#  >  > Living And Legal Affairs In Thailand >  >  > Farming & Gardening In Thailand >  >  The Isaan Farmhand

## somtamslap

It's usually at this time of the year, directly after the rainy season, that the bread and butter, or should I say rice and fish sauce of the village, comes in the form of what the locals refer to as _huck kaport_ which literally translates into 'snap corn'.
Every unskilled farmhand worth his salt can be found gathering early in the AM around local shops, imbibing motivational tipples of Lao Khao before a hard day's work consumes. 

But is it really that hard? Are these folks really pulling there skeletal torsos when it comes to a day's labour in the sun-scorched fields of Issan?
 Corn (invariably animal feed around here rather than sweetcorn) harvesters are paid 40 baht per large hessian sackful and usually work in in boyfriend/girlfriend or husband and wife teams. Surely there is scope here to live relatively well with the option of saving a few shillings for a rainy day...but their perpetually empty wallets would suggest otherwise.

So when a neighbour visited us a few weeks ago complaining that he had 8 rai of corn ready for harvesting but he'd have to wait for a team of workers to finish their current project, I took this as a perfect opportunity to infiltrate the third world unskilled labour sector.

He agreed, naturally, and I would commence work the following morning.

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## WilliamBlake

> perfect opportunity to infiltrate the third world unskilled labour sector.


SCAB!

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## somtamslap

So the next morning I rose at 7 'o clock and as part of the farmhand's protocol went to the local shop. Surrounded by my irritable peers who had yet to consume their sufficient quota of alcohol, I forewent the lao khao ritual in favour of a 6 baht bottle of Dutch Mill Fruits of the Forest and headed back towards my place of work.
My initial attire for this project consisted of a pair of trainers, tracksuit bottoms, a t-shirt and a baseball cap..but I would soon find these totally inadequate.

Not much of a view in the fields..

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## Bettyboo

I hope this thread warms up a bit...

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## somtamslap

By the time my self-allocated lunch hour, 1pm, had rolled around, I looked back at an unsatisfactory trail of destruction. 



Not only had the morning been spent unproductively but I was also in a fair amount of pain. My hands looked like they'd been grated and my arms were on fire as a result of a cloudless sky. 

I went to the local restaurant, consoled myself with a bowl of noodle soup and pondered a plan of attack for the afternoon.

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## WilliamBlake

> a t-shirt





> and my arms were on fire


Before you hit 'the shop' tonight, better hit the chemist for some Vitamin E or aloe vera cream. You're gonna be in a world of pain.

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## somtamslap

I made a slight alteration to my attire by putting on a jumper and continued working for the rest of the afternoon - absolutely dripping with sweat. By the time the sun began to set even the flies started to find me offensive and I was rather hoping the natural repellent I was omitting would stave off any neighbourhood snakes. I hadn't seen any yet but they were around for sure - the amount of damage to certain sections of the field caused by rats and mice suggested that Curtis the Cobra was here with an abundant following.

Day two arrived and after breakfasting on another six bahts worth of Dutch Mill, I began work again. The power of the sun deemed it prudent for me to make a beeline towards one of the few mango trees on the field where shade could be sort.

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## Bettyboo

> Day two arrived and after breakfasting on another six bahts worth of Dutch Mill, I began work again.


You went back for more??? Fuking lunatic...

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## WilliamBlake

Monsieur Slap, you've skipped the most important part: what are you actually doing? What is your modus operandi vis~a~vis the harvesting of the crop? Are you facing it down with bare hands or employing some kind of post bronze-age weaponry? Take us through the process from go to whoah, if you would.

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## somtamslap

The spoils after two days of hard work..



Very little. About three sacks worth infact. So approximately 16 hours of labour I have managed to reap the princely total of 120 baht..or 60 baht per day, if you like.

I must be doing something fundamentally wrong. I would have to make some stealthy inquiries at the shop.

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## somtamslap

> Monsieur Slap, you've skipped the most important part: what are you actually doing? What is your modus operandi vis~a~vis the harvesting of the crop?


 Just getting to that, Will..

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## Bettyboo

^ don't do it; you can get 50 baht per hour for teaching English in that neck of the woods; 16 hours would be 800 baht - I know you'd be moving down the evolutionary scale, but think of the inreased money!

