Thread: Quick Jokes

"You know," said the doctor, "in cases like this, when the due date has passed, it's often possible to induce labour with a good session of vigorous intercourse."

"I couldn't care less," I replied. "Get the fuck off my wife."

Playing doctor and nurses with the wife last night did not go very well....

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese...

What did the leper say to the prostitute ?

"Keep the tip"

Why did the prostitute leave the leper colony?

Business was dropping off!

What's the difference between a prostitute and a bowling ball ?

You can't fit a prostitute in a bowling ball

Did you here the one about the Indian gentleman who wanted to emigrate to Canada?

When asked why he said "Because he wanted to join the Mountain Police.

A guy had a vasectomy to stop his wife getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the colour of the baby.

DIVORCE

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

Did you here the one about the Indian gentleman who wanted to emigrate to Canada?

When asked why he said "Because he wanted to join the Mountain Police.

???

Four retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p”. They go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. They walk in and the bartender says"What'll it be gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time he serves up four superb iced martinis. "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay up, but their curiosity gets the better of them. One of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for just 10p a go?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lotto Jackpot of £25 million and decided to open this place. I don't wish to make a profit, so every drink costs 10p, wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" says one of the old guys.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing some people at the end of the bar who haven't ordered a thing since they've been there. Nodding at them at the end of the bar, one of the old guys asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh they're down from Scotland. They're waiting for Happy Hour, when drinks are half-price”.

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.

The old farmer said, " When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of idiot put him up there to begin with."


Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.....

cujo will be along shortly Kevin. Expect a good telling off.....

Originally Posted by nidhogg

cujo will be along shortly Kevin. Expect a good telling off.....

Originally Posted by nidhogg

cujo will be along shortly Kevin. Expect a good telling off.....

Aye, that he will.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

I am my wife's 3rd husband. Her first died of mushroom poisoning. Her 2nd of head injuries. He wouldn't eat his mushrooms. I never eat mushroom soup.......

If you ever feel powerless , just remember that a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant.

^^ Reminds me of the one about the Scottish nun who died.

As the stonemason charged by the word, her inscription was "Returned unopened".

I was walking through the mall and I saw that there was a “Islamic Book Store.”

I was wondering what exactly was in an Islamic bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.

I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientèle, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?”

The clerk said, “F*** off, get out and stay out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one! Do you have it in paperback?

Two elderly ladies were talking.

“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse; Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?" one said.

Her wise friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s.

Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

My Muslim neighbour knocked on our door earlier and she asked "Have you seen Maheed lately?" I said "No. Just your eyes."