OMG did you just write OMG?Quote:
Originally Posted by Eliminator
Are you a sixteen year old girl?
Can someone quote this please so he can see it and please RED that fucking gay ass faggot dickhead , thanks.
Im all out.
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OMG did you just write OMG?Quote:
Originally Posted by Eliminator
Are you a sixteen year old girl?
Can someone quote this please so he can see it and please RED that fucking gay ass faggot dickhead , thanks.
Im all out.
Looked at a house built by two lesbians,all tongue and groove,not a stud in sight.
I went to the library and asked the lady for a book about tortoises. She asked: “Hardback?” and I said: “Yeah, and tiny little heads.”
Was in a job interview today where the manager handed me a laptop and said "I want you to try and Sell this to me".
So I left with it under my arm.
2 hours later he was on the phone......................... give me my laptop back.
I just said "£200 and it yours."
Best of the Fringe (allegedly):
Just switched from eating venison to pheasant. Absolute game-changer.
Darren Walsh
Apparently the worst ways to propose are: in a public place, right after sex and in front of your parents. I’m assuming those are three different ones …
Robin Morgan
Are headphones getting bigger or are idiots getting smaller?
Henry Paker
I bought my nephews some Cisformers for Christmas. They start off as cars – and stay that way.
Bethany Black
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies. But before you know it, you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.
Olaf Falafel
The reason pandas are so popular is diversity – they’re black, white and Asian.
Rhys James
Brexit is like Boris Johnson’s hair – very messy, but acceptable anywhere outside of London.
Shazia Mirza
I lost my virginity. Well, I didn’t lose it, I gave it away. For charity. It’s the biggest non-tax-deductible donation I’ve made.
Felicity Ward
I asked all of my black and minority ethnic friends if they thought I was racist or not, and they both said that I wasn’t.
Bridget Christie
I recently learned that being in the vegan club is the exact opposite of being in fight club. In that, the first rule of vegan club is: tell everyone about vegan club; and the second rule of vegan club is: tell everyone about vegan club; and then the third rule is: don’t eat meat etc.
Tez Ilyas
Just too PC to be funny...
I have it on good authority that the Boris Johnson appointment was a mistake.
Apparently Theresa May received a text message from her deputy saying : "What shall we tell Boris to do?".
She texted back "F. Off." and so they announced his appointment to the Foreign Office.....
Paddy runs into a bank, whips out his gun and screams.
"Everybody on the floor or you're all gonna be Geography."
"Don't you mean History?"
Paddy. "Don't change the fookin' subject!"
Old man hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years.
The hitman says. "I'll shoot her just below the left tit."
Old man. "Don't be fookin' stoopid, I want her dead not fookin' kneecapped!"
My wife just said to me..."Look at this, I've had it since we got married twenty years ago and it still fits me."
I said. "It's a fookin' scarf!"
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.
I saw an ad that said, "Radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full".
I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down."
My wife bought one of those see-through negligees.
You could see everything. Tracksuit bottoms, tank top...
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
:rofl:.Quote:
Originally Posted by charleyboy
London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.)
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, esp ecially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."
Not funny, not short.
Have a red.
^ No but it is a plausible story. At least with older cabbies:-)
An Aussie mate of mine was asked if he would give the Mullah? ( the guy who looks after the mosque) a ride about 1.5km from the front gate into the townsite. My mate said "No". Let him ride in a "songtaew", or get a ride, with the rest of the believers.
And also not new. The same thing was posted 2 years ago (page 89).Quote:
Originally Posted by kingwilly
https://teakdoor.com/jokes-and-funny-...ml#post2847867
Cheers, I'll make sure to red that one too!Quote:
Originally Posted by NevernaAnd also not new. The same thing was posted 2 years ago (page 89).Quote:
Originally Posted by kingwilly
https://teakdoor.com/jokes-and-funny-...ml#post2847867
Breaking into cars in a multi-story carpark is wrong on so many levels.
I was in HomePro the other day in the timber section, some bloke came up to me in and asked if I wanted decking! Luckily I got the first punch in before it got ugly.
^ ^^ Both short and sweet.
^and fookin' posted several times before!
The Fringe top 3:
My dad wants me to get an organ donor card. He's a man after my own heart.
Why is it old people always say "There's no place like home", but when you put them in one....
I've been happily married for four years..... out of ten.
The Top 15 (apparently):
"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol
A little boy asks his dad.
'What's between mum's legs?'
'Paradise.' His father replies.
The son asks.
'What's between your legs?'
'The key to paradise.'
The son replies.
'Word of advice dad, change the lock, that coont next door has a spare key!'
My son was going out, I said.
'Where are you going?'
He said.
'To meet a girl.'
I said. 'Don't forget to wear a...You know.'
He said. 'What?'
I said. 'You know.'
He said. 'Do you mean a condom?'
I said. 'No, a fooking hat you ginger coont!'
What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?
You wouldn't pay a thousand baht to have a lentil on your face.
Quick Jokes 30-08-2016 03:55 AM mingmong thats disgusting!
Ever thought that it might be your interpretation at fault here?
Perhas you have led a sheltered life? :)
What he meant was. Paying that amount of money, is disgusting. He gets a golden shower for 50bht.Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDukeofNewcastle
police stops a car, a blonde is the driver
Licence please !
What's a Licence ?
A square plastic card with your pic on it...
The blonde finds a small plastic mirror, see herself in, hand it over, must be this !
The police women answers
OO you should have told me earlier that you are in the police as well.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? -- Anyone can roast beef.
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die...”
Sigmund Freud walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sigmund, why
the long penis? ...I mean FACE!"
First Man : My elephant fucks cats.
Second Man : Impossible
Elephant approaches cat from rear and large crowd anticipates rare coitus. Elephant lifts right foot and stamps on cat.
First Man : There we are, your cat is fucked now, isn't it ?
"Mummy, mummy, why do the other kids call me a werewolf ? "Shut up, Roger, and comb your face."
Man in railway compartment on his own wishes to defecate and relieves himself by doing so on a newspaper he has spread on the floor. He picks it up and throws it out of the window just as a guy in another compartment is leaning out of a window to admire the view.
At the end of the journey the second man remonstrates with the first by saying, " You are the most filthy despicable bastard I have ever met". To which the second replies, "You are a fine one to talk with all that shit on your face ! ".
Mother and six year old son visit a baby who has been born with no ears.
Mother : "Oh ! Doesn't he have lovely eyes, I bet he can see for miles with them ".
Son : "I bloody well hope so as he will never wear glasses."
Man visits doctor and says he has severe flatulence through his penis.
Doctor : Does this worry you unduly ?
Man : I am not bothered by it but it doesn't half put the wind up the wife.