Whenever my wife gets all hot and flushed, she likes it when I blow some air on her to cool her down. But to be honest, I am not a fan.
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Whenever my wife gets all hot and flushed, she likes it when I blow some air on her to cool her down. But to be honest, I am not a fan.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.
I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"
The guy says, "BAD DOG!"
A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."
"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."
So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!"
"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am.
A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?""No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"
A guy and a dog walk into a bar. The guy is bragging to everyone that his dog can talk . The bartender calls him over and says, "So your dog can talk, huh?" The guy says yes. Then the bartendersays, "So, if I gave your dog a dollar he would go out and buy me a newspaper?" The guy says yes, gives the dog a dollar and sends him out.Three hours later the dog hasn't come back yet, so the owner and the bartender go looking for him. A block from the bar, they look down an alley and see the dog humping a female dog. The guy yells, "Wow, I've never seen you do that before!"
The dog says, "Well I've never had money before."
I was going to tell you a joke about boxing but I forgot the punch line
- I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
- I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Wadda cal a man with a rubba toe?
Roberto
New Pizza via drone at Beer O'Clock
yep it's pie in the ky
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock.
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese, that's the wurst käse scenario
Well son, in the '90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl's door and actually drool.
I’m reading an antigravity book.
It’s impossible to put it down
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Just went to my first Muslim birthday party.
Musical chairs took ages, but fuck me did Pass the Parcel go quickly!
efine dilemma .... hmmm ....
Imagine you are in a bed in between a really attractive naked woman and a gay bloke...
Which one are you going to turn your back on?Define dilemma .... hmmm ....
Imagine you are in a bed in between a really attractive naked woman and a gay bloke...
Which one are you going to turn your back on?
^ Your dilemma is being in bed with a gay bloke.
Thank you for teaching me the meaning of plethora.
It means a lot.
So if you meet a woman and she apologizes, admits she is wrong and says she is sorry, dump her immediately. She is probably a man. Women do not do that shit. :)
I failed a job interview last week.
Apparently a gangbang isn't a good example to show that you work well in a team.
I just ended a 10 year relationship.
Oh, are you okay?
Sure, it wasn't mine.
MBA comes in handy sometimes. Married But Available.
I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."
“That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?”
“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”
I called the doctor this morning and told her I’d had the shits for 3 weeks.
She said, "Don't worry, another three weeks and they'll be back at school".
Wadda you call
a man with a seagull on his head CLIFF
a man in a paper bag Russel
a man in a bog Pete
a man in Pattaya Dick
a man under a car Jack
Best of 2024 Edinburgh festival
Simmons, who got into comedy more than a decade ago after his friend convinced him to do an open mic night, won the television channel U&Dave’s funniest joke of the fringe award with “I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it”.
The joke, taken from his PHB’s Free Fringe show at the Liquid Room Annexe, was included in an anonymous shortlist of 15 one-liners put to 2,000 members of the public.
Also considered worthy was his Olympics gag: “I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton. Well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.”
2. I’ve been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don’t feel like I’m progressing. It’s just one step forward, two steps back. Alec Snook
3. Ate horse at a restaurant once – wasn’t great. Starter was all right, but the mane was dreadful. Alex Kitson
4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. Arthur Smith
5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton. Well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it. Mark Simmons
6. My dad used to say to me: “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes. Olaf Falafel
7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? Chelsea Birkby
8. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had. Zoë Coombs Marr
9. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person. My pronouns are “there, there”. Sarah Keyworth
I had a mate who taught his dog to play trumpet on the London Underground. He said they went from Barking to Tooting in just over an hour.
^ He should have called in to Houndslow and Dogenam East!
This Forum is a Joke :deadhorsebig:
Very good , Woof Woof
The secret to life is to handle every situation like a dog: If you can’t play with it, eat it or screw it, just pee on it and walk away.