Thread: Quick Jokes

Dai proposed to Megan and it had been accepted. "But", added Megan, "before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my
past life."

"No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married."

After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Porthcawl, Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret".

"No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough."

That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see, I'm a virgin."

Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house.

"Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

"It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin."

"Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home.

If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."

Keith Harris was the only celebrity at the BBC who got away with fisting a young bird.
Apart from Jimmy Saville.

Originally Posted by harrybarracuda

Keith Harris was the only celebrity at the BBC who got away with fisting a young bird.
Apart from Rod Hull.

Fixed that for ya.. I think

During sex I suddenly stopped and didn’t move.
She: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Shhht, I’ve seen it on Pornhub, it’s called buffering.”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Halfway through he said to the tattooist "don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand"

The tattooist replied " FFS mate give me a chance, I haven't finished his turban yet!"

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a parking Officers funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"



The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

A news reporter was pressing an aged gentleman, on his 100th birthday, how and why he'd lived so long.

"Two reasons", said the old-timer.

"The first, is my life-long practice of knocking back two whiskies a day!"

"And what's the second?", eagerly asked the reporter.

"Cancelling my voyage on the Titanic!", said the old chap.

My girlfriend is a miserable cow. Even after two weeks in the Bahamas!



Unbelievable! Worst welcome home ever!

Made me chuckle.

A bloke walks into a pub with a set of jump leads...the barman says, mate, I'll serve you as long as you don't start anything.

Originally Posted by toslti

A news reporter was pressing an aged gentleman, on his 100th birthday, how and why he'd lived so long.

"Two reasons", said the old-timer.

"The first, is my life-long practice of knocking back two whiskies a day!"

"And what's the second?", eagerly asked the reporter.

"Cancelling my voyage on the Titanic!", said the old chap.

I'll have to get a thinner watch strap...Just hailed a taxi and a fookin' Kestrel landed on me wrist!

^ Good one for any mates who favour those giant watches.

Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills .
What should I do ?
Signed - Clueless .


Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman!
You don't need him anymore!
You're running for President of the United States. .. Act like one!

Considering Batman and Iron Man's only real superpowers were to be rich and smart, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs turned out to be pretty fucking disappointing.

good one.

I've just been diagnosed with chrome's disease.

It's similar to crohn's disease, but this one has a silver lining...

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.

I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.

"You're a big lass, aren't you" I said.

"Tell me something I don't know", she replied with a tear in her eye.

"Salad tastes nice!"

I thought it was a massive step towards reconciliation when Prince Charles shook the hand of Gerry Adams.

Went over the top a bit by offering Adams a free weekend break in Paris, courtesy of the Duke of Edinburgh, though.

One of the best benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who the fuck ate my kale?"

The wife suggested we try a bit of role reversal tonight, but no, not again.


Been there, done that, ironed the t-shirt.

The look on my girlfriend's face when I went down on one knee was priceless.

It was almost as if she had never seen anyone practice the sweep shot before.