I got a hand job from a blind girl last night. She said "You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on." I replied "Nah, you're just pulling my leg."
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I got a hand job from a blind girl last night. She said "You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on." I replied "Nah, you're just pulling my leg."
My cock is like a toaster.
It wont pop up if the crumpets too big!
Most men like to think they are marrying a nymphomaniac but after a few years the nympho goes and just leaves the f***ing maniac
Yesterday I removed the shell from my racing snail, but it made him a bit sluggish
I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a Thai who had just fallen off his mocyc. I frantically rushed outside shouting "Out of my way!" as I pushed through the crowd. "Are you a doctor? " one woman asked. "No" I replied, "Thats my fuckin pizza"
I went to the doctors suffering with premature ejaculation, he said it must be very stressful for your partner. I said to be perfectly honest it's getting on her tits.
A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."
He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes..
There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and a woman sitting together on a plane.
The pilot made an apologetic announcement that the passenger lighting was faulty and may go out for periods of time during their journey.
Right on cue, the lights went out and it was completely dark. Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud SLAP.
When the lights came back on, the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman had a nasty red slap mark on his face.
The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead."
The woman was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it."
The English guy was thinking: "This is great. The next time the power goes out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French guy again."
A group of pensioners were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the local pub. "My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this drink" said one. "Yes, I know" said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see mine." "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled" volunteered a third one. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you” said one elderly lady. “I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am and where I'm going" said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old" winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings" said a woman cheerfully,
"Thank God we can all still drive."
The families of three British teenage girls thought to have run away to Syria have come together and pleaded with their daughters to come home.
"We are losing child tax credits and family allowance," claimed the girls' fathers.
:rofl::rofl::rofl:Quote:
Originally Posted by VocalNeal
Sorry, can't green you, got to spread the love.
Can someone do me a solid?
Outa ammo :rofl:
I got him for ya Koojo
As USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.
The last time Hilary had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky...
And Monica blew it.
In another BBC scandal, Sooty has been arrested for sexually assaulting a minor in the late seventies.
Police also arrested Matthew Corbett; they suspect he had a hand in it.
Private Eye cover this week is a picture of Hilary and Bill.
Hilary "It's time we had a woman in the Oval Office"
Bill "Been there, done that"
Hillary just can't eat a tube steak so she finds an apprentice to do it for her.
Hillary doesn't like equal opportunity for young people that can do a better job.
Hillary can't do her main job correctly so the employer has to OUT SOURCE to get the job done.
If Hillary can't keep ONE man happy, how the heck is she going to make all of America happy?
I think that one was covered earlier.
Good advise for today--If the shite hits the fan do NOT stand in front of it.
San Francisco Mayor says San Andreas 'not his fault'
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing........Have you farted yet?"
"No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
QUICK jokes ffs.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gazza
I just haven't got enough ammo to red snakeeyes again so quick.
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said “I bet you can’t tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time”.
The husband thought for a few moments, then said “Your pussy is tighter than your sister’s”.
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions,
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"
"Why did the Russians take Crimea?
And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions" ...
But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, a girl, Masha,puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are -
Why did the Russians invade Crimea?"
"Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"
"Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?"
"And Where is Sasha?"
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.
My wife has said that she has had enough sex and doesn't want it anymore.
Not really what you want to hear after getting back from your honeymoon.
I don't mean to brag but I finished my 2 week crash diet in 3 hours and 42 minutes.
Disgraceful scenes in London yesterday.
Three Kenyans were chased for miles round the city by thousands of white people.
.......
^ opened this thinking
this might be funny.
My wife's just ran off with our milkman. Watching them drive off on his float were the worst three hours of my life.
Lady Boadicea's chariot
Had scythes upon its wheels
That made the stoutest-hearted Romans
Turn upon their heels,
But the thing the Romans hated most,
And which gave them such a fright
Was when she'd put her left blinker on
Then charge off to the right.
Mama Mia - classic Abba song or Yorkshire kid telling his Mother he's home.
Dai proposed to Megan and it had been accepted. "But", added Megan, "before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my
past life."
"No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married."
After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Porthcawl, Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret".
"No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough."
That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see, I'm a virgin."
Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house.
"Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
"It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin."
"Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home.
If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."
Keith Harris was the only celebrity at the BBC who got away with fisting a young bird.
Apart from Jimmy Saville.
Fixed that for ya.. I thinkQuote:
Originally Posted by harrybarracuda
During sex I suddenly stopped and didn’t move.
She: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Shhht, I’ve seen it on Pornhub, it’s called buffering.”
An Englishman, a Swede and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. ‘Look at that beautiful garden,’ muses the Englishman. ‘Only an Englishman could grow a garden as beautiful as that.’ ‘Nonsense,’ says the Swede. ‘They’re naked and unashamed. They must be Scandinavian.’ ‘Rubbish,’ says the Russian. ‘No clothes, no house, one apple between them, and they’re told it’s paradise – definitely Russian.