Quick Jokes

**crepitas** · 29-05-2013, 07:18 AM

"..well it's a stretch dear but I do believe you..christ knows how ya gonna convince the Mullah though"

Joseph..dateline: 2months B.C.

**Cujo** · 29-05-2013, 08:38 AM

Originally Posted by crepitas

"..well it's a stretch dear but I do believe you..christ knows how ya gonna convince the Mullah though"

Joseph..dateline: 2months B.C.

That should be Rabbi, they were Jews.

**crepitas** · 29-05-2013, 12:41 PM

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by crepitas

"..well it's a stretch dear but I do believe you..christ knows how ya gonna convince the Mullah though"

Joseph..dateline: 2months B.C.

That should be Rabbi, they were Jews.

wow!!! ..really!!!....and how would THAT be humorous? Der!

**Cujo** · 29-05-2013, 01:05 PM

Originally Posted by crepitas

Originally Posted by Koojo

Originally Posted by crepitas

"..well it's a stretch dear but I do believe you..christ knows how ya gonna convince the Mullah though"

Joseph..dateline: 2months B.C.

That should be Rabbi, they were Jews.

wow!!! ..really!!!....and how would THAT be humorous? Der!

Um, same way it was when it was a mullah? Der.

**nidhogg** · 30-05-2013, 02:09 PM

The post office has released a new stamp honoring sex trade workers...

The cost will be one dollar, or three if you want to lick it.

**charleyboy** · 30-05-2013, 04:24 PM

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a shop like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

**Cujo** · 30-05-2013, 04:47 PM

Originally Posted by charleyboy

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a shop like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

That's a classic.

**charleyboy** · 31-05-2013, 07:27 AM

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business,
patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no
on-coming traffic.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a
half- burned Union Jack duct taped on the trunk of their car and a
"Remember 7-7" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler lorry came speeding through the junction and ran
directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that could have been me !"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a lorry driver.

**VocalNeal** · 31-05-2013, 11:00 AM

Can someone explain why the above post is invisible if one is using vBulletin Original?

Charleyboy did you purposely chose white as a font colour?

**charleyboy** · 31-05-2013, 12:12 PM

^ Is that better?
If not, PM your mobile and I'll tell you the joke!

**VocalNeal** · 31-05-2013, 02:18 PM

Well I thought it might be a forum bug or the like as quite a lot of posts come through invisible using vBulletin Original.

**charleyboy** · 31-05-2013, 02:55 PM

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

vBulletin

Neal. You're to technical for me, I still work in pounds and ounces!

**VocalNeal** · 31-05-2013, 03:19 PM

Originally Posted by charleyboy

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

vBulletin

Neal. You're to technical for me, I still work in pounds and ounces!

Look way dowwnn at the bottom left of the page.

But you understood the stones in the shoes joke then.

It all got complicated for me when we stopped using those exercise books with all the data on the back!!

40 poles used to be a furlong, now it is a bus full.

**charleyboy** · 31-05-2013, 04:14 PM

^ Good one!
I just bought a bushel of potatoes from Tesco's.

**daveboy** · 31-05-2013, 05:00 PM

My mate took his grandad to one of those fancy health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...
Cost him £35 but it was cheaper than a funeral...

**daveboy** · 31-05-2013, 09:11 PM

The pictures of the little chinese baby who was rescued after blocking the sewage pipe were really heart warming.

I hear the nurses have named him Tam Pon.Pete

**can123** · 31-05-2013, 09:16 PM

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
...
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.

**CNF55** · 01-06-2013, 09:10 AM

**charleyboy** · 01-06-2013, 10:48 AM

^ Another joke wasted on me...I was a feet and inches man!

**Boon Mee** · 02-06-2013, 05:28 AM

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock

**crepitas** · 02-06-2013, 07:30 AM

The Million-Dollar Question for God

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?
God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."
The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replies, "In a second."

**crepitas** · 02-06-2013, 07:31 AM

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."

**crepitas** · 02-06-2013, 07:38 AM

Jews don't catch STDs......they are diseases of the gentiles

**charleyboy** · 02-06-2013, 10:26 AM

Police HQ, incoming request...

Beat bobby. " Require back-up immediately. Big black fooking nigger dancing on car."

HQ. "Your request has been denied...Not politically correct."

BB. "Zulu, Tango, Sierra."

HQ. "We'll be right there!"

**Boon Mee** · 02-06-2013, 10:34 AM

I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out. I said, “My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."

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