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## somtamslap

That evening I went to the local shop under the pretense of liberating a pair of yoghurts, a pound of tomatoes and a yard of Ya-Dong. But pumping the local farmers for corn yielding information was my main purpose:

*At the Shop*

Slap: Hey, buddy. How was your day?

Professional Farmhand: Oh, you know, so, so.

Slap: So, you've been harvesting the ol corn have you?

PF: Everyday. Every _fucking_ day!

Slap: How many sacks (ka-sorb to the locals) did you fill today?

PF: Only 18. 

Slap: WHAT? How the fuck did you do that? No, really, how the FUCK did you do that?

PF: I normally manage 20 but I'm getting old.

Slap: You do this alone??

PF: No, with my wife. I throw the corn into several large piles and she takes the husks off.

Slap: I seeeeeeeeeee...

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## The Fresh Prince

Get grandma on the case.

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## Bettyboo

^ that's incest...

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## somtamslap

After recieving a stare which could floor a lesser indivdual from my wife, I concluded that I should make certain alterations should I wish to make this venture more productive. Now sporting garb which included a balaclava and a pair of woolen gloves, day three started with a spirited charge into the middle of the corn field...'Come on then, you TWAT'

I took heed of the wizened codger's words and rather than separate the corn from the husks as I went, threw them into unhusked piles thus:



This started to work quite nicely in my favour. I'd spend the morning creating piles like a corn crazed lunatic and the afternoon separating the corn from their husks (I used a pencil to free them) whilst listening to audio books on my mobile phone.

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## somtamslap

This is past tense, gents. The jobs already been done...

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## The Fresh Prince

Steal one of these from somewhere and move it around the field and work underneath it.



Then when the locals start to get jealous set up a stall next to your local shop and start selling them. :Smile:

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## somtamslap

As the days and indeed weeks went by, I became more efficient. 2 Sacks in 2 days turned into 2 sacks per day, then 3 then 4 then 5..

I was beginning to thoroughly enjoy it, which is possibly reflected in the ever increasing pile..



and the now fallow field..

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## OhOh

> he had 8 rai of corn ready


From the illustrations there doesn't seem to be much of an impact on the 8 rai, That "shade" tree seems to be in them all. how much, in rai, are you clearing each day.

Why don't you leave the stalks standing and just slice off the husks?

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## somtamslap

^^ We've got one of those..didn't think to bring it out though. I may have been shot for resembling a homosexualist.

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## OhOh

Bet your tool is as big as this.

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## somtamslap

> Why don't you leave the stalks standing and just slice off the husks?


 So you can see where you've been..

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## withnallstoke

> I may have been shot for resembling a homosexualist.


Resembling?

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## somtamslap

Conclusion:

The life of an Issan farmhand is by no means easy, but if you are cautious with regards to the weather and wear the correct clothing, limit yourself to Lao Khao on a little and often basis and most imporatntly of all, have a large selection of audio books and podcasts on your mobile telephone, you can live a rich and fulfilling existance.

Also..you show me a fat farmhand and I'll show you a fucking gland complaint.

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## OhOh

A photo of you leaving for work in your "gear" and one when you return home would be interesting to many I believe. Along with photos of your tools and lunch basket.

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## somtamslap

> Along with photos of your tools and lunch basket.


 Tools..packet of smokes, a stick and a bottle of water x 10



Lunch - noodle soup daily.

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## palexxxx

Did you end up seeing any snakes?

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## can123

It's not a very interesting stick, is it ? Rather small and insignificant and, I believe, inadequate for killing cobras.

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## somtamslap

> Did you end up seeing any snakes?


 Not a one. What with all the corn which had been feasted on by rats, they were surely in the area though.

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## can123

> Originally Posted by palexxxx
> 
> Did you end up seeing any snakes?
> 
> 
>  Not a one. What with all the corn which had been feasted on by rats, they were surely in the area though.


This might seem a daft question but where do the snakes come from ? The field is cultivated so, presumably, they do not actually live in it ? Do they live in hedgerows ? Do they travel far ? 

I used to live in the Railway Village in Pattaya and I saw a long black/brown snake crossing the road near a very built-up area when I was driving home. So, I realise that they can be anywhere but where are they most likely to be ? Is there ordinarily a good chance of seeing such a snake in a cultivated field in daytime ?

Sorry for all the questions but I am really interested in knowing about these things.

