Thread: Quick Jokes

Q: Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.

I started up a website for women drivers only. Bloody thing kept crashing.

Before I got married, I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."

The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a f..king photo-copier."

Its my birthday today. My wife has said that shes going to make it my most special birthday ever... I wonder where shes going ?

Just got a brand new fishing rod and reel for the wife.

Best swap I've ever made!

My wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted.

Oh well, better get back to it I suppose.

I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you but, if you upset her even more, you get the silent treatment.


Does anyone else think it's worth the extra effort?

The Wife and I we're having sex the other day and I suggested she moan a bit, as I thought our relationship needed spicing up.


She said, "you're shit in bed, the ceiling needs painting, when are you going to put those shelves up...........?"

I couldn't find the thingy that turns the TV over today, so I asked one of the kids if they'd seen it.


They said she left me yesterday.

My wife's a bit of a sex object.



I ask for sex, she objects

I've been trying to recapture my lost youth.







I must get that cellar door lock fixed.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news, "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced its way out... she simply had to know.. She met the fortune teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason wives seem to like this joke!

Jokes about white sugar are rare.

But jokes about brown sugar - demerara.

The inventor of the text message has died.

The inventor of autocorrect is said to be demonstrated

My wife told me she's been a closet lesbian all these years and she wishes she had married another woman.


Coincidence or what?

Originally Posted by Eliminator

Originally Posted by nidhogg

My wife told me she's been a closet lesbian all these years and she wishes she had married another woman.


Coincidence or what?

Sorry, I'm slow today, you wish you had married a DIFFERENT woman.

There you go....

GOD/DOG I don't know how I missed that. LOL
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Originally Posted by Boon Mee

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby black Jacksonville church, I decided to check them out in person and see what it was all about.

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today. "

I told him I was not paralyzed.

Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today. "

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my car had been stolen.

https://teakdoor.com/jokes-and-funny-...-and-walk.html

^Palexxxx. You forgot to mention that it was far too fookin' long for a quick joke!


Everyone red Booners!

How many Smiths fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?

None, there is a light that never goes out.

Murphy's Law: You wait and wait, but the minute you use the stethoscope to listen to your balls, the doctor walks in.