Thread: Quick Jokes

A budding young mathematician gets home from school and excitedly reports to dad that he's been learning all about prisms.

Dad says, "That's handy son, because as a dyslexic black kid you'll be spending most of your life in those."

It took some considerable time after Fred was first married - but he eventually developed an attachment to his mother-in-law.

It fitted over her mouth.

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

Phone rings, woman answers.



The Pervert, with heavy breathing,

says, "I bet you have a tight arse with





no hair?"






Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the

football - who shall I say is calling?"

Now THIS is funny !

https://au.news.yahoo.com/vic/a/2688...ed-camera-man/

A chap is staying in a motel in the middle of nowhere. There is no food available but the bar is open.

There is only himself and the busty blonde barmaid.

"Ah," he says "you must be Marsha"

"Yes," she says, "but I don't think I've seen you here before. Perhaps a friend or colleague had stayed here?"

"Neither - but it is written in the Good Book for those that have eyes to see. All is written in the Good Book. Will you join me in a martini or two."

"Why certainly, Sir, but how did you know I was a martini drinker?

"All is written in the Good Book for those that have eyes to see"

They get on very well, one thing leads to another, and the bar is shut and they repair to his room. They do the deed. Afterwards she says:

"That was wonderful, but I cannot understand how it all happened so quickly?"

"All is written in the Good Book for those that have eyes to see"

"Just what the Hell does that mean?"

He reaches over to the bedside table, and gets out the Gideon Bible. He opens it and shows her, scrawled on the inside cover are the words:.............................


















.......................................Marsha the barmaid roots like a bunny after two martinis!!

Originally Posted by Latindancer

Now THIS is funny !

https://au.news.yahoo.com/vic/a/2688...ed-camera-man/

Puerile.

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole fucking bed by the looks of it!"

We went to a Thunderbird's themed fancy dress party, I went the whole hog, had the hair dyed, and got a costume to look like Virgil.

My wife just put a green coat on and went as Thunderbird two.

I turned into a cat earlier.


Don't ask meow.

I told a joke about horses three times on the trot ....

4

Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts, "Oi, driver! You're losing your load!" Driver replies, "Fuck off!" 5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts, "Oi, you're losing your load!" Driver again replies, "Fuck off!" 5 miles further along, Paddy yells, "I'm not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!" Driver then shouts, "Will you go away you thick Irish twat, I'm gritting!"

A cash machine has just charged me two pound for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

I got a hand job from a blind girl last night. She said "You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on." I replied "Nah, you're just pulling my leg."

My cock is like a toaster.
It wont pop up if the crumpets too big!

Most men like to think they are marrying a nymphomaniac but after a few years the nympho goes and just leaves the f***ing maniac

Yesterday I removed the shell from my racing snail, but it made him a bit sluggish

I went to the doctors suffering with premature ejaculation, he said it must be very stressful for your partner. I said to be perfectly honest it's getting on her tits.

A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes..

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and a woman sitting together on a plane.

The pilot made an apologetic announcement that the passenger lighting was faulty and may go out for periods of time during their journey.

Right on cue, the lights went out and it was completely dark. Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud SLAP.

When the lights came back on, the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman had a nasty red slap mark on his face.

The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead."

The woman was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it."

The English guy was thinking: "This is great. The next time the power goes out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French guy again."

A group of pensioners were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the local pub. "My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this drink" said one. "Yes, I know" said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see mine." "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled" volunteered a third one. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you” said one elderly lady. “I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am and where I'm going" said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old" winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings" said a woman cheerfully,

"Thank God we can all still drive."