Nigella Lawson, a beautiful wealthy woman, a brilliant cook, who now admits to doing drugs. Fucking hell Nigella, us men only need to find out you're an alcoholic who takes it up the arse, and we have found the only perfect woman.
Printable View
Nigella Lawson, a beautiful wealthy woman, a brilliant cook, who now admits to doing drugs. Fucking hell Nigella, us men only need to find out you're an alcoholic who takes it up the arse, and we have found the only perfect woman.
She's alright if you're a hippo hunter.
https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif
So following the death of Nelson Mandela, thousands of people are outside his house, dancing and singing and celebrating his life.
Yet when I did that after my Mother-in-law died, people called me a c**t.
Nelson gets to the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter says "So what have you done to deserve coming into heaven?".
Nelson says "Well I've fought inequality and prejudice my entire life, and united a nation".
"Fair enough", says St. Peter, "The kaffir's entrance is at the back".
Nelson mandela has died at 95, thats 5 miles per hour quicker than paul walker!
A cortege bearing Nelson Mandela's body will travel through Pretoria for three days ahead of his burial next Sunday....
This could get interesting if South Africa lives up to its reputation as the carjacking capital of the world.
It's a good job that Nelson Mandela was imprisoned back then instead of now.
I can't imagine he'd be such an inspirational figure if he just had a 3 month suspended sentence with 80 hours of community service.
I wonder if they will stand Nelson Mandela's coffin upright and jam a tyre over the top of it before setting it alight?
Just to remind him of the good old days.
Show me a man who calls himself a vegan,
and I'll show you a man who's trying to shag a vegan.
I bought one of those 'Greek-style' yogurts.
There was nothing in the pot.
My wife just walked in on me watching "Menstrual Lesbian Babes" on the internet.
There were red faces all round.
Of course, there is this one:
There was a white horse.
It fell in the mud.
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?
''NO!' they answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?
'Again, the answer was 'NO!
''If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!
I was bursting with pride, and continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out: 'You gotta be fukin dead!'
During a row my wife shouted at our son "You're just like your dad, always jumping to wrong conclusions!"
I was devastated. I'd always assumed i was his father.
As I put the finishing touches to my cat's Facebook page, it got me thinking.
I wonder if anyone will come to my funeral?
Wife said to me. "I've got an hour glass figure."
I replied. "Yeah, but there's a fookin' lot of sand in it!"
Had a fookin pneumatic drill outside my bedroom window last night...
Thank fook it wasn't turned on!
Was in bed with my Chinese girlfriend, I happened to remark that her fanny seemed to getting bigger.
She went mad and said "You always clittysizing"
:)
David Beckham gets into a taxi and notices the driver looking at him in the rear-view mirror.
After a couple of minutes the driver says: "OK, give me a clue."
Beckham says: "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England. Is that enough?"
Driver replies: "No, you thick bastard. Where do you want to go?”
Finished watching the Thailand open golf championship's this afternoon.
A young Japanese lad came in joint fourth.
His name is Yuki Kono.
I wonder if he's related to John Lennon's widow?
You know when you're getting old.
I was watching porn last week and found myself thinking:
"F*ck me, that bed looks comfy!"
Black woman having trouble getting pregnant . Decides to get help and sends hubby to docs.
Guy comes strutting in the house head held high, big grin on his face.
Wha' happened at the doctors honey chile...your so happy and proud
Well the doc says ise important so is walking like ise important
groan...
Thousands are gathered outside Nelson Mandela house but Dell Boy and Rodney have told them all to sod off
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen. All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up, some of us have a home to go to".
Sorry, I don't get it.:confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by toslti
Made my day, well, at least my morning.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God..'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
The the other day, a woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong; I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The doctor looks and says, "Those aren't postage stamps, they're the stickers off your bananas"
Quote:
Originally Posted by KoojoSorry, I don't get it.:confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by toslti
It is more of a British thing.... it's from a comedy named Only Fools and Horses.
I've heard of it but don't get the Mandela connection.Quote:
Originally Posted by tosltiQuote:
Originally Posted by KoojoSorry, I don't get it.:confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by toslti
It is more of a British thing.... it's from a comedy named Only Fools and Horses.
Del and Rodney live in a tower block called Nelson Mandela house.Quote:
Originally Posted by Koojo
They live in a block of flats called Nelson Mandela House ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by KoojoI've heard of it but don't get the Mandela connection.Quote:
Originally Posted by tosltiQuote:
Originally Posted by KoojoSorry, I don't get it.:confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by toslti
It is more of a British thing.... it's from a comedy named Only Fools and Horses.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
Only Fools and Horses - Wikipedia, the free encyclopediaQuote:
Originally Posted by KoojoI've heard of it but don't get the Mandela connection.Quote:
Originally Posted by tosltiQuote:
Originally Posted by KoojoSorry, I don't get it.:confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by toslti
It is more of a British thing.... it's from a comedy named Only Fools and Horses.
I did some DIY with my step-ladder last weekend....I've never really got on with my real ladder.
Groan...
impo'tant! impo'tant!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by crepitas
Well if Ronnie Biggs makes it to heaven he will at least have something to talk to Nelson Mandela about.
Prison.
All this news about the Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs makes me laugh...
He tried to rob a train once, and got caught once...
That's hardly 'great' is it? It's not even frigging good!
Q. Who's the coolest person working in a hospital?
A. The ultra-sound man.
Q. Who covers for him when he's on holiday?
A. The hip replacement guy.
Paddy goes to his mate Murphy, and says "Is that your new car Murphy?" "Yes" says Murphy,
"But its a Toyota" Paddy said, "True" says Murphy.
"You said you wanted a Nissan" said Paddy, "Yea" said Murphy
"I did but I heard Nissan main dealer was dead, so I though, better be safe and buy a Toyota."