Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives
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Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us
When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.
Rich Hall
Is he related to How Hi ?Quote:
Originally Posted by david44
Ho Hai Da Xue Nanjing mei guanxi.
They refrain from phonee directory of staff there being such a surfeit of Mr Wing and Prof wang they may wing the wang number
An Englishman walks into a bar---- there is usually an Irishman, a Scot and a Welshman, but they are still at the Rugby World Cup.
being an England Rugby fan is like being in Fritzel's basement, every time you see a glimmer of light you get fucked.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
The maid advised never again, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?:smileylaughing:
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?
What do you call somebody who farts in private?
A private tutor.
An Englishman walks into a bar, the rest of the Northern Hemisphere are in there with him.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ozcol
Karaoke alert, The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
:D you deserve a green for that gemQuote:
Originally Posted by david44
I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers.
Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.
I caught my mate with his dick in a bowl of chickpeas & lentils. He'll shag anything with a pulse
My dad suggested I get a donor card, he's a man after my own heart
I've started a hedge fund
Always wanted one
When it grows it will look so much better than the barbed wire fence.
Irish bank robber walks into a bank, says "Hand over the money this is a fuck up".
Puzzled teller says "You mean its a stick up" ?
No says the robber "Its a fuck up I left my gun at home".
I'm so broke I can't afford to pay attention.
What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party?
A: They're both out looking for a tight seal.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up . . . reading." Henny Youngman
Avoid arguments about the toilet seat...use the sink.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Woman who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A deaf and dumb guy fell into a well.
He broke three fingers, shouting for help!
A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."
Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.
After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"
The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."
^That should read: Two Dinosours...It is so faaking old.
My wife is livid. Last night I got so drunk , I shit on the roof.
How do I wipe the slate clean?
Damn these Chinese workers!
Staying in their country, still steeling our jobs.