wouldn't that be a Liverpool shirt?
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wouldn't that be a Liverpool shirt?
Teenager to father
Dad do you and mum have any sexual relations?
Well yes son
Then why havent I met any of them ?
Hired a gardener today and gave him a list of things to do.
When I got back home he'd only done tasks 1,3 & 5.
Turns out he's an odd job man.
Just been for a prostate check, as I bent over I asked the doctor "Where should I put my trousers"Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
"Over there next to mine," isn't the answer I was hoping for
A man spends the afternoon in a bar with his companion, a giraffe. They are drinking heavily. Eventually, the giraffe falls over and remains unconscious on the floor. The man looks at the giraffe, shrugs and leaves.
The publican chases him down the street, saying 'Hey, you can't leave that lyin' in my bar!"
The man says 'It's not a lion, it's a giraffe.'
Man said to the psychiatrist - I keep dreaming that I'm making love to a packet of biscuits.
What sort of biscuits ?
Don't know what you call them, but they're square and keep breaking.
Oh, that's easy, you're fckuing crackers.
Lone Ranger was kidnapped by an Indian tribe
The big chief gave him 3 wishes before he was to be scalped.
Lone ranger whispers in Silver's ear and off he gallops
and comes back with a cute blonde. The chief is impressed.
2nd wish and L.R. whispers again into Silvers ear and the following night
comes back with a brunette for the Lone Ranger. The chief is truly impressed.
3rd and final wish the LR whispers again into Silver's ear.
Listen, a fkg possy not pussy.
I asked a lawyer how much did he charge .. he said "£100 for 3 questions"
I said "that's a bit expensive isn't it?"
He said "that's the going rate.. now what's your last question?"
There's a new charity supporting youngsters fleeing to the UK from the Calais jungle camps.
Please give whatever you can to Shave the Children!
Two Fish swim into a concrete wall.
Says one fish to the other, "Dam!"
Two fish in a tank,one said, you man the guns and i will drive.
There is a new charity in France being set up for displaced women.Quote:
Originally Posted by toslti
Just $10 will help Shave the Women
:deadhorsebig:
A screwdiver walks into a bar. The bartender says; 'Hey,we have a drink named after you.". The screwdriver says; "You have a drink named, William ?"
This Christmas, don't forget to hate refugees as you set up the nativity scene of a Middle Eastern couple desperately looking for shelter.
Jews none the less.Quote:
Originally Posted by Maanaam
A White Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says....Quote:
Originally Posted by fred flintstone
The horse says: "What, Norman"?
Arthur Scargill walks in a bar.
The barman says "sorry, we don't serve minors".
A man walks into a bar and asks; "Do you have helicopter flavored chips here?". The bartender shakes his head,"No, just plain".
A termite walks into a bar and asks: Is the bartender here?
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one asks for a glass of H2O.
The second one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O too".
He died.
Boom, Tish.Quote:
Originally Posted by Maanaam
Two flies eating on a pile of shit.
One fly farts.
The other says 'Do you mind! I'm eating.'
Made me laff.Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis.
Ladder....I meant ladder.
How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but only if the light bulb really, really wants to change.
How many body builders does it take to change a lightbulb?
2. One to change it and the other to stand by saying, "You're looking good, man, looking good".
I get angry when I can't remember simple things.
This morning I can't remember what the Roman numerals for 51, 6 and 500 are.
I'm bloody LIVID.
A new charity has started collecting in the UK for newly arrived refugees. It's called "Shave the Children".
Two dogs walking down the street with their owners meet for the first time. One dog introduces himself to the other " Hi, my name's 'Get The Fuck Off The Couch. what's yours?"
I called my dog Syndrome.Quote:
Originally Posted by fred flintstone
As I sat on the edge of my bed pulling off my boxers... I thought to myself "you've gotta leave those dogs alone."
No....no. Don't. Please.
My Drum was a boxer. And one of the labourers from the next door estate used to make fun by pulling off one of his mongrels in front of everyone. Get it to start air humping until it got that base knob out.
See the thread on Fiji in Pacific Travel for background.
...........
A Polish immigrant goes to Specsavers for an eye test. The optician shows him a board with the letters CZWIXNOSTACZ on it and says, "Can you read that?" "Read it," says the Pole, "I know the twat!"
(See long jokes thread)Quote:
Originally Posted by PAG
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months? -- The box said 2-4 years!
Faceless Groan well done
Tough crowd.Quote:
Originally Posted by harrybarracuda(See long jokes thread)Quote:
Originally Posted by PAG
How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.