555 David44.
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555 David44.
I just read a list of "The 100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.
Teacher asks the kids in her class what their fathers did for a living."Mary, what does your dad do?""He"s a doctor, miss.""Joe, what does your dad do?"He"s a pilot, miss.""Billy, what"s your dad do?""My dad"s dead, miss.""Oh Billy, I"m so sorry............what did he do before he died?""He turned purple, farted and fell on the dog, miss."
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's under two."
She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
I bought a self-help tape the other day.It was called "How to handle disappointment."When I opened the box, it was empty.
555 I like that one :)
My girlfriend just came down the stairs dressed as Lara Croft & said to me "Alright Brad?"
The stupid cow thinks its the season to be Jolie
Well it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job.
I really do hope it's me this year.
My wife and I were blissfully happy for 20 years.
Then we met.
Little Johnny goes into school after being absent the previous day,His teacher demands, "where were you yesterday?""I"m sorry Miss, my dad got burnt," replies Johnny."Oh,I"m sorry,I hope it wasn"t serious," says the teacher.To which Johnny replies, "well, they don"t fuck about at the crematorium."
^ that joke is on Rodney Rudes first album HAHAHAHA fuckya
Stevie Wonders dog pisses on his leg so stevie gives him a biscuit. Hey stevie why give the dog a biscuit when he pissed on your leg. Stevie " I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass. HAHAHAHAHA fuckya
funny after 12 beers
‘We had grandma for Christmas dinner.’
‘Oh really? We had turkey.’
What's a specimen
An Italian astronaut
Why did the snowman have a smiley face?
Because he heard the snowblower was coming
The one thing a woman doesn’t want to find in her stockings on Xmas morning is her husband.
We probably need a thread for Dad jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
And another one for GF jokes.
:sorry1:
Especially if they are Carols!Quote:
Originally Posted by GracelessFawn
Dear Santa ,
I've been good all year. Okay most of the time. Once in awhile...F*ck it I'll buy my own shit.
^
That is your best yet. I will send you a green!
My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.
Mine hates it when I introduce her as my first wife.Quote:
Originally Posted by Maanaam
Mine hates it when she asks me if I have a mia noi. I reply with ''Yes.....you are my mia moi.''
:)
How do you titillate an ocelot?Oscillate its tit a lot.
The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you.And then it hit me.
What qualifications do you need to be a road sweeper?None. You just pick it up as you go along!
Haha, just as good :)Quote:
Originally Posted by CujoMine hates it when I introduce her as my first wife.Quote:
Originally Posted by Maanaam
Sounds like one of your own....clever. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by david44
Old public school language studies ditty. Stephen Fry et al..
cannot claim the credit a friend sent it to me, but it's oddly funny and quite a mouthfulQuote:
Originally Posted by Maanaam
Ah, yes, very Fry-et-al-esque.Quote:
Originally Posted by VocalNeal
What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?A pinball machine.
Got an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action.Eager to please, I sent her my ironing.
Genie: You have two wishes.
JOHN: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. Now what is you 2nd wish?
RICH: I want lots of money.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
Wife comes home from doing the shopping one day and sees her husband sitting on the sofa with a hairdryer blowing on his cock.The wife asks, "What the hell are you doing?"The husband replies, "Just heating up your dinner!
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don
Belgium : A country invented by the British to annoy the French.- Charles de Gaulle
A very sad day today. After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of all that training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an excellent mortician.
The Three Wise Men arrived to visit the Child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph. "It's better than Derek."
Why do they call camels the ship of the desert?
Its full of Arab seamen
I remember back when I met my girlfriend and took her home to meet the family for the first time.
Wife hit the fuckin' roof.
Why wasn"t Christ born in America?They couldn"t find three wise men and a virgin.
Friendship between Women: A woman didn"t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend"s house. The man called his wife"s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship between Men:
A man didn"t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy"s house. The woman called her husband"s 10 best Friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
You got to wonder what went through Josephs mind when the night his son was born 3 swarthy dudes he didn't know turned up with gifts.Quote:
Originally Posted by david44
You've got to wonder what went through his mind when his missus told him a ghost got her pregnant.Quote:
Originally Posted by CujoYou got to wonder what went through Josephs mind when the night his son was born 3 swarthy dudes he didn't know turned up with gifts.Quote:
Originally Posted by david44
Probably thought she said "goat".Quote:
Originally Posted by harrybarracudaYou've got to wonder what went through his mind when his missus told him a ghost got her pregnant.Quote:
Originally Posted by CujoYou got to wonder what went through Josephs mind when the night his son was born 3 swarthy dudes he didn't know turned up with gifts.Quote:
Originally Posted by david44