A middle aged couple are at the marriage guidance councilors,
"Is your sex life OK?" asked the councilor.
"I think so," replied the husband, we have a very traditional sex life, she has a headache and I have a wank."
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A middle aged couple are at the marriage guidance councilors,
"Is your sex life OK?" asked the councilor.
"I think so," replied the husband, we have a very traditional sex life, she has a headache and I have a wank."
Some quotes.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."--Al Gore, Vice President
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."--Mariah Carey
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"I love California .. I practically grew up in Phoenix ...."-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
^ Why post in white? makes it impossible to read.
All the posts are in white on my screen, everything on this site has a dark blue background, black does not show up against it.Quote:
Originally Posted by VocalNeal
Is yours different ?
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed .....so we're just waiting.
What Scotlands favourite film?
Home alone
I spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife, she was delighted,
I spent another £2000 on a nose job for her she was ecstatic.
I spent £2000 on liposuction for her, she was over the moon.
I spent £30 on a blow job for myself.She goes mental....... Women?!?!?!
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, then she got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing bj ever.... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before!
Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest Irishman to have lived.
He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.
:rofl:
The old ones are usually the best
:chitown:
I invited my Irish Grandma round to my new house. She paid me a visit and stormed off saying she wouldn't stay in house that didn't keep a copy of the bible.
A week later I rung up "Grandma I'm sorry dear, I went to mass on Sunday and while I was there I bought a copy of the Good News Bible to keep at home."
"Good !" she replied "And make sure you read the fucker you heathen c*nt!"
bet I'm older then you!Quote:
The old ones are usually the best
^ May I have your Zimmer Frame when you're done?
Cancer research scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves...
oooohhh nooooooooo :rofl:
Probably asked for a smoke, first thing...
I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."
I'm writing a book about Joseph Fritzel, think it'll be a best cellar ?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2015/11/1147.jpgQuote:
Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt
A few tommy cooper ones:
My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!
A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians
Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you.
I'm on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days!
An American, an Italian, a Turk and an Oirishman...
American: I'm proud of our CIA. they know what is happening in the world, often before it happens.
Italian: I'm proud of our women. They're the most beautiful and proud and not easy to be "had".
Turk: I'm proud of our carpets, true works of art. No one can make carpets of such high quality.
Then they all looked at the silent Irishman, waiting for his response. They asked: "What are you proud of?"
Irishman: I'm proud of myself lads. Last week I screwed an Italian woman on a Turkish carpet...
And the CIA knew nothing about it !!!
How do You start a Small Aboriginal Business?
Start a Big one First!
I bought this watch the other day. It was waterproof, scratchproof, shockproof.Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
It caught fire.
^
That one deserves a red.
I can't believe how shallow women on dating sites can be.
I'd been chatting to this girl for a while and we were getting on ok, but then she turned round and said she wasn't interested, JUST because of the type of car I live in.
At our Battle of Bosworth re-enactment society practice meeting this weekend, I was horrified to see the local Big Issue seller wearing the red rose of the House of Lancaster.
Cheeky bastard; everybody knows that beggars can't be Tudors.
You can't red a Tommy Cooper joke, you poorly educated slubberdegullion.Quote:
Originally Posted by Iceman123
"My wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet'. I said, 'chocolate fudge'."
"I went to see my doctor and he said 'I want you to lie down on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I want to sweep up.'"
"I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'"
"I said to a waiter: “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”"
This guy walked up to me the other night and said: “Quick, did you see a policeman around here?” I said no. He said: “Good. Stick’em up.”
Indeed. :ourrules:Quote:
Originally Posted by harrybarracudaYou can't red a Tommy Cooper joke,Quote:
Originally Posted by Iceman123
I've got a friend who worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic Converter
Creating a TD password
cabbage
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
boiled cabbage
Sorry. the password must contain 1 numerical character.
1 boiled cabbage
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
50FUCKINgboiledcabbages
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon't GiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
NowIamGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbage sShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, that password is already in use!
I've got a genetic predisposition for diarrhea
It runs in my jeans
When I was in my twenties I used to go out drinking all weekend, Vodka Redbull, Aftershocks, Stella by the gallon, Tequila chasers for two days solid and wake up with soiled sheets clueless as to how I'd got there.
I can get the same effect off two cups of tea these days.
I told my wife that she'd drawn her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
My local cinema are showing a one off James Bond film for the dyslexic society.
Respect!
There are 10 types of people, those that can read binary and those that can't
110111
:):):):):)
0000001000101011