Sadly, totally oblivious to me. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Bettyboo
Prior to your "eureka" moment.
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Sadly, totally oblivious to me. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Bettyboo
Prior to your "eureka" moment.
Maths teacher: What comes after 69 ?
Student: Mouthwash
Maths teacher: get out
TEACHER: What is the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
Young Willy, Oral sex makes your day while anal sex makes your hole weak
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
Just booked a table for me and the wife's anniversary. Bound to end in tears though; she's shit at snooker.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Woolies. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trycoxagain.
My wife and I decided to go on an organised trip to Afghanistan, to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just a few miles south of the station. We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English.
The train, and surrounding streets were full of Muslims, angry bearded types glared at us, the wife stood out in her brightly colored sun-dress, as all the local women were draped in black, head to toe, burqas. We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Jim our group leader ushered us off the train and round the corner from Hounslow Station to the bus terminal, where we continued our journey safely to Heathrow Airport.
A honeymoon couple turn up at a hotel. In the bar they discover another two honeymoon couples who have also just arrived. They get talking and after a few drinks the girls decide to go to their rooms to ‘prepare’ for the night ahead while the lads finish their beer.
“Let’s have a competition to see who can do it the most”, says one, “we’ll tally up at breakfast.”
The other two look blankly at him, wondering if the usual two pumps and a squirt is enough, or if should they go for it twice, seeing as it is a special occasion. Then one of the grooms pipes up, “Hold on lads, we can't discuss it over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us. We need a code.”
The third says, “No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order, that’ll be the amount times we did it.”
They all decide it's an excellent idea and retire to their rooms.
The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order. “I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please,” he says.
The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.
The waitress moves to the second couple and the groom orders, “I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast.”
The other two grooms turn to make pistols from their fingers to shoot a salute to the master swordsman.
The waitress gets to the last groom. “I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have...” he takes a deep breath, “SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST,” he calls for everyone’s benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief.
“Seven pieces of toast sir?” queries the waitress. “Why, that's an awful lot.”
“Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is.” She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again.
“And by the way love, can you make two of those brown?.
^ :rofl: Good one.
555 green sent :D
Now on Radio 4, the first of a new series in which world leaders discuss their experiences staying in top London hotels
Putin: On the Ritz
But not very quick.Quote:
Originally Posted by Neverna
For you, but you read slowly.Quote:
Originally Posted by CujoBut not very quick.Quote:
Originally Posted by Neverna
Red him, Sheriff Cujo!
Goes without saying that I already did.Quote:
Originally Posted by kingwilly
You can too if you want to, he likes that. Cheers.
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my trump with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
just dropped my ipod in the bath, it's synching
Dave works long hours at the office and spends most evenings training at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman greets them, saying, "Hi, Dave, how are you doing?"
Dave's wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to the strip joint before. "No," says Dave. "He's in
my running club."
They take their seats and the waitress asks Dave if he would like his usual Kingfisher. His wife is getting uneasy, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."
"No, dear," says Dave. "That lady also works in the health-club's bar."
A stripper comes over to their table and puts her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Furious, Dave's wife, storms out of the club and into a taxi. Dave gets in beside her and she starts screaming.
"All right, Dave?" says the cabby, turning round. "Looks like you picked up a moody one tonight."
I walked into a B&Q the other day and this bloke in an orange and black uniform asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was that.
Others may not be so lucky...Be on your guard!
deleted (re-posted in correct category) :)
a couple on a cycling honymoon pull in at a farm house looking for a bed for the night,
3 days later they were still in the bedroom,
farmer giles,under pressure from his wife, taps on the door and enquires after there
wellbeing as none of the provided food had been eaten,
we are fine was the tired responce, we are living on the foods of love,
o said mr gilles, in that case would you not chuck the skins out the window,
there choking the chickens
I went to B&Q and said : Have you got any of that wood you put on walls?Quote:
Originally Posted by charleyboy
He said: You want panelling ?
I got the first punch in
2 Dyslexics walk into a bra
Two snowmen in a field one says to the other ...can you smell carrots?
What's orange and like aparrot?
A carrot:dogrocks:
Now then........A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember it by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: Ney, I'd prefer it chewing a bone
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night, and noticed a thief sneaking through the next door neighbours yard.
Suddenly, my neighbour came from nowhere and bashed the thief over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said, "Darling, you're shaking! - what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!", I said.
"That tosser next door has still got my shovel that he borrowed last year!"
a man walks into a bar,spots his pall and said you will never gues what happened to me on the way here,
ime taking a short cut along the railway track when i saw a gorges bird laying on the lines,
well i picked her up and held her in my armsfor a while, and then had the most amazing sex ever,
four times we did it in every position,
wow thats fantastic, did she give you a blow job as well,
no mate i couldnt find the head, :sorry1:
A bloke says to his mate "Do you like your women with tits that hang down past their waist?".
"No way" says his mate.
"Do you like your women with an arse like a couple of bags of spuds?".
"Oh no", says his mate.
"Do you like your women with a fanny like a bucket of rotting eels?"'.
"Oh good lord no" says his mate.
"Well what are you doing fucking my wife then?".
An old guy and his wife go out for dinner, order a small meal and split it in half.
His friend says "Jeez...look.... I'll buy your wife a full meal".
"Thanks mate but we share everything" was the reply.
Another friend comes in an joining them, makes the same offer and is told the same....that they share everything. However he sees that the wife is not eating and asks her why.
She replies : "I'm waiting for my turn with the teeth".
Putin and Obama were walking along the track shooting the breeze.
They came across a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.
Putin smiled unzipped and had his way.
When he'd finished he nudged Obama, "Don't you want a turn yourself?"
Obama promptly dropped his trousers and stuck his head in the fence.
Whats the difference between your girlfriend and your wife ?
About 3 stone
Yes, and your GF is 3 stone over weight and you love it. I can never figure out why some guys go bonkers over BIG BUTTED women. Must be a black thing. Just look at all the Kardy tubs of lard. I might only have an 8 inch cock but how do you get through 15 inches of ASS?
I'll stick with the small Thai ladies.
My mate Tommo was driving home late the other night when the police pulled him over.
Sir have you been drinking this evening; the copper asked
Tommo grunted:Why is there a fat bird in the car with me ?
You forgot the COMMA ^
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
^^^ I don't know, why is there a fat bird in the car?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread
Einstein’s mum: Are you happy?
Einstein: Relatively.
I was wondering why I suddenly had pentagrams on my palms.
Then I remembered: I’ve been using hand sataniser.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
What can think the unthinkable?
An itheberg.
I just got hit by a rented car.
It Hertz.
Say what you want about deaf people …
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people – but none of them work.
I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger.
Then it struck me.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Oh come on. How can anybody eff that joke up?
Q. What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus wiping out Klingons.
A man has died after a his angry wife penetrated him with a vegetable.
Hell hath no fury like a woman's corn.