I won't take credit for these as they arrived in an email...

After being married for 48 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You’re an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks, "What the hell does that mean?"
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
"Hello, Sarge"
"Yes"
"It looks like we have a homicide here."
"What happened?"
"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers,
"May I help you?"
The man says "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open…. That’s a maintenance matter."