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Went out last night dressed to kill . . . . . . . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though; she sent her clothes yesterday!!"
Give it here"
"No, it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"It’s my turn!"
"You had it last"
"Fuck off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"You never do it right!"
"But it's my go!!!"
. . . . . . .Siamese twins having a wank
Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious!!"
Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.
Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!!!"
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Walt Disneys new film called Jet Black the non-racist version of Snow White
has been put on hold.
All 7 dwarfs Smelly, Benefit, Lazy, Giro, Wog, Lips and Nig Nog have refused to sing Hi Ho as they dont agree with going to work.
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Just been stopped in the street today by a Lady conducting a survey... She asked me what I knew about dwarfs... I said ''Very Little''
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The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her "Only you. All the others kept me awake shaggin all night !"
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I've finally found something the wife's arse doesn't look big in.................
The distance!
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With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
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I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
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The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012.
I'm not falling for that again.
I've only just finished the fucking baked beans I bought for the Millennium Bug.
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It's been confirmed that the coin that struck Rio Ferdinand was actually a Euro, as Man City fans no longer have any need for them.
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Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse !!"
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^ reminded by davyboys joke above:
My wife and I were discussing our sexual histories. She was recalling some of her old boyfriends. After a while she turned to me.
She said, "OK, your turn. How many women have you slept with?"
I thought for a moment. "One, two, three, four, five, you, seven, eight, nine..."
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My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she
screamed...."I wish you a slow and painful death you b***ard!"
"Oh" I replied, "so you want me to f*****g stay now!"
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When my Indian girlfriend told me she wanted me to give her a facial, I nearly came on the spot.
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Son said to Dad "I'm Gay."
Dad looks at his other son and said "What about you?"
Other son said "Me too Dad."
Dad said "F*** me, doesn't anyone in this f***ing family like pussy?"
The Daughter said "I do."
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The wife came out of the bathroom and said "I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?"
I said "Yeah, the fuckin plug hole is blocked again."
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Topical if not short.
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “Naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re a** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
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In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."
I said "Sorry mate. Did he drown?"
"No," he said, "he choked on a sock." :smileylaughing:
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Whats the difference between the ghost of Christmas past and Jimmy Savile?
One rattles his chains and puts the willies up everybody. The other one's a ghost!!!
How's about that then? :)
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Went to our firms christmas party last night. They played 'The Twist' so I twisted. They played 'Jump' so I jumped. Then they played 'Cum on Eileen' ........I was asked to leave shortly after that.
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I got thrown out of the chemist this morning; i only asked the bird behind the counter, "do you take it up the arse love or do you swallow?". She went absolutely bloody mental!I still don't know what to do with these fucking suppositories...!
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I asked the bloke at the car shop to add some spoilers as well.
"Okay, the Titanic sinks, Harry Potter kills Voldemort and Frodo destroys the ring."
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Little Tommy asks Mum "Why is England called a Kingdom" "Because it was ruled by a king" "Ah so thats why Australia is called a country".
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People are making 'end of the world' jokes like there's no tomorrow
If the apocalypse doesn't happen today, don't worry. It's not the end of the world.
Calm down everyone, if the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.
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Went to the doctors yesterday suffering from premature ejaculation. Doctor said, "This must be very stressful for your wife."
I said, "To be honest it's getting on her tits."
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The world is supposed to end today. I want to stand next to Alex Ferguson as you're guaranteed an extra ten minutes!
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Dear Deardrie, My boyfriend's a right dick! He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat cock into my tiny little arsehole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck, deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do?
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I gave my son an inflatable doll today. He said "Dad, if I want sex I'll go and get a girlfriend." I said, "Dream on you ginger cnut."
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy
went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,
if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
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My wife came into the room wearing a costume for a fancy dress party, "what do u think?" She asked, "wow" i said, " that's the most convincing killer whale outfit i've ever seen!" She said "i'm a nun u twat"!
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I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.
I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”
Well that was when the trouble all kicked off ……
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I'm pretty sure that if I spent as much time online deciding what to get my wife for Christmas as I do deciding what video to wank to,I could have got her something she'd really cherish for years and years to come.
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When my wife revealed to me during a counseling session that she fakes her orgasms, I was forced to fake that it mattered.
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On Christmas morning, when your children tell you that their new phones are the wrong colour, their new laptops are not good enough for their particular needs, and your wife tells you that the 1800 quid necklace you got for her is "Nice," please spare a thought for those on their own.
And try not to get jealous.
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A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.”
“That's right,” said the doctor.. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.”
“Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
“Yes,” she said, “You’re getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place.”
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New shop just opened and a big sign outside read EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT.
I chuckled to myself cos i thought you could hardly leave em there and come bacl later !!
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What's the difference between an old whore and a new one?
A new one will use KY jelly and an old one will use Polly Grip.
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My wife has told me that she has quit smoking.
To see if she's telling the truth, I've gone to work & left the gas on.
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My new German girlfriend gives me marks out of ten when we have sex. Last night, for example I shoved it right up her arse. She yelled "NINE-NINE!". Result, my best score yet.
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100 men were asked why they liked blow jobs so much.
5 said it was the warmth
5 said it was the sensation.
90 said it was the peace and quiet.
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My scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes for Christmas from the internet. I asked him which web site he saw them on and he replied 'Google Earth'