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## somtamslap

> This might seem a daft question but where do the snakes come from ?


 A thicket surrounds the whole cultivated area where the rats seemed to be at their busiest. So in there, I would've thought.

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## OhOh

Now you've cleared the field have you thought of putting one of these in, just next to the shade tree?

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## OhOh

> I used to live in the Railway Village


Is that you on the right?

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## can123

^
I am just out of shot. Jenny Agutter is sitting on my face and I was making the sound effects for the steam trains.

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## OhOh

^ same as one of my dreams. :Smile: 

She was always getting her kit off I remember.

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## Crepitus

Sometamslap...love your _off the wall_ threads...thx


found this..,maybe more profitable for all your hard work.
.....or put in your vinegar sandwich sort of like cress but maybe won't leave green bits in ya teeth???

 The entire corn plant has long been used in American Indian cultures for medicinal and nutritional purposes. In particular the cornsilk can be used to treat urinary disorders. Because cornsilk has such a high concentration of potassium (Vitamin  K), it is a powerful diuretic. It can be used to treat many problems  with the urinary tract. It is helpful for kidney stones, cystitis, and  problems with urine flow.
 In China, cornsilk is often used to treat fluid retention and even jaundice.
 Research has shown that cornsilk may cause the production of bile and  improve liver function. Chinese research has shown that cornsilk can  also lower blood pressure and improve blood-clotting.

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## Agent_Smith

^^I think every Somtamslap thread should have a random nude pic posted in it, like a trademark or something.

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## WilliamBlake

> and most imporatntly of all, have a large selection of audio books and podcasts on your mobile telephone, you can live a rich and fulfilling existance.


What sort of phone do you have?

I may need a new one soon... for the harvest season, you understand.

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## withnallstoke

> I think every Somtamslap thread should have a random nude pic posted in it


They usually have pictures of gentlemen in underwear, so female nudity is a welcome change.

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## somtamslap

> What sort of phone do you have?


 Just a Nokia 3110c..it's served me well considering I've dropped and drenched it so many times.



> They usually have pictures of gentlemen in underwear,


 Yes, Betsy appears to be obsessed with the male form.

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## Borey the Bald

You really need to work on your technique:

 *The 2000 Illinois State President, Dick Humes, timing for  Hank Endres. Hank was one of the four people to pick 50 bushels in an 80  minute contest during the 1940's.

I saw a video somewhere of this guy picking corn.  Truly amazing.
*

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## palexxxx

This guy here is pretty quick.

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## donald36

Another priceless insight into Issan rural life --always funny because it so accurately reflects the real world ,I  look forward to your continuing threads

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## somtamslap

^ Thanks, Donald and you're welcome!




> This guy here is pretty quick.


 Cheers for the vid..he'd make a killing round here.

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## yortyiam

I have to admire you Somtamslap!
Joking apart thats really hard work, in that heat added to that the (very) likely chance of a snakebite. I got to ask tho; just how good did the first couple of A.I.B.A's go down? I sure would have bought you one of 'em.

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## OhOh

You notice the world champion does not cut down the stalks as suggested earlier. He also only appears to pull off the husks which are at an easy height.

If "Team Somtamslap" adopted that procedure they would surely win at least the Isaan Regional Finals.

The best procedure would be to have a felang at the front for the higher husks, a GF/Wife behind for the lower husks, a ten year old cutting the stalks. Doing it in the snow would also stop the locals from dropping off for a snooze.

Do we not have any ex sports coaches that would like to manage "Team Somtamslap". The next Asian Olympics will be putting "Corn harvesting" up for inclusion I hear.

What other Asian "sports" would the Thai nation win a gold medal for?

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## somtamslap

> just how good did the first couple of A.I.B.A's go down?


 There's no doubt about it, hard physical labour makes beer taste so much nicer. The first one inparticular went down like a fresh trickle from a mountain spring. Devine.






> You notice the world champion does not cut down the stalks as suggested earlier.


 I'd suggest there was someone out of shot doing the job for him. Proffesionals are only interested in the Yellow..

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## withnallstoke

> Do we not have any ex sports coaches that would like to manage "Team Somtamslap".


I'm busy.
He's on his own this time.

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## OhOh

> Originally Posted by OhOh
> 
> Do we not have any ex sports coaches that would like to manage "Team Somtamslap".
> 
> 
> I'm busy.
> He's on his own this time.


