Thread: Quick Jokes

I was in the park the other day wondering why radio controlled air-planes get bigger the closer they get, and then it hit me

Went shopping last week to try and find some camouflage trousers, couldn’t find any.

Accordion to a recent survey 90% of people don’t notice when you replace words with the names of musical instruments

Name a business that's like show business

Q. Why do they name hurricanes after women?
A. Because when they arrive they are wet and wild but when they leave they take your house and car with them

Husband: If I won the lottery what would you do?
Wife: I’d divorce you and take half the money.
Husband: Ok, well I just won $10, here’s $5 now f*ck off!!

I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”

What do you call a blind deer?
No eye dear.

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg?
Still no eye dear

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated?
Still no f*cking eye dear

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

You can take the boy out of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch, but you cant take Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch out of the boy .

'Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?

'I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.'

One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out.'

'Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.'

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

I once got threatened by some circus performers, so I went for the juggler!

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I accidently gave her some superglue instead.

She's still not talking to me.

Originally Posted by nidhogg

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I accidently gave her some superglue instead.

She's still not talking to me.

Green owed ,nearly fell of my perch laughing ,I'll try and find a response

Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?









The parrots eat em all

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

David, it's apparent you have opened the Xmas crackers early this year.

Put the rest back in the box and wait until Dec 25th when you can share the wonderful witticisms that lie awaiting inside with Mummy and Santa.

Originally Posted by Iceman123

David, it's apparent you have opened the Xmas crackers early this year.

Put the rest back in the box and wait until Dec 25th when you can share the wonderful witticisms that lie awaiting inside with Mummy and Santa.

Alas Santa seems to pass the Buddhists and muslims by ,why not put one up yerself

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that

I used to be in a band, we were called 'lost dog'. You probably saw our posters.