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No #1026 was a different woman, she went to stay with her Mum
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No #1026 was a different woman, she went to stay with her Mum
^ In that case, please accept my humblest apologies
My pet mouse Elvis, died today...he was caught in a trap....
I pulled a heavy duty monster last night down at the boozer. Fuck me she looked like she'd been ducking for apples in a chip pan...had more hands up her than Sooty...been set on fire & put out with a golf shoe...got a face that could make an onion cry... so big I couldn't ride her into battle...seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician...a face like a stuntmans knee...a fanny like a yawning donkey...so ugly not even a sniper would take her out...been shot over more times than Sarejevo...has a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout...been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun...an arse like a bag of spanners...a belly bigger than Santa Claus... Still, at the end of the day, a shags a shag!
:smileylaughing:Quote:
Originally Posted by daveboy
What do Las Vegas and Liverpool have in common?
They are the only two places where you can pay for sex using chips
Paddy and his girlfriend had just got engaged and were driving to Blackpool for the weekend.
As he was driving Paddy slipped his hand up her skirt.
"You know Paddy, now we are engaged you can go a bit further if you want" she said,
"Fucking great" said Paddy "let's go to Manchester".
I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Tosser" & then
Off we go....
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP school of diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
After years of trying, Ive finally found my wifes G-spot. Can you believe her sister had it all along!
Airport Screening Results
Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
It was also discovered that 535 members of Congress had no balls.
A muslim arrives at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. St. Peter looks him up and down and says "What do YOU want?"
With a glowing smile the man says, "I'm here for Jesus..."
St. Peter pokes his head around the gates and shouts "JESUS, YOUR CAB'S HERE!"
Guy with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg goes to get on a London bus. Bus conductor takes one look at him and says, " aye, aye, aye, you look 'armless enuf, 'op in"
Two interesting facts about me.
1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens.
2) I'm banned from Argos.
Calling someone outspoken is a friendly way of saying, "they're a [at][at][at][at] who doesn't know when to shut the fuck up."
Subject: Birthday gift...don't ever misspell or forget to tab!!!
A secretary got an expensive pen as a birthday gift from her boss.
She sent her boss a thank-you note via SMS. The wife read the text and angrily showed her husband the message:
"Your penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night. Thanks :Penny"
Guy getting a ticket from copper, says to cop if I called you a name you could give me another ticket right , certainly could said cop, what about if I just thought about a name , cop says cant give you a ticket for thinking ,thats good says bloke cause I think you are a cvnt
Does a Plumber look at an unfinished sink and think to himself "I'd tap that"
This morning the Muslim Brotherhood sent a warning that if the United States continued meddling in Egypt , Libya , and other potential hot Spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more Presidents.
Before me and the missus had sex she said, "If you turn off the light, you can shove it up my arse."
With hindsight, I probably should have waited until the bulb had cooled down.
An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.
It is believed to be so offensive that St Peter's church in Shrewsbury have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy Green from Margate has written in to Points of view.
When will the madness end?
I heard a bloke complaining about the cost of his wedding , hes going to be real pissed when he finds out how much his divorce will cost.
:smileylaughing: Splendid! Just splendid!Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
If your wife or girlfriend asks" If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday which of my friends would you like to join"
Never give two answers
Snooker also has some 'rules' for life in general, these are worth looking at..........
1. If the pink is down - pot the brown.
2. If you go for the pink and it's covered by the red, go for the brown instead.
Who said snooker had no value?
Gentlemen, think on, snooker has all the answers.
As a kid, I used to torture ants with a magnifying glass and the sun.
I'd make them read it.
My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll.
I went to see the Red Arrows today.
There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.
There are two types of people in the world:
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
^ There are three types of people in the world:
Those that can count and those that can't.
^
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those that understand binary and those that don't
^ Pay that one.
Three old men went to see God.
The 1st old man an American, asked God when will his country come out of recession.
"100 years," God said.
The American started crying. "I will not live to see that day"
2nd man a Russian asked God "When will my country become prosperous.
50 years, came the reply.
The Russian too started crying. "I will not live to see that day."
Finally the Thai asked God,"when will my country become corruption free.
God started crying. I will not live to see that day."
Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan ?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. ì said 'son, thats three schools already this year. maybe teaching isnt for you.'
The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.
I've accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.
My next shite could spell trouble.
you're on a roll today Dave..