gonna deknackerise the fucker so they won't have much joy..





> How much was he?


Free. The mrs took him from a family member who saw dollar signs but forgot about the feeding and clearing up the shit part

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## zubber

you milk him for his jizz and sell that on to breeders

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## chassamui

Put a ring through his nose and tether him where you want the grass kept short. They are not lawnmowers like sheep because they graze in a different way. Cattle curl the the tongue around a clump of grass and tear it up. Sheep nibble.
the dung is an excellent natural fertiliser.
If you get bored or pissed you could throw a saddle on it and go for a ride around your ranch. Good luck with it mate.

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## robuzo

Great thread.  He'll get ornery as hell if you don't make a steer out of him.

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## Thungsongsausage

> you milk him for his jizz and sell that on to breeders


A jizz farmer.

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## kingwilly

Ecellent thread, I look forward to new ones with interest, my bull just killed a thai, what should I do?

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## Nawty

Cut his gonads off and throw them on the bbq...

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## somtamslap

Anyone know how much the jizz goes for? Just out of interest?  :mid: 

Quite like the sound of that...Jism Farmer!! Got a certain ring to it.

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## Nawty

Call the sperm bank in Bangkok.....doubt they know the difference here.

Tell the girl that answeres you have several litres a week.

she might go all gah gah and want to help you fill the jug next week.

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## somtamslap

Yes, hello, is that the sperm bank?..yes, I have a vat of spunk ready for collection"

Got a few cattle farms in the area..might become a door to door spunk seller.

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## Mr R Sole

> I'm gonna deknackerise the fucker so they won't have much joy..


Bet that won't stop em'!!!!!  :mid:  ::spin::  :rofl: 




> If you get bored or pissed you could throw a saddle on it and go for a ride around your ranch. Good luck with it mate.


 :rofl:  :rofl:  :smiley laughing:  Can just see SS riding it to the boozer!!! That'd be great...Can I park this ere'????

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## kingwilly

There's a sperm bank in bangkok??? Surely there'd be a surplus of the stuff in bkk

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## Nawty

New biz idea....3am collection rounds from all st hotels...

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## Traxster

*Ooohhh I hope they gave the poor beast a local anasthetic shot.*

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## withnallstoke

> Ooohhh I hope they gave the poor beast a local anasthetic shot.


If they did that, somtam would sure as hell have a very sore arm collecting semen by hand.

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## Mr R Sole

Or would it end up massive like this guys??

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## somtamslap

Well, here I am after a hard day on the farm..

http://quietscheentchen.redsplash.de...ads/wanker.jpg

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## somtamslap

^Fuck, why can't I rip pics from the net anymore..damn this google chrome!!

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## DrB0b

> what the fuck is one supposed to do with a bull??


When he grows up a bit you can hitch him to a cart and drive him to the supermarket.

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## Spin

Sorry to say it but the things a dud. Too small for anybody to be interested in its sperm and male, so no offspring to sell. At best all you have there is a labour intensive pet  :Smile:

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## S Landreth

^glad you came along and said it first

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## somtamslap

> Sorry to say it but the things a dud


 Bullocks.




> Too small for anybody to be interested in its sperm and male, so no offspring to sell


Still only 14 months ish..



> At best all you have there is a labour intensive pet


It is, labour intensive to the max..literally gotta drag it home from the fields. He's a stubborn little fucker..take your hand off for a blade of grass.

Oh what to do?  

If I had a gun, I'd probably use it.

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## chedi

> Anyone know how much the jizz goes for? Just out of interest? 
> 
> Quite like the sound of that...Jism Farmer!! Got a certain ring to it.


the "jump" around 150 bath here in nakhon  phatom.
 :cmn:

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## Nawty

Some of the young boys in town would give it for free if it was female but

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## somtamslap

...fucking thing turns out to be a psycho. Semi charged at me when I was bringing it home from the field last night..fair enough I was tad aggressive with the rope, it was pissing it down and the bastard wanted to stop at and eat every blade of grass between my place and the field it'd be grazing in..

