Husband: If I won the lottery what would you do?
Wife: I’d divorce you and take half the money.
Husband: Ok, well I just won $10, here’s $5 now f*ck off!!
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Husband: If I won the lottery what would you do?
Wife: I’d divorce you and take half the money.
Husband: Ok, well I just won $10, here’s $5 now f*ck off!!
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”
What do you call a blind deer?
No eye dear.
What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg?
Still no eye dear
What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated?
Still no f*cking eye dear
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
You can take the boy out of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch, but you cant take Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch out of the boy .
'Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?
'I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.'
One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out.'
'Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.'
“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
I once got threatened by some circus performers, so I went for the juggler!
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I accidently gave her some superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Green owed ,nearly fell of my perch laughing ,I'll try and find a responseQuote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
The parrots eat em all
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
David, it's apparent you have opened the Xmas crackers early this year.
Put the rest back in the box and wait until Dec 25th when you can share the wonderful witticisms that lie awaiting inside with Mummy and Santa.
:)
Alas Santa seems to pass the Buddhists and muslims by ,why not put one up yerselfQuote:
Originally Posted by Iceman123
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that
I used to be in a band, we were called 'lost dog'. You probably saw our posters.
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.
His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"
Oh, no: I never found her head.
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Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
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Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
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Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first"
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen
Hear about the Kiwi calendar robbers,they got 6 months each
I've applied for a job cleaning mirrors, it's something I can see myself doing
Playboy is getting rid of all the nude pictures in their magazine. Hugh Hefner said that this is mainly because people can go onto the internet and see any sort of sexual activity for free at the click of a mouse button.
Honestly I had no idea. I only go on the web for the articles.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
What's yellow and smells like green paint
Yellow paint
How Long is a Chinese name
Lord sayeth to Jeff, come forth and you will recieve eternal life,
but Jeff came fifith and won a rice cooker
I wondered why the boomerang was getting bigger, then it hit me
Velcro - what a rip off!
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
Corduroy pillows are making headlines
If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
“I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to why I’m always late.”