Life without women would be a pain in the butt, literally.
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Life without women would be a pain in the butt, literally.
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.
The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently, it's Africa !
Last night after a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa
I had to explain to him that I'm married now so that's where I sleep
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. The first clown looks at the second clown and says, "I think we're doing this wrong."
Two muffins are in the oven. One says, "Gee it's hot in here." The other screamed, "It's a talking muffin!"
"Two cannibals are eating dinner, one says "I don't like my mother-in-law", the other one says "Then just eat the vegetables."
There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."
Bloody Foreigner.
I once got an erection during a routine prostate examination.
I tried to laugh it off but it was so obvious.
Anyway.. I'm no longer a GP.
A dung beetle walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "is this stool taken"?
^, and ^^.... :rofl:
One man calls emergency: Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom! After five minutes, the same man calls back: It is OK, I found another one.
A little boy asked his mother: Mummy, why are you white and I am black? Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark.
Then there was the pedophile swan....swimming around with its head underwater looking for cygnet rings.
I'm waiting!!:tieme:Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
:confused:^ for what?
Perhaps if it had been a gay guy singing "Mama, I just killed a man...", and you grumbled, "Bloody queen", he may have got it?Quote:
Originally Posted by VocalNeal
I just put 400 pounds on a horse.
Poor fucker, but the wife insisted on riding it!
Two men walk into a bar ... you’d think one of them would have seen it!
Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’
The missus found a bit of paper with a girl's name and a number on it. I told her it was a horse I'd put a bet on.Quote:
Originally Posted by nidhogg
The next day, she gave me an almighty fucking slap. I said "What's that for?".
She said "Your horse just phoned you".
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
A farmer came up to me needing some help.
"I have 68 sheep, could you help round them up for me?".
" Yeah. 70"
A woman weightlifter goes to her doctors
“Doc, I’ve been taking steroids and now I have grown a willy”
“Anabolic?” says the doctor. “No doc, just a willy”
^ FFS @ me...took a while.
A blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !
Why do girls have legs?
Have you seen the mess snails make?
Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard?
Shut up, and give me more bullets.
A couple is in bed making love.
He asks:
- Listen, what if I put it in your ear?
- Are you crazy? I could become deaf.
- If until today you didn’t become dumb I don’t think you will become deaf.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house.
So I lifted a finger.
Apparently, it was the wrong one.
A blonde drops off a dress to the dry cleaners.
The little Asian lady says "come again!"
The blonde says, "no, its toothpaste this time."
Why did the blond get fired from her job at the m&m factory?
She threw away all the 'w's
Someone's trying to rack up their post count. Smeg?
You have 25,000+ posts and you haven't made me laugh once :chitown:Quote:
Originally Posted by Cujo
That's because you're one of those dour revolutionary types who takes himself and his opinions far too seriously.Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoYou have 25,000+ posts and you haven't made me laugh once :chitown:Quote:
Originally Posted by Cujo
anyways.....
I thought about having a threesome..
But realised if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I might as well have dinner with my parents.
What is the difference between a guy with a pony tail and a young horse.
No difference. When you lift up the ponytail underneath you will find an arsehole.
My wife said to me " you are always pushing me around and talking behind my back"
I replied "well you are in a wheel chair."
:)
A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
NO!Quote:
Originally Posted by iamcrazy
Not to be joked about.