why did the Walrus go to the tupperware party ?
Ho was on the look out for a tight seal
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why did the Walrus go to the tupperware party ?
Ho was on the look out for a tight seal
hear about the Roman cannibal who devoured his wife, he was gladiator
hehe.Quote:
Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant ...
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought, "What the heck ... I'll give her a treat!" ...
So, they walked past it again ...
I saw a Ute with a bumper sticker saying:
"I'm a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal."
Suddenly I realized how many gynaecologists'
there are on the roads.
The Old Sailor & the Prostitute
Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times’ sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'
The inventor of dog treats died earlier today.
He was a good boy. Yes he was.
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
A group of ultra-conservative Seals meet up after work for a few drinks.
Into the bar walks the Master Chief...big, mean, and wearing a stunning dangling earring.
Master Chief sees the looks on their faces, and mutters "Fashion."
"WTF? Since when do you wear an earring or give a fuck about fashion?"
Master Chief: "Ever since my wife found it on the floor of my pickup truck."
I've got Catholic heritage myself but this one made me laugh
Three Celtic fans walk into a bar: a priest, a poof and a paedophile... And that was just the first one.
Telling a drunken woman to calm down has the same effect as baptizing a cat!
If Brighton bans smoking outdoors, does that mean no fags on the beach?
My boss called me in to tell me I'd failed my health and safety exam.
There was a question "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?".
Apparently "Fucking huge ones" was not the right answer.
a mate of mine was telling me about going on a date with a katoey, he said it's just like going out with a farang girl except she takes the viagra and you take the royhpnol
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could
buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, me too! Let's have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course."
The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the first man. "I graduated in '62"
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk
again!"
^ SHORT jokes.
Am I going to have to red snakeeyes again?
Snakeyes should red you it is QUICK jokes not short jokes.
^ and it's jokes not QUICK comments.
Oops.
I heard a fella complaining about how much his wedding cost.
He's going to be real pissed off when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost.
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
https://teakdoor.com/Gallery/albums/u...an_parking.jpg
Women only parking lot
^ Sigh.
Written jokes. The amusing pictures thread is elsewhere.
^ Go easy on the newbie, Jeeze, I should get a moderator onto you to sort you out.
I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently. I asked him how it was going to work, he replied: ‘I’m going to play it by ear
A woman placed an ad for no-strings sex, and later the doorbell went. When she answered, there was a man with no arms or legs. "How are you going to have sex with me?" she asked.Quote:
Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt
"Well I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’”
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’”
Aboriginal boy comes home from school and says to mum "I have the biggest dick in grade 3 is that because I'm black?"
"No fukwit that is because you're 19"
The police stopped me on the way home from the pub last night and asked me to get out of the car. When I did, one of them said to me, "You're staggering!".
I said "You aren't too bad looking yourself".
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this?" "You're speaking to it."
JOKE you sillykhunt, JOKE.Quote:
Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt
It's just been on the news, a policeman went mad and killed 24 people at the Trafford Centre, that's what you call a process of elimination
Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently, she stood him up!
Diego Maradona has taken his ex-wife to court over allegations of her stealing 9 Million Euros of his money.
It's a good job us Brits don't hold grudges, otherwise we'd be saying that the cheating, fat, Argentinian, hand-using, World Cup-ruining wanker deserved it.
Update the Force Luke, Adobe Wan Kanobi
How do you grease a Fiat ?
Run over an Italian.
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician."
So they want to make a United States of Europe to save the Euro, with Germany in charge.
What a brilliant plan! Why did nobody think of that before?
What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
A quarter pounder with cheese!