Bosun : Captain ! Captain ! There be an homosexual on this vessel ! Give me a kiss and I'll tell thee who it be, Argh, Jim lad.
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Bosun : Captain ! Captain ! There be an homosexual on this vessel ! Give me a kiss and I'll tell thee who it be, Argh, Jim lad.
"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."
^#2959.
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 2 black and 2 Mexican guys arrive.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said “Wait here. I will be right back.”
St. Peter goes over to God’s chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Peter: “How many times do I have to tell you, you can’t be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!”
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.
He returns to God’s chambers and says “Well, they’re gone.”
“Who, the black and Mexican guys?” asked God.
“No. The Pearly Gates.”
My wife said she was leaving me because I was obsessed with The Monkees.
I thought she was joking at first but then I saw her face...
how do you titillate an ocelot ?
You oscillate its' titalot .
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The coroner tells the detective: “First body: A wealthy New Yorker, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile. Second body: Texan, 25, won $10,000 on the Lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile”.
The detective asked “What about the third body?”
“Ah” says the coroner “This is the most unusual one. Billy Joe Shattucks, from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the detective.
“Thought he was having his picture taken”.
Mixed emotions.
I asked the wife to make me laugh and cry at the same time.
She told me that all my friends cocks are smaller than mine!
Wednesday was National Dog Day, and Thursday was National Burger Day.
Except in Korea, where they combined both.
Sacha Baron Cohen
As Ali G: “Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.”
My missus used to head butt me in the face when she had an orgasm..I didn't mind so much until I found out she was faking them!!
My bird wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live, so I got her sister pregnant. We're on next Tuesday!
^ :rofl:
Truck driver driving down the road see's a rag head knelt down on the grass verge eating grass , he stops and shouts hey whats going on ,the rag head says I have just sneaked in through the Chunnel and and have had nothing to eat for 4 days ,the driver says jump in I'm on my way home I'll give you a good feed , away the go ,after a mile or so he's see's a rag head women and two kids knelt down eating grass , the rag head man says stop stop thats my wife and kids , the driver duly stops and says come on get in I'll take you home and give you a good feed , another mile down the road there's about 20 ragheads all knelt down eating grass , the rag head says to the driver can you stop and take them to your home and give them a feed? they can get on the back of your truck easily , the driver says hey mate I'm sorry but I have only got a small lawn :)
If your wife has been putting on a few kilos lately - here's what to do.
Make her run 2 Km every morning and another 2 Km every afternoon .
Keep this up for 2 weeks and you will notice that the fat bitch is now 56 Km away!
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... We truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...
"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available." :rofl:
Convince your friends that you play the trombone by standing behind a screen and farting into a watering can!
QUICK jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by Boon Mee
Now I'm going to have to red snakeeyes.
:sorry1:Quote:
Originally Posted by CujoQUICK jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by Boon Mee
Now I'm going to have to red snakeeyes.
He's not very bright you know.Quote:
Originally Posted by CujoQUICK jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by Boon Mee
Now I'm going to have to red snakeeyes.
Women say that men are only after one thing. Rubbish!
I'm after two things, tops and fingers.
Yes, well....while I've got you here....FAMOUS PEOPLE!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by harrybarracudaHe's not very bright you know.Quote:
Originally Posted by CujoQUICK jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by Boon Mee
Now I'm going to have to red snakeeyes.
I went for an audition in a new musical about Cuba. The producer said I was good and would I be an understudy to a lead.
I turned it down as I didn't want to play second Fidel.
nice one. green sent
One for Sheriff Cujo:
What's worse than having a dead dog on your piano?
An infected pussy on your organ!
Has anyone else noticed that "Maddie" is an anagram of "I'm dead"?
:spin:
and Osama bin Laden is an anagram of
Bad animal nose
or
O damn! A lesbian
Due to the present economic conditions and in the interest of power saving the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Top tip for parents with young children.
After your kids have mastered spelling with Alphabetti Spaghetti, buy a tin of the normal stuff so as they can practice joined-up writing!
Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.
Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.
#2927
^ tositi.
My bad.Quote:
Originally Posted by toslti
Restitution:
I got caught licking ice cream from my girlfriends breasts the other day. I don’t know who was more embarrassed, me or the staff at McDonalds.
#1743
1743>Quote:
Originally Posted by kingwilly
:kma:Quote:
Originally Posted by kmart
^I think Willy was only joking...BTW.Very quick joke! Well done, Sir.
Yeah - I know he was. Just messing with him back.Quote:
Originally Posted by charleyboy
That fact that you went back and searched said random post is scarily anal, rather than funny.*Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
*assuming that there is not some short cut way of doing it that I do not know about such as changing/inserting the number into the url web address....... ?
^ I have my ways.......
Quote:
Originally Posted by kingwilly
Divide the post Number by the number of posts per page (default is 20), round it up to the next whole number and that tells you what page number you will find it on.