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A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair. “Sally,” she said, “you didn’t tell me you were going to a wedding.” “I didn’t mom,” Sally replied
I was giving a bl@wjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me
Why don’t black people take cruises?
They fell for that trick once already!
A man walks into a bar with his girlfriend. The barman says: "You're doing well for yourself. Where did you find her?"
"I met her in Thailand" he replied. "We're due to get married next month."
"You don't want to do that" the barman said. "That's when the blowjobs stop."
"I don't mind that" he said. "I don't like giving them anyway"
I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said “Can you describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into asexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed,only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
My Pommy mate says he always cries after sex,mind you he is in prison.
I sat on the edge of the bed last night pulling off my boxers,when my missus said to me,
you really spoil those dogs.
"My husband's gone to a casino in Asia".
"Tibet?".
"Why else would he go, you silly cow?".
and for the rest of us.
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed,only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?
On the news. Three Cliff Walkers have died.
What's the odd's on three people with the same name dying at the same time?
Smelt like fish curry.Quote:
Originally Posted by VocalNeal
Top Tip.
Asthmatics, avoid going to places where the scenery is described as, breathtaking!
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers
NOW.
Saw a busker today playing ''Dancing Queen'' , on a Digeridoo
I thought, ''That's aboriginal!''
Brillian!
stolen from the late great Ronnie Corbett,
"We'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame."
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present
So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster… Now it doesn't work.
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.
Five minutes later he said "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said "Because we're still in Liverpool!"
so wrong... outa greens :)Quote:
Originally Posted by bobo746
Paddy was driving home pissed, and swerving all over the road to avoid the trees in his way.
Eventually the Garda pulled him over and said "Paddy, why you are driving all over the road?".
Paddy says "Because I'm having to keep missing the bloody trees".
The Garda says "Paddy, you stupid fecker, that's your Air Freshener".
^ not quick... or a joke which by definition would be funny. Fucking useless as usual.
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself.
Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, ‘Doctor, why do men always want to marry a virgin?’ To which the doctor responded, ‘To avoid criticism.’
Yes, but you're a humourless retard and it wasn't aimed at you.Quote:
Originally Posted by pseudolus
Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her arse.
This woman came to my office to do a presentation on Sexual Harrassment in the Workplace.
When she'd finished, she said "has anyone got any questions"?
I said "What colour knickers are you wearing?".
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches
into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out
a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal
a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"10 pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"15 pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the
silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana,
replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great
shout go up outside, followed by an even greater
shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the
chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time
with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
We'll have a new one."
^ You're in the shit now with your 'quick' joke!
The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, “I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” A nun in the back responds, “Thank God! I’m so tired of Zinfandel.”
Mom was cleaning Junior's room one day and she found a bondage magazine under his bed.
This made her very upset. She put it back under his bed until his father got home and showed him.
He gave it a look and handed it right back to her without a word, so she asked him, 'What should we do about this?'
Dad paused and said, 'Well, whatever you do, I don't think you should spank him.'
You'd think think they'd know by now right.Quote:
Originally Posted by charleyboy
Not to mention 'joke' usually means 'funny'.
Failed on two counts.
Red for you.
A man goes to a restaurant and is seated by an extremely hot waitress. When she asks him for his order he replies, "I'll have a quickie." The waitress storms off angry.
After she regains composure she comes back and asks him once again what he will have. He replies, "All I want is a quickie." She can't control herself this time so she slaps him.
A man sitting near him leans over and whispers, "Sir, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."
Couple of good ones...:rofl:
I bought a stick deodorant today.Instructions say 'remove cap and push up bottom'...
Guy goes into the butcher shop and asks for a kilo of pissholes.
"I beg your pardon?" says the butcher.
"Pissoles, pissoles" says the man frustratedly. "There in the window" pointing to the rissoles in the display.
The butcher immediately catches on and assumes the the leg on the R had fallen off, so smiles and says, "Oh, I see. Sir, that's "R" not "P".
"Ok, then give me a kilo of arse'oles
Best spoken, not read.
Scientists have been experimenting with injecting embryo's with Marmite.
A woman gave birth to twiglets
I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired", "I'm washing my hair", "I've got a headache", I'm your sister-in-law.
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A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."
For her birthday, I treated my Mother in Law to a visit to the Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tussauds.
One of the attendents whispered to me "Please keep her moving, we're doing a stock take".
There was a Scottish bloke on the bus this morning, sat there listening to his Och Aye Pod
The mother in law said to me "When you die I'm going stand on your grave and piss on it".
I said "Good, I'm getting buried at sea".