He started making those evil sounds that you hear them do in the cartoons..deep breathing out of the nostrils etc..then started fucking galloping towards me..needless to say I shat my pants in a big fucking way, dropped the rope and legged it, fast..

He's gone!! Out of here!

Vamoose out of my life you big horrible fucking thing.

I refuse to go near it anymore.

The mrs is useless in such situations..all the 'songsarn' bullshit..methinks that'll be forgotten when its carrying one of the neighbours down the road with a horn up the arse.

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## robuzo

LOL, thanks for the update.  It'll only get worse until you cut his balls off.

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## Propagator

> methinks that'll be forgotten when its carrying one of the neighbours down the road with a horn up the arse.


Right on the button

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## Deris

Look, buy a dog and kill the cow. Use the leather to make a nice chair or jacket and invite over you friends and family for a barbeque. A puppy will replace the affection toward the bull, let your lady pick it out.

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## withnallstoke

> let your lady pick it out.


She picked the bullock out. Very bad move.

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## Deris

Yea, forgot I read that.... if she picks the pup it will probably bite you and pee on your leg.....  :Smile:   jk

Perhaps you should pick up the pup after droping the bull at the butchers.

Good luck with this one.

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## nedwalk

get yourself a nice piece of 2'' polly pipe mate just over a metre long[depending on how brave you are] and any time the ferkin thing looks like dropping its head give it a good swipe across the snout, herd the beasty all the way to the deep freeze

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## somtamslap

> Perhaps you should pick up the pup


 Already got a dog..haven't seen the horrible bull for a couple of days now, it's definetly about though..I've seen fresh shit..I think someone is getting up early and getting it out of my sight before we have a ruck.





> get yourself a nice piece of 2'' polly pipe mate just over a metre long[depending on how brave you are] and any time the ferkin thing looks like dropping its head give it a good swipe across the snout


Aye, if it comes to the crunch..that thing is getting pasted.

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## Happyman

Seems that 'mad cow' disease is not confined to half the female population of Patong Bars then   :rofl: 




> fucking thing turns out to be a psycho

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## robuzo

> Seems that 'mad cow' disease is not confined to half the female population of Patong Bars then  
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
>  Originally Posted by somtamslap
> 
> fucking thing turns out to be a psycho


Got a good recipe for prairie oysters, Happyman?  I can imagine somtamslap coming home one night soaking wet, and feeling peckish and, finding the cupboard nearly bare:

Comes up with a couple of hamburger buns,
A small tin of baked beans,
A 2"cube of Danish Blue,
And a pair of bull testicles!

(Based on the  "Happyman Compendium of Quickie Recipes in Free Verse")

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## Deris

Find some of that ratan, solid bamboo, to whack it with if needed. My wife's father was almost killed by one of his bulls, if he didn't have that ratan stick and if the neighbor haden't come by he would have passed a full year ahead of time. (I say that because he did pass just over 3 months ago. Fell asleep by the pond and didn't wake up. Not a bad way to pass I guess.)

We made him sell the cows, he bought ducks....

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## withnallstoke

> Fell asleep by the pond and didn't wake up. Not a bad way to pass I guess.) We made him sell the cows, he bought ducks....


 :rofl:

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## S Landreth

> I think someone is getting up early and getting it out of my sight before we have a ruck.


Be careful,she might not be as fast as you (running away from that animal)

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## Mr R Sole

Chainsaw...sorted. 
Call me when it's done...
getting peckish already...remember my Mrs' burger's....they were Buffalo..but who gives a shi'te eh...
That's a lot of beef...I'll take a couple of Sir loins, sirloins please..  :rofl:

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## sadloser

Castrator: I found one of the dogs looking more than sorry for himself.

