Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?"
She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
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Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?"
She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new Taser!
A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
I've just found out I've won two tickets to the Euro Final, but it's on the same day as my wedding so I obviously can't go.
So if you fancy it, it's at St. Mary's Church in Chichester and the girl's name is Joanne.
^, ^^, ^^^ and ^^^^ :smileylaughing:
:smileylaughing::smileylaughing:Quote:
Originally Posted by harrybarracuda
Now that is good news. As she signed an agreement that if she remarried my payments to her would stop.Quote:
Originally Posted by harrybarracuda
Thanks
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat ?
The wheelchair.
I used to be into sadism, bestiality and necrophilia, but I quit because I was flogging a dead horse.
Oooo. Nasty.Quote:
Originally Posted by toslti
Similarly, you have to be careful when and to whom you tell this one:
Nahh....I typed it, but it's just too sick.
A man gets home to find his girlfriend sitting on the bed crying with her bags packed.
He says "What's wrong with you?".
She says "I'm leaving you. I've just been told you're a paedophile".
He says "That's a big word for a nine year old".
You just thought that up harry.
funny shorts ffs.
Nah... it's an oldie... should go
An Arab comes home to find his wife crying.. he says my dear what is the matter.
She says the neighbor just told me you are a pedophile...
A bus full of paraplegics has been involved in a serious accident.Quote:
Originally Posted by SiLeakHunt
Police say it took 3 hours to cut the bus out of the wreckage.
Another nasty one that I can't help laughing at even though the subject is very distasteful.....Quote:
Originally Posted by harrybarracuda
OK, so this is the one I previously decided against as it's also very nasty...
Edit: Nope...just too disgusting. Shouldn't laugh at it.
Following the collapse of Meatloaf on stage, I went online to Google to find out his latest condition
All I got was recipes.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a none-too-bright chap listened intently to the instructor who told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The non-too-bright chap asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question," said the instructor. "When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, the none-too-bright chap asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Quote:
Originally Posted by toslti
Would have been better if you said: "When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize YOUR FRIENDS faces on the ground."
I can't RECOGNIZE people I do NOT know. 555
Just joking.
Congratulations Any Winehouse over three years sober.
i sprayed a spider with axe body spray to kill it but now its name is chad and he's fucking all the girl spiders in my house
I was in Asda earlier today and the cashier asked the Polish couple in front if they wanted any help packing their bags.
I thought crikey, we only voted 2 days ago, give them a chance.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table,
with all my buddies watching, while your girl friend whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.
Little billy was watching TV in his bedroom. He comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?" His father looks at him horrified and tells him all about sex and why a woman's vagina gets wet. Billy just sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement. His dad asks, "So, what you been watching billy?" Billy replies, "Wimbledon!"
:rofl:
Classic.Quote:
Originally Posted by charleyboy
I was at the patent office to register my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, “A folding bottle.”
She said, “Okay, what do you call it?”
“A Fottle.”
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.” “What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She sniggered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
^ :rofl:
If France can hold out for 90 mins against Germany on Thursday evening in the Euro 2016 semi final, they will beat their previous record they set in 1940 !
Hi Bubba hear you have a new wife ?
Yea Abner
Whats she like Bubba ?
Shes a bit dirty Abner.
Hows that Bubba ?
Well if I want a piss at night I gotta go outside because the sinks always full of dirty dishes.
STOP PRESS:
Man abducted by aliens seeks probe
My arse was sore after a curry.
The wife said "ringsting?"
I said ''what the fuck will he know about it?"
^ probably quite a lot...
https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2016/07/551.jpg
Why Are Hemorrhoids Called "hemorrhoids" Instead Of "assteroids"?
The 10 assteroids I have on my IGNORE LIST will either DIE or go to jail or just flounce. I don't give a rats' ass how they go away, I know this would be a better FORUM without these people. When is PC going to DIE like it should.
I've split up with my girlfriend because she says all I do is talk about football.
I'm so upset, I was with her for 5 seasons.
The Mrs has finally persuaded me to get some help with my drinking.
So I've got four mates coming over tonight for a piss up.
I saw a fortune teller the other day that said I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny, spooky or what.?
Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.
Wrong thread?Quote:
Originally Posted by Eliminator
Quote:
Originally Posted by birding
Yes it is and THANK GOD for that. All the other religions of the world MAKE MONEY and give NOTHING back.
I see people PRAYING for help for a sick child or parent. I tell them: Go to your CHURCH/ whatever stupid religion and ask them for help,
I know of land owned by the Catholic that rent to people that run ABORTION clinics.
SO sorry OFF TOPIC
What's the difference between a NEW whore and an OLD one?
A new whore will use KY jelly and an old one will use:
Polly Grip. Poligrip® Strong Hold
????Quote:
Originally Posted by Eliminator
You a fukking senile.