Quick Jokes

**nidhogg** · 02-12-2016, 04:46 PM

Whatever you do, don't ever type 'Part A' backwards..

It's a trap!

**kingwilly** · 02-12-2016, 04:49 PM

lolol

**harrybarracuda** · 02-12-2016, 05:20 PM

I starting going out with this girl and found out she's an Arsonist.

Last time I use match.com

*

Just finished reading the fifth book in the "Learning To Count" trilogy.

*

Bought the wife a new pug yesterday. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, it seems to still like her.

*

I've just had to phone the police.
"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"
"The fat one's winning."

**GracelessFawn** · 03-12-2016, 03:43 PM

Harry that last bit is funny.

**david44** · 03-12-2016, 09:30 PM

An old farmer"s dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.His wife says to him, "why don"t you put an ad in the paper to get him back".The farmer does this, but after two weeks the dog is still missing."What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife."Here boy," said the farmer.

After queueing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week, I finally got to the counter and the woman looked at me and said, "I"m really sorry about your wait."In a rattled state, I replied, "you"re not so fucking skinny yourself, actually."

I met my wife at a Singles Bar. Funny thing is, I thought she was at home looking after the kids.

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers."Since when do you wear womens pants?""Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

**GracelessFawn** · 03-12-2016, 09:43 PM

555 David44.

**nidhogg** · 04-12-2016, 11:09 AM

I just read a list of "The 100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.

**david44** · 04-12-2016, 03:19 PM

Teacher asks the kids in her class what their fathers did for a living."Mary, what does your dad do?""He"s a doctor, miss.""Joe, what does your dad do?"He"s a pilot, miss.""Billy, what"s your dad do?""My dad"s dead, miss.""Oh Billy, I"m so sorry............what did he do before he died?""He turned purple, farted and fell on the dog, miss."

**Neo** · 09-12-2016, 12:07 PM

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

**david44** · 10-12-2016, 04:51 AM

I bought a self-help tape the other day.It was called "How to handle disappointment."When I opened the box, it was empty.

**Neo** · 10-12-2016, 08:14 AM

555 I like that one

**nidhogg** · 10-12-2016, 11:14 AM

My girlfriend just came down the stairs dressed as Lara Croft & said to me "Alright Brad?"

The stupid cow thinks its the season to be Jolie

**nidhogg** · 10-12-2016, 11:16 AM

Well it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job.

I really do hope it's me this year.

**nidhogg** · 10-12-2016, 11:22 AM

My wife and I were blissfully happy for 20 years.

Then we met.

**david44** · 10-12-2016, 01:17 PM

Little Johnny goes into school after being absent the previous day,His teacher demands, "where were you yesterday?""I"m sorry Miss, my dad got burnt," replies Johnny."Oh,I"m sorry,I hope it wasn"t serious," says the teacher.To which Johnny replies, "well, they don"t fuck about at the crematorium."

**brisie** · 10-12-2016, 02:31 PM

^ that joke is on Rodney Rudes first album HAHAHAHA fuckya
Stevie Wonders dog pisses on his leg so stevie gives him a biscuit. Hey stevie why give the dog a biscuit when he pissed on your leg. Stevie " I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass. HAHAHAHAHA fuckya
funny after 12 beers

**GracelessFawn** · 11-12-2016, 09:11 PM

‘We had grandma for Christmas dinner.’
‘Oh really? We had turkey.’

**brisie** · 11-12-2016, 09:20 PM

What's a specimen
An Italian astronaut

Why did the snowman have a smiley face?
Because he heard the snowblower was coming

**GracelessFawn** · 12-12-2016, 06:49 AM

The one thing a woman doesn’t want to find in her stockings on Xmas morning is her husband.

**Maanaam** · 12-12-2016, 08:12 AM

Originally Posted by nidhogg

Whatever you do, don't ever type 'Part A' backwards..

It's a trap!

We probably need a thread for Dad jokes.
And another one for GF jokes.

**VocalNeal** · 12-12-2016, 09:44 AM

Originally Posted by GracelessFawn

The one thing a woman doesn’t want to find in her stockings on Xmas morning is her husband.

Especially if they are Carols!

**GracelessFawn** · 12-12-2016, 08:58 PM

Dear Santa ,
I've been good all year. Okay most of the time. Once in awhile...F*ck it I'll buy my own shit.

**Iceman123** · 13-12-2016, 05:34 PM

^
That is your best yet. I will send you a green!

**Maanaam** · 13-12-2016, 07:04 PM

My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.

**Cujo** · 13-12-2016, 08:29 PM

Originally Posted by Maanaam

My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.

Mine hates it when I introduce her as my first wife.

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