Thread: Quick Jokes

I've just read that apparently 31 is too old to live at home with your parents.

It was a note left in my bedroom.

Can't green ya, Nidnog!

I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in Manchester yesterday. All he could go on about was how he hates this time of year, dressing up in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people. I said, 'Look, Rooney, you chose to stay at Old Trafford!!'

When I was younger my mum said to me "you can be anyone you want to be!"

Turns out the police call this "identity theft".

You've produced some good ones lately, Nidhogg.

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

I bumped into a man crying uncontrollably outside a department store in Manchester yesterday. All he could go on about was how he hates this time of year, dressing up in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people. I said, 'Look, Rooney, you chose to stay at Old Trafford!!'

Originally Posted by nidhogg

I've just read that apparently 31 is too old to live at home with your parents.

It was a note left in my bedroom.

I was going to green you but as my Mum was vacuuming my floor she inadvertently pulled my PC cord out of the wall.

There is a new bar on Soi 22 where instead of sucking on Hippy Crack they give you balloons full of helium.

Danny Boy, the review man, speaks very highly of it.

They encourage you to sing also ?

A Truckie has been on the road for a few weeks, without going home.
He decides to go to a brothel in the next town he comes to
He walks in puts $1000.00 cash on the bar, and says to the madam managing the place

I want the fattest ugliest woman you have here and toasted cheese sandwich.
The madam then says, sir for that's mount of money you can have the most beautiful lady we have here and a meal fit for a King.

With that the truckie turns around says I'm not hungry or horny, I'm just a bit home sick.

If a guy in Doncaster dated Caitlyn Jenner would the relationship be considered Trans Atlantic?

I won't take credit for these as they arrived in an email...

After being married for 48 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You’re an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks, "What the hell does that mean?"
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
"Hello, Sarge"
"Yes"
"It looks like we have a homicide here."
"What happened?"
"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers,
"May I help you?"
The man says "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open…. That’s a maintenance matter."

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers,
"May I help you?"
The man says "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open…. That’s a maintenance matter."

Originally Posted by kingwilly

With that the truckie turns around says I'm not hungry or horny, I'm just a bit home sick.

Best one I've read in a while.

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

^ I actually know a guy who walked,well ran, about 3 miles in another man's shoes.

^ Neal. That wasn't at all, funny!

^ Well. It is if you think he is the only guy we know who can judge his friend as he HAS walked a mile in his shoes.

But it was a comment, not a joke.

I'll try harder next time

My Mum ran off with the milkman when I was eight years old.

Watching them drive away on his float were the worst three hours of my life.

Yoko Ono is going into the jungle to advise on bush tucker survival techniques

Apparently she has managed to live off a Beatle for 30 years

My wife's put on a lot of weight recently.

To be fair though, she's had a lot on her plate.

I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

I really do have a soft spot for my MIL.
It's out in the garden behind the garage.

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Warming up your dinner."

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.