I forgot to do my yoga this morning , that makes 8 years in a row.
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I forgot to do my yoga this morning , that makes 8 years in a row.
I went into a record shop and said "Have you got anything by The Doors?"
He said "Yes a sand bucket and a fire extinguisher"
Did you know 3-4 beers a day reduces the risk of you giving a shit.
I was in a shoe shop and tried on a shoe. I said to the assistant "it's too tight".
He said "Try it with the tongue out", I said "It'th no nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight".
How can you tell if it's a folksinger at the door?
He can't find the right key, and he doesn't know when to come in.
"You know," said the doctor, "in cases like this, when the due date has passed, it's often possible to induce labour with a good session of vigorous intercourse."
"I couldn't care less," I replied. "Get the fuck off my wife."
Playing doctor and nurses with the wife last night did not go very well....
Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese...
What did the leper say to the prostitute ?
"Keep the tip"
^ that's horrible!!!
Did you hear about the leper that had a wank?
God knows how he pulled it off.
When a leper messages you LMFAO there's a good chance they might be telling the truth.
My wife got diagnosed with leprosy today. That explains why the bathroom soap has been getting bigger recently.
When I was young, people used to tell me that if I masturbated, my dick would fall off. Life was tough growing up at the leper colony.
I'm sorry... :)
Why did the prostitute leave the leper colony?
Business was dropping off!
What's the difference between a prostitute and a bowling ball ?
You can't fit a prostitute in a bowling ball
Did you here the one about the Indian gentleman who wanted to emigrate to Canada?
When asked why he said "Because he wanted to join the Mountain Police.
A guy had a vasectomy to stop his wife getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the colour of the baby.
DIVORCE
:wtf: ???Quote:
Originally Posted by VocalNeal
Four retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p”. They go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. They walk in and the bartender says"What'll it be gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time he serves up four superb iced martinis. "That'll be 10p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay up, but their curiosity gets the better of them. One of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for just 10p a go?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lotto Jackpot of £25 million and decided to open this place. I don't wish to make a profit, so every drink costs 10p, wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" says one of the old guys.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing some people at the end of the bar who haven't ordered a thing since they've been there. Nodding at them at the end of the bar, one of the old guys asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh they're down from Scotland. They're waiting for Happy Hour, when drinks are half-price”. :)
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, " When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of idiot put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.....:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmffgIqlAYA :smileylaughing:
cujo will be along shortly Kevin. Expect a good telling off.....
:smileylaughing::smileylaughing:Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
Aye, that he will.Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
I am my wife's 3rd husband. Her first died of mushroom poisoning. Her 2nd of head injuries. He wouldn't eat his mushrooms. I never eat mushroom soup.......
A Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 pence per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Angus MacPherson died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read.......
'Angus MacPherson died. Golf clubs for sale.
If you ever feel powerless , just remember that a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant.
^^ Reminds me of the one about the Scottish nun who died.
As the stonemason charged by the word, her inscription was "Returned unopened".
I was walking through the mall and I saw that there was a “Islamic Book Store.”
I was wondering what exactly was in an Islamic bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientèle, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?”
The clerk said, “F*** off, get out and stay out!”
I said, “Yes, that’s the one! Do you have it in paperback? :rofl:
Two elderly ladies were talking.
“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse; Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?" one said.
Her wise friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s.
Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle." :D
My Muslim neighbour knocked on our door earlier and she asked "Have you seen Maheed lately?" I said "No. Just your eyes."
I think that is an old Aussie joke but hey....Quote:
Originally Posted by Boon Mee
Tap on the Shoulder
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned
over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder
to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove
up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out
of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologised to the driver and said, "I didn't
realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
My granddad was in a car crash six months ago and had a neck brace fitted, he's never looked back since
:smileylaughing:Quote:
Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt
I'll never forget my dad's last words: "Fuck me, a bus".
I was sent to Prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."
He replied, "Well, the Judge did give you 6 years."
"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out. She's never let me finish a sentence before."
Super rich pension funds...
My wife says I've changed since becoming a manager at work.
She's probably just still bitter about being rated 'Unsatisfactory' in her mid-year appraisal.
The supposed ten best for this years Fringe:
Top 10 jokes from Edinburgh Fringe
1. "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh
2. "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse...but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
3. "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
4. "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter - Masai Graham
5. "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
6. Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
7. "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
8. "The first time I met my wife I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
9. "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
10. "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace the Child
And those that didn't make the cut:
"I never lie on my CV…because it creases it."
– JENNY COLLIER
"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself"
– IAN SMITH
"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one to one time"
– TOM WARD
"Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't"
– GYLES BRANDRETH
"Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'"
– ALLY HOUSTON
"Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism"
– JAMES ACASTER