cannot green until unpaoded but brilliant Sir Les as alwaysQuote:
Originally Posted by palexxxx
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cannot green until unpaoded but brilliant Sir Les as alwaysQuote:
Originally Posted by palexxxx
At breakfast, the husband said to his wife,
"What would you do if I won the Lottery?"
"I’d take half and I'd leave you!" she answered, emphatically.
"Great!" he responded, "I won $12 yesterday; here's $6.
Stay in touch."
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets
As another Cantor seeks a new place to sing for his supper remindee me
“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” - José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson
and for LOS
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” - Steven Wright:smileylaughing:
Beachten Sie auch während der frühe Vogel den Wurm kann, aber die zweite Maus bekommt den Käse
Early bird gets the worm,but the2nd mouse the cheese
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were
Golden Oldie just re-surfaced
“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’.” - Chris Rock:)
“When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” - Norm Crosby
“The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”
Dateline Hua Hin
local vet had an accident and broke his leg.
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my days.
A horse turned up and shot him
An old lady was in the common room of an old folks home when she passed a sad looking little old man. "What's wrong Neville?" she asked. "Doris, I miss sex! All I ever think about is rooting. Rooting!Rooting! Rooting!" exclaimed Neville. "Don't be silly Neville, you're too old to have sex!" "Doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I'd give my left nut if I could get someone to just hold it a little each day!" "Well, I can do that for you Neville" said Doris as she promptly sat next to him and fished out his wrinkled old member.
It became something of a routine between the two as every morning Doris would sit next to Neville and chat about the day, all the while holding on to his c**k.
One morning Doris arrived at their chair only to find Neville sitting next to another woman. A woman who was holding his c**k. Doris was outraged. She screamed "Neville Bartlett, you bastard! What has she got that I haven't got?" Neville squints at Doris and says "Parkinson's disease!"
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: “This door is alarmed.” I said to myself: “How do you think I feel?” ’ Arnold Brown
What has two arms, two wings, two tails, three heads and eight legs?
Think again
Crusty horseback fucking a duck
“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” - Steve Martin
A cement mixer truck collided with a prison van in Pattaya
Public are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals
My Chinese neighbour called out to me this morning - "Lik Mayall no more??"
"That's correct!", I called back. "We've had self-adhesive stamps for some time now!".
I see a man in Arizona has accidentally shot himself in the leg, whilst standing in a queue at Wal-Mart.
I've heard they call that in America, "a selfie".
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.
Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
Eating red meat isn't harmful, it's fuzzy green meat you need to watch out for.
WHAT...Ace. I had a proper belly laugh. Good stuff.Quote:
Originally Posted by david44
I just cant get excited about a sporting event where a government has spent millions funding it yet people live in squalor and deprivation. Where drugs are rife and life expectation is very low.
But enough of the Commonwealth Games, the World Cup has started.
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
"Ooh," said the TV presenter. " This is a very rare set of dogs produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers - taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?? "
"Sticks," said Paddy.
You'd have to be a bit old and English for this one...
Bill says to Ben, 'Flobalobalob.'
Ben replies...'Lying coont. You said you'd swallow!'
^Aimed at the horny mums watching no doubt.
The 2003 invasion of Iraq is not to blame for the violent insurgency now gripping the country, former UK prime minister Tony Blair has said.
Speaking to the BBC's Andrew Marr, he said there would still be a "major problem" in the country even without the toppling of Saddam Hussein in 2003.
Tony Blair
Iran-Nigeria draw: both teams to get stoned
An Essex girl was involved in a road accident and complained to the paramedic of pain in her head and neck.
"Ok, how many fingers do I have up?" asked the medic.
"Oh shit" she says, "now my fanny's gone numb too!"
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
She said, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm fucking not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fucking drunk."
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,
'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced,
'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?'
like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked,
'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said,
'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
^ :rofl: won't let me green ya. owe it
Commenting on "that" corner, Wayne Rooney said:
"I miscalculated the vector and rotational forces with respect to the negative Coriolis effect of being in the southern latitudes which placed differential angles in a manner I had not taken into account in what is, afterall, a complex integrated equation"
Rooney completes a 3 month Ron Dennis course "English for the Media" :)Quote:
Originally Posted by charleyboy
Might be he just fcuked up.Quote:
Originally Posted by charleyboy
"Doctor, I'm here about this ointment you gave me a couple of days ago for my piles. I applied it this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."
- "Hmm. Where exactly did you apply it?"
- "On the bus."
Did we have this one yet?
--
The England squad visited an orphanage in Rio de Janiero today.
" It's heartbreaking to see their little sad faces with no hope," said Bernardo, aged seven.
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport
leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him
on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry,
but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said,
"I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
England manager Roy Hodgson has set up a friendly match for the England team against Iceland to try and cheer the fans up.
If they win that game, they'll play Tesco's next Saturday and then Asda on Wednesday!
I saw a chap with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a veterinary surgeon, therefore I drive like an animal."
Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists and proctologists there are on the roads.