Thread: Quick Jokes

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up


behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.





'What was that for?' he asked.





'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name


Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.





'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name


of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.





'Oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a


good explanation.'





Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him


on the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.





When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'





'Your horse phoned.'

US debt ceiling news and my mirrored bedroom ceiling, no difference between them , I can see myself getting fucked in both of them....

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world,
swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It
came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

INVITATION


I am hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can’t come let me know.

The Jewish pervert said to the little girl...you're not going to eat all them sweets are you....?

Nearly shagged a Lady boy last night.

Picked him up in a night club.

He Looked like a woman.

Smelled like a woman.

Danced like a woman.

Even kissed like a woman.

But as we arrived back at his apartment,

he reversed his car into a tight parking slot

in one fluid movement.

That's when I thought. “Hang about” !!!!

I got the wife a pug dog as a surprise present the other day. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat the dog seems to like her....

Mate of mine has a marital aides shop and asked if I could watch the place while he went of on an arrand the other day.
A woman came in looking to buy a dildo.
I showed her a couple of different sizes and colours but she was looking for something bigger.
She says "I'll have that tartan one over?"
Mate come back and asked me how I went.
"Not bad," I says. "I got $40 for your thermos."

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car .... when a bunch of rowdy guys that were drunk pulls up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are ... show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,

"Screw off ye little fookin wankers... before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,

"Was that cross enough?"

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.
She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.

Even after 20 years, I still get a buzz from beekeeping.

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home
and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi Keith."

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like crap.

This morning I was beaten up by a woman. I was in an elevator when this
beautiful, busty woman got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said,
"Would you please press one.

I don't remember much after that.

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke.
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.
He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks "Wow, where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." and shows him an old lamp.
The first man asks "Can I see him and make a wish? "
“Sure you can, go right ahead” says the other man.
He rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants.
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head.
And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn’t he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"

My dog died today so I buried him in the garden with my wife.

It was pretty weird seeing her again to be honest.



(with apologies to bacon bangkok)

Why do they put cotton in pill bottles? - To remind the blacks that they were slaves before they became drug dealers.

As winter is approaching I thought it best to get my ageing heating system checked.

"Any issues?" I asked the expert.

"No, never seen a system this age in such good condition it's remarkable."

"Any advice?"

"Yes, " he said, " get a divorce."

"A divorce? What on Earth for."

"Your wife is obviously fucking a gas fitter."

As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be fucking hilarious

I went into a posh pub in a pair of filthy overalls and this snotty barman said to me,

"I'm sorry, you can't come in here dressed like that."

"OK," I replied as I left, "fix your own fucking heating then."