The following conversation took place between a husband and wife while discussing philosophy.
Wife: What’s the meaning of life?
Husband: My dick!
Wife: Yeah that’s true, life is short.
Printable View
The following conversation took place between a husband and wife while discussing philosophy.
Wife: What’s the meaning of life?
Husband: My dick!
Wife: Yeah that’s true, life is short.
Interviewer: Your resume says you’re very quick at maths.
Me: Yes I am!
Interviewer: Whats 12 x 37?
Me: 49.
Interviewer: That’s not even close!
Me: Yeah, but it was fast.
My girlfriend rang me at work. She said "Two packages arrived today. One's your PlayStation 4 & the others the Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home & play with me for hours".
I said "You'll be fucking lucky... I only ordered one controller".
I went into the library and asked if they had a book about how to spot Ladyboys. He said, "I'm sure we do, it's probably tucked away somewhere." I said, "That's the one."
My neighbour said to me today:"How come you have so many cars?"
"Well," I said "The wife and I have been doing a bit of swinging recently"
"Oh right" he said embarrassed "Do a lot of them stay over then?"
"No" I said "It's just that every time she pulls a set of keys out the hat, the owner fucks off".
My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, “God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.”
My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?”
I said, “No, I’ve got his girlfriend pregnant.”
:rofl:Quote:
Originally Posted by harrybarracuda
When I was asked what I'd do if I walked in on my wife in bed with somebody I said the first thing I'd do is break his white cane.
The man who invented predictive text died yesterday.
His funfair is next monkey
I was just looking at my ceiling...
Not sure if it's the best ceiling in the world, but it's definitely up there
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose?
I should never have named two friends.
The cost of living has now become so expensive that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
Out of ammo Nid
Phone rings at 2am.
Husband: Hello, who is this? How the hell do I know. I’m not a weather man! *slams phone down*
Wife: Who was that honey?
Husband: Just some guy asking if the coast was clear tonight.
The following conversation took place between a couple at the cinema.
Girlfriend: I think the guy next to me is jerking off.
Boyfriend: Just ignore him.
Girlfriend: I can’t.
Boyfriend: Why?
Girlfriend: He’s using my hand.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me….
“I really need a new fuckin boat” I thought to myself.
I'll just leave it at that.Quote:
Originally Posted by GracelessFawn
Ladies never forget that if a man remembers the colour of your eyes after the first date, you've got small tits.
I saw a Thai girl on the train earlier today and I kept thinking to myself, don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection, but then she did.
555Quote:
Originally Posted by PAG
You're very funny Pag.
No, I have a good.memory.Quote:
Originally Posted by GracelessFawn555Quote:
Originally Posted by PAG
You're very funny Pag.
Sorry, what were you saying?
Saw this stunning girl at a bar last night. I got her a drink, walked over to her and then felt my knees go weak and my stomach turn to butterflies. Turns out that I spiked the wrong drink by mistake.
When shopping I always hold hands with my girlfriend. People think it’s for romantic reasons but it’s actually for economic reasons.
My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she will leave me.
It put me in a very difficult position.
Have you ever smelled mothballs? How did you get his little legs apart?
The local farmer has grown the first ever field of lady’s toys!
He’s now having a problem with squatters.
I've just got myself an Eastern European cleaning lady, but it took her four hours to hoover my house today.
Turns out she's a Slovac.
Penelope to the doctor. "I'm having trouble with discharges."
Doc. OK, Penelope. take off you knickers, pop over and sit on the table with your legs apart."
Doctor puts on a surgical glove and inserts three fingers to her vagina.
"How does that feel, Penelope?"
"Fooking fantastic, but I only came to see you about my ears!"
As a painter, I'm very proud to be able to say some of my work can now be seen in the National Gallery.
I did the skirting boards.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay for the 3rd time.
The attractive blonde from next door came round complaining about her underwear disappearing off the washing line, and threatened to call the police.
I nearly shit her pants!
Don't treat your girlfriend like a old western saloon,
Liquor in front,poker in the rear.
I read in the Yorkshire Post just the other day that that the latest craze in Leeds nightclubs is to inject ecstasy directly into the mouth for the best hit.......
The craze is called 'e by gum'
A bloke is being interviewed for a job, the interviewer asks him his name. He replies "It's David Fuck Bollocks Twat [at][at][at][at] Pissflaps Turner" The interviewer asks "Do you suffer from Tourettes David"? The bloke replied "No, but the Vicar at my christening did".
The following conversation took place on an airplane.
Son: Daddy I'm scared what if the plane goes down.
Dad: Don’t worry son your mum is on board and she never goes down.
Son: What?
Dad: I mean just play with your iPad.
Guy: That's a not a photocopier that's a shredder. And what have you done to your ass?
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
A man was telling me how he has bad luck so i said to him listen buddy my luck is so bad it could be raining titties and i would be hit in the face by a dick
Master Chief And Three Lieutenants
One day, a Master Chief went to the Officer's Club with his Captain to eat lunch. When they entered the main dining room, they found the place was quite crowded.
They did notice three Lieutenants sitting at a table with two empty chairs, so the Captain asked them if they could join them. They promptly invited them to join them. They ordered lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate. At one point, the Master Chief mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could determine the sources of their commissioning. The Lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.
The Master Chief turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went through ROTC. The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how he had noted this. The Master Chief replied that the Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.
The Master Chief then told the Lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service. The Lieutenant confirmed that this was correct and also asked how he had determined this. The Master Chief said, again through his conversation, that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.
The Lieutenant across the table from the Master Chief asked if he had determined his source of commission. The Master Chief replied that the Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if he had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the United States Naval Academy. The Master Chief replied that it was none of these that led to his determination.
He had simply observed the Lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.
These two Thai birds pulled me in a pub and asked me if I wanted a threesome. They said it would be like winning the lottery.
They were right, we had six matching balls.
My wife just kicked me in the shin and called me a compulsive liar. I was lucky really, another inch to the left and she would've got my dick!!