Quick Jokes

**Boon Mee** · 22-12-2013, 11:23 AM

Metaphor Of The Day

Putting down more meat than Miley Cyrus at a bachelor party in Vegas.

**nidhogg** · 27-12-2013, 12:08 PM

Kids are not as interested in the actual toy as the box that it came out of.

Which is weird because that's how most blokes feel about kids.

**nidhogg** · 28-12-2013, 12:25 PM

My wife told me tonight that the sink in the kitchen needs plunging, and we've got a letter from the council saying that they're changing the bin collection day from Tuesdays to Wednesdays.

Check me out multi-tasking. Listening and having sex at the same time.

**Iceman123** · 28-12-2013, 02:53 PM

^^Very very funny

**Ozcol** · 29-12-2013, 06:14 AM

Children are like farts --You dont mind your own , but other peoples are unbearable.

**nidhogg** · 30-12-2013, 02:52 PM

You know you're getting old when you watch porn and tut at the girl with her shoes on the furniture.

**nidhogg** · 30-12-2013, 02:54 PM

I finally persuaded my wife to agree to a threesome with her twin sister.

Waste of time, they both told me they had a headache.

**daveboy** · 01-01-2014, 12:44 AM

Just as we think the Celebrity Death List is all but over for 2013, Michael Schumacher puts in a tremendous final qualifying lap to take pole position.

**daveboy** · 01-01-2014, 12:45 AM

Michael Schumacher's management team are adamant that he will race again.

Although it might be against Stephen Hawking.

**Neo** · 02-01-2014, 01:13 AM

After Christmas Paddy was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

"When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

"Why, that's amazing", the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Paddy nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from all that damn skipping.!"

**nidhogg** · 02-01-2014, 11:26 AM

I was out drinking with my mates at a party last night, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 18 missed calls from my wife.

Is she fucking insecure or what?

That's an average of 6 calls a day.

**boloa** · 06-01-2014, 02:41 PM

I was telling the lads in my local bar about all the sex I'd been having with a Thai woman I met in Pattaya.

"We've been having sex non-stop for two month," I bragged.

One lad said, "She must've had her period at some point.???.."

I winked and said, "We don't have that problem!!."

They looked disgusted and said, "Is she a ladyboy?"

I said, "No. She's 85."

**boloa** · 06-01-2014, 11:59 PM

Manchester United have opted to support an 'Abused Husband' charity during 2014. "We can relate to men getting battered at home" said a club spokesman.

**billy the kid** · 08-01-2014, 08:18 PM

Originally Posted by boloa

We can relate to men getting battered at home" said a club spokesman.

.

**Chittychangchang** · 09-01-2014, 12:40 AM

Originally Posted by billy the kid

Originally Posted by boloa

We can relate to men getting battered at home" said a club spokesman.

.

Liverpool are raving about the SAS - Sturridge and Suarez. Man Utd are still trying to come up with one for Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawa, Evra, Rooney and Smalling

CCC

**malcy** · 09-01-2014, 02:43 AM

A bunch of gypsies arrive at the pearly gates to get into heaven but st Peter says we are full , the gypsies start to kick up a fuss so st Peter says he will have a word with god. God says tell them we will only accept their two best men so st Peter goes to tell them ,after ten minutes he returns to god and says they are gone ! God says what all of them ? And st Peter says no the gates !

**VocalNeal** · 12-01-2014, 02:01 PM

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more
people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art
of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of
the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack
off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

**VocalNeal** · 12-01-2014, 03:03 PM

My wife asked me to try and see things from a woman's point of view.

So I looked out of the kitchen window.

**jamiejambos** · 12-01-2014, 03:42 PM

A wee Chinese fella walks into a pub in Glasgow and drinks a pint of beer.
A wee jock next to him turns and asks him if he knows any karate,judo, ju-jitsu or
kung-fu?
No says the wee chinaman ,are you asking because i'm Chinese?
No says the wee jock i'm asking because you've just drank my pint ya wee prick.

**boloa** · 13-01-2014, 12:40 PM

Lookilikey

**toslti** · 14-01-2014, 09:17 AM

I had Bubble and Squeak for my lunch yesterday.

I suppose I'd better buy the grandkids a replacement pair of Hamsters.

**Cujo** · 14-01-2014, 09:18 AM

Originally Posted by toslti

I had Bubble and Squeak for my lunch yesterday.

I suppose I'd better buy the grandkids a replacement pair of Hamsters.

Got me, that's a beauty.

**nidhogg** · 14-01-2014, 10:30 AM

Have you heard of 50 shades of red?

It's a period novel.

**nidhogg** · 14-01-2014, 10:31 AM

If you're flying on an aircraft and your hear the infamous announcement "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?",
your answer should always be "Yes".

Well, if you're going to die, you may as well die flying a jumbo jet.

**malcy** · 15-01-2014, 01:10 AM

I went to the doctors for a check up , he said "you have a small bit of lettuce hanging out of your arse " , I said " that's just the tip of the iceberg "

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