Thread: Quick Jokes

The background on this site for normal computers is dark blue and print is white.

The background is dark blue and text automatically white, if viewing with the alternate light blue background the text is automatically black. You don't need to chose the font color!

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

The background on this site for normal computers is dark blue and print is white.

The background is dark blue and text automatically white, if viewing with the alternate light blue background the text is automatically black. You don't need to chose the font color!

Doesnt work just tried it, I post in black and it comes out black on the dark blue background.

^I always find the GOLD shows itself, wherever you put it.

Hm. Lets try to get back on track:

A vulture is boarding a plane carrying a couple of dead raccoons. But before he is able to get on the attendant tells him, "I'm sorry sir, you're only allowed one carrion."

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

^

love them!

I was walking past my fridge last night and thought I heard 2 onions singing a Bee Gees song...


















Anyway, I opened the door and it was just the chives talking!

^ OMG Charlie, I think you spent too much time in the SUN and you POPPED. CORNEY

Originally Posted by Eliminator

^ OMG Charlie, I think you spent too much time in the SUN and you POPPED. CORNEY

OMG did you just write OMG?
Are you a sixteen year old girl?
Can someone quote this please so he can see it and please RED that fucking gay ass faggot dickhead , thanks.
Im all out.

Looked at a house built by two lesbians,all tongue and groove,not a stud in sight.

I went to the library and asked the lady for a book about tortoises. She asked: “Hardback?” and I said: “Yeah, and tiny little heads.”

Was in a job interview today where the manager handed me a laptop and said "I want you to try and Sell this to me".

So I left with it under my arm.

2 hours later he was on the phone......................... give me my laptop back.

I just said "£200 and it yours."

Best of the Fringe (allegedly):

Just switched from eating venison to pheasant. Absolute game-changer.
Darren Walsh

Apparently the worst ways to propose are: in a public place, right after sex and in front of your parents. I’m assuming those are three different ones …
Robin Morgan

Are headphones getting bigger or are idiots getting smaller?
Henry Paker

I bought my nephews some Cisformers for Christmas. They start off as cars – and stay that way.
Bethany Black

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies. But before you know it, you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.
Olaf Falafel

The reason pandas are so popular is diversity – they’re black, white and Asian.
Rhys James

Brexit is like Boris Johnson’s hair – very messy, but acceptable anywhere outside of London.
Shazia Mirza

I lost my virginity. Well, I didn’t lose it, I gave it away. For charity. It’s the biggest non-tax-deductible donation I’ve made.
Felicity Ward

I asked all of my black and minority ethnic friends if they thought I was racist or not, and they both said that I wasn’t.
Bridget Christie

I recently learned that being in the vegan club is the exact opposite of being in fight club. In that, the first rule of vegan club is: tell everyone about vegan club; and the second rule of vegan club is: tell everyone about vegan club; and then the third rule is: don’t eat meat etc.
Tez Ilyas

Just too PC to be funny...

I have it on good authority that the Boris Johnson appointment was a mistake.

Apparently Theresa May received a text message from her deputy saying : "What shall we tell Boris to do?".

She texted back "F. Off." and so they announced his appointment to the Foreign Office.....

Paddy runs into a bank, whips out his gun and screams.

"Everybody on the floor or you're all gonna be Geography."

"Don't you mean History?"


Paddy. "Don't change the fookin' subject!"

Old man hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years.

The hitman says. "I'll shoot her just below the left tit."

Old man. "Don't be fookin' stoopid, I want her dead not fookin' kneecapped!"

My wife just said to me..."Look at this, I've had it since we got married twenty years ago and it still fits me."

I said. "It's a fookin' scarf!"

The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.

I saw an ad that said, "Radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full".

I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down."

My wife bought one of those see-through negligees.

You could see everything. Tracksuit bottoms, tank top...

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Originally Posted by charleyboy

"I'll shoot her just below the left tit."

Old man. "Don't be fookin' stoopid, I want her dead not fookin' kneecapped!"

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