Thread: Quick Jokes

Sailor : Captain, captain there be a homosexual aboard this vessel.

Captain : How do you know that ?

Sailor : Last night I was sucking the bosun's penis and there was shit on the end of
it.

i'm reading a wonderful book on anti gravity and i just cant put it down.

I told my boss I needed a pay rise, I said that 3 other companies were after me.

Boss "which ones?"

I said "the electric, gas, & the water"

Us is against doping...

I'm writing a suspense thriller.............


.....or am I?

I met this American bird and asked her what her name was

She said "Chantelle"

Suit yourself love, I only asked

^ Doesn't work with an Antipodean accent.

^ I had to struggle with it on a London accent; ended up going all East End council estate to make the joke work...

^^^ and from the same source?



A week before my grandfather died. They covered his back with lard.

After that he went downhill very quickly.

Originally Posted by Maanaam

^ Doesn't work with an Antipodean accent.

Just got back from Australia, where i spent some time learning Aboriginal words like "Boo" Which means "to return".

'Cause when you throw an ordinary meringue!

Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt

I met this American bird and asked her what her name was

She said "Chantelle"

Suit yourself love, I only asked

Sent this to a SA woman called Chantell (without the "e") She thought it was funny!

Things I won't do:

1. Travel with Tom Hanks.

Originally Posted by Bettyboo

^ I had to struggle with it on a London accent; ended up going all East End council estate to make the joke work...

Essex chavette for me.

What do Gideons do if they find a bunch of old stock bibles?

Give them away?

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

What do Gideons do if they find a bunch of old stock bibles?

Give them away?

Presumably go and hide them in hotel room drawers.

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

Things I won't do:

1. Travel with Tom Hanks.

Think you missed one (The Terminal):

Originally Posted by nidhogg

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

Things I won't do:

1. Travel with Tom Hanks.

Think you missed one (The Terminal):

Good point...

You can satisfy any woman with just 3.5 inches.


Visa, Mastercard or Amex.

'Do not touch.' Must be one of the scariest things to read in braille!

my wife walked in the door and said "I'm home, did you miss me?"

I said with every bullet so far....

A friend of mine confided in me that last night he got extremely drunk and somehow ate dozens of scrabble pieces.

He is worried that his next shit could spell disaster.

Originally Posted by can123:

Sailor : Captain, captain there be a homosexual aboard this vessel.

Captain : How do you know that ?

Sailor : Last night I was sucking the bosun's penis and there was shit on the end of
it.

Not at all funny.

Originally Posted by OhOh

Heard at the recent G20 conference.

Vlad: "Hey, Barry, which bathroom are you going to use?"


Obama: "I can ride a bicycle."
Putin: "I wrestle a grisly bears."
Obama: "Security!"


Obama: "I have a pet poodle."
Putin: "I know, my leopard just ate it."


Putin: "No Obama, you can not triple jump the Queen with your pawn. "


They once named a street in Moscow after Vladimir Putin. They had to change the name because no one crosses Vladimir Putin.


Vladimir Putin will never have a heart attack. Nothing is foolish enough to attack him.


Some people think they can walk on water, Vladimir Putin swims through land.


Vladimir Putin doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it.


Putin: "Did your daughter enjoy her, how you say, bud?"


During "the stare off contest between Putin and Obama", Putin blinked only once and slowly. He had "Negro" written neatly on each upper eyelid.


Putin: "Sorry about your teleprompter, Barack. My security guys thought it was a CIA monitoring device.
You can give your speech without it, right?"


Putin: "Do you have gold...because they don't take American Express".

Extremely lame and childish.
Why do you suck the Ruskies cock so hard?