Quick Jokes

An 8.1 earthquake hits the Middle East. Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq and Iran are totally ruined, and the governments don’t know where to start providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

The UK is sending two million replacement Muslims.

Too funny Boon, wish I could green you. 5555555555555555

Quick Jokes

Fastest cake in the Bakery?

Scone.........

Australia has just had a general election. The main concern is about the number of illegal immigrants there are.

Government sources suggest around 60,000.

Aboriginal sources say it's more like twenty two and a half million of the bastards.

I've apologised to my wife for calling her childish.

So she's 'friended' me again on Facebook.

I took the day off work yesterday because I felt really ill.

I spent the whole day in bed sweating. I threw up twice, had a severe headache and I couldn't bring myself to eat or drink a thing.

But yet somehow, from somewhere, I managed to muster up the strength for 7 wanks.

I was disappointed when I met Whoopi Goldberg.

I sat on her and she didn't fart.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kmart

I took the day off work yesterday because I felt really ill.

I spent the whole day in bed sweating. I threw up twice, had a severe headache and I couldn't bring myself to eat or drink a thing.

But yet somehow, from somewhere, I managed to muster up the strength for 7 wanks.

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Is that a joke or just an observation?

:)

^Observational humour, Harry. Observed quite a few years ago, mind.:mid:

I went a Nigerian porn site last night.

It kept asking for my wank details.

"Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?" asked my mate Dave.

"Go on then," I replied.

"NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" he screamed.

I said, "That's Superman."

He said, "Thanks, I've been practising."

I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."

He said, "Arsenal to win the Premiership."

An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant and asked "Is there any chicken on the menu?"
I replied "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."

Nurse,,, now Johnny you won't feel anyting below the waist for a while.
Johnny,,, can i feel ure tits then.

In hindsight, I should have posted my Facebook status, as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" ....

Rather than - "I've just buggered a 16 year old Escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, and my lap top's been confiscated ...

,97 XR3i...? The joke is far older than that methinks...

A man walked out onto the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian, every single time.."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star - and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! No one could ever measure up to Brian."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f-ing widow!"

^ Have a heart! Some of us have extreme masturbation issues.

One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly
a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, “Well, he’s
certainly not my husband.”

As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says,
“He’s not my husband either.”

He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

“Wait a minute,” she says. “He’s not even a member of this golf club.”

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Neo

,97 XR3i...? The joke is far older than that methinks...

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Old joke.

What's red and every cnuts got one?
A clitoris.

No an XR3i

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, "lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine sand and ash dust"

Yeah, great, nice short word for someone who can hardly breath....

I've just seen the first ever Pikey super hero,

Any old Ironman

Best chat-up line ever



“I’m Jane” she said;

"G’day, I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"

"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked

"You just ask nicely" he replied

https://teakdoor.com/images/imported/2013/09/3733.jpg

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mr Lick

Best chat-up line ever



“I’m Jane” she said;

"G’day, I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"

"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked

"You just ask nicely" he replied

---

Yes, but has it ever worked?

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."

Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

Money may not buy happiness, but it is more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a pussbike.

Paddy and Seamus, two Irishmen, open a pub but it is a total disaster and they never get any customers.

"Look, Paddy," says Seamus "I think we should close the pub and open a brothel."

"Oh don't be stupid," replies Paddy. "If we can't get them to drink beer, how are we ever going to get them to eat soup?"

History Lesson

In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony .

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men.

She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. (This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.) A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle. As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the center dancer, release them. The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their belly buttons. This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity ..... the man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.

And that is why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok .....

I'll bet you never knew this!!!

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
“Come on, what day was I born”?
I said, “Yesterday.”

I have just seen a great deal on Amazon, all of Adam and the Ants sheet music for £20 and they will throw in a stand and deliver.

Whilst strolling alongside the River Thames this morning I noticed a Muslim extremist
slip from the riverbank and fall into the water .

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been carrying.
If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.
...
Being a responsible British Citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires
you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Immigration Office and
even the Fire Service.

It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted three stamps.

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.


The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.

Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.
A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog.


She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.

The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.

She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."

The little old lady said, "It is.
I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Don't mess with old people

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers is her ear, Do you have a Dentist appointment tomorrow too?

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off
the light..

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she
would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
dildo.

A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to
me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy.. . You explain the kids.'

Yesterday saw this written on the front of a "foundation" vehicle

ECNALUBMA

Scottish Breathaliser Test - Very Funny - YouTube

Quote:

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Originally Posted by VocalNeal

ECNALUBMA

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Better than seeing...ECILOP POTS!

My wife left me because she didn't like how I made love...

...mainly with with her sister.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by nidhogg

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, "lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine sand and ash dust"

Yeah, great, nice short word for someone who can hardly breath....

---

Reminds me of the cruel twat who decided to put a letter 's' in the name for a speech impediment.

Patient- Pleath doctor, what ith thith thpeech impediment I have called?

Doctor - It's called a Lisp.

Patient - A Lithp?

Doctor - No, a Lisp.