Thread: Quick Jokes

I'm not saying my ex wife's armpits were hairy, but it looks like she's got Bob Marley in a headlock

Been having a problem with my hearing, so went to see a doctor this morning.

The doctor asked, "can you describe the symptoms?"

"Of course I can", I said, "Homer is a fat twat who loves doughnuts and Marge has blue hair!"

God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face.

Originally Posted by PAG

Been having a problem with my hearing, so went to see a doctor this morning.

The doctor asked, "can you describe the symptoms?"

"Of course I can", I said, "Homer is a fat twat who loves doughnuts and Marge has blue hair!"

555

Nothing beats The Simpsons

Originally Posted by fred flintstone

^not really a joke, is it

555

Of course, it is.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Talked to, or talked into?

Helloooooooooooo.

Originally Posted by Maanaam

Talked to, or talked into?

Helloooooooooooo.

Hiiiiiiiiiiiii

555

That's strange....there is an echo in this one...

Originally Posted by GracelessFawn

God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face.

You see, women shouldn't try humour.

I went to the librarian and asked "Can I get a book on Assisted Suicide"?

She said "No, you won't bring it back".

I asked the Librarian do you like Kipling

She replied

"I've never Kippled"

This bank robber says "If anyone sees my face they're dead". Some bloke sneaks a look and he puts a bullet in his head.

A voice at the back says "I think my wife got a glimpse".

Took the new girlfriend home to meet the family last week.
Wife hit the fucking roof.

I was at the pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed though.

He blew his whistle so fucking loud I nearly fell in.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or
getting your bloody tee ready!

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.

Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme’s called Fact Hunt.

BBC BREAKING NEWS :-

Little Red Riding Hood found in a Critical Condition.

Paramedics have Stabilised her Condition.

But She's Not Out of the Woods Yet

In a recent Survey it was found that 95% of Scousers have had Sex in the Shower.

The other 5% of Scousers haven't been to Prison yet.

Why did God invent orgasms for women? So they can still have a f*cking moan even when they're enjoying themselves!.

My GF keeps telling me she's a compulsive liar and needs help....I don't believe her though

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

I went to the librarian and asked "Can I get a book on Assisted Suicide"?

She said "No, you won't bring it back".

555

Originally Posted by GracelessFawn

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

I still remember my dad's last words.

"Fuck me, a bus".