My old Mum used to say, "Always give your food a rinse before you eat it."
Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.
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My old Mum used to say, "Always give your food a rinse before you eat it."
Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.
I have been sent a red by an idiot. You all know who he is. The joke was too long for his tiny brain. Is it at all possible that some of the grownups here can help him with his reading ?
Welcome to my block list, Dogface.
https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2016/02/30.jpg
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, 'I have some really great news!' So I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her,
'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'
Then she said, 'There's more'
I asked, 'What do you mean there's more.'?
She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Bootsl and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive.
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow. He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the bowl.
The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."
Jock turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you? '
'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.'
The topic of the thread is 'quick' jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by can123
It seems it it you who has the reading problem.
A 'quick' joke generally constitutes 1 or 2 lines.
There are many examples on this very page for you to learn from.
For example
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
That's a 'quick' joke.
(Though I understand how hard it is for you retarded people.)
My wife's done nothing but stare through the window since it's started snowing.
If it gets any worse I'm probably gonna have to let her in.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
:rofl:Quote:
Originally Posted by can123
There you go.
But I can't green you sorry, have to spread the love first.
Irishman comes home to find his flatmate standing in a bowl with blood pouring down his neck.
"What are you doing, Seamus ? ", he asked. " I'm making the tinned steak and kidney pudding. It said "pierce here and stand in boiling water". "
Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.
"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."
She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.
"One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.
"What's up love?" he asks.
"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the TV back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honour notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of frozen crabs, and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
Old woman being examined doctor:
"Have you ever been bedridden?"
She says:
"Yes and I've been table ended and backscuttled a few times too"
OK, can someone red that smartarse kunt for me please.
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Olef demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit
CAN 123--Dog brain did the same thing to me. Seems he's set himself up as the school marm and he determines what is a short joke, then goes around redding people who don't comply.Quote:
Originally Posted by CujoThe topic of the thread is 'quick' jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by can123
It seems it it you who has the reading problem.
A 'quick' joke generally constitutes 1 or 2 lines.
There are many examples on this very page for you to learn from.
For example
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
That's a 'quick' joke.
(Though I understand how hard it is for you retarded people.)
That's a clear indication of who has the shortest joke here, and whose lap it's in.
In a hired hall a preacher said,
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, an Irishman man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Paddy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Paddy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Paddy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Paddy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Paddy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Paddy, how is your hearing now?"
Paddy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week!"
I have posted a series of jokes above. Some are longer than others but all are posted in the genuine hope that the reader will find some amusing. If any make you laugh I feel that I have made a worthwhile contribution to the forum.
If there are too many lines in any one joke and you find it a strain to read that particular joke, I advise you to ignore it and move on.
Thank you.
There's a whole fucking sub forum for jokes and funny stories.
This thread is specifically for 'short' jokes FFS. Is it really that difficult?
I think it is time that you made the effort to contribute to this forum in a meaningful way. You could start by doing some remedial work on the "Amusing pictures" thread which you have ruined by failing to ensure the picture links were maintained.Quote:
Originally Posted by CujoThe topic of the thread is 'quick' jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by can123
It seems it it you who has the reading problem.
A 'quick' joke generally constitutes 1 or 2 lines.
There are many examples on this very page for you to learn from.
For example
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
That's a 'quick' joke.
(Though I understand how hard it is for you retarded people.)
No, go back to my block list you childish person.
'BACK'?Quote:
Originally Posted by can123I think it is time that you made the effort to contribute to this forum in a meaningful way. You could start by doing some remedial work on the "Amusing pictures" thread which you have ruined by failing to ensure the picture links were maintained.Quote:
Originally Posted by CujoThe topic of the thread is 'quick' jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by can123
It seems it it you who has the reading problem.
A 'quick' joke generally constitutes 1 or 2 lines.
There are many examples on this very page for you to learn from.
For example
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
That's a 'quick' joke.
(Though I understand how hard it is for you retarded people.)
No, go back to my block list you childish person.
I thought I was already there.
Make up your mind.:rofl:
Cujo has a point. They are not short jokes.
So, I ask Quasimodo, "what's that lump in yer pocket?"
Quasi, "Oh! It's a picture of me Dad."
Oh shut up you fucking whinger.Quote:
Originally Posted by CujoThe topic of the thread is 'quick' jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by can123
It seems it it you who has the reading problem.