You get to audition the cheerleaders!

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## withnallstoke

> You get to audition the cheerleaders!


Last time i auditioned them, all they could sing was "you fat bastard", as they juggled their own beer bellies.

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## OhOh

maybe because they were Aston Villa fans.

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## Rural Surin

> ^ that's incest...


Not in Slap's case.

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## Carrabow

Are you sure you were not supervising this endeavor?

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## Stumpy

Hey Som, What did you do with all your hard earned money?

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## rubik101

That video was just about the worst waste of 2 minutes and one second of my entire existence. Taking a dump is more satisfying than watching that! :kma:  :kma:

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## Happy Dave

> You notice the world champion does not cut down the stalks as suggested earlier. He also only appears to pull off the husks which are at an easy height.
> 
> If "Team Somtamslap" adopted that procedure they would surely win at least the Isaan Regional Finals.
> 
> The best procedure would be to have a felang at the front for the higher husks, a GF/Wife behind for the lower husks, a ten year old cutting the stalks. Doing it in the snow would also stop the locals from dropping off for a snooze.
> 
> Do we not have any ex sports coaches that would like to manage "Team Somtamslap". The next Asian Olympics will be putting "Corn harvesting" up for inclusion I hear.
> 
> What other Asian "sports" would the Thai nation win a gold medal for?


ATM tapping..........Female comp only !      :sexy:

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## ota

how old are you mate?

Ota

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## thrilled

i'd have a combine,i would labor on that stuff.your a better man than me.

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## somtamslap

> Hey Som, What did you do with all your hard earned money?


 Drank it. It's protocol didn't you know, JP!






> how old are you mate?


 34, so still able to muster some fairly effective bursts of energy.

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## padova44

You are to be commended most highly for the going-native routine but as a source of new info for us farang, your commentary is near to useless.  Did the workers have someone to chat to all day, a Thai necessity?  What were the tools?  Did you break for lunch?  In the fields?  How long did it take to get to the cornfields?  Did you walk?  Did everyone nap?  When did you start working?  When did you finish?  Was there a communal meal when all was over?  Was the corn sold at all?  What ate the corn and who owned whatever ate the corn?  The huskers?  eccetera, eccetera, eccetera.

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## somtamslap

> Did the workers have someone to chat to all day


 mentioned that.



> What were the tools?


 Mentioned that.





> Did you break for lunch?


 Mentioned that.






> How long did it take to get to the cornfields?


 About two seconds. Field backs onto my garden.








> Did you walk?


 This would vary. Sometimes I'd skip. Sometimes I'd mince. Sometimes I'd jump. Sometimes I'd do a series of head over heels.






> When did you finish?


 Between 5 and 6pm, although I thought I'd mentioned that.






> When did you start working?


 Mentioned that.





> Was there a communal meal when all was over?


 No, I was working alone for the most part.






> Was the corn sold at all?


 Indeed it was.






> What ate the corn and who owned whatever ate the corn?


 Animals of some description and bugger knows.

Thanks for the queries. Let me know if you fancy a working holiday and I'll see what I can do. Great way to lose weight/get fit etc.

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## grasshopper

Jubilation T. Cornpone, old worried and worn Pone aka STS?

The Thos Hardy of Isaan, na?

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## withnallstoke

> The Thos Hardy of Isaan, na?


Was Hardy a fat drunk?

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## somtamslap

Seriously, anyone up for losing a pile of weight and getting fit, pay me 10 grand, I'll sort you out free grub and a roof over your head, and guaranteed fitnees within a fortnight or yer wonger back.

Any takers?

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## The Fresh Prince

What is on the menu?

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## somtamslap

> What is on the menu?


 Fish and vegetables twice a day, you buy your own beer...you don't, repeat DON'T have to stop drinking lager for this diet to work.

You will walk away RIPPED! Unless you're really fat, in which case you'll walk away a little bit wobbly.

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## withnallstoke

> You will walk away RIPPED!


Enough about sphincters already.

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## The Fresh Prince

> you buy your own beer





> pay me 10 grand


Thats a load of bollox. Why isn't beer included? :Smile:

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## somtamslap

^^ Knew you'd say that. I know granny had her wicked way with that 15 inch strap-on last time you were here.

