Thread: Quick Jokes

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Relief As Missing Pensioners Found Safe And Well.

'We were really worried when they wandered-off from their homes on Saturday night,' said a concerned relative.

'Fortunately the police found them safe and well, playing the main stage at Glastonbury.'

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on
I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge
So they stopped.

David, their leader, a big burly man Aged 50, got off his Harley,
Walked through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and asked,
"What are you doing?

She replied, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a
Be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump,
Why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and
Did just that ... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed
Immediately by another one.

After they finished, David got approval from his biker-buddies, the
Onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and said, "Wow! That was the
Best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you
Committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether ‘she’ jumped or was pushed

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None; the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Following the success of channel 4's documentary, 'The man with 10 stone testicles' the next programme about John Terry's mum, 'The woman with the 15 stone cnut' will be screened on August 8th

I found a gypsy's cookbook the other day. Page one was 'How to make an omelet'. "Firstly, steal 3 eggs..............."

my missus says i.m immature and that we should set aside a day so we can talk like adults .like thats gonna happen in the middle of conker season!

What do you get when you cross a Rooster with an Owl?
A cock that stays up all night



I've been told I'm not ambitious enough.

If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard.

That bronze medal would be mine.




I told my son that if anybody ever tries to take his lunch money at school then he should headbutt them.

The twat was sent home today for breaking the dinner lady's nose.

A Poem About Tomatoes
I know a Muslim whose name is Jim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft & don't hurt the skin,
But these f---ers do, 'cos they're still in the tin.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Paddy's takin the dog for a walk when he sees the sign Handyman Wanted
and decides to try his luck cos he needs a job.
At the interview the bossman asks if he has a driving licence and Paddy says No.
Ok, how about carpentry Paddy,, No boss.
Plumbing ? No boss.
How about painting Paddy,, are you any good with the brush ? No boss.
So what's so fucking Handy about you Paddy ?

Well i live just around the corner.

A man, down on his luck, decides to join the local monastry.
Brother Steven, says the top man, you are welcome here as any man, but note that as part of a strict vow of silence, you will only be allowed one sentence every 5 years.
Fine, I can manage that, I need some quiet time to think, and reflect on my life so far.
Very well then, here are your robes and your room.
He throws himself into his new way of life, and has soon completed his first five years.
Brother Steven, you have been with us for 5 years, what, pray, have you to say to us?
The bed is lumpy...and..... Silence brother, one sentence, remember?
He nods, and returns to his chamber.
Another five years of gardening and silent prayer pass.
Brother Steven, after 10 years, what have you to say to us?
I dont like the food...and...SILENCE. Brother, you have had your sentence, return to your chamber.
Another five years drags by, the same monk asks him for his words.
My clothes itch. Thank you brother, return to your chamber.

After another five years, he has had enough.
He once again sees the head monk, and is once again asked the now familiar question-

I'm leaving as I have had enough of this place.


Very well brother Steven, in fact, we are glad to see you leave...you've done fuck all but moan since you got here

Murray wins Wimbledon.

Can you imagine the celebrations in Scotland?

I bet they've been through more tenants than Fred West.

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”



When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg



A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.



What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.



Never trust an atom. They make up everything.



A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

I'm not ashamed to admit I cried my eyes out when Andy Murray won Wimbledon yesterday.

I had $500 on Djokovic.

If Andy Murray was the first Brit to win a major since Fred Perry, does that mean Chavs will be walking about in Andy Murray clothes in 76 years time?

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice repeat, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. All your friends will be envious because I will be your bride and the best woman any man could dream of!'

The man looked over the frog for a while, then reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said, "Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride."'

He opened his pocket, looked down at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'


With age comes wisdom.

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."

My wife says she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober.
Fucking hell, I got married?

We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours.
They seem like nice people.

I've finally worked out how to stop 'splashback' when having a shit.
Pull the plug out of the sink first.

Got a new job playing triangle in a reggae band.

Nothing serious ... I just stand at the back and ting.

A man came into hospital with swollen balls. The Doctor looked at them and said "Now then how did this happen"?

"I was walking through some long grass and crouched down to tie my shoe lace" says the man "Suddenly a rabbit trap snapped shut on my balls."

"Jesus that must have hurt" says the Doctor."

"Not as much as it did when the chain ran out" says the man.

The graveside service had just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

A woman was in Hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off bananas..."