A 'quick' joke generally constitutes 1 or 2 lines.
There are many examples on this very page for you to learn from.
For example
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
That's a 'quick' joke.
(Though I understand how hard it is for you retarded people.)
:)
Not when you have the reading ability of a five year old, no.Quote:
Originally Posted by kingwilly
Yes, he's also set himself up as self-anointed arbiter of who is famous in the RIP thread.Quote:
Originally Posted by MrGCAN 123--Dog brain did the same thing to me. Seems he's set himself up as the school marm and he determines what is a short joke, then goes around redding people who don't comply.Quote:
Originally Posted by CujoThe topic of the thread is 'quick' jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by can123
It seems it it you who has the reading problem.
A 'quick' joke generally constitutes 1 or 2 lines.
There are many examples on this very page for you to learn from.
For example
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
That's a 'quick' joke.
(Though I understand how hard it is for you retarded people.)
That's a clear indication of who has the shortest joke here, and whose lap it's in.
The bloke is so far up his own arse he can lick his own tonsils from the bottom.
FFS. People are either famous or not. It's not a matter of, well I think he's famous harry.
No English government minister, for example, is famous. (unless he/she becomes PM, then people all around the world will get to know their name)
An obscure physicist is NOT famous unless he split the atom or some such thing.
Oh, and you forgot the amusing pics ripped from the net thread.
Now shut the fuck up the pair of you, I'm off to red snakeeyes.
As most normal people on this forum will have guessed I have had more greens than reds after posting these jokes and it's nice to see that they have been mildly entertained by them. Naturaly, Bettyboo has jumped at the opportunity of sending a red but his behaviour has inproved a little because hi accompanying remark is not as offensive as normal.
Who is Kingwilly, please ? He is not on my forum.
Can, its not the posting of the jokes - its posting them in the wrong place. This thread is supposed to be for quick jokes. By no definition can many of the jokes you posted be considered "quick".Quote:
Originally Posted by can123
Here you go, a quick joke:
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
:smileylaughing:Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhoggCan, its not the posting of the jokes - its posting them in the wrong place. This thread is supposed to be for quick jokes. By no definition can many of the jokes you posted be considered "quick".Quote:
Originally Posted by can123
Here you go, a quick joke:
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
(It's no good nid, I've tried. He just doesn't get it.
Must be the alzheimers.)
Wrong ! Ths how the preamble to the sub-forum reads -Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
Jokes and funny stories The section for all the zany and humorous stuff. Post your favourite jokes and funniest pictures here, also videos from youtube etc can be posted here.
I have always obeyed the forum rules and realise that they are there for a reason. I have more interesting things in my life and arguing the toss with Cujo about what he thinks is suitable is not for me, thanks.
My jokes are clearly within the rules and my intention is simply to amuse an interested reader.
Would you please point me in the direction of the "long jokes forum" ? You will see that such a forum does not exist or, at least, I cannot find it.
Harry has also raised the issue of Cujo setting himself as the judge of the word "famous". He whinges in two threads and posts nothing constructive in either of them.
I have never deliberately set out to break the rules of this forum. I have better things to do.
^Can, you are in the right sub forum. No problems -but you are in the wrong thread.
Its not really rocket science mate.
I still do not see what I am doing wrong but, for me, the simplest way out is to let Cujo win. It's sad when rules are interpreted so as to discourage honest posting. You and he clearly believe that the "rules" are more important than the "content".
The most prolific posters on this forum contribute very little other than their moaning. They treat the place as though it is their personal possession and do nothing to encourage the forum to grow.
My block list is comprised of these posters and my forum is a better place for it. No more jokes from me, I have had a gutsful.
:bananaman::bananaman::bananaman::bananaman::banan aman::bananaman:Quote:
Originally Posted by can123
I'm happy you realize the error of your ways.
My bad. Apparently it IS rocket science.
Here's the thread.Quote:
Originally Posted by can123
https://teakdoor.com/jokes-and-funny-...ml#post3199428
I'm going to go and post a short joke there.Quote:
Originally Posted by kingwilly
:smileylaughing:
So have I! :rofl:Quote:
Originally Posted by can123
Thread flounce? :ourrules:
It's true though: dogs have only a one sentence attention span.
Another thread ruined by a little yappy one.