Thread: Quick Jokes

If you say 'gullible' very fast...it sounds like, grapes!

Guy. 'Will you marry me?'
Girl. 'No'
And the guy lived happily ever after.

What borders on stupidity?

Mexico and Canada.

If you're thinking of buying a dog, get a border collie.. you only have to take care of them at weekends.

What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a dwarf?

A creature that sucks blood from your cock

How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?

It’s when the blind try to read your face.

After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”

An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.

"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"

You’re really sucked up.
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I ate you.
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You’re a stupid grass mole.

Having an argument in the times of auto correct.

I made cookies for you. It is an apology because I crashed your car.
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YOU DID WHAT?!
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Cookies. I made cookies for you.

Do you have a cat? And are you not a fan of house chores?

Here’s a little tip: Make your cat full of static electricity by rubbing her with a balloon and then use a laser pointer to have her go on all your dusty shelves and surfaces.

I just like to sleep naked. The air-hostess could have been a bit more understanding

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.

They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

Are those who sneeze the most the most blessed?

Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

Q: How do you kill a circus clown? A: Go for the juggler!

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"

Bishop A preacher wanted to earn money for the building expansion program of his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher figured he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the race. The next day the donkey came in third. The racing form's headline the following day read, "Preacher's Ass Shows." The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered him the next day also. The donkey won. The newspaper's headline read, "Preachers Ass Out in Front." The bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. Then, the headlines read, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass." This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nearby convent. Next day's headlines read, "Nuns Have Best Ass in Town." The bishop fainted! He informed the nuns to get rid of the animal. So they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the paper read, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks." They buried the bishop the next day. The paper read, "Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop's Death.

source: Rude Jokes

Q: How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. We are very efficient and this is not a joke.

source: Germany Jokes - German Jokes

Man walking past the olympic stadium carrying a long case is collarred by a guard. "Are you a pole-volter?" the guard asks The man replies "No, I'm German actually; but how did you know my name was Walter"

source: Germany Jokes - German Jokes

Dude, seriously, not funny. You should know that going to a German website for humour is like going to a nunnery for sex advice.