Thread: Quick Jokes

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

^ It's all Greek to me?

Looks like he is trying to link to a photo in his yahoo account....

^ Go back and check!

v

Looks like a great translation to "go fuck yourself" to any mussie shit I've ever seen/.

Star Wars creator George Lucas has become a father at 69.

I didn't think you could get a woman pregnant that way.

Please read carefully the above joke,and think ,not as an engineer but a dirty old man.

Originally Posted by Eliminator

Star Wars creator George Lucas has become a father at 69.

I didn't think you could get a woman pregnant that way.


Well that might just explain why you can't think. A man's semen is active well after a woman can produce VIABLE eggs for reproduction. If you don't understand that concept, then you don't have a clue.

Oh dear.

Originally Posted by Eliminator

Star Wars creator George Lucas has become a father at 69.

I didn't think you could get a woman pregnant that way.


Well that might just explain why you can't think. A man's semen is active well after a woman can produce VIABLE eggs for reproduction. If you don't understand that concept, then you don't have a clue.

Whoosh.... and some fell on stony ground

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in
Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester ,
Luton and London . Apparently the giant couldn't smell any
Englishmen.

Guy can't decide whether for a holiday he want to go to Australia or Thailand. So he makes a list or pro and cons.
Australia has a lot of cons
Thailand has a lot of...

Lots of great jokes here - Thanks for sharing

Just heard that Abu Qatada's optician has died.
Asif Eyecare.

What do you call a pirate that like starting fires?

an Aaaaaaargh-sonist

^ Not a pira-maniac?

Oh yeah... but then it would have to be a pir-aaaaaaargh-maniac me hearty!

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.... 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says.
What sort of horse?', said the owner.
'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up shows the eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' The owner picks him up shows the teeth.
'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?' The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, pulls him out. The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that... 'Can I see her wun awound?

Originally Posted by Neo

Oh yeah... but then it would have to be a pir-aaaaaaargh-maniac me hearty!

Why are pirates so cool?

They just Aaaaargh.

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro Graham saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early ?

What's wrong ?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where ?', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'

Every doctors' surgery should have a poster of Stephen Hawking .
Underneath it should be the logo:
"This man is not too disabled to work"

The Daily Mail has left me slightly confused.

Do millions of immigrants come to Britain to steal our jobs or claim our benefits?

Food in the Fifties

Pasta had not been invented.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognized food.
"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!

With thanks to a man called Firkinelle.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the bollocks?

Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful than abloke getting kicked in the bollocks.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have
come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the bollocks is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be
nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd
like another kick in the bollocks."

I rest my case.




Time for another beer.

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa