Thread: Quick Jokes

E. L. James, creator of "50 Shades of Grey", is now the world's best-paid author.

In other news, J. K. Rowling announces her next book: "Harry Potter & the bedroom of pain".

The wife said to me the other day "I dont know if I am coming or going "
I took one look and said "Definately going ,because when you are cumming you look like a Downs Syndrome kid trying to whistle"
Dont remember much after that.

^

I'm totally cool with girls lying to me about having an orgasm during sex.

It's only fair,

because I lied my arse off trying to get her into bed in the 1st place.



CCC

Police are investigating reports that Lewis Hamilton and Usain Bolt were assaulted on a night out. They believe the attack may be race related.

CCC

5 cyclists have died in 9 days?

Well at least I know what to get for the wife's birthday.



CCC

Virginity can be cured.

My wife said she would stick my cock in a mincer if she ever caught me shagging another woman.

Can't get my head round that, can't shag another woman but she is ok with me shagging a poof.

A Kind Hearted Scot

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Wonderful!"

Being a 'Kind Hearted Scot', he thought,

"What the heck, I'll treat her!"


... So they walked past it again...

A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says....



"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.







A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"

As I was carrying my young son up to bed, I asked him what he would like from Santa this year.

"Lego," he said with a smile.

So I dropped him down the stairs.





My grandfather smoked until he was ninety three.

Which was pretty amazing, he was cremated when he was eighty six.





A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other. Instead they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said: "Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock. Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying: "Wake up, it's 6 o'clock !!!"

I was walking along with the wife when we saw six big blokes beating up her mother.

She said aren't you going to help?

I said no, six looks like enough.

An oldie:

Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?

A: You don't have to beg your girlfriend to blow your paycheck.

This bloke on a tube is squashed up next to a gorgeous bird, and keeps getting an erection, which naturally presses up to her every now and again.

In the end, she says "Would you mind not pressing that thing against me?".

He stammers "I'm terribly sorry, it's my, er, wallet".

She says "Well you must get paid well, you've had three rises since Picaddilly Circus".

rat-a-tat-*ching*

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are

whispering when you are not.

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 from the IRS. It puzzles me!
My tax return questioned my number of dependents and asked me to list them, which I did:

12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads, 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, half of Mexico, 535 persons in the US House and Senate, and 1 useless President.

According to the IRS, this is not an acceptable answer.

I keep asking myself, whom the hell did i miss?

The government have come up with an idea to cut the rate of obesity, drug addiction and alcoholism in Britain.



They're giving independence to Scotland.

Why are Americans still celebrating Independence Day?

Personally, I think they should stop. They may get invaded by aliens again.

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

CCC

Last night my wife found me in the pub, threw a pint over my head, and called me a 'fucking cock'.

Every year she has to go and ruin our wedding anniversary.

Taking his seat in chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"I have been presented by both of you with a bribe," the judge began.
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, Attorney Leoni, gave me $15,000. And you, Attorney
Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached in his pocket a pulled out a check, which he
handed to Leoni.

"Now, then, I'm returning $5,000, and we are going to decide this
case solely on its merits."

My ex-wife is behind with the rent and is facing eviction.

She asked me to help her out, so I did

But she's such an ungrateful bitch I wish I hadn't bothered hiring that removal van for her now