Thread: Quick Jokes

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

In Memorium
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,It is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,Which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote"The Hokey Pokey",died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his new baby's christening.

Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week.

He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

My wife says she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober.

Fucking hell, I got married?

The surgeon said to me, "Do you have a dog?"

I said, "Yes, why?"

He said, "If I can't save your leg, do you want me to keep the bone for him?"

^(From the same source)..

Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France.

.................

It's the Lions versus the Wallabies today and I think I know what the result will be.

I'll get sacked from Woburn Safari Park.

................

My mate had one of his testicles removed today after finding a lump.

That's how serious he is about mashed potato.

Two prozzies standing on a street corner.
1st prozzy: See that guy on the other side of the street? He'll give you 50 quid if you'll let him whip you.
2nd prozzy: That's good. How long does he whip you for?
1st prozzy: Until you give him his 50 quid back.

^ I'd like to go to Jeopardy. I've read that there are 1,000's of jobs there.

After my wife suggested having a date night to spice up our marriage, it turned into a disaster with her ending up in tears.

Apparently she meant with each other.

I went to see the doctor today and when I got back home my wife said, "So, what did he say?"

I replied, "He said I've got attention defi....what's on the telly?"

I saw a car parked outside Woolies with a bumper sticker that said "I miss Alice Springs".

So I smashed the windows, stole the radio, let the tyres down and left several empty VB cans on the back seat with a note saying 'I hope this helps'.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

My PC takes such a long time to shut down I've decided to call it Nelson Mandela.

Wife: "Give it to me! Give it to me! I'm so fucking wet, give it to me!"

Me: "Fuck off, it's my umbrella"

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship.

They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling.



She putts and misses, they lose the match.



On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick."



The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

For the woman who has everything (Christmas period only).......

[IMG][/IMG]

Topical:

The Queen has called St Mary's Hospital several times today looking for an update on the royal baby.

So far, four nurses have committed suicide.

....................

Hearing Will and Kate are calling their baby boy Stuart Broad.

Well at least until he learns to walk

...................

A row is brewing in the royal house hold. Prince William wants to name the baby 'William', but the Duke of Edinburgh wants the baby named after his father.

...................

"It's a boy!"

Great thing to yell outside St Mary's hospital.

Horrible thing to yell in a Thai brothel.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.... or 'foreplay', as she likes to call it.

My wife is always moaning about I never spend time at home, so much so she's thinking of a divorce. She left for a week to stay at her mum's, hoping I'd learn something while she was gone, and after only 1 day I did.

Apparently I have children.

An oldie but goodie

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye...Roon sirbees...morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!... Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter... just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy...rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G: "You're very welcome."