Thread: Quick Jokes

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a young Muslim girl with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.

"Where did you get that from?" I asked.

"Bradford....There's thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.

Originally Posted by Boon Mee

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a young Muslim girl with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.

"Where did you get that from?" I asked.

"Bradford....There's thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.

Old ones are the best, it was a Bernard Manning joke the parrot was on the shoulder of a word I'd rather not use, and the answer was Africa.

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system and deregistered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.

I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in its centre.

Now, the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.

My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

I've never felt safer!!!

All Thanks to Allah.

So I was walking through the mall, and went into a Muslim Bookshop.

The clerk asked if he could help me, so I asked for a copy of the Australian Immigration Policy Book.

The Clerk said "Fook off, Get Out and Stay Out."

I said, "Yes that’s the one!"

A recent survey has found that one in three women is just as stupid as the other two...

Talking of old ones...

Guy goes into a bar and orders 5 double whiskies.
Barman says 'whats troubling you?'
Guy says 'just found out my youngest son is gay'

A week later same guy walks into the bar and orders 10 double whiskies.
Barman says 'whats troubling you now?'
Guy says 'just found out my other son is gay'

Another week later same guy walks into the bar and asks for a whole bottle of whisky.
Barman says 'jeez pal isn't anyone in your family getting any pussy?'
The guy says 'yeah... my wife!'

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train killer? He had locomotives

or the crazy mexican train driver with the shits, he did locomotions

I like my women the way I like my coffee, hot black and with a penguin

Originally Posted by Neo

Talking of old ones...

Guy goes into a bar and orders 5 double whiskies.
Barman says 'whats troubling you?'
Guy says 'just found out my youngest son is gay'

A week later same guy walks into the bar and orders 10 double whiskies.
Barman says 'whats troubling you now?'
Guy says 'just found out my other son is gay'

Another week later same guy walks into the bar and asks for a whole bottle of whisky.
Barman says 'jeez pal isn't anyone in your family getting any pussy?'
The guy says 'yeah... my wife!'

A young lad walks into a bar and orders six treble whiskies. As soon as they arrive he wallops them all down. "What's all that about?" says the barman.

"Well I just had my first blow job" says the lad.

"Oh congratulations son!" says the barman, "here have one on the house!".

"No thanks", says the lad, "if that doesn't take the taste away, nothing will.

Get the feeling of spending a week in HuaHin by spending an afternoon in HuaHin!

I read in a woman's magazine that the perfect husband is "wealthy, intelligent and has an off-button".

I hate these distorted standards for men, how's a regular guy like me meant to compete with Stephen Hawking?

For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my granny dies, now this?

Man Driving Down road. Woman driving up same road. they pass each other. Man shouts out the window "FUCKING BIG FAT COW", Woman shouts out window "FUCK OFF WANKER!", woman turns round corner crashes into a huge cow and dies... Moral of story? if only women would fucking listen.

^Heh...A Salvador Dali joke...

Q: What is wrapped in silver paper and swings from bell to bell?
A: The Lunchpack of Notre Dam.

A guy comes out of a pub, slips on a pile of dog shit and lands on his ass.
He gets up and as he's wiping himself down a big burly guy comes out of the pub and slips on the same dog shit, landing on his ass with a thud
"I just did that!" the first guy says, whereupon the bigger guy punches him on the nose.

A guy goes into an Opticians with a large cardboard box and places it on the counter.
"Can I help you sir?" says the optician.
"Take a look at that" says the guy pointing to the box.
The optician opens the box and looks inside to see an enormous turd two feet long and six inches across.
"My god!" says the optician, "it's a doctor you need to see not an optician."
The guy replies" No, I need an optician because every time I do one of those it makes my eyes water!"

(I'll get me coat now!)

Shakespeare by a draughtsman?
2B OR NOT 2B

^^ ^ Jail the fookers!

I tried to follow my dreams, now I have multiple restraining orders.

I met a woman with 12 nipples once

Sounds hard to believe

Dozen tit

Bought the missus a hamster-skin coat last week.
Took her to the Fair last night - it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris Wheel.

A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms.

So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.