https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2012/11/1966.jpgQuote:
Originally Posted by Minnie Maugham
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https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2012/11/1966.jpgQuote:
Originally Posted by Minnie Maugham
^ Txs for locating photos, TizBear. :)
^Polish no doubt!
:train: :trainwreck: :wreck:
Overheard at school in Sacramento California,,,,,,,,,,,
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "**** the Japs."
"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, We're screwed!"
Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 6, 2012."
Got caught wanking by my Mum today, hell of a time for her to come out of a 3 year coma.
:smileylaughing: Nice one, Dave.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OhOh
she will polish your pipe?
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose.
May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him
hard across the face. He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said 'I looked up beautiful climbing rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said,
"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed.'
These new 3D TVs are so realistic. I fell asleep whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke my bloody wallet was gone :)
^ 5555
Bought the wife a new perfume called Chloroform, But she says she doesn't like it, It makes her feel sleepy and gives her a sore bum...
THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot.
So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We don't let just anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit? " queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
It's predicted that by 2025, no living person will be more than six feet away from an ex- Chelsea manager! :)
My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets, can't believe gavisgon :)
Feel sorry for Roberto Di Matteo being sacked by Chelsea FC. He got home early and found John Terry in bed with his wife.
I went to hospital with a toilet brush up my arse.
The doctor said, "How did this happen?"
I said, "Well I met this bird in a club, one thing led to another and we ended up back at mine..."
He said, "Into the kinky stuff was she?"
I said, "No ... my wife was home".
.................................................. ......
Apparently, I'm not allowed to say "black paint" anymore because it's racist.
Instead I have to be politically correct and say: "Please paint that wall, Tyrone."
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada
A variation on an oldie.....but a goodie :smileylaughing:
Pastor Brown's phone rings.
"Hello?"
"Is that Pastor Brown?"
"Yes."
"This is the IRS. May I ask if you have a parishioner named Frank Goldwin?"
"Yes, Mr Goldwin is a church member," says the pastor.
"Has he made a $100,000 contribution to your church?"
"No, but he will."
Finally took the new girlfriend home to meet the family last week.
The wife hit the fucking roof.
Ne'er mind, I messed up. :)https://teakdoor.com/images/smilies1/You_Rock_Emoticon.gif
OK...
NEW! 'A**ICONS'
(_!_) regular a**
(__!__) fat a**
(!) tight a**
(_*_) a**hole
{_!_} swishy a**
(_o_) a** that's been around
(_x_) kiss my a**
(_X_) leave my a** alone
(_zzz_) a tired a**
(_E=mc2_) smart a**
(_$_) Money coming out of his a**
(_?_) Dumb A** (Ant)
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
(_ow_)
...pain in the butt
A bloke noticed a woman giving him the eye in the supermarket. "Do I know you?" he asked. She replied, "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?" His mind flooded back to the only time he'd ever been unfaithful and said, "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my stag do while snorting a line off your tits and your mate whipped me and rammed that massive cucumber up my arse?" She stared at him and said, "No. I'm your daughter's teacher!"
I've just picked up my copy of the 'Chelsea FC Official Calendar 2013', it's got a different manager for every month.
I just bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked "Will you be putting it up yourself?" I replied "NO! You sick bastard, It's going in the living room!"
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche :)
Paddy took a pair of stuffed dogs to be appraised at "Antique Roadshow".
The presenter got all excited and said these were done by Andrews Brothers Taxidermists in London at the turn of the century, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?
"Sticks?" said Paddy
Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.
I said, 'Naaahhh!'
Then they said, 'Come on, it's a tourny for handicapped and blind kids.'
Then I thought...
Fuck - I could win this!
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon,Wiltshire (U.K.)
These are genuine answers from 16 year olds:
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and theabdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains theheart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O and U
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
^I need to clean my screen now, thanks.
I've just been diagnosed with colour blindness. It come completely out of the green.
It's so obvious it should be an oldie but i never heard it before.Quote:
Originally Posted by Moonraker
Funny.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
.................................................. ....................
A man owned a small farm in the south west of WA.
The Department of Consumer & Employment Protection heard that he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an agent down to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $450 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
.................................................. ........
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got
into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like
"Brian!
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like
that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he
could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a
woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if
she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes
highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
f****ing' widow."