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## somtamslap

> Why isn't beer included


 Because I don't want to encourage my clients to drink it. The ol LK, on the other hand, is totally congratis.

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## Stumpy

[QUOTE=somtamslap;1966923]


> Hey Som, What did you do with all your hard earned money?


 Drank it. It's protocol didn't you know, JP!

NFS.....and here I was saving it. 

I made a very slick and simple clothes drying rack out of PVC pipe for my wonderful laundry washer. She loves it, no more blow overs and can dry all bedding in one time. Anyway lady across the street saw it and told her friend. She came by and asked me to make her one, I made 200 bht on the deal. I saved it......F that, I am off to buy 2 big Leo's and some fried pork skins. I am gonna live a little

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## withnallstoke

^ It's got to be Lau Kau.

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## somtamslap

> It's got to be Lau Kau.


 Although Ya Dong is largely acceptable and the accompanying light bite should cost no more than five baht, in an ideal world.

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## sunsetter

how much did you cop from the crop slap?

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## somtamslap

^ Personally I walked away with about two large in me pocket...not the best of returns.

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## The Fresh Prince

> two large


20 baht?

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## somtamslap

> 20 baht?


 It may as well have been. That's another positive aspect of my 'Working Holidays Isaan' product. Lose weight, gain soul.

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## Stumpy

> Originally Posted by withnallstoke
> 
> It's got to be Lau Kau.
> 
> 
>  Although Ya Dong is largely acceptable and the accompanying light bite should cost no more than five baht, in an ideal world.


Really?  Come on...Please say it aint so!!!!! I did that taste test about 4 months back, Remember??? It was god awful. My hard earned 200 bht to be spent on rot gut? 

Now I will say the taste test was not a total loss. I poured the rest into my moto to use as fuel. Thing ran psycho. No shit

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## somtamslap

> Remember???


 Yes. Damn fine effort that was, JP. The next natural step forward would be a large glass of Ya-Dong...

Another obstacle has recently take residence on the land..5 million new lodgers...

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## withnallstoke

Throw a cat at it.

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## Stumpy

> Originally Posted by JPPR2
> 
> Remember???
> 
> 
>  Yes. Damn fine effort that was, JP. The next natural step forward would be a large glass of Ya-Dong...
> 
> Another obstacle has recently take residence on the land..5 million new lodgers...


I'll see your .5 million new lodgers and raise you some big fucken hornets

[/IMG]

[/IMG]

I founds these SOB's will trimming my hedges. It was a volleyball size nest and boy are they quick to become irritable fuckers. I took out one with my hand as it tried to poke a hole in me with it hypodermic sized stinger. The queen is even bigger.

I am looking into Ya Dong tonight........ I want to spend my money where I get the biggest ROI.

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## somtamslap

> I founds these SOB's will trimming my hedges.


 OOch. Are they still there?

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## somtamslap

> Throw a cat at it.


  :smiley laughing:  It's a fucking great idea.

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## Stumpy

> Originally Posted by JPPR2
> 
> I founds these SOB's will trimming my hedges.
> 
> 
>  OOch. Are they still there?


Well the irony. I soaked a rag in Lao Khao, lit it and draped on the nest with a long ass stick and burned them out(just kidding, I used gas). 

It was quite a site. Some were flying away with their wings on fire until they plummeted to the ground with no wings. The new meaning of 'Fireflys" 

The neighbors watched with my GF from afar while saying  "The Farang is Ba". I am making friends fast in my new neighborhood. A neighbor asked my Gal if I could take out the hornets nest in their yard. I will do it next week. I have a better plan for them

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## Stumpy

> Originally Posted by withnallstoke
> 
> Throw a cat at it.
> 
> 
>   It's a fucking great idea.


Green on the way, I hate cats. Make sure to get the cat riled up. When it hits the tree out of self preservation it will have claws out and stick for a fraction  of a second. The bees will do the rest....

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## sunsetter

get the missus to video it next time, those hornets sting bad......

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## Stumpy

> get the missus to video it next time, those hornets sting bad......


I might just do that. I found in my investigation here that even Thai folks are afraid to mess with these violent aggressive hornets.

Tech info on these bastards.

* Hornet stings are more painful to humans than typical wasp stings because hornet venom contains a large amount (5%) of acetylcholine

* At the peak of its population, the colony can reach a size of 700 workers, which occurs in late summer.