It seems her old man took a pair of scissors to the dog's knackers and cut the whole lot off. Snip!

The dog about a 4 years old is left with a large circular wound, bright red and with a grey hole at its centre. He licks at it, collapses when he runs and licks again.

Make sure you get somebody other than a moron with a rusty blade.

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## MeMock

Give it another 8 months and then do this to it.

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## withnallstoke

> Give it another 8 months and then do this to it


Isn't gangrape on animals against both the law and the moral code?

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## Deris

Just talk tou your lady and explain to her that the animal willonly become more agressive and you are frightened for HER safety. Then you may be able to perswade her to sell it, give it away or if your lucky to bring it to a butcher and make hamburger out of it.

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## astasinim

> Can just see SS riding it to the boozer!!! That'd be great...Can I park this ere'????

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## SunTzu

at least it won't be hard to figure out your next birthday gifts...




better wear that next to the beast, rather than your avatar T shirt...  :mid:

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## somtamslap

> Just talk tou your lady and explain to her that the animal willonly become more agressive and you are frightened for HER safety


 Oh believe me, that's the first card I played..no avail..I have since adopted a slightly more aggressive tone ..even worse..

It will go..one way or another, that's fucking 100 per cent fact..

Got home today and it was doing its usual eating shit..saw me, stopped eating and just stared...I gave him the same treatment back and he ponced out after about 30 seconds and went back to his poxy grass..

That makes it one each in my book.

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## Norton

> just stared...I gave him the same treatment back


Guess you showed him who's boss. :Smile:

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## withnallstoke

Boot the fucker in the bollocks and tell him to enjoy it, because next week he wont be able to.

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## somtamslap

> Guess you showed him who's boss


 Undoubtedly. His horns and huge testicles were no match for my piercing stare.





> Boot the fucker in the bollocks and tell him to enjoy it, because next week he wont be able to


I don't actually want to get to close to the fucker..he hates me, I hate him..although I might have a few too many ales on Friday night and offer the bastard a straightener..

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## withnallstoke

> although I might have a few too many ales on Friday night and offer the bastard a straightener..


Sell tickets. Falang bull fight, pikey style. Winner takes all. You go, or he goes.

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## somtamslap

> Falang bull fight, pikey style


 I'd start the proceedings with a head butt but I fear I may come off worse.

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## Norton

> His horns and huge testicles were no match for my piercing stare.


Mighty weapon you have there.  Must have took a bit of training to aim the evil eye with your back to the target.

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## somtamslap

^  :smiley laughing: 

That's about right actually..

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## Deris

I guess the next step is try to get one of her relatives to take it in, or back. 
   -or-
You could build a strong pen for it too, and get that thing snipped asap.

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## Mr R Sole

> Make sure you get somebody other than a moron with a rusty blade.


Gonna be a tricky one that here... :mid: 




> Isn't gangrape on animals against both the law and the moral code?


Nope, possitively encouraged..that's why it's called the land of smiles!!!!!

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## somtamslap

Round three took place this evening..fucker's playing mind games..check out the sheer brutality in that stare..



But the so called hard bastard shat it. At the end of the day, I'm the one with the fat end of a shovel in me hand and he can have it in his puss any time he fooking wants it.

Aye..get back to your grass yer puff..

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## crippen

Why the poor thing is just a baby! ::chitown::

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## S Landreth

^^Thing is tiny,get him some sweet feed

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## somtamslap

> Thing is tiny


I'd like to keep it that way too..in with a fighting chance that way.

Trust me the thing eats all day long..if he runs out of grub, the whole neighbourhood know about it.

Don't let looks deceive..it is a the devil reincarnate..that stare would be on your mantelpiece if you lived in a bedsit in hell.





> sweet feed


  What is it..just out of interest?

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## S Landreth

> What is it..just out of interest?


The poor thing should not be eating all day. There is reason he might be,..because hes not getting the nutrition from the grazing land you have him on. His body is telling him to eat, eat, eat,becuase hes not getting the nutrition he needs!

