Thread: Quick Jokes

The families of three British teenage girls thought to have run away to Syria have come together and pleaded with their daughters to come home.

"We are losing child tax credits and family allowance," claimed the girls' fathers.

Originally Posted by VocalNeal

The families of three British teenage girls thought to have run away to Syria have come together and pleaded with their daughters to come home.

"We are losing child tax credits and family allowance," claimed the girls' fathers.

Sorry, can't green you, got to spread the love.

Can someone do me a solid?

Outa ammo

I got him for ya Koojo

As USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time Hilary had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky...

And Monica blew it.

In another BBC scandal, Sooty has been arrested for sexually assaulting a minor in the late seventies.

Police also arrested Matthew Corbett; they suspect he had a hand in it.

Private Eye cover this week is a picture of Hilary and Bill.

Hilary "It's time we had a woman in the Oval Office"
Bill "Been there, done that"

I think that one was covered earlier.

Good advise for today--If the shite hits the fan do NOT stand in front of it.

San Francisco Mayor says San Andreas 'not his fault'

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing........Have you farted yet?"
"No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

Originally Posted by Gazza

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing........Have you farted yet?"
"No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

QUICK jokes ffs.
I just haven't got enough ammo to red snakeeyes again so quick.

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions,
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"
"Why did the Russians take Crimea?
And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions" ...
But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, a girl, Masha,puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are -
Why did the Russians invade Crimea?"
"Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"
"Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?"
"And Where is Sasha?"

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

My wife has said that she has had enough sex and doesn't want it anymore.

Not really what you want to hear after getting back from your honeymoon.

I don't mean to brag but I finished my 2 week crash diet in 3 hours and 42 minutes.

Disgraceful scenes in London yesterday.

Three Kenyans were chased for miles round the city by thousands of white people.

.......

^ opened this thinking
this might be funny.

My wife's just ran off with our milkman. Watching them drive off on his float were the worst three hours of my life.

Lady Boadicea's chariot
Had scythes upon its wheels
That made the stoutest-hearted Romans
Turn upon their heels,
But the thing the Romans hated most,
And which gave them such a fright
Was when she'd put her left blinker on
Then charge off to the right.

Mama Mia - classic Abba song or Yorkshire kid telling his Mother he's home.