I was at the pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed though.
He blew his whistle so fucking loud I nearly fell in.
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I was at the pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed though.
He blew his whistle so fucking loud I nearly fell in.
Spain completed 800 passes against the Republic of Ireland. The only way England could top that would be to enter Wayne Rooney in Mastermind
Love that :rofl:Quote:
Originally Posted by daveboy
Pastor John Flapps sees a lady church member gettin drunk in a pub. He tries to take her home but they fall & he ends up on top of her. Landlord shouts "Oi mate u can't do that in ere!" Rev replies "U don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps". Landlord says "Oh well, if yr that far in u may as well finish!
Lost my job as a bingo caller last night. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is an unacceptable way to describe the number 69.
I've already told that one, you theiving shit! Koojo threatened to green me for it.Quote:
Originally Posted by daveboy
https://teakdoor.com/jokes-and-funny-...-jokes-35.html
How many times!
A Chinese man enters a bar to find a Black bartender. He says, "Hey
nigger, give me a jigger."
The Bartender responds, "That's terrible! How would you like it if I
said something like that to you? In fact, let's just switch places. You get
behind the bar and I'll come in as a customer."
The Chinese man agrees and gets behind the bar. The Black man goes outside.
Upon reentering, he says, "Hey Chink, give me a drink."
To which the Chinese man answers, "Sorry, we don't serve niggers
here."
A little old lady spots Rolf Harris in Tesco's, so she taps him on the should and asks '"Are you that bloke that did 'Two Little Boys' back in the 70's"?
"No", he says, "That was Gary Glitter".
An Indian man was arrested for beating his wife up today, Chinda Gudunproppa said he is innocent!
I don't blame Ashley Young for missing his penalty. It must have been confusing for him, taking a spot kick without diving first.
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician."
I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be so old-fashioned," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.
Did you here about the Indian mechanic?Quote:
Originally Posted by daveboy
Pindun Dajeep
Paddy and Mick are having an arguement, and Mick says, ''You are a [at][at][at][at]! You've always been a [at][at][at][at] and you always will be a [at][at][at][at]. Everything about you makes you a [at][at][at][at], an utter [at][at][at][at] and complete [at][at][at][at]. In fact, if you entered a [at][at][at][at] competition you'd come 2nd for sure!'' Paddy says, "Why wouldn't I win?'' Mick replies, "Because you're a [at][at][at][at]!
I used to hate having to go to weddings when I was younger. All my relatives and friends would prod me and shout "You next. You next!" and burst out laughing. But I am getting my own back now. I prod them at funerals and shout "You next. You next!" - but it's only me who bursts out laughing.
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
News flashes:
1. Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
Just driving by Barlinnie prison and saw a knotted sheet with a dwarf climbing out of one of the windows. My mate. Said "look at that midget",I said thats a little con descending.
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka.
"We don't serve string here," the bartender said.
So the string left, walked around the block, and back into the bar where he ordered a shot of whiskey.
"I told you, we don't serve string here," the bartender repeated.
The string went outside, tousled up his hair and tied himself in half.
He went back into the bar and ordered a beer.
The bartender looked at the string and said, "Hey, aren't you that string that's been trying to order a drink all afternoon?"
"I'm a frayed knot," the string replied.
^^ Nice one Dave
Irishman, Aussie and a scouser in a bar, they spot Jesus sitting on his own.
They each send a drink over & Jesus sups each pint slowly. When he's finished he walks over to the Irish fella, shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guiness.
"Blimey" says the paddy "Me arthritis has gone!" Jesus then thanks the Aussie for the Fosters. "Crikey, my bad back has dissapeared". Jesus turns to the scouse, who is running away screaming "F*CK OFF I'M ON DISABILITY !
Tom visits Dave who's laid up at home with a broken leg.
Dave says "Me feet are freezing mate, can you nip upstairs and get my slippers?"
"No probs" says Tom.
Upstairs Dave's stunning 19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their bed.
"Hello girls, your Dad sent me to shag you two."
"Fuck off you liar!" they said.
"I'll prove it." said Tom and he shouts downstairs
"Both of them Dave?"
"Of course! What's the point of fuckin one?!"
Towel Heads................
Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically
incorrect term, so please note:
We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.
I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists,
who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since
the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact a small
folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as
"Little Sheet Heads".
Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter........
INVITATION
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can’t come let us know.
P.S You will be disqualified if you come early.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!!?
Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... As ye wish.
I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to
a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition
convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country
club... (takes a breath)..... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve
on board my new yacht in the Riviera .'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff..... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant .
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'
Today is the 75th anniversary of the emergency phone number 999.
I called it to wish them a Happy Birthday.
They weren't very appreciative. Grumpy fuckers.
Little johnny wakes up on his birthday and runs down stairs sees his nan and says it my birthday guess how old i am ? Nan says ooo im not sure! Im ten im ten yells johnny. He runs off to find grandad. Its my birthday today guess how old i am ?grandad looks at him and puts his hands down johnny"s pants he plays with his knob and balls for half an hour , then says your ten, little johnny looks up and says how do u know that ? I heard u tell your nan replies grandad.
The problems of globalisation A world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South Africa they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.*
* Telemarketers
.
.
.
I was in the gym this afternoon when i noticed a hole in my trainer,
just big enough to get my finger in.
Anyway, she has now made a formal complaint and ive been banned for life.
the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
I think my girlfriend has Photo Sensitive Epilepsy. Just shown her a photo of me shagging her sister and she had a fucking fit.
My brother John has got Alzheimers, I hope to god it doesn't run in the family, because my brother John has got Alzheimers.
Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.
Three women, 1 engaged, 1 a mistress and 1 married.
They decide to treat their men by wearing black stockings, suspenders, black leather basque, black knee-high leather boots and a leather face-mask.
Later the engaged woman explained how her man jumped her and ravaged her all night! The mistress said "Me as well, we had wild dirty sex all night long".
The married women said " My husband came in, slapped me on the arse and said 'what's for tea Batman?'
higgs boson goes into a catholic church
priest says " you can't come in ere"
why not,, without me you can't do MASS.
40% of men over 40 suffer from erection problems.
Looking at 40% of women over 40, it's not fucking difficult to see why.....
So they've finally found the Higgs boson, the particle that gives matter its mass.
I could have saved them a lot of time, it looks like my wife's been hiding loads of them.
:smileylaughing::smileylaughing::smileylaughing::s mileylaughing:Quote:
Originally Posted by clueless
Tramp walks into a pub...
Tramp walks into a pub, immediately the barman approaches him and says..we do not serve your kind in here so leave now.
The tramp says, I don't want a drink...I want a tooth pick please. the barman gives him a toothpick and throws him out.
Two minutes later, another tramp walks in, again the barman rushes to him and again he says...We do not serve your kind in here so leave now.
Again the second tramp says...I don't want a drink...I want a toothpick. The barman gives him a toothpick and throws him out.
One minute later, a third tramp walks in, the barman now positively pissed with all of this, rushes up the the tramp and says...WE DO NOT SERVE YOUR KIND IN HERE, I will NOT serve a drink or give you a toothpick.
The tramp says, I don't want any of those...I want a straw!
Now the barman is totally confused, he says, I will give you a straw if you explain what the f**ks going on with the toothpicks and the straw.
The tramp says...Well you see, someone has puked up outside and all the best bits are gone...
I was having my tea watching TV, there was an Oxfam advert on with a dying malnourished child with flies on his face, I had knots in my stomach, a lump in my throat and tears running down my cheeks, it was at that moment I thought to myself "Fuck me this curry's hot!"
I was sat on the bus this morning when i noticed the beautiful young woman sitting next to me was reading a book titled
''Strange but true sexual facts''.
"Interesting?'' i asks.
''Yes'' she replies, ''For instance, did you know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and an Irishman has the thickest?
Oh, I'm sorry" she continued, my name's Helen & yours?" ...
''Tonto O'Riley "
After shagging Cheryl Cole the other day I'd like to say 2 things...
1. Her boobies aren't that great...probably implants...
and...
2. The staff at Madame Tussaud's are miserable fuckers!!
paddy just got 10 years for armed robbery
fok it he says
the wife will be along soon and i'll be outta here
how come paddy,, you got 10 years ?
oh she never lets me finish a sentence.