I just took this from a site to help you (there are many types). Sweet feed is used to help an animal get the nutrition he might not be getting from the poor grazing land you might have him on.

Just a warning,..hell like it, A LOT. If you do buy some for him,..dont let him see where you keep it. :Smile: 


_Processed grain by-products, roughage products, molasses products (this is the sweet part), grain products, calcium carbonate, salt, propionic acid (preservative), vitamin A supplement, vitamin D-3 supplement, ferrous sulfate, potassium iodide, manganous oxide, cobalt carbonate, sodium molybdate, manganese sulfate, sodium selenite_

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## somtamslap

^ appreciate your effort sir, another reason why it should not be here..we/I/everyone here has no clue about the needs of this beast..

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## withnallstoke

Might pop 'round your gaff in the morning and leave a gate or 2 open.

 ::chitown::

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## somtamslap

^ I don't want me leg wrapped in polythine..

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## pescator

Let it be known locally, that this creature is of high value due to it`s breeding.
You will have it stolen in no time. Gonads or not.
Problem solved and no dirt on your hands.

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## crippen

> Originally Posted by somtamslap
> 
> 
> What is it..just out of interest?
> 
> 
> The poor thing should not be eating all day. There is reason he might be,..because he’s not getting the nutrition from the grazing land you have him on. His body is telling him to eat, eat, eat,…becuase he’s not getting the nutrition he needs!
> 
> I just took this from a site to help you (there are many types). Sweet feed is used to help an animal get the nutrition he might not be getting from the poor grazing land you might have him on.
> ...


If you feed him this,be prepared to RUN FAST!!!   Race horses go mighty quick on this stuff,( And so do Stallions!) :mid:  ::chitown::

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## Mr R Sole

> Let it be known locally, that this creature is of high value due to it`s breeding. You will have it stolen in no time. Gonads or not. Problem solved and no dirt on your hands.




Contestant number one... :mid: 

Or could I suggest.....


If it turns out to be the 2nd option, give me a ring....with enough notice of course..

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## Norton

> we/I/everyone here has no clue about the needs of this beast..


Seems you do. He looks much improved.  The nuts are getting bigger by the day.  Testosterone war sure to follow.

Before.



After.

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## patsycat

His horns are growing too... nice and pointy...

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## somtamslap

> Or could I suggest.....


Nice suggestion mate..but I like the being thieved idea too...or accidentally forget to tie the rope when he's out in the fields behind..ta ta old chap...





> he looks much improved.


 He does actually..and that's just a month or so..

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## klongmaster

> accidentally forget to tie the rope when he's out in the fields behind..ta ta old chap...


Murphy's Law of course dictates that he would not scarper...if you valued him then of course he'd be off!..

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## HermantheGerman

What you need to do is build up a relation with your new buddy. Go out with him and have a few drinks. Pour him a stiff one, so he sees you with different eyes. And like most men in Thailand get a tatto of your new "Love".

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## somtamslap

^ Hehe..but that is blatantly a female, Herman...come on man..get with the thread.. :Smile: 

Saw this in town today...Bullock power is an option..

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## withnallstoke

> Bullock power is an option..


Bullock towing a horse towing a bloke towing two blokes. I wish you well in your new career.

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## Deris

For some reason this thread reminded me of this:

TIM: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth. 
ARTHUR: Where? 
TIM: There! 
ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit? 
TIM: It is the rabbit! 
ARTHUR: You silly sod! 
TIM: What? 
ARTHUR: You got us all worked up! 
TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. 
ARTHUR: Ohh. 
TIM: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. 
ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared! 
TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide; it's a killer! 
GALAHAD: Get stuffed! 
TIM: He'll do you up a treat mate! 
GALAHAD: Oh, yeah? 
ROBIN: You mangy scots git! 
TIM: I'm warning you! 
ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum? 
TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones! 
ARTHUR: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off! 
BORS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up! 
[ Rabbit flies at Bors’s throat and savages him to death } 
ROBIN: I done it again! 
TIM: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them-- 
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up! 
TIM: Do they listen to me? 


