Thread: Quick Jokes

The old ones are usually the best

The old ones are usually the best

bet I'm older then you!

^ May I have your Zimmer Frame when you're done?

Cancer research scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves...

oooohhh nooooooooo

Probably asked for a smoke, first thing...

I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

I'm writing a book about Joseph Fritzel, think it'll be a best cellar ?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt

I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

A few tommy cooper ones:

My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians

Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you.

I'm on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days!

An American, an Italian, a Turk and an Oirishman...

American: I'm proud of our CIA. they know what is happening in the world, often before it happens.

Italian: I'm proud of our women. They're the most beautiful and proud and not easy to be "had".

Turk: I'm proud of our carpets, true works of art. No one can make carpets of such high quality.

Then they all looked at the silent Irishman, waiting for his response. They asked: "What are you proud of?"

Irishman: I'm proud of myself lads. Last week I screwed an Italian woman on a Turkish carpet...

And the CIA knew nothing about it !!!

How do You start a Small Aboriginal Business?

Start a Big one First!

Originally Posted by nidhogg

A few tommy cooper ones:

My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians

Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you.

I'm on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days!

I bought this watch the other day. It was waterproof, scratchproof, shockproof.

It caught fire.

^
That one deserves a red.

I can't believe how shallow women on dating sites can be.

I'd been chatting to this girl for a while and we were getting on ok, but then she turned round and said she wasn't interested, JUST because of the type of car I live in.

At our Battle of Bosworth re-enactment society practice meeting this weekend, I was horrified to see the local Big Issue seller wearing the red rose of the House of Lancaster.

Cheeky bastard; everybody knows that beggars can't be Tudors.

Originally Posted by Iceman123

^
That one deserves a red.

You can't red a Tommy Cooper joke, you poorly educated slubberdegullion.

"My wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet'. I said, 'chocolate fudge'."

"I went to see my doctor and he said 'I want you to lie down on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I want to sweep up.'"

"I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'"

"I said to a waiter: “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”"

This guy walked up to me the other night and said: “Quick, did you see a policeman around here?” I said no. He said: “Good. Stick’em up.”

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

Originally Posted by Iceman123

^
That one deserves a red.

You can't red a Tommy Cooper joke,

Indeed.

I've got a friend who worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic Converter

Creating a TD password

cabbage
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
boiled cabbage
Sorry. the password must contain 1 numerical character.
1 boiled cabbage
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
50FUCKINgboiledcabbages
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon't GiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
NowIamGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbage sShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, that password is already in use!

I've got a genetic predisposition for diarrhea

It runs in my jeans

When I was in my twenties I used to go out drinking all weekend, Vodka Redbull, Aftershocks, Stella by the gallon, Tequila chasers for two days solid and wake up with soiled sheets clueless as to how I'd got there.

I can get the same effect off two cups of tea these days.

I told my wife that she'd drawn her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised!