I was walking down the road this morning and first got hit by a violin then a clarinet and then a piano...
I think it's an orchestrated attack!
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I was walking down the road this morning and first got hit by a violin then a clarinet and then a piano...
I think it's an orchestrated attack!
When I was sent to jail, I was pinned down to a table and viciously fucked up the arse.
I thought to myself "Uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit seriously".
Just read that statistics show that the average couple has sex 89 times a year. Looks like I am in for a wild 5 days......
When I went bald I kept my comb. I just can't part with it.
I said to my boss, "I think I deserve a payrise, I've got three companies after me".
He said "Can you name them?"
I said "The water, the gas and the electric".
Son: “I was awarded the ‘Leslie Nielsen badge’ at school today”
Dad: “What's that?”
Son: “It's a big building full of pupils and teachers, but that's not important right now.”
Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom.
His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"
His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."
Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"
The missus said to me "You make love like a painter".
I said "What, like Leonardo Da Vinci? Smooth strokes and attention to detail resulting in a masterpiece?".
She said "No, like the council. You rush the job, leave a fucking mess and I have to finish it myself".
I met this bloke in a pub who claimed he was a huge pop star in the '80s.
I didn't believe him, but he was adamant.
A bra, a pair of spectacles, and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar.
The bra says,"3 beers thanks bartender."
The barman replies," F*ck off mate, I'm not serving your type here. "
"What do you mean," asks the bra.
And the bartender says,"Well mate, you're off your tits, that bloke is off his face, and your other mate looks like he's about to start something!"
Not quick, but.....
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's fucked, you might as well gan fishing."
Probably a true story, but not sure of the origin.
Caithness is famous for nicknames some Classic ones .
“I knew a guy who had one hand bigger than the other and they call him " The Clock".”
“Had a teacher with a twitch in his eye he was known as indicator.”
“A lad from up the coast called Gerry had heart surgery and they nicknamed him “ Gerry and the Pacemaker”.”
“A pub I once worked in had a local called "Joe Malone " when his wife died he became "Home Alone”.”
“I know a lad in Lybster. He's tall and thin so they call him 6 O'clock”
“Knew a lad once who got engaged 3 times. He was known as Lord of the Rings”
“Heard of a lad called "pothole " everyone used to try and avoid him”
“Heard of a lad called Enda May. People just called him June!”
“Know a lad that went to Australia on a years visa and was back a week later!! Called him boomerang”
“Lad in town here known as “Bomb Scare” as soon as he comes in the pub empties...”
“Guy in our school, Peter, was held back a year for failing all his exams. He became known as RE-Peter”
“Heard of a guy that used to wear the same coat all the time so his friends called him Dulux...cos he only needed one coat”
“I knew a lad that had only 4 fingers on one hand he was called kit kat”
“Our local drug dealer delivers so quick - we call him instagram”
The missus said to me "You know, if I ever got Alzheimers, I'd kill myself rather than burden you with me".
I said "That's the fifth time you've told me that today".
Just reading that there's a small Island off the coast of Italy with 5 million sicillion people.
That's the biggest number I've ever heard.
Scirrel he say ya spella bad , nahQuote:
Originally Posted by Joe 90
The Cod father he say
"Hey Giovanni90 you hadda ya chipsa" or in Sciliian dialcto "Etihado"
We had a mate a while ago and the joke in the pub was that he'd only ever had 2 shags even though he had 2 kids.Quote:
Originally Posted by dirk diggler
His nickname was The Inseminator. :)
There was a fat kid called James at a training centre I used to go to as part of my apprenticeship.
Everyone called him James the Giant Peach :D
I was at the bar in the International Airport when a small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts, like Kung-Fu, or Karate?" He says "No, why in the hell would you ask? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."
I refused to believe that I was gay and dyslexic.
I was in Daniel.
For security reasons Al Capone had hired a deaf mute bookkeeper. To communicate with the bookkeeper Al had one of his bodyguards learn American Sign Language.
One day Al had the bodyguard drag the bookkeeper into his office. Al told the bodyguard “There is $100,000 missing, and I want the bookkeeper to tell me what he did with it.”
The bodyguard signed to the bookkeeper “Al says there is $100,000 missing and he wants to know what you did with it.”
The bookkeeper, terrified, signed to the bodyguard “I don’t know anything about it. I didn’t take the money.”
The bodyguard said to Al “The bookkeeper says he don’t know nothing about it.”
Al, pissed, pulled out his pistol, cocked it, and pointed it at the bookkeeper’s head. “Tell him to tell me what he did with it or I’ll blow his brains out.”
The bodyguard signed to the bookkeeper “Al says tell him right now where the money is or he’ll blow your brains out.”
The bookkeeper, sweating, signed “The money is in locker 284 at the bus terminal. The key is in my right front pants pocket.”
The bodyguard says to Al “He says you don’t have the balls to pull that trigger.”
What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chickpea?
I wouldn't pay to have a kidney bean on my face
Noi the ladyboy , seeking ass.
And tax were walking over a bridge and noi gets his head stuck between the railings.without a sideways glance sa pulls aside nois G string and fucks him senseless. He stands back and tells tax " your turn"! Tax bursts into tears, whats wrong asks seeking assholes.
Tak sobs , my head wont fit in the railings. Har har
I send this a joke. Because these 2 asshats are certainly a joke. And persistant trolls
Late last night a short psychic escaped from prison.
Today’s headline: Small Medium at Large
last night a madman raped 2 cleaning ladies and ran off.
Todays headline,
NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS.
Yesterday university researchers solicited overweight people for a second trial.
Today’s headline: New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
cemetery staff to strike from friday, but until dispute ends services will be provided by a skeleton crew.
:)......
Late yesterday afternoon a tightrope artist completed a high wire walk alone over the Han River in Seoul, Korea.
Today’s headline: Skywalker Crosses Han Solo
Late yesterday the Japanese stock market was rocked by the news that its largest decorative paper mill was de-listed.
Today’s headline: Origami Company Folds
If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock. That's humerus.
Swine troubles in China
Tonight's top story: Soaring Pork Prices Hog Headlines and Sow Discontent
Yesterday it was announced that the Canadian coin mint will now only produce one and two dollar coins.
Today’s headline: Canadian Mint No Longer Make Cents
latest from the police .....
man who robbed a gym of 2 treadmills is still in the run, but police say he's going nowhere and will soon be caught.
man who stole 5 shovels believed to have gone underground.
a luggage thief was caught today after police quickly got on the case.
A recent United Nations survey has revealed that North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at Teakdoor, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
I own two shirts and some neckwear that used to belong to a guy who was in The Mamas and the Papas.
All the sleeves are brown and the tie is grey.