A few tommy cooper ones:

My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians

Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you.

I'm on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days!