Replace Tim with Somtamslap and there you have it.  :Smile: 

It seems some people thiink that cute little animal is just a poor baby but SS knows the truth.

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## somtamslap

[QUOTE=Deris;1338141]For some reason this thread reminded me of this:

TIM: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth. 
ARTHUR: Where? 
TIM: There! 
ARTHUR: What, behind the cow? 
TIM: Are you blind? It's a fucking bull! 
ARTHUR: You silly sod! 
TIM: What? 
ARTHUR: You got us all worked up! 
TIM: Well, that's no ordinary bull. 
ARTHUR: Ohh. 
TIM: Fucker charged at me the other day..shat meself, I did. 
ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared! 
TIM: Look, that bull's got a vicious streak a mile wide; it's a killer! 
GALAHAD: Get stuffed! 
TIM: He'll tear you an new arse hole, look at the fucking size of his horns! 
GALAHAD: Oh, yeah? 
ROBIN: You mangy scots git! 
TIM: Look, he's staring at you! 
ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum? 
TIM: He's got a huge pair of testicles and he doesn't stop eating..look at all the grass in front of him. 
ARTHUR: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off! 
BORS: Right! Pass me the gun..one Boeuf Burganore coming up. 
[ Bull flies at Borss throat and savages him to death } 
ROBIN: I done it again! 
TIM: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bull, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them-- 
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up! 
TIM: Do they listen to me? 


Kind of rings true.. :Smile:

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## Deris

So, how's that cow doing?

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## somtamslap

Since you mention it...its fucking mooing got so out of hand yesterday evening I felt sufficiently moved to attack it with a satsuma segment, which after bouncing off his head he promptly tried to eat..another form of attack is obviously required.

I've successfully managed to poison at least two thirds of friends and family against him with stories of potential maiming and buggery..but that doesn't stop him from turning into a big bastard and signs of psychotic behaviour increasing daily.

On the plus side, I've recently dug out a big vegetable patch and used about 50 kilos of his shit to fertilise it.

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## Deris

> On the plus side, I've recently dug out a big vegetable patch and used about 50 kilos of his shit to fertilise it.


A silver lining, perhaps you can sell the fertilizer to the neighbors?

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## somtamslap

^ Not enough shit from one bullock..thing is, I'd really like a few cows for their milk and shit..maybe in the future.

Anyway..this bullock saga has taken a quite delightful turn for the better.  Since I've stopped helping fetch its fodder and been a mere sniggering spectator to people walking out into the fields with sickles and Hessian sacks to collect the grass, the biiiatch in law has deemed it necessary for the orrible bugger to live out the rest of it's days at the temple...yes....THE TEMPLE!!  We've all obviously heard of the 'Wat dogs and cats'..now we have a fucking bullock on its way...could this be a first?!

Anyway..It will be taken in this week. I'm days away from victory..

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## robuzo

^Amazing he's still around at all, expected to read he was laab by now.

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## SunTzu

> the biiiatch in law has deemed it necessary for the orrible bugger to live out the rest of it's days at the temple...yes....THE TEMPLE!!


I got a hamster I dont want to take care of anymore... may be we should bring them in on the same day. For some kind of balance...
 :Aussie:

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## patsycat

I'm sure you will miss him so much that after a few days you'll go and bring him home.

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## ralphinlaos

Well, I'm thinking of buying a baby water buffalo (there's a small river flowing through my property).  They seem to be pretty docile, don't they?  Even when full grown?

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## S Landreth

> Well, I'm thinking of buying a baby water buffalo. They seem to be pretty docile, don't they? Even when full grown?


 
Fvck no! They make cattle shiver.

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