* Hornets can mobilize the entire nest to sting in defense, which is highly dangerous to anything in close proximity

* The Asian banded hornet has been known to chase people up to 1/2 a mile stinging multiple times.


So here is the trick, these big bastards cannot fly at night. Wait until night time when they are at home watching a lakorn and destroy  the nest. Water works well in a jet stream but it is more fun to burn them. The nest is essentially paper and burns quickly. Never try and destroy the nest during the day unless you like the thrill of being chased by 50 to 250 of these things. They are HUGE. I have destroyed 3 thus far with 4 coming up soon. I see a lucrative business building here. 100 baht a nest.

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## withnallstoke

Hornet nests are best dealt with whilst they are bladdered on Lau Kau.

If you have difficulty getting the hornets bladdered, drink it yourself.

Always get somebody else to do the dirty work.

Don't take hornets honey. It's probably just bees piss.

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## sunsetter

went through a hornets nest, one of the big paper ones in mark webbers back garden with a hedge cutter, got done 9 times in the head but them fcukers, passed out, lucky really, i couldve copped it worse... also got hit by one of those in the pic up in darkest issan, dead arm for a few days, throbbed so bad i couldnt sleep on the first night

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## OhOh

> I made a very slick and simple clothes drying rack out of PVC pipe for my wonderful laundry washer


If blue, pipe pictures would be nice, if not don't bother :Smile: 

I am starting to invest in this specialised art market. It seems the Japanese have moved on from European paintings now.

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## Stumpy

> Originally Posted by JPPR2
> 
> I made a very slick and simple clothes drying rack out of PVC pipe for my wonderful laundry washer
> 
> 
> If blue, pipe pictures would be nice, if not don't bother
> 
> I am starting to invest in this specialised art market. It seems the Japanese have moved on from European paintings now.


Ohoh,

It did happen to be blue. Here is a pic. Took about an hour to make up. Interesting. I have another request to build one. It really works good for bedding. 

I am excited. Another 200 "Fat" ones and I did not have to spend all day in the field like Som. In fact there is a perk, I get a little buzz from the solvent glue. :Smile: 

[/IMG]

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## OhOh

> In fact there is a perk, I get a little buzz from the solvent glue.


Ah, the memories just fade away.

To be serious, how do you feel about managing the Thai "Blue Pipe" team if I can get this into the next Asian Olympics?

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## Stumpy

> Originally Posted by JPPR2
> 
> In fact there is a perk, I get a little buzz from the solvent glue.
> 
> 
> Ah, the memories just fade away.
> 
> To be serious, how do you feel about managing the Thai "Blue Pipe" team if I can get this into the next Asian Olympics?


Sign me up....I have nothing but time on my hands......

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## Farangbaba

Last year, after retiring and moving back to Issan, I went rice and corn cutting, on my wifes' farm.
I started out about 117 Kgs in body mass, and I do mean mass, and finished the season, 95Kgs. So I can absolutely confirm the benefits of working in the fields in sunny Issan. By the way, being as it is my wifes' crop I didn't receive any monetary payment, only the health improvement, a good deal nontheless.
P.S. I used a flat, sharp stick to separate the corn from the husk, sticking it into the top of the cob and splitting the husk, thereby allowing easy stripping down of said husk. :St George:

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## OhOh

> P.S. I used a flat, sharp stick to separate the corn from the husk, sticking it into the top of the cob and splitting the husk, thereby allowing easy stripping down of said husk.


We are still looking for a manager for the Thai Corn Harvesting Olympic Team. A training video would get you up with the present incumbent, possibly usurping him. Post it here and we will run a poll.

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## Carrabow

> Last year, after retiring and moving back to Issan, I went rice and corn cutting, on my wifes' farm.
> I started out about 117 Kgs in body mass, and I do mean mass, and finished the season, 95Kgs. So I can absolutely confirm the benefits of working in the fields in sunny Issan. By the way, being as it is my wifes' crop I didn't receive any monetary payment, only the health improvement, a good deal nontheless.
> P.S. I used a flat, sharp stick to separate the corn from the husk, sticking it into the top of the cob and splitting the husk, thereby allowing easy stripping down of said husk.


C'mon now... you worked in the corn fields. You should have rolled in the hay too  :Smile:

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