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Thread: Quick Jokes

  1. #3876
    Thailand Expat VocalNeal's Avatar
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  2. #3877
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    ^ I'm glad I don't believe in either one. When I'm dead I'm just gone.

  3. #3878
    Hangin' Around cyrille's Avatar
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    An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Jew sit on a bench.
    The Englishman says: “I’m so tired and thirsty, I must have beer.”
    The Frenchman says: “I’m zo tired and theersty, I must ’ave wine.”
    The Jew says: “I’m so tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes.”

  4. #3879
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    Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
    Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

  5. #3880
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    I just bumped into the Local Siamese Twins in the Village,

    some one gave them a Man 'U' T-shirt, You will never walk alone..

  6. #3881
    Thailand Expat VocalNeal's Avatar
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    wouldn't that be a Liverpool shirt?

  7. #3882
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    Teenager to father

    Dad do you and mum have any sexual relations?

    Well yes son

    Then why havent I met any of them ?

  8. #3883
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    Hired a gardener today and gave him a list of things to do.

    When I got back home he'd only done tasks 1,3 & 5.

    Turns out he's an odd job man.

  9. #3884
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    Quote Originally Posted by nidhogg View Post

    It was all good until I realized he had both hands on my shoulders......
    Just been for a prostate check, as I bent over I asked the doctor "Where should I put my trousers"
    "Over there next to mine," isn't the answer I was hoping for

  10. #3885
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    A man spends the afternoon in a bar with his companion, a giraffe. They are drinking heavily. Eventually, the giraffe falls over and remains unconscious on the floor. The man looks at the giraffe, shrugs and leaves.

    The publican chases him down the street, saying 'Hey, you can't leave that lyin' in my bar!"

    The man says 'It's not a lion, it's a giraffe.'

  11. #3886
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    Man said to the psychiatrist - I keep dreaming that I'm making love to a packet of biscuits.

    What sort of biscuits ?

    Don't know what you call them, but they're square and keep breaking.

    Oh, that's easy, you're fckuing crackers.

  12. #3887
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    Lone Ranger was kidnapped by an Indian tribe
    The big chief gave him 3 wishes before he was to be scalped.
    Lone ranger whispers in Silver's ear and off he gallops
    and comes back with a cute blonde. The chief is impressed.
    2nd wish and L.R. whispers again into Silvers ear and the following night
    comes back with a brunette for the Lone Ranger. The chief is truly impressed.
    3rd and final wish the LR whispers again into Silver's ear.
    Listen, a fkg possy not pussy.

  13. #3888
    Dislocated Member
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    I asked a lawyer how much did he charge .. he said "100 for 3 questions"
    I said "that's a bit expensive isn't it?"
    He said "that's the going rate.. now what's your last question?"

  14. #3889
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    There's a new charity supporting youngsters fleeing to the UK from the Calais jungle camps.

    Please give whatever you can to Shave the Children!

  15. #3890
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    Two Fish swim into a concrete wall.
    Says one fish to the other, "Dam!"

  16. #3891
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    Two fish in a tank,one said, you man the guns and i will drive.

  17. #3892
    Thailand Expat VocalNeal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toslti View Post
    There's a new charity supporting youngsters fleeing to the UK from the Calais jungle camps.

    Please give whatever you can to Shave the Children!
    There is a new charity in France being set up for displaced women.

    Just $10 will help Shave the Women


  18. #3893
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    A screwdiver walks into a bar. The bartender says; 'Hey,we have a drink named after you.". The screwdriver says; "You have a drink named, William ?"

  19. #3894
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    This Christmas, don't forget to hate refugees as you set up the nativity scene of a Middle Eastern couple desperately looking for shelter.

  20. #3895
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maanaam View Post
    This Christmas, don't forget to hate refugees as you set up the nativity scene of a Middle Eastern couple desperately looking for shelter.
    Jews none the less.

  21. #3896
    Thailand Expat VocalNeal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fred flintstone View Post
    A screwdiver walks into a bar. The bartender says; 'Hey,we have a drink named after you.". The screwdriver says; "You have a drink named, William ?"
    A White Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says....

    The horse says: "What, Norman"?

  22. #3897
    Thailand Expat harrybarracuda's Avatar
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    Arthur Scargill walks in a bar.

    The barman says "sorry, we don't serve minors".

  23. #3898
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    A man walks into a bar and asks; "Do you have helicopter flavored chips here?". The bartender shakes his head,"No, just plain".

  24. #3899
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    A termite walks into a bar and asks: Is the bartender here?

  25. #3900
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    Two chemists walk into a bar.
    The first one asks for a glass of H2O.
    The second one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O too".
    He died.

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